Meant to Be

Meant to Be

You and I were meant to be,

Faltered steps shifting into an uneasy friendship.

Laughs shared over new experiences,

Walks taken in the crisp air.

Promises made and broken,

New territories explored.

You and I were meant to be.

From the first kiss that struck like lightening,

To watching stars dance across the skies.

And taking midnight train rides to magical cities.

Saying "yes" as we revisited those first magical walks together,

Planning a new tomorrow.

You and I were meant to be.

Leaping into creating life,

And struggling to balance what was right for all thing new.

Suddenly, the questions were asked,

The stories were told.

The trust was forgotten as the past was revealed.

You and I were meant to be.

We tried so hard through the good times and bad,

But the moments that were so sweet turned into something else.

Differences were too great to bear,

And stolen moments weren't ours to share anymore.

But we weren't done just yet.

You and I were meant to be.

We shared more laughter and light,

We created more life and learned to be twice as happy.

But still the hateful words fell from your lips,

Still the judgments grew into mountains.

The emotional atmosphere no longer built worth.

And suddenly, you and I were meant to be,

But we did it all wrong.

Apologize...

"The best apology is changed behavior."

-Unknown 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about apologies. The reasons we give them. The reasons they are said to us. The language that is used to summarize them. The attitudes that surround them. The behavior for which they manifest and relay meaning. The way society expects them and believes they should be shared.

Apologies in today's society are either too few or over used. There are some people who should be apologizing for their behaviors, their words, their intentions. And there are still more who use apologies like drinking water; desperate for the taste on their tongue but without understanding where is comes from and how hard it is earned in some situations. Governments apologize...or don't. Celebrities apologize...or don't. Lovers apologize... or don't. Apologies are thrown around in the sincerest of ways, in the most casual of circumstances, or ignored completely.

Sometimes apologies are intended to smooth over a situation; they are done because they are expected and to divert further attention to an escalating situation. Sometimes apologies are given with the deepest of meanings and intentions because the giver is honestly regretful of their oversight; their ignorance to a situation because they simply did not understand. Sometimes apologies are spit out because they are an automatic response and a learned behavior. 

But mostly apologies are just language. Language wrapped in beautiful, summarized packages. Words said or written, dictated or whispered. 

While I love language...written, read, communicated... often language is not enough when it comes to apologies. Apologies are words. Beautiful, but often without meaning in situations. Because apologies should be accompanied by behavior.

Behavior that is more than beautiful flowers or hand written cards. Gifts or tokens. Behavior that is more than a kiss or a hug or a tissue given. More than make-sex or moments spent crying out the rest of the anguish. Behavior that lasts more than one hour, one day, one week, or even one month.

Although I do not know who owns the voice to the quote above, I believe it's simple language summarizes how apologies should follow. Apologies should accompany changed behavior.

Think about all the times an apology was needed. Maybe it was a situation where a child hurt another. Or it was a heated conversation between lovers where hurtful words were flung like ping pong balls on a tennis table. Or the looks and behaviors from a youth who taunted another who was unlike himself at a rally where there was supposed to be unity. Or even during moments where allegations came to light and reputations were put to shame; where actions hurt more than words ever could. Perhaps it was the time where a daughter disagreed with her mother and did what she wanted to anyway. Whether the situations were words said, intended actions, or passive conversations, there were harmful consequences and behaviors that were simply unacceptable.

In my preschool classroom, I never ask children to say, "I'm sorry". Instead they ask a peer and/or adult if they are okay, they ask how they can make it better, they perform a good act (i.e. get a tissue, provide a hug, apply an ice pack, clean up a mess), and then they have a discussion about how the situation could go differently. They learn how their words or behaviors can be changed in the future or what they can do differently.

As adults, shouldn't we do the same? Admitting when we are wrong and then engaging in the process of changing our behavior? Learning the simple act of treating others with kindness, educating ourselves in understanding what we do not know, changing our words and attitudes to reflect human decency? Changing our behaviors to match the words that are written and spoken during apologies. That is the key to a true apology. Changed behavior.

But if we must use words, which ones would you choose?

"I'm sorry".

"I was wrong".

"What I said was hurtful".

"How do I show you how much I regret what happened?"

"What can I do to make it better?".

"I did something that won't happen again."

"I didn't mean what I said or did".

"I apologize".

Which are the words that you would choose? An automatic response? A general statement that was forced out by guilt? A blanket of words that are said to halt an uncomfortable situation? Words spread so casually that they could refer to any set of words said or behaviors doled out? Written comments that shower the receiver in compliments? Words that are meant to pacify rather than clarify?

Or would they be words that express a wrong doing? A heartfelt response that was never uttered before? A statements that comes from deep inside intended to soothe wounds that shouldn't be there in the first place? A blanket of words that declare a clear intention to not only try to do better, but to never repeat what occurred? Words spread carefully with no room for interpretation? Written comments that show the depth of emotion felt for the receiver and the deepest of understandings of wrong doing? Words meant with the best of intentions and the honest of details?

Because choosing words for apologies matter. Even if they accompany changed behaviors. It's a relationship... words and behaviors have meaning and intention. 

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't".

-Louis C.K.

If My Bed Could Talk...

As part of a new foray into writing, to expand my horizons, I have decided to write more often. I also decided to write with more diversity. I found a writing prompt that simply said, "If your bed could talk, what would it say?". So I wrote a poem.

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

Would it talk about all the sleepless nights spent thinking spiraling thoughts that haunt me to the early morning hours?

Would it describe how gets sick it gets of seeing me on the dark days when I am tucked away hiding from the world?

Would it discuss all the early morning snuggles and late night giggles from little visitors?

Would it just squeak in imitation of the nights where love was found over and over?

Would it describe the moments I was too weak to get out of bed and cried because I was tired of being sick?

Would it wring out months and years of shed tears over loves lost, people missed and hard days fought?

Would it tremble with the weight of the world that slips off my shoulders as I sleep?

Would it tell tall tales of the moments I was too weak to admit the truth and too ignorant to accept it?

Would it ring my praises for thousands of loads of laundry done and still more conquered each day?

Would it whisper back the songs that soothed my soul and then shout out the lyrics to songs that caused early Saturday morning dance parties?

Would it recite my favorite books and speak of the hundreds of words read each night?

Would it tell my darkest secrets and would it keep my sweetest prayers?

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

I hope it would say, "Here lies an ordinary, but brave little soul. One who sleeps and lives and breaths. A girl who persists despite what she endures".

A Transition

2018 was the year that ripped everyone apart and gave gifts that many people did not want. It was the year that brought gun violence... Beginning with a car wash shooting in January in Pennsylvania where 4 people were killed and 1 was injured following through to countless other mass shootings which rounded out the year at a California bar in November where 12 were killed and 11 were injured. These numbers don't include the countless police shootings and violent crime shootings in urban and suburban counties and cities over petty theft, anger, and alt-right views.

It was the year that brought turbulent weather... Tropical storms, hurricanes, and tornados raged across the U.S. bringing billions of dollars in destruction to the Carolinas, Panama City in Florida, and my hometown of Hamden, CT. The California wildfires that raged across the area ruined countless homes, left destruction in its' path, and left numerous people dead and injured, while volcanic eruptions tore through Hawaii leaving many homeless and force to flee the areas they loved.

It was the year of movements... The words #metoo were splashed across social media, news outlets, and arrived in homes across the U.S. Countless women, and some men, came forward to talk about years of sexual assault and Hollywood took the hardest hit; many influential actors, news anchors, and prominent figures were put in the spotlight to talk about past indiscretions and defend themselves publicly. Political movements got ugly and heated as well with the 2018 election that saw a torrent of new policies, territory lost for Republicans, and what some called a "rainbow wave" of new figureheads; minorities, transgender individuals, and women alike took to office for the first time and caused an "uproar" for some or huge breath of triumph for others. Meanwhile, the rest of the country took argumentative stances over the Kavanaugh trail which tied both the political and #metoo movements together.

And these are just the "main" stories of 2018. The rest of the world fell apart too... Natural disasters, political riots and fighting, and territory wars struck all over the world just as much as they hit the U.S. Immigration became a subject of contempt for some and wholehearted passion for others. Alliances were forged and lost. Wars were considered and airstrikes were made.

Add all of these headlines, world news, and real situations to personal strife and 2018 was the year that many wanted to see gone. People became afraid of turning on their tvs, stopped wanting to send their children to school, and felt bereft in a world where nothing seemed to go right. Many began to wish for a New Year and a new chance.

Although these news stories ripped at my heart and I was terrified of sending my children to school some days, I found a way to become more. 2017 was a year of deep loss, profound self ignorance and experiences that tested my strength of character. I wanted 2018 to be the year I embraced self-care, the year I recognized that both mental and physical well-being are important and the year I stood up to injustices... I wanted to be Brave. Sometimes I was and sometimes I was not.

I stopped going to school even though I was just 5 classes away from completing my Masters Degree. I realized that I was a perfectionist in all that I did, which can be great, but it can also lead to hysterics if I got a grade less than an A, it could lead to countless sleepless nights, building anxiety and frustration, and the need to complete a degree in an unreasonable amount of time. Taking a step back from school made me take more time for myself, more time for my children, and more time to really realize what I want to do in life. As I move onto 2019, I will be looking into a pursuing a degree in Special Education. I have learned a lot through my job this year and feel like this is the move that will help me grow as an individual and as an educator.

I started therapy this past year as well. I realized that it wasn't normal to agonize over going to work the next day to the point where it made me feel physically ill. I realized that it wasn't okay to want to sleep and "check-out" of the world for hours on end. I realized that grief took a larger toll on me than I thought possible. I realized that life was about balances and I had been out of balance for a long time. Although I had mixed feelings about therapy, and especially my therapist, I did learn the importance of self-care; how it's important not to be everything to everyone. I realized that life is more about enjoying yourself and being honest with those around you; setting boundaries, even with loved ones, is a key part of succeeding in this task. I also realized that it's okay to say "no"; "no" to a position you don't want, "no" to hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself, "no" to social situations that don't provide any enrichment or benefit to your well-being, "no" to dropping everything to help others. Because of these lessons, I learned how much I love to write, how part of my self-care is to express myself through words, how I can use my passion for life and equal passion for reading to help myself and perhaps help others. As I move onto 2019, I will be starting to blog more, creatively and artistically, and I will be beginning a new special project where I can truly be myself while writing.

I started to listen more in 2018 too. I listened to my gut; I thought about what truly made me happy, as well as what made me unhappy. I listened to the news; I tried to educate myself more about politics (local and otherwise) so I could take an educated stance and help my children understand their ever-evolving world. I listened to the words (written and spoken) of others; I learned how one person's father started a spark that led his children to lead incredible lives and spread passion to others. I listened to another writer and beautiful soul speak about the anguish of depression and anxiety alongside the joys of life and friendship. I listened to the silence of those around me; I learned to navigate through the silence that was meaningful. Sometimes the silence of others is significant in the fact that they need help, while sometimes that silence is the indication that they were just a passing ship in your waters. I listened to love and hate and kindness and silence and education and resilience and everything in-between and it taught me so much. As I move onto 2019, I will be using these newfound listening skills to focus on kindness for others. 

Although 2018 brought a lot of fear, hate, and doubt, it taught me that there is always more than the pressing issues. While it's important to be passionate and educated and fight for what we believe in, what we often overlook is the importance of true kindness. 

There is an author who I adore... she is a gifted writer who bares her soul in every single one of her books and writes words that are both dark and inspiring. As a person, she is passionate and honest, which I admire so much. She talks about anxiety and depression living alongside the daily joys of her life with her kids, her friendships, her relationship, and her artistic lifestyle. I follow her on Facebook, Instagram, through her blog, and landed in her Facebook "fan page" called Tarryn Fisher's Passionate Little Nutcases.

On this page her devote followers, along with Tarryn herself, discuss her books, writing, and so much more. Tarryn is all about empowerment for women and each other. Each year, all year long, fellow Passionate Little Nutcases (PLNs) reach out to one another seeking support; through kind words, acts of selflessness, and through Tuesdays with Tarryn (life advice from Tarryn). They also pack backpacks at the start of each school year for those in need, "adopt a child" to sponsor them for Christmas, and randomly donate gifts and books for one another when they need it the most. Every year they/we decide on a color for New Years as a way to be united. This year our color was black (like our souls 😉). And we also wore a red thread to connect us together (a line/ideal from one of Tarryn's books, Mud Vein). But, Tarryn took it one step further. She asked us to be united in 2019. Here is what she wrote:

"Let’s have our New Years resolutions be an inward thing. To be friends to lonely people. To learn to like yourself and criticize yourself less. To stop ourselves from thinking mean things about other people and seeing them through a lens of compassion and understanding. Almost ten thousand strong, we have the number and power to make a difference in this world. Love starts here. Colleen (Hoover) always compares the PLNs to Robin Hood. So let’s steal back our self worth from the Society that took it, and help other women see theirs. Let 2019 be the year of acceptance and grace; for yourself and others. Love thy flaws. Do good to those who don’t necessarily deserve it. Use your gifts to serve and heal. This world needs our help."

This is what 2019 will be about for me and all the other wonderful PLNs. Let's be kind.

In this quest, I am not choosing to follow the path of others who are much different than my own; others who bring me down mentally or cause hurt to people for no reason. Also, in the past I was not unkind to others; I never intentionally hurt someone physically or mentally and I never showed indifference to others who needed more. Instead, this year, I want to do exactly what Tarryn asks; I want to smile at people more (random people on the street so they can pass on a smile too), I want to consider compassion and understanding for people who don't show the same to me, I want to dwell less on others flaws and learn to move on despite them. I want to be more kind. 

2018 was the year I was kind to myself (or at least learned how to be more kind to myself) and 2019 will be the year where I show more compassion to others. Let's forget about the whole "New Year, New Me". Let's instead learn to love ourselves and others more. Let's become more passionate about life, adventures, inner growth, and understanding. Let 2019 become the year where the good outweighs the bad. Where love grows instead of hate. Where kindness is more important than hurt.

Welcome 2019 and Happy New Year!

Want to be inspired more:

• Check out the PLNs by clicking the link above or visit Tarryn Fisher's website
• Follow this app on Instagram