Social media outlets, friends, family, and countless other sources have been talking nonstop about the new year. They are recounting the biggest music hits (and misses), the best red carpet moments, the stars who have passed and those who were born (hello Charlotte of Whales and Saint West), and the most talked about media stories. They are looking onto the new year with speculation over the next presidential candidates, who will win an Emmy or Oscar, what will happen to ISIS and Syrian refugees, and what stars will pop out a baby next. There are many media advertisements for gyms and weight loss programs to meet your New Years Resolution of losing weight. People are discussing what and how they are going to change in 2016 and what they are waving goodbye to in 2015. The New Year is apparently a big thing.
It also makes me reflect on the changes in my life this past year, but every year I refuse to make a New Years Resolution. People should constantly be working towards bettering themselves and if I am going to be honest, most people don't change. They say they will be nicer, lose weight, stop drinking or smoking, etc..., but most of the time it's just that: talk. Making a change is hard work. It requires dedication and motivation and it's a constant battle. It never ends. You don't just change one thing about your lifestyle and suddenly you are a different person; it's an everyday struggle and most people don't have that kind of will power. No offense to anyone reading this, but these are my feelings. If you don't like reading how I feel then maybe this isn't the blog post for you...
Either way, there will be no New Years Resolution for me this year, but I have learned some important lessons that I will apply moving forward in 2016.
2015 was the year I really worked towards bettering myself. I went back to school to work on my Bachelors Degree (and will be done in July of 2016!!!). I became a better teacher because I had a whole year of experience behind me. I found a way to manage full time work, full time Mommyhood, a house, my family, and my late-night school work. I am proud of myself.
But I learned that on the way to becoming who you want to be and the position that you deserve, there will always be people who will step on you on your way up. They will find a way to tear you down just when you think you are standing up. They will make you doubt yourself and your new found abilities in a way that makes you rethink your purpose in life. They will put you into positions that make you feel like a failure and like you aren't worthy of the things that you have achieved. They will place other people on pedestals who have kissed their way there in order to make you feel like hard work, dedication, and determination are unworthy characteristics. They will think their experience and their time are more important and more worthy than the ideas you bring to the table. They will try to define who you are.
I am ashamed to say that I let them win this year. I let a few people make me feel like I wasn't good enough at what I was doing or the effort that I was putting in. I let them talk to me in a way that was degrading and unfounded. I sat back while they took over my life and the little control that I had. I let them win. I let them define who I am. And everyday I think back on that.
Everyday I think about something I could've done differently. I think about something I could've said differently. I let it eat away at me. I am so mad at myself (and them) for winning. I am so mad that I let them define who I am and what I have accomplished in such a short period of time and put it into such a narrow box. Oddly enough the person who taught me that I cannot let someone define who I am is the one who brought me down the most. Life is full of irony. But I'm no longer willing to let that irony lead my life.
In 2016, I am going to be proud of my accomplishments. I will speak my mind. I will voice my opinion. And I will do it all with a sense of pride and determination because I know that I have learned so much and that I have come so far. Maybe I only have a little bit of experience and maybe my education isn't the same thing as others, but that doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't define who I am. I will no longer let someone define who I am. Lesson Learned.
2015 was also the year that I worked towards bettering my relationship with my husband. I truly believe that those couples who never fight and who always agree with one another are those who are truly suffering. By just saying, "Yes, " all the time, or by not saying anything at all, you aren't fighting for your relationship. You are taking the easy way out; it's easier to say, "Yes," and agree with someone else than go through the effort of voicing your opinion and coming to a compromise. Anyone who knows me or my husband, know that we aren't that couple. We are the ones who fight so loud the neighbors complain. And we fight often. We both feel so passionate (and are so stubborn) about certain issues that we refuse to compromise and we refuse to acknowledge the other's opinion. But that isn't healthy either.
Relationships are hard work. And anyone who tells you differently is either delusional or they don't want others to know that their life isn't perfect. You have to learn to compromise about parenting (if you have kids), how to manage your money, social issues, friendship and family commitments, chores around the house, jobs, and countless other issues. You make mistakes; sometimes mistakes that are so bad that you find it impossible to overcome them. You say things that are ugly and that can't be taken back. You start to doubt the purpose and direction of your relationship. You are with someone for so long that you start to fall into a routine; a routine of when you have sex, how you parent, when you have date nights, who does the dishes and who cleans up. You start going through the motions. Little things become big things and big things turn into resentment. Your family starts to feel the friction. Your parenting is affected. Everyday becomes a struggle and routine suddenly isn't appealing anymore. My husband and I faced this the hard way and had to fight our way back to who we are as people, who we are as parents, and who we are as a couple.
In 2016, I am going to remember to argue with purpose. There is a difference between yelling and holding onto your hurt and voicing your opinion and hearing others' in return. It's ok to walk away and take a moment when it all becomes too much because then you save your hurtful words and come back with reasonable ones. It's ok to not say what's wrong when you can't figure out the right words to say; you can take a moment or a few hours and figure out the best way to move forward. It's necessary to find time to spend together; maybe it's not a date night at a fancy restaurant (or hell, Olive Garden), but it can be time set aside after the kids go to bed to watch your favorite tv shows. You don't have to say, "Yes," or agree all the time and you don't have to make every disagreement into a fight. It's ok to compromise and speak your mind. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok if relationships are tough because they are worth fighting for. Lesson Learned.
Finally, 2015 was a year for me to remember the importance of family. As the years go by there are so many people in my life that I have lost and who I miss with an ache that hurts so much sometimes that it makes me curl up in a ball and want to stop life. I wish with all my heart that I could taste my grandma's brownies and deviled eggs one more time. I wish everyday that I could smell my grandfather's cigar smoke from my mom's front porch. I wish so hard that my kids could've met both of them and that they could've shared summers in New York just like I used to. I wish I could walk through my husband's grandma's and aunt's house one more time and hear Amelia say, "GG" or "Aunt Dor-Dor". I wish I could listen to my Uncle Tracy's detailed stories of his past one more time. I wish so many things were different. Because life is short and we often take little moments and conversations for granted. But missing isn't just for the ones you have lost; it's for the ones who are still here.
This year for a few weeks, I missed the sound of my brother's voice. I missed walking into my mom's house and hearing him prattle on about some random fact he learned on a tv show or what food he tried this week or what came in his "Nerd" packages. I missed it because for a while he couldn't speak. He couldn't eat. He couldn't even stay awake for brief moments. For a while it seemed like everything was wrong and those words and sounds wouldn't even be a possibility anymore. I am not really a praying person, but I prayed every second of every minute of every hour of every day for him to speak, and eat, and breathe. And it worked. But it also reminded me of something.
Life is too short. Moments can't be taken for granted. People need to be kissed and hugged and told that you love them as often as possible because it could be the last time you get to do that. Moments with family and friends need to be cherished as often as you possibly can because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Take that silly picture. Remember old times. Share stories and random facts. Play that song one more time. Schedule one more family dinner. You don't know what tomorrow can bring or what it can take away. Lesson Learned.
2016 will be the year that I remember who I am and who I am not. It will be the year that I fight a little less and love a little more. It will be the year I say, "I love you," every chance I get. 2016 won't be a new me, it will just be the me that I already am and who deserves to show through a little more.
What will 2016 be for you?
