I am now 25 years old. I'm not quite sure how this happened. I'm pretty sure yesterday I was living at Lettney Place with my family. I just graduated high school. I was preparing to live and attend college at the University of Hartford. Didn't all that just happen? When did I become a "grown up"? It has now been, gulp, almost seven years since I graduated high school. And let's just say that a lot has happened in that small amount of time. But, that seven years is precisely why I am writing this blog.
On April 28, 2012, I will have been in a relationship with my husband for seven years. Holy cow! This is my longest relationship to date. It has also been my hardest relationship. Not for a bad reason, but these past seven years haven't been easy. But, I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. In these seven years I have learned to love another person more than I can even describe. I have given my husband my whole heart and every thought in my head (much to his dismay sometimes...). He has seen me with no makeup on. He has seen me at my highest high. He has seen me at my lowest low. Hell, he even saw me push a baby out of my vagina (Ewww, did she just say that?), which isn't very pretty in any way. We have fought like scoundrels and loved like there was no tomorrow. We have lost and gained jobs. We have lost and gained family members. We are currently going through some shaky times, both financially and emotionally. Most importantly, we have seen our daughter enter this world and grow up in these past three and a half years. If that doesn't bring two people together, I don't know what will. We have been through everything together...
In October, I will have been married for five years. Wow! Even that fact throws me through a loop. My wedding day was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Granted, it was pouring rain for a good part of the day and I freaked out about walking down the aisle as I arrived at my wedding venue, but it was truly something special. I pledged my love for this man who I hadn't known for very long before our closest friends and family. I made a promise to love him through better or for worse. Through sickness and in health. We exchanged rings. Then we danced the night away as a married couple with the aide of a WONDERFUL, LOYAL group of bridesmaids and groomsmen. It was an event to remember for a lifetime.
So many young children, teens, and women think about their wedding day. They picture themselves in the "perfect" white dress with a group of their high school friends surrounding them in the "perfect" bridesmaid dresses. They design their wedding cake in their dreams. They look through the New York Times "Wedding and Celebrations" section to get ideas about what an ideal ceremony would look like. They contemplate what their something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new would end up being. They join places like The Knot and browse through wedding magazines to learn about venue sites, limo companies, and floral shops. It is supposed to be every little girl's dream to have this lavish wedding ceremony that they have been planning since they were two; besides prom, it's the biggest event for a girl to feel like a princess and have things "her way".
Well, I was never one of those girlie girls in that respect. When I planned my wedding, I was looking at all of this material for the first time. I had no clue what the difference between a princess dress or a mermaid dress was. I didn't know what flowers were in season. Hell, I didn't even realize how expensive weddings were. I just went with the flow and did everything step by step. I made sure my husband-to-be had a say in everything we were doing. I didn't plan my wedding to be the biggest and most important moment in my life. My marriage, the actual ceremony, with me pledging my love to my husband through both good times and bad was what I planned on. To me, that was the most important aspect, everything else was just the "icing on the cake", forgive my pun (or not).
Now a days, I don't think couples realize what a marriage is. They just have a wedding. So many people have "wedding-marriages". They want that "perfect" ceremony with everything done at their beck and call. They rush into things thinking that this will be the most important day of their lives. Then after all the wedding presents are opened, after out of state family has long gone home from the festivities, after the honeymoon is over, and "real life" begins, couples come to one hard time and that's it. Fighting and then a divorce before you can even say husband and wife. Even the couples who don't experience the fighting and just "go with the flow" and give into whatever the other person says or wants to keep the peace are in a "wedding-marriage". Weddings, divorces, and giving in are easy. It's the marriage and the fighting and the arguing to make a stand for the sake of your relationship that's the hard part. People are so quick to divorce now a days. They want the wedding and not the marriage. And that's a shame.
Now, anyone who knows Chris and myself knows that we fight an awful lot. Sometimes the fighting isn't so pretty. Sometimes it just a quick little tiff and then an hour later it's over. We fight. It's a fact. But, us fighting isn't because we hate one another. It's because we love each other enough to fight. We aren't the type of people who are just going to give in to keep the peace (although, sometimes that is what the moment calls for...picking and choosing your battles). We believe in what we are saying. And if we fight it's because we care enough to understand the other person's point of view or to at least recognize it. We fight to keep our marriage and our relationship strong.
No matter what I've said about my husband in the heat of the moment..."Uhhh, he's such a jerk", "I can't stand him", "Mom, can you come pick me up because Chris and I are fighting"...all the bad times are so minuscule compared to how much good Chris has done for my life. He has not only embraced the fact that my brother is in a wheelchair, but he will go that extra mile and feed my brother food when his arms are just too weak to do it himself. He will literally do anything for my brother (and I won't go into too much detail because it's not my place to blast it on the internet) and that is AMAZING. My brother is my hero and Chris doesn't have to do any thing that he does, but he will without even being asked or blinking an eye. Chris is the type of friend who will give his last penny and break his back to help out a friend in their time of need. He is such a caring father that I cannot believe it. Dads get such a bad rep, but my husband does it all; late night feedings when Amelia was born, changing of the diapers and now potty duties, playing silly games, getting up at 4 am when Amelia is sick, and everything in between. He is the BEST father I have ever met. He acts all tough 99% of the time, but I know how truly romantic and caring he can be. I've seen him when he's hurting and that makes me love him 100 times more. He has seen my family blow outs. He drives me everywhere even though he can't stand the fact that I don't drive. He has so many qualities that overtake those bad moments. Even what we are going through now, I know nine out of ten wives who would leave their husband, but not me. I am in this for better or for worse. And I will stand by my husband no matter what comes along. It's not easy. Not in any way. But I love him, my family, and my marriage too much to let it go.
My rants on here are not about how my relationship is superior to others. Or how couples need to change their marriage to match mine. My marriage isn't perfect in any way. I am also not knocking those people who are divorced. Because sometimes there is no moving forward. My mom and biological father are divorced and I would do the same in her situation. There is no saving a marriage where the man abuses you emotionally or physically, where their is infidelity, or some other unforgivable act. Divorce under those circumstances is completely understandable. People have to do what they have to do. But, a "wedding-marriage" is sham. For both the husband and the wife. Why get married just to have a wedding? Why rush into something that's not worth fighting for? Why become another Kim Kardashian? That is precisely what I am talking about. It's disgusting. Weddings are beautiful, but marriages are so much more memorable and special.
Even though seven years makes me itch a little (wink:wink), I know I am in this for the long haul. These past seven years have been the most beautiful and the hardest of my life. But, I love my husband and the life we have carved out for ourselves more than I can describe. I have a marriage not a wedding. Do you?
Here's to hoping for a thought-provoking evening and thank you for reading,
Jen
