Words that You Need to Hear...

A few months ago, I participated in a professional development workshop within my program. In the workshop, we discussed "Love Languages". Although originally outlined in terms of building a stronger relationship with a spouse or other one, the love languages refer to the ways in which an individual feels affirmed and/or secure in a relationship; essentially, how they want to be treated. While at the time, I thought the workshop was a little odd and, to be honest, a "waste of my time", it later had me thinking...

At work, what is the best way to make me feel appreciated? When I am at home with my loved ones, what makes me feel comforted and secure? When I am feeling down, what are the words that help lift me up or make me feel not so alone? What do I need to hear and feel as a person to reaffirm that I am on the "right track"?

It got me thinking...

Then shortly before (or maybe shortly after), I went to another workshop with my program. This workshop was about the Circle of Security. This workshop is for parents, guardians, caregivers, educators, and basically anyone who is around young children. It discussed the traumas that affect children's lives, how children react to situations, and how to help them through difficult moments through building trust and establishing secure relationships. While this was a LONG workshop, I found extreme value in it. But the moment that really made me think was when the presenter showed a cartoon of two people: one was feel really down and sitting by themselves and the other was a "friend" who came to sit beside them in the dark. Within the caption, the friend said, "When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark". This got me to thinking too...

What are the right words to say to someone when they are going through a difficult time? What would I want someone to say to me when I am stressed out or frustrated or feeling anxious? What would I want someone to do to comfort me in my darkest of times? Or when there are no clear solutions?

It got me thinking...

Around the same time, I also went to my first ever (and last) grief group. It was in May around the time of my brother's birthday and I was feeling especially sad and lost. It was also during a time of great depression and anxiety for me and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. My mom found the group and had been a few times, so I thought "why not?". While it was sad to hear the stories of loss and incredibly awkward because many of the people there were parents grieving the death of their children, it was powerful for one reason; a man named Alan Pederson came to speak that night. Alan is a world-renown speaker and member of the Compassionate Friends, as well as a musician and songwriter. He is also the father of a daughter who died at 18. Alan had a lot of powerful things to say, but the highlight of his speech came with how he spoke about what comes after a death; the words that people say to "console". He spoke about how people say, "He/She are with the Lord now", "They are in a better place", "He/she are no longer suffering", or "God gained another angel". Then he said, people in grief often DO NOT want to hear that; they want validation. They want people to know they are grieving, to know that they are sad and they cannot understand why the world moves on when they are hurting so much, they want to be acknowledged. Alan Pederson is right. Grief requires acknowledgement and not a band-aid or "move on" moment.

It got me thinking...

Between these three learning experiences, I thought a lot about all the things that people have said to me regarding my brother's death. All the things that I have said to others when their loved ones passed away. All the things that I wanted supervisors to say to me to make me feel like an appreciated employee. All the things that I could have said to my fellow coworkers to make them feel valued. All the things I have said and done with my family to make them feel loved and supported.

What was/is the right thing to say?

Then I realized that I already knew. In your times of great need or great stress or great sadness, you know exactly what you want from others. You know how you would like to feel valued and appreciated and supported and loved and secure. And I think some of the answers rely on these two workshops that I had gone to and some personal reflection...

Here are the 5 Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touching

Most of these are self-explanatory and each are personalized for individuals because we all require different sentiments or actions to feel secure and valued. My strongest languages were "words of affirmation" and "quality time". Which made complete sense to me and it got me thinking about how I would like people to approach situations and how I would speak or act with others in their time of need...

Here's what I came up with:

Affirmations at Work:

Any employee, regardless of where you are on the chain of command, wants to be acknowledged for the hard work they have done day in and day out. They want to feel valued for the time and dedication that they put into a project, a partnership, or with their daily tasks. It affirms that those who are guiding us are acknowledging the work we do and the time we spend. We want to feel like we are on the right track. Or at least that's how I assume most individuals operate; it's why companies give bonuses, yearly reviews, awards, and hold special dinners. They want their employees to feel valued and recognized.

Personally, I like "words of affirmation". I am a huge self-doubter and I am constantly questioning how I handle a situation or manage my classroom. I know deep down that I made the best decision in the moment and I constantly on my practices to become a better person. But, it's still nice to hear that I did a good job or that I handled a situation well or to hear a family say, "We appreciate your time and dedication".

I also want those around me to hear those things too. Because being a teacher is an incredibly tough job. The really good teachers, the dedicated teachers, often go home thinking about their students and continually change their strategies to reach all students academically and emotionally. They work long hours, often going in 15 to 20 minutes before the start of their shift and leaving several minutes after to get just a few more things done. They are sometimes hit and kicked and yelled at by students. They manage difficult family interactions. They fight for the well-being of children through joining PTAs, spirit committees, after-school enrichment programs, or fighting for policy change through attending meetings and making things happen. And most importantly, they do all this for measly pay and often without expecting recognition. It's often a thankless job, especially for us preschool teachers, but for many teachers, it's about the outcome. The smiles and laughs and academic strides. The emotional-well being and the progress and the diagnosis and the strides to make a better tomorrow.

But, it's still nice to be acknowledged and recognized and affirmed.

Affirmations about Personal Struggles:

This is a tough one. One that is very personal but still important. When experiencing a loss, whether recent or several months after a loved one is gone, individuals want their grief to be acknowledged. They want others to know that despite the fact that the funeral has been planned and done, despite the fact that all the sympathy cards have stopped, despite the fact that several weeks or months have passed (or maybe even years), despite the fact that people no longer ask "How are you holding up?", people are still constantly grieving. They are still feeling the loss of their loved one EVERY SINGLE DAY. They still cry and miss someone. They still randomly remember a moment in time and a single scent can bring you back. Individuals want to be acknowledged instead of brushed off. It's so easy to say, "They are in a better place and you can start to move on now" or "Don't cry. Time will heal all wounds". But that's not what someone is looking for; in fact, that often hurts more.

It's just as easy to say, "Wow. I didn't realize how much you are still hurting" or "Go ahead and cry and remember, I will be here" or "I don't know how you feel, but thank you for sharing" or "I can just be with you whenever you need". It's just as easy to listen to a story that you have heard a thousand times before, because in that moment, the individual grieving just wants to relive it again. It's just as easy to just let someone cry when they are sad or grieve when they need to. It's just as easy to be in the moment and so very appreciated.

Or perhaps, someone is struggling personally with anxiety or depression (or any other mental health issue)...

This is a hard one for people to understand, especially when they are not anxious or depressed themselves. When someone expresses their spiraling thoughts, or upsetting moods, or acknowledges how they are having a difficult time, people often react with "Just stop thinking about it" or "Let's do something to make you happy" or "Just be happy. Your life is great". Often, but not always, an individual can acknowledge that they have a great like and there are people who care whether they live to tomorrow. They comprehend the fact that they are lucky to have a job or food or clothes on their backs. But often, and especially in my case, it's incredibly hard to overcome anxiety and depression despite having amazing people and things in your life. The brain is a powerful entity; the thoughts and processes that occur there can greatly affect an individual's life and personal affect. The brain can be taught, and also untaught, how to psyche itself out and how to twist thoughts into a never-ending stream of worries and dread. It is so very hard to undo years and years of negative thoughts and simple "stop thinking" or "be happy".

Instead, when someone expresses their anxious or depressed state, think about what they might be going through and what can lift them up. Maybe someone is looking for companionship, but most of the time, people are looking for a sense of unburden; it is incredibly helpful to express your overwhelming thoughts. It is incredibly helpful to hear, "I can't imagine what that must be like, but I can sit with you when you need me to" or "What can I do to help?". Sometimes, the best anecdote is to send a random quote or affirmation or small token to someone who needs it most; I know that anxiety comes and goes or sometimes stays for days and sometimes, just knowing someone else can relate or is here, can make a world of difference. Just being in the moment with someone might be enough.

It got me thinking...

In life it's so easy to think about the could've/should've/might've been moments. It's so easy to get lost in personal thought and lose sight of what others truly might need from us. And it's often so hard to "walk a mile in someone else's shoes", but what happens if you think about the words that you need to hear.

Think about what you might want someone to say to you at work or how someone might offer assistance when you are struggling to get through the day. Think about the most helpful comments and actions that occurred after a deep loss. Think about your hardest days and strongest struggles and what pulled you out of those dark moments. Think about what you value in terms of words to build you up or actions to reaffirm that you are doing okay.

And use that knowledge to build up those around you. Because we can't change what people say or do to us; we cannot change their attitudes or reactions. But we can change how we act and speak towards others.