They call this time of year, the holiday season, "the most happiest time of the year"; in fact, I believe it's a song lyric... I guess it is in a way; people are giving (not just presents, but their time and money and heartfelt words to the homeless, our troops, and those in need), families are getting together, and people are celebrating the "reason for the season" (whatever that may be to them). There are fun decorations, parties, holiday events, laughter, Christmas cookies, classic movies that remind us of our childhoods, and Elfs on the Shelfs. It is a happy time of year. But also a time of reflection.
For most people, the holiday season starts with Thanksgiving. People gather around groaning dining room tables, surround themselves with family and friends, and say what they are thankful for. I haven't done it in a while, but my family tradition growing up was to go around the table to say what we were thankful for and then we would eat dinner. Sometimes we were thankful for having food on the table, sometimes we were thankful for the people who joined us that year, but every year we were thankful for the people sitting around our table; the people who brought us joy, laughter, tears, heartache, and our reason for living.
I have continued this tradition, but in a different way... I am not a religious person; I was never baptized (I know, "living with original sin, gasp"), I never attended church on a regular basis. But, every night I pray and say what I am thankful for. I am thankful first, and foremost, for my children who bring such joy to my life each and every day. They are beautiful, funny, loving, impossible, frustrating, special, and amazing all rolled into one. They are the reason I live my life. I am thankful for my husband who has stood by my side through so damn much. We don't always get along, we fight like no one else, but we love each other through it all. I couldn't live my life without him...he has given me unconditional love, two beautiful children, and a second family that I am grateful beyond words for. I am thankful for my family, both mine and Chris'. I fight and argue with my family, just like everyone does, but we have such a special bond and at the end of the day we are ALWAYS there for one another. Chris' family makes me laugh and have accepted me as one of their own since day one. I am thankful for my friends. I don't have a large group of friends, in fact, it's kind of small, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Two of my best friends I have known since I was 8 years old (that's a whopping 18 years!) and they have been my confidants, my bridesmaids, and surrogate aunties to my children. My other best friend is the girl I met in freshman year of high school and I legit think that was fate that we met because we are basically the same person; I wouldn't know what to do without her. I have a best friend who I met through Chris; another act of fate because we share so many of the same interests, have the same family values, and our children will grow up together which is something special. And finally I have my sister, who is there for me through thick and thin; there are no words to express how much she means to me. I am thankful for the relative health of all of these amazing people. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and a meal on my table. Everyday I say those things to whoever is listening above.
As Thanksgiving passes, we jump right into Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever it is we celebrate. And this time of year is both the happiest for me and the saddest. I always get melancholy and sad right about now and it's kind of hitting me harder this year...maybe because I'm a year older, maybe a year wiser, maybe because I know what I'm missing...
I think back to about 10 years ago, I would be 16, and remember how about this time of year, my family would be planning on my grandparents coming into town. We would be picking out a place for them to sleep, buying grapefruit juice for my grandpa, my mom would be piling up her mound of clothes on the couch to be ironed and throwing it in her closet. My grandma would bring brownies and deviled eggs, waiting to finish the eggs for me because she knew that part was my favorite part. She would help my mom wrap presents Christmas eve. We would usually watch a Christmas movie before bed. Sometimes we would go to holiday craft fairs. My grandpa was usually grumpy but we all expected that; it was who he was. We would play at least one game of Rummy 500. There would be blueberry muffins Christmas morning. The smell of coffee. And of course, stinky Owl cigars... My grandma would take "Mitzy"(her version of Missy) outside. It was amazing and so special. A time of year I truly cherished and looked forward to.
And there isn't any of that anymore... I miss my grandparents so much this time of year. I would do anything for one last hug. One last smell of grandma's shampoo. One last time to "beg" my grandpa to say "I love you". One last time to smell that cigar scent that always lingered on his clothes. One last bite of my grandma's boxed brownies because the regular boxes just don't taste the same. One last laugh from each of them. One last time to see my grandpa pop his dentures out of his mouth to make us laugh. One last Christmas morning with my whole family. I just want one more anything.
I thought it would get easier as the years went by. But it doesn't. It doesn't hurt everyday. But it hits me out of the blue. When I smell old fashioned perfume. When I see the old Herbal Essence bottles. When I smell a cigar. When I see a deck of cards. When I see Tom playing with Amelia and John. And sometimes, when I don't expect it. John will never get to see two of the most influential people in my life. Amelia met my grandpa, but not my grandma. I hate that I have to grow up without them. I hate that my children won't get to see how special they were. I hate it. I miss them so much it actually hurts. I would honestly do anything just for a little more time. They were both taken out of my life far too soon and far too suddenly...
This time of year is so special to me because of my memories, but it's also tough to deal with. And I know my mom feels it, my sister feels it, my brother feels it, my aunt feels it, my whole family feels it. This time of year reminds me of all the people I won't get to hug and kiss one last time. I miss you so much and I love you all so much. Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Tracy, Grandma Popolizio, Grandpa Trotto, Aunt Dorothy...this is for you, for all the memories, for all the times you are missed and remembered, for all the times we wish you were here.
So tonight I am a little sad; I write this with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. But tomorrow it might be a little easier. Seeing my children smile. Knowing that my daughter will be so surprised Christmas morning. Watching my son get stronger every day. Kissing and hugging my kids, my husband, and my family a little tighter. It gets a little easier. And then some days it doesn't get any easier. But I will always be thankful for my memories. For my family. For my friends. For my health.
Merry Christmas...or whatever it is that you say Merry for...
