Guilt

Every night before I go to bed I wish for just about the same things. I'm not a religious person. I wasn't raised that way. I have gone to church before. I used to attend church youth groups with various friends. But I was never raised with a confirmed religion. Think of that what you may. But just because I don't follow specific passages in a book doesn't make me a heathen. And it certainly doesn't prevent me from asking whoever it is out there for a few favors each night before I lay my head down on the pillow.

I try to keep it simple. I make a wish that everyone I know and love is healthy, safe, and relatively happy. Especially my daughter Amelia Rose because I love her more than words on a page or words spoken aloud can express. I ask for myself to be watched over as well. Sometimes I modify what I have to "ask" for based on a situation... Like watch over my grandfather because he is going into surgery today. Or please make sure my brother's pain goes away from his latest sore. It all depends on what was brought to my attention that day.

But truthfully, it's almost the same routine every night. I don't know who is listening. But I like to think there is someone watching over me and those I hold dear to my heart.

And then there are those "desperate" times. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Something simple like, "If you cancel school today, then I will study extra hard during that time." Or something vastly complex like, "Please make my sister/brother/mother/best friend get through this terrible thing and I will never swear again. I will live my life with vigor. I will be a nice person."

I do this too. Like when my brother went to the hospital on Christmas Day. All I did was think, "Please, please, please don't let this be the last time I talk to him. He deserves to have such a good life. There are so many experiences he still needs. Please I want more time. I won't fight with him again." Or the time Amelia fell out of the shopping cart and ended up in the ER I thought, "Please don't let my stupid, first time parent mistake cost me more than what I am. She is so young. I will NEVER EVER do that again. Just let her be okay." I don't know who I am asking for help, but I do this a lot too.

These thoughts may seem harmless. Perhaps you are reading this and think, "Oh I do that myself too." "I know who I pray too." "Yup, sounds familiar."

When I make these thoughts/wishes/pleas for help, I feel incredibly guilty.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends and want the best for them. I truly do. I would literally give my life for my daughter. But what right do I have to ask to keep myself well, or for school to be cancelled, or for my husband to not ask me to drive because I'm scared? There are so many people out there who are much more deserving of wishes and thoughts and prayers like this. People who have so much less than I do. And here I am taking up time that could be spent "listening to someone else".

I feel guilty. So guilty.

There are people out there who don't have enough food to fill their bellies and I wish that I didn't have to cook dinner for the uncles every night. There are people who don't have a blanket over their bodies as they sleep or a roof over their head to shield them from a winter storm (I literally saw people living in tents on my recent train trip) and I wish for a place of my own. There are people who don't have jobs due to the economy and are struggling to support their families and I wish for a job that's something more than a cashier when other people would leap at the chance (don't get me wrong, I would TOTALLY accept a cashier job, but it's not my "ideal job"). There are people who have never taken a vacation in their life and I wish for the year to speed up so I can go to Disney that much faster.

So guilty. And so selfish of me.

There are so many people out their with problems so much greater than the ones I face. And all I can think of is myself.

I know it's not wrong to wish the best for your family. In fact, tonight when I go to sleep, I will make all the same wishes again. But, I still feel wrong for asking for all the day-to-day problems to go away. Because I am lucky...even if I don't see it that way all the time.

I have a loving husband. One who drives me crazy. Who doesn't always see eye to eye with me. But, he's there for me no matter what I do. He tolerates all my (hopefully) good and bad qualities. I have a beautiful daughter. One who never ceases to amaze me. Who I say is a little devil but really she is the most well-behaved child I have met in my entire life. And she's so smart too! I have parents (my mom and stepfather) who I fight with on occasion. But who are there for me whenever I need help, whether it be with school, my daughter, or anything in between. I have a sister who is my best friend. I have a brother who is my hero. I have in-laws who accepted me and who I love. I have close family. I have THE BEST friends anyone can ask for. The kind of friends who can be miles apart and are still incredibly close to my heart. Friends who I know will be there through thick and thin. I'm in school. I have a roof over my head. Food in the fridge. I'm lucky.

And yet I still wish for what I don't have. I guess it's the "human nature" in me...the one that's mostly self-absorbed. The one where the "grass is always greener on the other side". How when you were little and you have stick straight hair and all you wanted was curls. Or how you were incredibly tall and awkward and you wanted nothing more than to be shorter and average. I guess I never out grew that. I want my own place. I want my college degree. I want it all. I wish for it all.

But, maybe I should just sit back once in a while and remember what I have. I know I should cherish all this. It could be gone in a second. What I have other people wish for (maybe?). I need to give into my guilt and just remember how lucky I am.

And maybe you should too. Don't stop asking, but maybe tonight include someone else in on your wishes, prayers, ect... Because you are lucky too. Even if you don't see it.

"I am so glad this year is over..."

"I am so glad this year is over...it's been so rough."

 "I'm so glad this year is over...it's full of nothing but loss."

"I'm so glad this year is over...it was too busy for me."

 "I'm so glad this year is over...I am looking forward to (insert some thrilling activity here)."

I am sure thousands, no millions of people have uttered these words at the end of December/beginning of January at least once in their life. In fact, the sentences above have probably provoked some thought in your head. Something along the lines of "Yeah. She's so right. I can't wait for 2012. It's gonna be a much better year." I am sure I have spoken the above phrases at least once in my life out of shear naivety... Well, I look at life through much clearer eyes now. Because this year was a rough one but I am not glad that it's over. In fact, I'm more sad than anything.

This year was full of so much. So much work. So much loss. So much uncertainty.

I have experienced loss to the extreme this year. My husband's grandmother and great aunt passed away...within a month of each other. Around that time my sister lost her father-in-law, someone who she barely got to know, but someone who has such a PROFOUND impact on not only my sister, but everyone who surrounded him. Another death has touched my sister's in-laws as the year comes to a close. Each person lost is cause for a round of fresh tears. A round of heartache. A round of thinking, "Where do I go from here?" It's incredibly tough.

Sure, Grandma and Aunt Dorothy were older but we lost both of them so suddenly. They were kind...if not a little senile (Aunt Dorothy thought she needed a bat trap for goodness sakes) and their tv was always too loud (we could hear it getting on the elevator of the main floor...they lived on the third floor). Aunt Dorothy was constantly telling someone that they were getting heavier... But, those stories are what make us laugh today. We remember how generous they were. How much love they showed to each and every one of us, biologically related or not. How close they were...just two sister living together. Perhaps they passed within a month of each other because they knew that one could not be without the other. They wanted to be together...even after this life.

Losing them sucked. The wake/funeral were almost unbearable. I could see the hurt in my husband's eyes even though he never shed a tear. I saw the tears rolling down my mother-in-law's eyes from the moment she walked into the funeral home until the burial was over. I still see those tears and hear the ache in her voice when she talks about heading to their place to clean some things out. It was torture to watch Amelia walk up to each of their caskets during the viewing and hear her ask why couldn't GG and Aunt Dor-Dor play with her. Those days were hard. And the days that follow them aren't any easier...

Losing them made me think of the loss in my life...well, one loss in particular. I lost my grandmother in 2006 and it hurts like hell everyday. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her. She was one of the few family members that I had as a constant in my life growing up (even though both my mother and father have countless brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews). She was so much fun. I remember spending summers there as a kid with my sister and once, with my whole family. I remember how she stocked her fridge FULL of Sunny D because she remembered how much my sister and I loved them when we were little. I remember sitting at her kitchen table playing Rummy and her saying she was "the low man in the toilet bowl". I remember doing all our shopping on Thursday with Aunt Peggy...Second Hand Rose, the grocery store, K-Mart. I remember when we saw someone with a rainbow colored mohawk and she jumped about a foot and said, "Jesus Christ! Why would anyone do that to their hair?!" I remember when she sent me a label maker for my birthday...she always sent/gave the strangest gifts.

But what I remember the most was her and my grandfather coming to my mom's house for the holidays. She would always bring brownies because she knew I loved them. She would bring deviled eggs too but she wouldn't add the paprika until she got to the house because she knew I liked to put that on...even though one year I added cyan pepper by accident. I remember going to craft fairs with her. And how she would always coax my grandfather into playing Rummy with everyone or how she would convince him to watch a movie with the whole family. I remember her scent...sometimes I catch a whiff of it while I'm out walking around the mall or the grocery store and the concentration of it hits me so hard it knocks me breathless. I miss her so much these days because I want to tell her everything. I want her to meet my daughter because I know she would be so in love with her and Amelia would love how crazy she is too...

Loss is tough and it never fades...that feeling of wanting that person to hug you or wanting to talk to them on the telephone. A song. A scent. A line in a movie. It crushes you and the memories come flowing back. Loss sucks....

But it's no reason to be glad that the year is over... Loss makes us realize so many things. We realize how strong we are. Or how weak we've become. We see if we can stand on our own two feet without those who are no longer here to support us. And if we cannot stand, we learn how. We find out who our true friends are. And unfortunately, who our true family is too. We realize that life moves on. The days pass. The world doesn't stop for our loss. We are forced to deal with what comes. We pack up what was left of their lives...keep some of it, donate it, sell it off... We pick up the leftover pieces...sometimes quickly...and sometimes in a cycle that never ends. We remember every morning we wake up. And we remember every night before we fall asleep.

But, we will never forget what happened throughout the year... Each memory is now etched into our minds and we will never forget those precious people or the events that happened around our losses. For this we should be grateful....those people are no longer hurting. They are watching over us. We have realized how strong we have become. Or how strong we need to become. We know who we can turn to when the world looks dark and grey. We know who will be there to catch us if we fall...not replacing our lost loved ones, but merely holding out an extended hand to let you know they care. For that, this year shouldn't be wished away. We should remember those horrible days. But also the good ones...the ones before the loss, the days that came after...the days we learned who we are and who we have to become for those who are still living. We are still alive (and hopefully healthy) and for that, this was a good year.

Another reason to be happy for this year and not be "so glad" it's over...new relationships or the promise of restored ones...

I just "rambled" about my grandmother whom I love dearly. She passed away in 2006. And my grandfather has recently become attached to a new woman in his life. This is the first and only person he has met since my grandmother. I recently met her and she seems nice enough. My grandfather now smiles. For so long after my grandmother passed, I didn't see him smile...I honestly thought he was going to die of a broken heart. Him and my grandmother were each other's perfect match. They were compliments to one another. And finally he is smiling. He has found someone to take care of him. She's not my grandmother. She won't ever be. But, she loves him. She wants to love us too. She goes with him to his doctor's visits. She takes care of him if he's sick (he's had some recent operations). She drives so many miles a day to be at work, to visit him, and to be with her daughter. She is not my grandmother but she makes my grandfather happy. And to me, that's all she needs to do.

It's new relationships like this that have formed this year that give me hope. I know someone is there to be with my grandfather. I realize that even though things are very different and she will never be the lady who buys me Sunny D and takes me to craft shows, but her and my grandfather have showed me that it's possible to eventually try to "move on". Never forgetting but accepting what has come to pass and preparing for the future. Relationships such as these are what make 2011 bearable and 2012 more hopeful.

Even restored relationships make 2011 a year that shouldn't be wished away...

On Christmas eve, I will see my father. My father who used to be the center of my whole world. My father who used to be the "good guy"...the one I would turn to to ask if I could do something when my mother said no because I knew 9 times out of 10 he would say yes. My father who I used know inside and out. My father who I haven't seen in months. My father who is now a complete and total stranger...

There is too much background information to fit into this already too long blog, but my father became a person who could not be trusted. A man who turned his back on his family for something that only gave him a short moment of happiness. A man who I don't even know if I can trust. A man who my daughter doesn't even know exists because she's only seen him twice...she doesn't even know she has "another" grandfather and that breaks my heart on so many levels.

I don't know what will happen when I see my father again but by walking through that door I know that I have changed. I am a much better and bigger person than who I thought I was. I'd honestly given up on him. I used to avoid his phone calls. I used cringe at the sight of him. But on Thanksgiving I actually spoke to him. On Christmas eve I will sit down to dinner with him and Amelia will see some part of who he is. I don't know how the evening will go. But I do know that this year changed me. It made me realize that I'm stronger than I thought I was. It made me realize, yet again, that life is too short to hold grudges. I can be civilized and try to build a relationship with a man I barely know... Who knows what kind of relationship that will be. But, I'm going to try. And for that I am grateful because I will be there will my family and 2011 has given me courage to tackle relationships that I otherwise wouldn't even dream about coming to pass.

Nope. I won't say, "I am so glad this year is over..." I refuse. Because I am still alive. My family and my friends are relatively happy, healthy, and safe. I have changed in a good way. I remember those who I have lost. I am trying to move on. If it weren't for 2011, I wouldn't be who I am today.

So remember, before you utter those simple words, think about who you are. How you got here today. And how one more year has passed you by. One more year that you cannot get back. Know that life is precious and the days may seem to drag by, but the years fly...

Yours, the one and only rambler,
Jen