- First, I started, and continue, to write this blog because it expresses my feelings at the moment. It's another way for me to get everything off my chest so I don't talk the ear off my family and friends about the same things a hundred times. I have feelings. I like to write. This works for me.
- Second, this blog isn't meant to "call anyone out". It's how I feel about people in general. It's what I believe and what's on my mind right now.
So, with that said, if you are easily offended or if you don't want to hear my opinions, stop reading now. This blog is what I believe to be true. Plain and simple.
There are two quotes that I live my life by. To me they explain everything. And I fully believe them to be true based on my past experiences. The first is, "Everything happens for a reason". And the second is, "People don't change". The latter of the two is what is really "bothering" me lately.
I firmly believe, and have seen my whole life, the fact that people don't change. If you're an addict, you are always an addict. If you are a cheater, you are always a cheater. If you're a selfish person, you are always going to be selfish. I have seen these personalities all my life and the story is always the same....
My father is an addict. He's been one for his whole life. It runs in his family. He started drinking at a young age. I remember him smashing his fist into walls in drunken rages went I was little. I remember seeing the empty beer cans hidden downstairs as a teenager when he was supposed to be sober. I remember having my husband search for him at all hours of the night because he was drunk and driving and no one knew where he was. He had an accident at work and started using painkillers. Always blaming the accident, he somehow found a doctor who would prescribe him meds whenever he wanted. There was never confirmed proof of it by my eyes, but I know he took to street drugs as well. He let one addiction become another and finally became someone who I no longer knew and someone who my children have no idea of. He let his addiction win. That's not why I don't talk to him... He's hurt me in ways that I'm not ready to forgive yet. And honestly, he makes me uncomfortable.
He's supposedly sober now. But I feel that even if he's sober, he still is and always will be an addict. It's part of who he is. It's part of his personality.
Now I am not saying that people who are addicts can't change their ways. It is possible to become fully sober. You can be a recovering alcoholic or drug addict or whatever. But, you will always be an addict. That temptation is always there. It's always going to be a part of you. And often, there is always a replacement for addiction. Maybe it's food or lotto tickets or cigarettes. But, either way, it's an addiction. Something to drown your troubles in and take the edge off. Just because you are a reformed whatever doesn't mean that you have changed. You are still that addict.
The same goes for people who are selfish. Just because you have a baby or get married or get out of high school doesn't mean that you are going to stop being selfish. You will always be selfish. Same goes for people who are cheaters. They just cheat in different ways. Or they sink back into the starting of their old habits and pull themselves out of it before it gets too far. And liars will always be liars. It's a coping mechanism. Even if it's a white lie, it's still a lie. And those people who are shitty parents/siblings/relatives/brothers/sisters/ect, will always be shitty parents. Just because you post an, "I'm so proud of my daughter" picture or "Keep this picture going if you love your father with all your heart" on Facebook doesn't mean that we are fooled. There are people out there who know the real you and who know what you do off of social media. You are still a shitty person despite the fact that posted a beautiful, touching quote or picture.
Plain and simple, people don't change. Your personality is still there. No one can change that no matter how hard they try. It's the reason why relationships based on, "Oh, he'll change once we get engaged," or "She'll be different once we have a baby," or "He just needs to get settled into his job and then he will be different" don't work. They are who they are and you need to accept them for their faults or get out.
Now, at the ripe old age of twenty-seven, I honestly feel like I know exactly what I want out of life and who I want to tolerate in my life. I have no use for high school drama that some people thrive on their entire lives. I have no want to play nice with people on social media (that is why my friends list is so short...I don't want to be friends on Facebook if we haven't talked in ten years or if we have "bad blood" between us). I love my family more than life itself. I would do anything for my children. I want to be a teacher someday. I want to have a career and be okay with my financial situation. I want to get over my stupid fear of driving so I can be an adult and be there for my kids. These are all goals that I work on each and every day. These are all things that I try live my life by.
Knowing what I want, and who I want, in life makes it unbelievably hard to "play nice". I have gotten to the point that I no longer want to be the "nice, goody-two-shoes". I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I'm not saying that I let people walk all over me, but I also let people take advantage of my niceness. And I honestly see no point in being a good person to those who treat me like crap. I just want to tell everyone how I feel and then be like, "To hell with you,". I can't be around people who bring me down or people who are self-absorbed or people who take advantage of the fact that I will do anything for them. I am literally sick of it. It's frustrating.
But, here's the thing. People don't change. I believe that about myself as well. I'm not just going to turn into a raging bitch who cuts everyone out of her life. I'm too nice. I will always be the girl who gives someone her last penny. I will always be the person who plays nice. I will always be the person to offer advice even if the person I'm giving advice to never, ever takes it. It's who I am. I have been this way since I was a little girl and I will continue to be this way until I am a ninety year old woman. But, this doesn't mean that I am always nice or always will be. I can call people out and tell them where to go every once in a while. But, deep down I am who I am. I am the "nice" girl.
And even though I have accepted the fact that people don't change and I don't change, it still bothers me so much. It makes me so sad and frustrated to see those I love not reciprocating in the same way. It feels like no matter how nice I am or how hard I try, there are certain people who will never return the favor. They will forever take advantage. They will always be selfish. They will always think that they are right and I am not. It's disheartening. I wish things were different. I wish I could just tell them off and then they would change and be equal in the relationship.
But none of that is going to happen. I can talk my head off time and time again (and I have) and nothing will change. Because people don't change.
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