A few years ago I got a tattoo with one of my best friends. It was my birthday present to her and also a gift to myself. It's a phrase that we continually say to one another; whenever we are upset, or happy, or when something doesn't happen quite the way we expected. We have been saying the same thing to one another through life's ups and downs for ten years. In fact, we believe in the phrase so much that we got the tattoo inked on our forearms so we could see it everyday as a reminder to ourselves; as a way to get through all those moments that we couldn't understand.
Over the past two years, I have looked at this tattoo numerous times. It's gorgeous. The script is elegant. It makes me feel like I have someone on my side no matter what, even if they aren't by my physical side. Whenever I am upset, I just have to look at my arm and suddenly a big problem doesn't weigh as much as it did moments before. It's become a mantra that I have chanted through my mind when I faced a difficult day at work, when my family was entering uncharted territory, and when I just couldn't figure out a "good enough" answer. It's provided a lot of comfort...
Until recently...
Recently, I was faced with an easy decision and an impossible outcome. It was a situation that will forever stay with me. One that will influence my career and personal decisions in the future. One that makes me feel heartbroken and hollow on the inside. One that I never thought I would be directly affected by. A situation that I had heard about and thought, "That would never happen to me" or "I would never have to play that big of a role". A situation that I want to simultaneously erase from my mind and permanently hold onto with all my might.
It's something that makes me think the quote on my arm is wrong...
Maybe not wrong. But maybe it's not as big of a saving grace as I thought it was. Maybe I held onto the concept of the quote with such reverence that I never questioned what would happen when I couldn't find an answer. I guess I never understood the power thoughts and words could hold over someone. What would happen if the words weren't strong enough to hold up to my expectations? What if instead of making me stronger, they made me weaker? What if they made me hold life's questions up to an unattainable answer?
What happens when your beliefs crumble?
My whole life I have believed in a few concepts that I refuse to let go. Concepts that I have learned through hard life lessons and personal experiences that influenced the steps I took towards my personal and professional lives. These concepts have been proven true to me time and time again by the actions of others and myself. Although they may not be the beliefs of others, I still firmly believe in them...or at least I did...
One concept is regret.
Regret is a wasted emotion. Or perhaps it's a wasted state of living. Regretting a decision, words spoken, or actions taken cannot change the past. Life doesn't move backwards. No day is the same. Therefore, living with regret will only eat up your future. It will only negatively impact your outlook on life, the relationships you weave on a daily basis, and the internal thoughts that course through your mind throughout the day. Regret only leads to hurt. It doesn't make you a better person. Living through the impacts of your actions, words, and thoughts are the only thing that can be changed. Moving on from what occurred and trying to be a better person the next time is the only way to combat those negative emotions associated with regret. Changing the future is easy; you just have to try.
Another concept is that people don't change.
Although this may be a controversial thought, it's still one that I firmly believe. People don't change, they only become more of who they were or they substitute their emotions/actions/thoughts for another idea. For example, in my last post, I discussed how I am proud of myself. I have become more outspoken, I have learned to love myself, and I have succeed in my professional and personal goals. That doesn't mean I am a different person or that I have changed. It means that I had all that potential and never acted upon it. It means that I let myself become more of who I truly am on the inside. Or let's think about the concept of people never changing in terms of addiction. I believe an addict can quit and they can turn their life around and become better at living. But, often they replace that addiction with another one. Perhaps it's "GOD", or the Steps Program, or smoking, or eating, or becoming healthy, or even adding a new relationship to the mix. Plus, the addiction is always there. It is a struggle they constantly deal with. I commend those who have recovered because it's not an easy thing to do. And many people fail at trying to overcome their addictions. But deep down, there is always that addictive personality. That need for something more. I know because I also have an addictive personality. I have been around addicts my entire life. I've seen their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. I get it. But, bottom line: people don't change. We just see who they really are or they show us.
But now, I doubt myself. Maybe my beliefs aren't that strong.
One situation can change your entire outlook on life. It can leave lasting impressions. It can make you doubt your chosen path and the future. One situation can lead to so much more. It can make you look at the power of words and thoughts and question how much power should be given to those concepts. One situation.
One situation has made me look at the quote on my arm and question everything. I don't have the answers anymore. Looking down at my arm is not the solution it once was...
The quote on my arm reads:
"Everything happens for a reason"
Writing is good for the soul and my soul can speak volumes.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Reflections for the Proud
The beginning of a new year is always a time for reflection for a lot of people. They review the goals they accomplished over the year. Or the goals they forgot about along the way. They think about loves lost and gained. They reflect on who they are as a person and who they want to "become". They think about regrets, mistakes, and moments that could've happened, but didn't. They remember those they lost through death or through life's obstacles. They look to the new year for a fresh start...to redeem themselves, to move forward, or to gain control.
At the beginning of the new year, I engage in these thoughts and activities as well. As the new year rolls forward, I am focused on reflecting on a blog post, and a subsequent promise, I made to myself almost one year ago.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let others define me. I wouldn't let them take control of my life and dictate who I was as a person, as a teacher, as a friend, as a lover, or as a student. I promised myself I would remember the lessons I learned the previous year and I would move forward as a woman who stood up for herself. A woman who remembered who she was as a person and who wouldn't let others lose sight of that. Looking back across the year, reflecting on each move I made and everything I said, I know that I remembered who I was as a person. I not only didn't let others define myself, I defined myself a little more clearly.
This past year, I became a better me. Or rather, I realized that I really like who I am.
I'm proud of myself for speaking up. This past year, I spoke against those who created injustice, not just for myself, but for the littlest hearts of our world. I refused to put up with hurtful words, degrading politics, and harmful practices. I let my voice be known and I refused to back down. I fought for myself. I fought for what I thought needed to be changed. I stood up and refused to sit back down until someone heard what I had to say. Not only did I accomplish my goals, with a little help from people in the right places and determined cohorts on my side, but I did it with grace. I did it without stooping to the level of pettiness I experienced. I spoke up with a clear voice that spoke with honesty and without bias. I spoke with grace, heart, and without fear.
I am so proud of myself for finding my voice.
I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my academic and professional goals. This past year (and then some) was incredibly difficult for myself professionally and academically. I went through unbelievable change that made me doubt my chosen career path. A change that brought new pettiness to light and also new alliances. I went through hurt and pain at the expense of others words and actions. I also lost myself a little bit along the way and found that I can't always have perfect scores (a surprisingly difficult concept to swallow) and achieve the small goals. I tested my willpower, my ability to remain mentally prepared each day, and the concept of surviving on a few hours of sleep. But in the end, I accomplished the big goals. I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Child Studies with the status of being a member of the Alpha Chi Honor Society and a diploma that reads Magna Cum Laude. I also attended professional development conferences and persevered through harmful learning situations to become a more confident teacher.
I am so proud of myself for reaching my goals.
I'm proud of myself for learning to love myself. When I was in high school, I hated who I was. I thought I was too fat. I used to throw up my food because I didn't look like the beautiful people at school and the actresses on t.v. I thought I was unlovable. I used to analyze every square inch of my body...inside and out. I saw so much acne, stretch marks, hideous feet, an emotionally damaged soul that was incapable of being repaired. I thought I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, daughter, or girlfriend. I struggled for such a long time trying to overcome extreme social anxiety, self-doubt, and dangerous behaviors. I honestly saw no worth in who I was. In fact, this continued for a long time...well into my twenties. But, now... I look down and see my stretch marks. I can count all the dimples in my thighs, stomach, and butt that are a result of cellulite. I see the scars from years of acne and see more bouts of it pop up every few weeks. I wave my arms and resemble a bird taking flight due to the extra little bit of weight in my upper arms. I have what I refer to as a fanny pack...a slight pouch gained from pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. I see lots of imperfections. I know some of it can be improved and tightened with a good diet and some exercise. But, then I remember what all those marks, scars, and curves mean.
They mean that I gave birth to two beautiful children and I was too busy caring for them, loving them, and remaining in the moment to care about getting rid of the fanny pack. They represent those moments where I indulged in a late night food fest with great friends or moments of pure sugar-induced bliss with people who mean the world to me. They stand for the ridiculous nights where I laughed too hard, danced too much, and loved enough. They represent the times of stress I endured and overcome to become a better mother, daughter, wife, student, teacher, and friend. They also remind me that I am not going to have the perfect body. I was born with whatever genes were given to me by my family. I make choices everyday that impact my body and personality. I wear each mark, curve, scar, and imperfection proudly. I love my personality and my body. I am a good person inside and out and I came to truly understand that this year.
I am so proud to finally be happy in my skin.
The start of a new year is definitely time for reflection. This year I constantly reflected back on who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, as a wife, as a teacher, and as a friend. I learned from my past lessons and became a stronger person. But, there are still so many lessons to learned and reflected upon.
I know that 2017 will be full of hard decisions. Learning how to let go. Accepting help. Remembering who I can trust and who is there to support me. Trying to find a way to get past the hurtful words, the people who cannot learn to love themselves, and struggling to set a good example. Finding out how to accomplish my personal and academic goals. Learning new skills. Understanding how to be loved and how to love in return. Accepting situations I cannot change. Living under the notion that everything happens for a reason. Embrace the fact there are people in my life who are not meant to be carried into the future. And relishing in the fact that there are those who will always be a constant source of strength. But, I am ready for all of this and more.
Because I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of overcoming the impossible situations. I am proud of loving my body and personality. I am proud to be outspoken. I am proud of myself.
At the beginning of the new year, I engage in these thoughts and activities as well. As the new year rolls forward, I am focused on reflecting on a blog post, and a subsequent promise, I made to myself almost one year ago.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let others define me. I wouldn't let them take control of my life and dictate who I was as a person, as a teacher, as a friend, as a lover, or as a student. I promised myself I would remember the lessons I learned the previous year and I would move forward as a woman who stood up for herself. A woman who remembered who she was as a person and who wouldn't let others lose sight of that. Looking back across the year, reflecting on each move I made and everything I said, I know that I remembered who I was as a person. I not only didn't let others define myself, I defined myself a little more clearly.
This past year, I became a better me. Or rather, I realized that I really like who I am.
I'm proud of myself for speaking up. This past year, I spoke against those who created injustice, not just for myself, but for the littlest hearts of our world. I refused to put up with hurtful words, degrading politics, and harmful practices. I let my voice be known and I refused to back down. I fought for myself. I fought for what I thought needed to be changed. I stood up and refused to sit back down until someone heard what I had to say. Not only did I accomplish my goals, with a little help from people in the right places and determined cohorts on my side, but I did it with grace. I did it without stooping to the level of pettiness I experienced. I spoke up with a clear voice that spoke with honesty and without bias. I spoke with grace, heart, and without fear.
I am so proud of myself for finding my voice.
I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my academic and professional goals. This past year (and then some) was incredibly difficult for myself professionally and academically. I went through unbelievable change that made me doubt my chosen career path. A change that brought new pettiness to light and also new alliances. I went through hurt and pain at the expense of others words and actions. I also lost myself a little bit along the way and found that I can't always have perfect scores (a surprisingly difficult concept to swallow) and achieve the small goals. I tested my willpower, my ability to remain mentally prepared each day, and the concept of surviving on a few hours of sleep. But in the end, I accomplished the big goals. I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Child Studies with the status of being a member of the Alpha Chi Honor Society and a diploma that reads Magna Cum Laude. I also attended professional development conferences and persevered through harmful learning situations to become a more confident teacher.
I am so proud of myself for reaching my goals.
I'm proud of myself for learning to love myself. When I was in high school, I hated who I was. I thought I was too fat. I used to throw up my food because I didn't look like the beautiful people at school and the actresses on t.v. I thought I was unlovable. I used to analyze every square inch of my body...inside and out. I saw so much acne, stretch marks, hideous feet, an emotionally damaged soul that was incapable of being repaired. I thought I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, daughter, or girlfriend. I struggled for such a long time trying to overcome extreme social anxiety, self-doubt, and dangerous behaviors. I honestly saw no worth in who I was. In fact, this continued for a long time...well into my twenties. But, now... I look down and see my stretch marks. I can count all the dimples in my thighs, stomach, and butt that are a result of cellulite. I see the scars from years of acne and see more bouts of it pop up every few weeks. I wave my arms and resemble a bird taking flight due to the extra little bit of weight in my upper arms. I have what I refer to as a fanny pack...a slight pouch gained from pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. I see lots of imperfections. I know some of it can be improved and tightened with a good diet and some exercise. But, then I remember what all those marks, scars, and curves mean.
They mean that I gave birth to two beautiful children and I was too busy caring for them, loving them, and remaining in the moment to care about getting rid of the fanny pack. They represent those moments where I indulged in a late night food fest with great friends or moments of pure sugar-induced bliss with people who mean the world to me. They stand for the ridiculous nights where I laughed too hard, danced too much, and loved enough. They represent the times of stress I endured and overcome to become a better mother, daughter, wife, student, teacher, and friend. They also remind me that I am not going to have the perfect body. I was born with whatever genes were given to me by my family. I make choices everyday that impact my body and personality. I wear each mark, curve, scar, and imperfection proudly. I love my personality and my body. I am a good person inside and out and I came to truly understand that this year.
I am so proud to finally be happy in my skin.
The start of a new year is definitely time for reflection. This year I constantly reflected back on who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, as a wife, as a teacher, and as a friend. I learned from my past lessons and became a stronger person. But, there are still so many lessons to learned and reflected upon.
I know that 2017 will be full of hard decisions. Learning how to let go. Accepting help. Remembering who I can trust and who is there to support me. Trying to find a way to get past the hurtful words, the people who cannot learn to love themselves, and struggling to set a good example. Finding out how to accomplish my personal and academic goals. Learning new skills. Understanding how to be loved and how to love in return. Accepting situations I cannot change. Living under the notion that everything happens for a reason. Embrace the fact there are people in my life who are not meant to be carried into the future. And relishing in the fact that there are those who will always be a constant source of strength. But, I am ready for all of this and more.
Because I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of overcoming the impossible situations. I am proud of loving my body and personality. I am proud to be outspoken. I am proud of myself.
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