Guilt

Every night before I go to bed I wish for just about the same things. I'm not a religious person. I wasn't raised that way. I have gone to church before. I used to attend church youth groups with various friends. But I was never raised with a confirmed religion. Think of that what you may. But just because I don't follow specific passages in a book doesn't make me a heathen. And it certainly doesn't prevent me from asking whoever it is out there for a few favors each night before I lay my head down on the pillow.

I try to keep it simple. I make a wish that everyone I know and love is healthy, safe, and relatively happy. Especially my daughter Amelia Rose because I love her more than words on a page or words spoken aloud can express. I ask for myself to be watched over as well. Sometimes I modify what I have to "ask" for based on a situation... Like watch over my grandfather because he is going into surgery today. Or please make sure my brother's pain goes away from his latest sore. It all depends on what was brought to my attention that day.

But truthfully, it's almost the same routine every night. I don't know who is listening. But I like to think there is someone watching over me and those I hold dear to my heart.

And then there are those "desperate" times. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Something simple like, "If you cancel school today, then I will study extra hard during that time." Or something vastly complex like, "Please make my sister/brother/mother/best friend get through this terrible thing and I will never swear again. I will live my life with vigor. I will be a nice person."

I do this too. Like when my brother went to the hospital on Christmas Day. All I did was think, "Please, please, please don't let this be the last time I talk to him. He deserves to have such a good life. There are so many experiences he still needs. Please I want more time. I won't fight with him again." Or the time Amelia fell out of the shopping cart and ended up in the ER I thought, "Please don't let my stupid, first time parent mistake cost me more than what I am. She is so young. I will NEVER EVER do that again. Just let her be okay." I don't know who I am asking for help, but I do this a lot too.

These thoughts may seem harmless. Perhaps you are reading this and think, "Oh I do that myself too." "I know who I pray too." "Yup, sounds familiar."

When I make these thoughts/wishes/pleas for help, I feel incredibly guilty.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends and want the best for them. I truly do. I would literally give my life for my daughter. But what right do I have to ask to keep myself well, or for school to be cancelled, or for my husband to not ask me to drive because I'm scared? There are so many people out there who are much more deserving of wishes and thoughts and prayers like this. People who have so much less than I do. And here I am taking up time that could be spent "listening to someone else".

I feel guilty. So guilty.

There are people out there who don't have enough food to fill their bellies and I wish that I didn't have to cook dinner for the uncles every night. There are people who don't have a blanket over their bodies as they sleep or a roof over their head to shield them from a winter storm (I literally saw people living in tents on my recent train trip) and I wish for a place of my own. There are people who don't have jobs due to the economy and are struggling to support their families and I wish for a job that's something more than a cashier when other people would leap at the chance (don't get me wrong, I would TOTALLY accept a cashier job, but it's not my "ideal job"). There are people who have never taken a vacation in their life and I wish for the year to speed up so I can go to Disney that much faster.

So guilty. And so selfish of me.

There are so many people out their with problems so much greater than the ones I face. And all I can think of is myself.

I know it's not wrong to wish the best for your family. In fact, tonight when I go to sleep, I will make all the same wishes again. But, I still feel wrong for asking for all the day-to-day problems to go away. Because I am lucky...even if I don't see it that way all the time.

I have a loving husband. One who drives me crazy. Who doesn't always see eye to eye with me. But, he's there for me no matter what I do. He tolerates all my (hopefully) good and bad qualities. I have a beautiful daughter. One who never ceases to amaze me. Who I say is a little devil but really she is the most well-behaved child I have met in my entire life. And she's so smart too! I have parents (my mom and stepfather) who I fight with on occasion. But who are there for me whenever I need help, whether it be with school, my daughter, or anything in between. I have a sister who is my best friend. I have a brother who is my hero. I have in-laws who accepted me and who I love. I have close family. I have THE BEST friends anyone can ask for. The kind of friends who can be miles apart and are still incredibly close to my heart. Friends who I know will be there through thick and thin. I'm in school. I have a roof over my head. Food in the fridge. I'm lucky.

And yet I still wish for what I don't have. I guess it's the "human nature" in me...the one that's mostly self-absorbed. The one where the "grass is always greener on the other side". How when you were little and you have stick straight hair and all you wanted was curls. Or how you were incredibly tall and awkward and you wanted nothing more than to be shorter and average. I guess I never out grew that. I want my own place. I want my college degree. I want it all. I wish for it all.

But, maybe I should just sit back once in a while and remember what I have. I know I should cherish all this. It could be gone in a second. What I have other people wish for (maybe?). I need to give into my guilt and just remember how lucky I am.

And maybe you should too. Don't stop asking, but maybe tonight include someone else in on your wishes, prayers, ect... Because you are lucky too. Even if you don't see it.