Apologize...

"The best apology is changed behavior."

-Unknown 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about apologies. The reasons we give them. The reasons they are said to us. The language that is used to summarize them. The attitudes that surround them. The behavior for which they manifest and relay meaning. The way society expects them and believes they should be shared.

Apologies in today's society are either too few or over used. There are some people who should be apologizing for their behaviors, their words, their intentions. And there are still more who use apologies like drinking water; desperate for the taste on their tongue but without understanding where is comes from and how hard it is earned in some situations. Governments apologize...or don't. Celebrities apologize...or don't. Lovers apologize... or don't. Apologies are thrown around in the sincerest of ways, in the most casual of circumstances, or ignored completely.

Sometimes apologies are intended to smooth over a situation; they are done because they are expected and to divert further attention to an escalating situation. Sometimes apologies are given with the deepest of meanings and intentions because the giver is honestly regretful of their oversight; their ignorance to a situation because they simply did not understand. Sometimes apologies are spit out because they are an automatic response and a learned behavior. 

But mostly apologies are just language. Language wrapped in beautiful, summarized packages. Words said or written, dictated or whispered. 

While I love language...written, read, communicated... often language is not enough when it comes to apologies. Apologies are words. Beautiful, but often without meaning in situations. Because apologies should be accompanied by behavior.

Behavior that is more than beautiful flowers or hand written cards. Gifts or tokens. Behavior that is more than a kiss or a hug or a tissue given. More than make-sex or moments spent crying out the rest of the anguish. Behavior that lasts more than one hour, one day, one week, or even one month.

Although I do not know who owns the voice to the quote above, I believe it's simple language summarizes how apologies should follow. Apologies should accompany changed behavior.

Think about all the times an apology was needed. Maybe it was a situation where a child hurt another. Or it was a heated conversation between lovers where hurtful words were flung like ping pong balls on a tennis table. Or the looks and behaviors from a youth who taunted another who was unlike himself at a rally where there was supposed to be unity. Or even during moments where allegations came to light and reputations were put to shame; where actions hurt more than words ever could. Perhaps it was the time where a daughter disagreed with her mother and did what she wanted to anyway. Whether the situations were words said, intended actions, or passive conversations, there were harmful consequences and behaviors that were simply unacceptable.

In my preschool classroom, I never ask children to say, "I'm sorry". Instead they ask a peer and/or adult if they are okay, they ask how they can make it better, they perform a good act (i.e. get a tissue, provide a hug, apply an ice pack, clean up a mess), and then they have a discussion about how the situation could go differently. They learn how their words or behaviors can be changed in the future or what they can do differently.

As adults, shouldn't we do the same? Admitting when we are wrong and then engaging in the process of changing our behavior? Learning the simple act of treating others with kindness, educating ourselves in understanding what we do not know, changing our words and attitudes to reflect human decency? Changing our behaviors to match the words that are written and spoken during apologies. That is the key to a true apology. Changed behavior.

But if we must use words, which ones would you choose?

"I'm sorry".

"I was wrong".

"What I said was hurtful".

"How do I show you how much I regret what happened?"

"What can I do to make it better?".

"I did something that won't happen again."

"I didn't mean what I said or did".

"I apologize".

Which are the words that you would choose? An automatic response? A general statement that was forced out by guilt? A blanket of words that are said to halt an uncomfortable situation? Words spread so casually that they could refer to any set of words said or behaviors doled out? Written comments that shower the receiver in compliments? Words that are meant to pacify rather than clarify?

Or would they be words that express a wrong doing? A heartfelt response that was never uttered before? A statements that comes from deep inside intended to soothe wounds that shouldn't be there in the first place? A blanket of words that declare a clear intention to not only try to do better, but to never repeat what occurred? Words spread carefully with no room for interpretation? Written comments that show the depth of emotion felt for the receiver and the deepest of understandings of wrong doing? Words meant with the best of intentions and the honest of details?

Because choosing words for apologies matter. Even if they accompany changed behaviors. It's a relationship... words and behaviors have meaning and intention. 

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't".

-Louis C.K.