Like a Sucker Punch

The hardest part of someone passing is not what people traditionally think. It is hard to not be able to hug that person, to kiss them again, to speak to them, or just be in their presence. The idea of not being able to do any of those things is incredibly disheartening to think about and even harder to accept. However, that is not the hardest part of losing someone you love. The hardest part is simply not knowing...

Not knowing why this was their time. Not knowing that the last time you spoke to them was the last thing you would ever say to them. Not knowing why they died. Not knowing what happens to them after this life...

Not knowing is definitely the hardest part.

I know that there are some people who are unwavering in their faith. They believe that when a person passes they will be delivered to God or Allah or to some pearly gate. They know and believe that their life dictated where they end up in the afterlife. I know that there are some people who do not believe in the afterlife. They believe that once we are gone, that is it. We simply cease to exist and they are comfortable knowing that. There are others, like my father (whom I don't speak of or to often), who believe that we are already living in our own dimension of the afterlife. Earth is simply purgatory and we are forever in limbo. Still others believe that we are reincarnated into a better or worse life depending on how we lived this one. There are so many thoughts and beliefs surrounding what happens after this...

I envy those people who are so strong in their beliefs that death is like a homecoming. Or that the afterlife is already decided or simply nothing. They already know.

But I don't. I don't know what comes next. So the hardest part of someone passing is not knowing.

I don't know where you went or that you are okay. I don't know that you aren't hurting anymore. I don't know if you can see me. I don't know if you are reunited with Grandma and Grandpa and all the ones that came before. I don't know if you are simply ceasing to exist because you died the moment you took your last breath. I don't know if you are happy or sad or hurting or in limbo. I don't know if you were reincarnated into a body that lets you walk, or run, or fly. I simple don't know.

And that not knowing knocks the air out of me and tortures me in the weirdest moments.

A few days ago I was straightening my hair. I was listening to music. I was just about to start my day. And then I felt it.

Like a sucker punch.

I felt that you weren't here anymore. I remembered that I wouldn't be able to talk to you about the upcoming Avengers movie or Deadpool Two because you wouldn't be able to answer. I remembered that in a week I wouldn't be able to spend Easter with you and watch as you laughed as the kids found eggs. I remembered that I wouldn't be able to be there to help feed you dinner or lunch or a snack. I remembered that I couldn't argue with you over the fact that you talked too much during a movie. I felt that you weren't here anymore.

It knocked the wind out of me and I was paralyzed in this moment of a sucker punch. The sucker punch of life and death and the unknown.

These past few weeks have been incredibly hard for me. I subconsciously refuse to go to mom's house because I know you won't be there. Your things are slowly moving out of the house. Mom is moving on and you won't be at the new house. Jess is moving on and she won't be living with you anymore. And I thought I was moving on too, but some days are really hard....

When the dust settles and you are past the wake and funeral and sympathy cards, life goes on. You return back to work. You become a mom again. You become a student again. You become a part of society again. And everyone else stops asking. They stop asking how you are doing. They stop remembering that a part of you is missing. Which is comforting in a way, because I know you would want us to live our life as normal as possible. And who wants to be remembered as the girl who lost her brother? Who wants to be reminded of that?

But then there are days where it is so hard. So hard to be positive. So hard to move on. So hard to remember that you won't be there for holidays. Or parties. Or everyday moments.

It is so hard to not know... It feels like a sucker punch.