Dear Jenifer

Write the Words You Need to Hear:

Dear Jenifer,
As I sit here and listen to "Nobody Knows" by the Lumineers, I am struck by the closing lyrics:

"Nobody knows how the story ends. Live the day doing what you can. This is only where it began. Nobody knows how the story ends. Nobody knows how the story ends."

This is one of my favorite songs and one of my favorite bands. I have sung these lyrics out loud and inside my head so many times before. But today, I cannot get those last words from repeating over and over in my mind.

Nobody knows how the story ends. 

Here you are on Day Seven of Mindfulness. You have taken the time every day to express how you truly feel living with anxiety and depression. You have written about the ways in which you can take time for yourself; to lessen the anxiety, to halt the obsessive thoughts, and to remind yourself of all the good you get to experience. You didn't do this for attention or for blog views or to even to force views of anxiety and depression on others. You did this for you. This week was a good week. But, not every week is a good one. Who knew that this is where your story would lead you.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

There are so many moments that you experienced growing up and I can tell you about all the moments where you could have faced your anxiety. In elementary school, you could have worn that dress with the frilly edges, the one that had a matching top and shorts in a pretty silk material; it was beautiful and it didn't matter what anyone would say when they saw you wearing it. But instead, you cried at home, in the car all the way to school, and made yourself so sick that your mom had no choice but to take you home and to change your clothes. In middle school, you didn't have to hide your emotions for so long about the boy who was inappropriate on the bus; you didn't have to feel shameful or obsess over what everyone was going to think of you. You could have told sooner. In high school, your cheeks didn't have to turn red when someone "confronted" you about wearing sandals from Walmart; you didn't have to lie about it. You could have just said, "Yes" and walked away. In college, you could have stayed longer and ventured out of your room more often; you didn't have to cry in your dorm room and feel so "lost". When you got older, you didn't have to let your anxiety prevent you from making new friends, from becoming a teacher sooner, from setting boundaries.

Live the day doing what you can.

But, all those moments did happen. You, we, survived them by "doing what you can". Each moment of anxiety and depression and indecision has led you to the person who you are today. You have made friends with the kindest, most gentle-hearted human beings who have supported you through all life's ups and downs; who have proved that you don't have to face anything alone. You made it through six years of college; you have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and are four classes away from a Masters degree. You have your dream job, despite the fact that you took a different direction to get there; everyday you teach children to be kinder people, some of them who see you as their only source of stability. You have two beautiful children who make you laugh until you cry, who put all their effort into school and developing their personalities, who make your life fuller and brighter. You have experienced a love that takes your breathe away, causes lighting to strike, and makes you realize the importance of effort. You did all of that and so much more.

Live the day doing what you can.

Each day you wake up trying to be a better person; proving how strong you truly can be. You have taken all the steps required to become smarter, be more passionate, and more self-aware. You have learned to set boundaries and have become more firm on saying, "no". You have proven to be a leader instead of being complacent. You have found creative outlets that allow you to write what you feel and show how much talent you possess. You have learned to "inhale" and "exhale" and that "everything happens for a reason". You have survived great loss; one that still takes you by surprise at times. You have overcome so much.

This is only where it began. 

There are so many things I would write to your younger self. I could write about boyfriends who would hurt you, or about how you should have chosen the local community college instead of the $40,000 college where you were miserable, or how you should've been wiser about spending your money. But, instead I would tell your younger self about honesty; living with it, feeling it, and understanding how honesty can lead to healing. I would tell your younger self about relationships; about distinguishing the real ones from the fake, about solidifying them by answering more phone calls, about understanding the effort required for making and keeping them. I would tell your younger self about expression; the importance of using expression to speak up for those who cannot, being mindful of how words and expressions are two very different things, about using expression to influence those around you in positive ways. I would tell your younger self about bravery; that there are all sorts of heroes and ways to be brave, that sometimes you are the brave one, and sometimes it's okay to let others be brave for you. I would tell your younger self everything that I am telling my current self.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

Right now, your new journey is mindfulness. You started this week with good intentions and you are finishing it in the same way; with the best of intentions. To make yourself know your own worth. To lift yourself up after a really tough time. To acknowledge the good that exists alongside the overwhelming. To remind yourself to be careful of your thoughts. To live in the moment. To focus on self-care. To practice mindfulness every single day.

You don't know how the story ends. But up until this point, you did a great job of being true to who you are as a person. You completed Seven Days of Mindfulness. And possibly helped others along the way.

Write the words you need to hear.

Well, Jenifer. You just did. For the past seven days.

Love always,
You