"I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worm pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings."
I like this quote so much because it's true. I like cancelled plans because they bring new possibilities and a chance to relax. I like empty bookstores because books speak to my soul. I love rain and thunderstorms so much that I have lightening bolts tattooed to my ankle. I like quiet coffee shops because the smell of coffee is as close to heaven as I can get and it's easier to hear conversations among friends. I don't really like messy beds but cuddling on the couch with over-fluffed comforters and over-worn sweatshirts mean I can finally relax.
But most of all the quote reminds me that life is really about enjoying the little things in a life that is often over-planned.
Lately life has been really challenging. In fact, recently I have felt burnt-out. So burnt-out that I felt like I was running on caffeine and anxiety. I literally reached my breaking point because everything seemed to go wrong. All the unexpected things happened at once. Really tough, really uncomfortable things. Things that made me question both my purpose and my decision-making. Each day was tougher than the last. And I felt so alone.
I was facing my greatest challenge. Actually, my greatest challenges.
I was struggling as a teacher. I was struggling as a mom. I was struggling as an individual.
Ask any teacher what they need and it will be one of two things: support or time. Sure, money for materials is great. We all sorely lack efficient textbooks, technology pieces, and office supplies. Money would also be helpful for enrichment activities like field trips and in-house programs. But time and support; those two items are priceless. There wasn't enough time in my day to sit down with the students who "got lost in the mix"; the kiddos who are quiet, answer questions when asked, and generally cause no interruptions. Instead my time was spent putting out fires; supporting children who were so dis-regulated that they couldn't communicate their needs and just destroyed their environment. My time was spent relaying messages between administration and coworkers. My time was spent worrying about how I was going to provide information when I had no answers.
What I really needed was support.
Support with communicating with families who do not understand the regulations and procedures of preschool. Support with providing an emotional and social foundation to students who are literally crying for help. Support with following through on the details of my job instead of wondering what I was expected to do next. Support with following-up on meetings, communicating with other professionals, and ensuring that policies are followed by all. Support with forming a team that ultimately kept the child in the forefront of all decisions.
Support that I just couldn't figure out how to get.
Ask any mom what she needs and support is probably another huge answer. However, I am extremely lucky and support is what I have; I have a strong team of individuals who help my children out everyday. For that, I am thankful beyond words. What I needed as a mom is what thousands of others moms need at some point as well. I needed to know that it would eventually be okay. As a parent, you are faced with countless decisions and situations that arise; situations that need immediate answers and have potentially life-long implications. I was at a crossroads. I was facing academic, social and emotional, and cognitive difficulties with both of my children. Issues that I couldn't solve even though I tried so hard. Issues that required time and appointments and decisions. I was doubting myself and each day was a struggle.
I doubted everything.
I doubted my ability to be a parent. Was I doing the right thing? Should I have acted sooner? Pushed harder for appointments and decisions? I doubted my ability as a teacher. I taught kids for a living and here my own children were struggling with their own learning environments. Did I really know how to teach? Should I have put in more time with homework? I was feeling extremely guilty. Maybe it was genetics that caused some of these problems. Maybe it was my own attitude and disposition that influenced the outcome of these areas. Maybe I chose wrong somewhere along the way. Maybe it was just me. Reassurance is what I needed. Reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
But reassurance was the one thing that I just couldn't find.
Ask any individual what they need more of and their answers might vary. Maybe they need money to keep up with bills. Maybe they need the newest Gucci bag that just came out. Maybe they need a vacation to get away from their everyday life. Maybe they need more sleep. Ask me and I need more self care. Care for my spirit, my body, and my mind. For several years I have been battling a crippling struggle with my health. It began with Lyme Disease and spiraled into joint pain, countless doctor visits and then lots of medications. Medications for joint pain, medications for anxiety due to health issues, medications for pain management. Medications that I just wanted to get away from and for a while, I was okay. Then this summer, everything fell apart; my body literally fell apart. In September I was diagnosed with precursors for an eye disease. September I learned I had a heart condition. January brought information of a lesion/small tumor on my kidneys. The same tests showed significant disc degeneration in my back, an enlarged liver, and reproductive issues. February I was diagnosed with a reproductive issue that requires a hysterectomy. But, my liver enzymes, kidney issues, and heart condition meant that I cannot safely undergo surgery. Plus my entire body was riddled with lymph nodes that were swollen; I was a walking compromised immune system. My body was literally falling apart in front of me. The medical bills were piling up and the solutions were few and far between.
I was broken. Literally and figuratively.
My greatest challenges were coming fast and furious and then less than a month after the latest battle, COVID-19 begins to hit its' peak. Hysteria in the media. Anxiety over watching and listening to the news. Warnings for those who are elderly and with weakened immune systems. Would the hits never stop coming? My doctors had just told me to be careful for all the aforementioned issues and here I was listening to how individuals were dying from COVID-19 because of their underlying health issues.
I was scared. Honestly, I still am.
But then schools closed. Social distancing was being reinforced and life got put on hold for us. Or at least for me and my kids. For my family. While my husband still has to work, we were left with a lot of time at home on our hands. For the first time in a long time, cancelled plans, messy beds, comfy clothes and enjoying the small joys in life were possible. This weekend was the first weekend without plans. My family played lots of board games, we caught up on cleaning and laundry, we had family movie nights every night, we read stories, and we spent time outside. We enjoyed the little things. It was really nice.
I am still scared. The parenting doubt hasn't gone away. My medical problems are still at the forefront of my mind. I worry about my students and what they are doing with this unexpected time off.
But, I am taking this as an answer to my greatest challenges. I was burnt-out. I was dreading work. I was filled with anxiety and fear over questions that I didn't have answers to. I was running on empty. But now, I can just take a step back. I can provide structure for my kids. I can get back to hobbies I haven't enjoyed in a while (like blogging). I can make a dent in my to-be-read list. I can tackle home projects and chores I neglected for far too long. I can just breathe.
I can live a simple life for a while. And it feels so nice.
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