Time and Words

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Time is one of those concepts. One of those concepts that always seems to escape me. How do minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days that fly by? How do some moments become trapped in time and then we relive them over and over again and how do other moments drag by at the slowest pace? Time is given to us, but not explained. It is what we do with time that determines everything.

But time is something that some of us have more of than others.

Recently time has come to a standstill. Time that was spent in routine; spent in bustling motions moving from place to place on autopilot is now different. Time that we dreaded has now become time we dread in an all new way. Time that we ran out of is now more present than ever. Time is existing and unfolding in new ways each day. Minutes still become hours but days become ever evolving in both new and terrifying ways.

But what do we do when time changes?

This week I plunged into the unknown. I created schedules for myself and my kids where we both worked and took advantage of the sunshine and local landmarks. We then broke those schedules to hang on the couch and watch movies. We threw screen-time out the window and simultaneously used more and less technology depending on the day. I communicated with people in different ways. I worked in different ways. I cooked so much... three meals a day is exhausting... But we survived.

Because we found what worked for us when we needed it.

During times of trials and tribulations, I know what helps me feel better. I love reading and writing. Reading plunges me into worlds different than my own. It calms me down and helps me fall asleep at night. Writing is the best way for me to express my feelings. I write down the words that comfort me and hope they lend themselves to the comfort of others. Music also makes me feel better. I listen to music for everything I do... washing dishes, baking, cleaning, writing, doing homework, lesson planning, applying makeup and getting ready in the morning... everything I do has a soundtrack. My family also helps me during difficult adjustments. But this isn't about them. This about what I do to make sure I can be fully present for my family. What I do to make sure I take care of myself.

Here is how I survived the week.

"I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book." 

- J.K. Rowling

Words are so beautiful. They tell stories and break hearts. They build confidence and break down boundaries. Words explain emotions beyond the physical characteristics and emphasize the importance of a moment. They calm situations and fuel debates. They have the power to change dynamics and destroy realities. Words are so important. But reading someone else's words between the covers of a book is just as powerful.

It is here that the words have the ability transport you.

They bring you to faraway places or nearby towns. They change reality into fantasy and plunge you deep into science fiction. They can be strung together to tell a story so real it's painful or so ridiculous it's hard to tear your eyes away from. Stories are the way we connect to other people. Through books I have gained whole communities of people who relate to words in the same exact way that I do. It's empowering and comforting.

Here are the words that grounded me recently:

• One of Us is Next by Karen M. McManus - So this one is young adult and honestly, I stopped being ashamed of reading this genre a LONG time ago. This book is the sequel to One of Us is Lying and it was perfect. It was a quick read. A mystery. A romance. All the elements that make it an intriguing book for me. I read it in a day and I would recommend it to anyone 14+.
• Big Lies in a Small Town by Diane Chamberlin - Ugh. This book. Simultaneously different and similar to what I normally read. It's definitely a thriller-suspense-mystery type book which I have been LOVING lately. It's about a new art opening, individuals with troubled pasts, and heavy topics that forever change the characters. It was honestly hard to read at times because of the subject matter, but I guess that's what makes it good. Some of the best stories are often the ones that are the hardest to hear. Recommended age 18+

Honorable mentions because I didn't read them this week:

• Regretting You by Colleen Hoover - I will say it OVER and OVER again. GO READ COLLEEN HOOVER. She is honestly one of my favorite authors and people. I was lucky enough to meet her and her family and they are the most down-to-earth humans. Colleen is hilarious and generous; she started a 100% non profit charity that does amazing things and her Instagram stories make me laugh out loud. But her words. Her words make me cry and laugh and feel all the things. This book was no different. What happens when you make a decision and realize many years later that it wasn't exactly what you wanted? What happens when life makes a decision for you and changes everything? What happens to mother-daughter relationships when they are forced to make hard choices? This book answers all those questions and more. It was SO GOOD! Good for ages 16+
• The Wives by Tarryn Fisher - Ever read a book and the end makes you ask yourself, "What the hell just happened,"? Yeah. This is that book. Tarryn is one of those writers; she makes you think. Her stories are basically allegories and the subjects are deep and dark and disturbing in very unique ways. They always make me question everything and The Wives is no different. Thursday is one of three wives; she gets her "husband" just a night or two a week and knows very little about his other lives. But one day a paper falls out of his pocket and suddenly Thursday has the opportunity to answer all her unasked questions. But with each answer comes a puzzling predicament that keeps the reader guessing right until the very last sentence. Good luck with this one. It's twisted but so worth it. 18+ for this one

"Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul."

-Plato

Music is one of those things where personal preference is everything. Genres of music become sacred battlegrounds where advocates find their own truths. Songs become personal anthems and bring with them strong memories. Lyrics create tales of battles won or lost; emotions felt so strongly they bring tears to your eyes or goosebumps to your skin. Music is one of those things.

Here are the songs that I am loving right now:

• The Frozen II soundtrack - I know. I love Disney. Frozen II is all the rage right now. But honestly, I am OBSESSED with this movie. Despite the fact that it was incredibly done in terms of consistency from the first movie and with character development, the messages that come through are SO POWERFUL. Anna's "The Next Right Thing" is heartbreaking; it almost has notes of depression and struggle in it and what a powerful message to address to young kids. Elsa's "Show Yourself" is an ode to being comfortable with who you are despite what others expect of you. The songs are haunting and beautiful and make me feel sad and uplifted and all the emotions. "All is Found" should get an honorable mention too.
• "Hallelujah" by Pentatonix - This has been a favorite for a long time, but lately it makes me feel hopeful. Hopeful that I can belt out the lyrics and not be ashamed of how I feel. Hopeful that some things never change and can outlast time. Hopeful that there is an end to the chaos.
• Anything by the Lumineers - I personally think this band is very underrated. Something about their unique soulful tone touches me in such a personal way. Their lyrics are catchy and their songs have meanings beyond what one might think. I almost always have them on when I am writing or just trying to find some peace. Personal favorites include "Nobody Knows", "Ophelia", "Angela", and "Stubborn Love".

Honorable mentions because I did this with the book section:

• "Dancing with Your Ghost" by Sasha Sloan - Such a haunting song. Such a unique voice. Love everything about this song.
• "Songbird" by Bailey Bryan - Such beautiful lyrics. Such a simple tone of voice that makes you feel everything. Love discovering new artists and their beautiful words.

Time and words. Sometimes we have too much of both. Sometimes we don't have enough of either. What we do with them is what determines our attitudes, our fears, our dispositions, our motivation. Time and words. Concepts that have completely changed our world within the past few weeks.

What are you going to do with them? 

Greatest Challenge

There's a quote on Pinterest that I saved a while ago and it goes something like this...

"I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worm pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings."

I like this quote so much because it's true. I like cancelled plans because they bring new possibilities and a chance to relax. I like empty bookstores because books speak to my soul. I love rain and thunderstorms so much that I have lightening bolts tattooed to my ankle. I like quiet coffee shops because the smell of coffee is as close to heaven as I can get and it's easier to hear conversations among friends. I don't really like messy beds but cuddling on the couch with over-fluffed comforters and over-worn sweatshirts mean I can finally relax.

But most of all the quote reminds me that life is really about enjoying the little things in a life that is often over-planned.

Lately life has been really challenging. In fact, recently I have felt burnt-out. So burnt-out that I felt like I was running on caffeine and anxiety. I literally reached my breaking point because everything seemed to go wrong. All the unexpected things happened at once. Really tough, really uncomfortable things. Things that made me question both my purpose and my decision-making. Each day was tougher than the last. And I felt so alone.

I was facing my greatest challenge. Actually, my greatest challenges.

I was struggling as a teacher. I was struggling as a mom. I was struggling as an individual.

Ask any teacher what they need and it will be one of two things: support or time. Sure, money for materials is great. We all sorely lack efficient textbooks, technology pieces, and office supplies. Money would also be helpful for enrichment activities like field trips and in-house programs. But time and support; those two items are priceless. There wasn't enough time in my day to sit down with the students who "got lost in the mix"; the kiddos who are quiet, answer questions when asked, and generally cause no interruptions. Instead my time was spent putting out fires; supporting children who were so dis-regulated that they couldn't communicate their needs and just destroyed their environment. My time was spent relaying messages between administration and coworkers. My time was spent worrying about how I was going to provide information when I had no answers.

What I really needed was support.

Support with communicating with families who do not understand the regulations and procedures of preschool. Support with providing an emotional and social foundation to students who are literally crying for help. Support with following through on the details of my job instead of wondering what I was expected to do next. Support with following-up on meetings, communicating with other professionals, and ensuring that policies are followed by all. Support with forming a team that ultimately kept the child in the forefront of all decisions.

Support that I just couldn't figure out how to get.

Ask any mom what she needs and support is probably another huge answer. However, I am extremely lucky and support is what I have; I have a strong team of individuals who help my children out everyday. For that, I am thankful beyond words. What I needed as a mom is what thousands of others moms need at some point as well. I needed to know that it would eventually be okay. As a parent, you are faced with countless decisions and situations that arise; situations that need immediate answers and have potentially life-long implications. I was at a crossroads. I was facing academic, social and emotional, and cognitive difficulties with both of my children. Issues that I couldn't solve even though I tried so hard. Issues that required time and appointments and decisions. I was doubting myself and each day was a struggle.

I doubted everything.

I doubted my ability to be a parent. Was I doing the right thing? Should I have acted sooner? Pushed harder for appointments and decisions? I doubted my ability as a teacher. I taught kids for a living and here my own children were struggling with their own learning environments. Did I really know how to teach? Should I have put in more time with homework? I was feeling extremely guilty. Maybe it was genetics that caused some of these problems. Maybe it was my own attitude and disposition that influenced the outcome of these areas. Maybe I chose wrong somewhere along the way. Maybe it was just me. Reassurance is what I needed. Reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

But reassurance was the one thing that I just couldn't find.

Ask any individual what they need more of and their answers might vary. Maybe they need money to keep up with bills. Maybe they need the newest Gucci bag that just came out. Maybe they need a vacation to get away from their everyday life. Maybe they need more sleep. Ask me and I need more self care. Care for my spirit, my body, and my mind. For several years I have been battling a crippling struggle with my health. It began with Lyme Disease and spiraled into joint pain, countless doctor visits and then lots of medications. Medications for joint pain, medications for anxiety due to health issues, medications for pain management. Medications that I just wanted to get away from and for a while, I was okay. Then this summer, everything fell apart; my body literally fell apart. In September I was diagnosed with precursors for an eye disease. September I learned I had a heart condition. January brought information of a lesion/small tumor on my kidneys. The same tests showed significant disc degeneration in my back, an enlarged liver, and reproductive issues. February I was diagnosed with a reproductive issue that requires a hysterectomy. But, my liver enzymes, kidney issues, and heart condition meant that I cannot safely undergo surgery. Plus my entire body was riddled with lymph nodes that were swollen; I was a walking compromised immune system. My body was literally falling apart in front of me. The medical bills were piling up and the solutions were few and far between.

I was broken. Literally and figuratively.

My greatest challenges were coming fast and furious and then less than a month after the latest battle, COVID-19 begins to hit its' peak. Hysteria in the media. Anxiety over watching and listening to the news. Warnings for those who are elderly and with weakened immune systems. Would the hits never stop coming? My doctors had just told me to be careful for all the aforementioned issues and here I was listening to how individuals were dying from COVID-19 because of their underlying health issues.

I was scared. Honestly, I still am.

But then schools closed. Social distancing was being reinforced and life got put on hold for us. Or at least for me and my kids. For my family. While my husband still has to work, we were left with a lot of time at home on our hands. For the first time in a long time, cancelled plans, messy beds, comfy clothes and enjoying the small joys in life were possible. This weekend was the first weekend without plans. My family played lots of board games, we caught up on cleaning and laundry, we had family movie nights every night, we read stories, and we spent time outside. We enjoyed the little things. It was really nice.

I am still scared. The parenting doubt hasn't gone away. My medical problems are still at the forefront of my mind. I worry about my students and what they are doing with this unexpected time off.

But, I am taking this as an answer to my greatest challenges. I was burnt-out. I was dreading work. I was filled with anxiety and fear over questions that I didn't have answers to. I was running on empty. But now, I can just take a step back. I can provide structure for my kids. I can get back to hobbies I haven't enjoyed in a while (like blogging). I can make a dent in my to-be-read list. I can tackle home projects and chores I neglected for far too long. I can just breathe. 

I can live a simple life for a while. And it feels so nice.