"The only thing more exhausting than having a mental illness is pretending like you don't."
Reactive and proactive. Reactive measures occur after an event or catalyst; they are the responsive results of something that came before. Proactive is the act of taking responsibility or acting before an event or situation occurs. Although there are pros and cons to each strategy, sometimes the more direct route is the scariest, and yet, more sensible one to take on. Reactive or proactive. It is what our world leaders consider before placing laws into effect. Reactive or proactive. It is what parents consider before they make a decision about their child's well-being. Reactive or proactive. It is what educators consider before they implement a lesson that is pre-planned for them. Reactive or proactive.
Unfortunately I fear that we are living in a reactive society. And that breaks my heart and makes my mind race.
We react to gun violence. There are protests, marches, and petitions. There are little girls who make passionate speeches and Kindergarten teachers who create poems about hiding when there is an active shooter in the school. There are cries and tears and looting as young (mostly) men and women bleed out on the street from a seemingly unprovoked attack by a police officer. There are red faces and press conferences about what went wrong and how we can get men in professional sports to stop kneeling. We are being reactive.
While gun violence is horrible and the number of lives lost is inconceivable, this is not the topic I choose to address in detail today. Instead I choose to speak about mental illness...the subject that instills fear in my heart and catches the stigmatized drama of a majority of our society.
We are a reactive society to mental illness. And that breaks my heart and makes my mind race too.
In the media, especially over the course of these past weeks, we have been inundated with the losses of celebrities who have taken their own life. Society has been especially reactive to these losses...
There is the "normal" talk of, "I remember when...". We remember when we first watched a celebrity explore the world, the first time we heard them speak, or (if we were really lucky), the first time we saw them live. Then come the condolence. The heartbreak for a young life lost too soon. The sadness of losing someone who brought joy to so many others. The prayers for family and friends who were left behind. And then comes the very worst part. The inevitable chatter that always turns the conversation from one of loss to one of stigmatization.
This is the part of the conversation that makes a loss seem negative in the worst possible way. The part that makes the individual who committed suicide seem like the "bad guy".
The very worst parts are the judgments.
The hateful people who say, "Why would they give up their life if they had everything?" The ignorant people who state, "They seemed so happy. Why would they take their own life?". The hurtful people who say, "They took the coward's way out. There is no reason to take your own life. There is always hope". The arrogant people who say, "If I had that much money, I would never be depressed".
The very worst part are the judgments. The hate. The harm. The ignorance. From words that cut like a knife.
Now, unfortunately, I feel as though I have to defend myself at this point. Which is entirely frustrating and negates the whole purpose of this stance, but still, it must be said.
Suicide is a horrible death. It is painful for those who were affected and for those who loved the individual who is no longer walking this earth. It sucks and this is such a sensitive subject because who knows the reasoning behind each death. But, I just want people to understand the other side of supporting the hateful, ignorant comments that usually follow a suicide.
Mental illness is such a taboo subject to discuss. Those who face anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, biopolar disorder, and every other mental disorder in between are pegged into teeny, tiny holes. They are thought of to be unstable, crazy, incapable of leading "normal lives", and thrown onto a pedestal that negates their human livelihood.
The individuals facing mental illness each and everyday are made to feel like perpetrators. Individuals who should feel "shamed" to be living with a constant battle in their head. Their thoughts are suddenly put on display and picked apart by people who do not truly understand what is happening to someone deeply affected by mental illness.
The truth is, mental illness has nothing to do with someone's ability to perform their job. It has nothing to do with someone's wealth, education status, parenthood, upraising, neighborhood or economic status. It has nothing to do with their lifestyle choice or circumstances they have tried (or not tried) to change. Although all these areas are affected, mental illness is not a choice. It is very much like having a genetic heart disease. It is something that occurs to someone's body; it is an imbalance that must be talked about and treated just like a physical illness.
But, in our reactive society, that does not happen.
Instead, we learn to fear those with mental illness. We, as a society, state they are more likely to commit a school shooting and they should be institutionalized. We say they are crazy and should not be trusted with children. We say they should be talked about, but not heard. We ignore the physical symptoms and allow the manifestations of this horrible disease to become a living, breathing entity that society fears and reacts to instead of being proactive towards.
Well, I am tired of being reactive and instead decide to be proactive.
I am actively finding a way to overcome the stigmas of mental illness and finding a way to be comfortable with my diagnosis and finding a positive way to help myself overcome the negative stigmas.
Having a mental illness is horrible, especially when it is ignored or mistreated. I grew up not understanding that my balance of having to chew on both sides of mouth, of arranging my pictures and knick-knacks on my dresser in even numbers, of obsessively washing my feet were not normal reactions to my physical life. I grew up avoiding social situations because the thought of being the center of attention was enough to send my mind racing to possible outcomes of sentences someone else might say and formulating complex scenarios to prepare myself for in order to have a two-way conversation. I went away to college and became incredibly depressed and isolated myself from friends I had known for years because I was completely miserable and couldn't adapt to my new situation.
Then I grew up and everything magnified in response to situations I couldn't control. I developed insomnia because I could not stop the thoughts that raced through my mind; I thought of things I said to friends from ten years before and thought of ways I could have improved the situation, I thought of dying and pictured all the things I had to do the next day. During my waking hours, I filled my life with endless tasks just to keep myself from thinking; I went to school and did 50 plus hours of homework each week in addition to working my full time job, taking care of my children, selling children's books, and managing a household. I added on rituals to make myself feel safe; I constantly checked the light in my closet to make sure it was shut off, I opened and closed the locks on my front door, I ran back home on multiple occasions to check to make sure my hair straightener was unplugged, and I obsessively turned my alarm clock on and off and readjusted my phone volume each night.
I constantly felt like crying. I would sit in my bed and tears would spring to my eyes for no apparently reason. I called out of work multiple times because the thought of getting out of bed was unbearable. I avoided friends. I stopped returning phone calls. And my mind would still not quiet; I was mentally and physically exhausted from my "rituals" and thoughts.
I now understand that I did many of those things because I never learned positive coping methods when I was younger; I did not learn how to self soothe in positive ways. I did not get the help I needed when I was younger and as life became harder, so did my thinking. I now understand that mental illness is biological; those who have mental illness in their family are more likely to develop their own mental health issues. My genetics are severely against me in this case. But I now understand that it can get better if I learn to face the stigmas set forth by our society.
Stigmas and our reactive society are what forces those who are facing anxiety, depression, and numerous other issues to become quiet and to live a life others know nothing about. It is so hard to hide who you are; it is mentally and physically exhausting to pretend to have normal thoughts (instead of spiraling ones), it is mentally and physically exhausting to be worried about not only yourself but every possible situation that could come to pass, and it is mentally and physically exhausting to battle against individuals who suppress the ideas, thoughts, and feelings of those of us who are facing mental illness.
So next time a celebrity commits suicide, or an actress discusses Postpartum Depression, or when your friend tells you that they think too much, don't brush them off. Don't say, "Oh, but they always seemed so happy" or "They have everything they could possibly want, why would they be depressed?" or "Just stop thinking". Instead say, "Thank you for sharing your story with me" or "I don't know what to say, but I am here for you" or say, "I never knew you were struggling. It must have been hard for you to tell me that. I appreciate your bravery". Offer support, understanding, and the option of just standing/sitting beside someone who is struggling.
Remember that you wouldn't say, "Just get a new heart" to someone with heart disease and you wouldn't say, "Just get up and walk" to someone in a wheelchair. So why tell someone with a mental illness to "Just get over it"?
Let's be a proactive society instead of a reactive society. Let's knock down stigmas. Let's learn some compassion. You never know when your words have the power to bring someone up or knock someone down.
Unfortunately I fear that we are living in a reactive society. And that breaks my heart and makes my mind race.
We react to gun violence. There are protests, marches, and petitions. There are little girls who make passionate speeches and Kindergarten teachers who create poems about hiding when there is an active shooter in the school. There are cries and tears and looting as young (mostly) men and women bleed out on the street from a seemingly unprovoked attack by a police officer. There are red faces and press conferences about what went wrong and how we can get men in professional sports to stop kneeling. We are being reactive.
While gun violence is horrible and the number of lives lost is inconceivable, this is not the topic I choose to address in detail today. Instead I choose to speak about mental illness...the subject that instills fear in my heart and catches the stigmatized drama of a majority of our society.
We are a reactive society to mental illness. And that breaks my heart and makes my mind race too.
In the media, especially over the course of these past weeks, we have been inundated with the losses of celebrities who have taken their own life. Society has been especially reactive to these losses...
There is the "normal" talk of, "I remember when...". We remember when we first watched a celebrity explore the world, the first time we heard them speak, or (if we were really lucky), the first time we saw them live. Then come the condolence. The heartbreak for a young life lost too soon. The sadness of losing someone who brought joy to so many others. The prayers for family and friends who were left behind. And then comes the very worst part. The inevitable chatter that always turns the conversation from one of loss to one of stigmatization.
This is the part of the conversation that makes a loss seem negative in the worst possible way. The part that makes the individual who committed suicide seem like the "bad guy".
The very worst parts are the judgments.
The hateful people who say, "Why would they give up their life if they had everything?" The ignorant people who state, "They seemed so happy. Why would they take their own life?". The hurtful people who say, "They took the coward's way out. There is no reason to take your own life. There is always hope". The arrogant people who say, "If I had that much money, I would never be depressed".
The very worst part are the judgments. The hate. The harm. The ignorance. From words that cut like a knife.
Now, unfortunately, I feel as though I have to defend myself at this point. Which is entirely frustrating and negates the whole purpose of this stance, but still, it must be said.
Suicide is a horrible death. It is painful for those who were affected and for those who loved the individual who is no longer walking this earth. It sucks and this is such a sensitive subject because who knows the reasoning behind each death. But, I just want people to understand the other side of supporting the hateful, ignorant comments that usually follow a suicide.
Mental illness is such a taboo subject to discuss. Those who face anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, biopolar disorder, and every other mental disorder in between are pegged into teeny, tiny holes. They are thought of to be unstable, crazy, incapable of leading "normal lives", and thrown onto a pedestal that negates their human livelihood.
The individuals facing mental illness each and everyday are made to feel like perpetrators. Individuals who should feel "shamed" to be living with a constant battle in their head. Their thoughts are suddenly put on display and picked apart by people who do not truly understand what is happening to someone deeply affected by mental illness.
The truth is, mental illness has nothing to do with someone's ability to perform their job. It has nothing to do with someone's wealth, education status, parenthood, upraising, neighborhood or economic status. It has nothing to do with their lifestyle choice or circumstances they have tried (or not tried) to change. Although all these areas are affected, mental illness is not a choice. It is very much like having a genetic heart disease. It is something that occurs to someone's body; it is an imbalance that must be talked about and treated just like a physical illness.
But, in our reactive society, that does not happen.
Instead, we learn to fear those with mental illness. We, as a society, state they are more likely to commit a school shooting and they should be institutionalized. We say they are crazy and should not be trusted with children. We say they should be talked about, but not heard. We ignore the physical symptoms and allow the manifestations of this horrible disease to become a living, breathing entity that society fears and reacts to instead of being proactive towards.
Well, I am tired of being reactive and instead decide to be proactive.
I am actively finding a way to overcome the stigmas of mental illness and finding a way to be comfortable with my diagnosis and finding a positive way to help myself overcome the negative stigmas.
Having a mental illness is horrible, especially when it is ignored or mistreated. I grew up not understanding that my balance of having to chew on both sides of mouth, of arranging my pictures and knick-knacks on my dresser in even numbers, of obsessively washing my feet were not normal reactions to my physical life. I grew up avoiding social situations because the thought of being the center of attention was enough to send my mind racing to possible outcomes of sentences someone else might say and formulating complex scenarios to prepare myself for in order to have a two-way conversation. I went away to college and became incredibly depressed and isolated myself from friends I had known for years because I was completely miserable and couldn't adapt to my new situation.
Then I grew up and everything magnified in response to situations I couldn't control. I developed insomnia because I could not stop the thoughts that raced through my mind; I thought of things I said to friends from ten years before and thought of ways I could have improved the situation, I thought of dying and pictured all the things I had to do the next day. During my waking hours, I filled my life with endless tasks just to keep myself from thinking; I went to school and did 50 plus hours of homework each week in addition to working my full time job, taking care of my children, selling children's books, and managing a household. I added on rituals to make myself feel safe; I constantly checked the light in my closet to make sure it was shut off, I opened and closed the locks on my front door, I ran back home on multiple occasions to check to make sure my hair straightener was unplugged, and I obsessively turned my alarm clock on and off and readjusted my phone volume each night.
I constantly felt like crying. I would sit in my bed and tears would spring to my eyes for no apparently reason. I called out of work multiple times because the thought of getting out of bed was unbearable. I avoided friends. I stopped returning phone calls. And my mind would still not quiet; I was mentally and physically exhausted from my "rituals" and thoughts.
I now understand that I did many of those things because I never learned positive coping methods when I was younger; I did not learn how to self soothe in positive ways. I did not get the help I needed when I was younger and as life became harder, so did my thinking. I now understand that mental illness is biological; those who have mental illness in their family are more likely to develop their own mental health issues. My genetics are severely against me in this case. But I now understand that it can get better if I learn to face the stigmas set forth by our society.
Stigmas and our reactive society are what forces those who are facing anxiety, depression, and numerous other issues to become quiet and to live a life others know nothing about. It is so hard to hide who you are; it is mentally and physically exhausting to pretend to have normal thoughts (instead of spiraling ones), it is mentally and physically exhausting to be worried about not only yourself but every possible situation that could come to pass, and it is mentally and physically exhausting to battle against individuals who suppress the ideas, thoughts, and feelings of those of us who are facing mental illness.
So next time a celebrity commits suicide, or an actress discusses Postpartum Depression, or when your friend tells you that they think too much, don't brush them off. Don't say, "Oh, but they always seemed so happy" or "They have everything they could possibly want, why would they be depressed?" or "Just stop thinking". Instead say, "Thank you for sharing your story with me" or "I don't know what to say, but I am here for you" or say, "I never knew you were struggling. It must have been hard for you to tell me that. I appreciate your bravery". Offer support, understanding, and the option of just standing/sitting beside someone who is struggling.
Remember that you wouldn't say, "Just get a new heart" to someone with heart disease and you wouldn't say, "Just get up and walk" to someone in a wheelchair. So why tell someone with a mental illness to "Just get over it"?
Let's be a proactive society instead of a reactive society. Let's knock down stigmas. Let's learn some compassion. You never know when your words have the power to bring someone up or knock someone down.
"I don't want you to save me. I want you to stand by my side as I save myself."
