Self-Care

"Fall in love with taking care of yourself"

Perfection. Such a simple word with a heady presence. Perfection in today's society can be viewed from a variety of different ways. Women are seen to be perfect when they have flawless bodies; smooth skin, an hour glass figure, a full pout, luxurious, hair that is flowing down her shoulders, a sexy laugh. Men are perfect when they provide for their families, have full six-pack abs, sharp jaw lines, and relaxed smiles. Families are perceived to be perfect when they have exactly 2.5 children, a white picket fence, parents who are married, work white-collar jobs that provide for one family vacation per year, and send out picture-perfect Christmas cards. But who decides these definitions? Who tells us to be perfect? When do we get forced into lifestyles that match up with the Joneses next door?

Perfection is a societal ideal that is forced upon each and everyone of us from a young age. We have parents who failed at the ideal and jolt us into lifestyles that they missed out on. Magazines show us pictures of who we should be and how we should act and talk to get there. And entertainment perpetuates lyrics and dialogues that show unrealistic expectations of what our careers, personalities, and bodies should look like. Perfection is truly an illusion.

But, somewhere along the line I fell for it...hook, line and sinker.

In school, I had to be the best I can be. An an undergraduate I took two courses at a time to finish my degree by a deadline set forth by my work place. I worked late nights (and early mornings) reading and writing extensive papers. I went above participation requirements and I cried when my grades were less than an A-. And do you know what people said when I earned my high grades, my President's list standing, and my degree in less than two years? They gave me the highest praise. They said, "Wow! I want to be like you when I grow up" or "I don't know how you do it! You are super woman" or "Jen, you are always so perfect and good at the school thing". And while their intentions meant well, it reinforced this perfection ideal. I felt the need to continue to be the BEST ME I COULD BE! And I killed myself for it.

I was perpetually exhausted. I was on edge trying to complete assignments. I cried when I was one minute late handing a paper into a professor. I literally found it impossible to relax when I had no school work due; I was antsy and I struggled to find purpose with "free time". I was slowly burning myself raw; mentally and emotionally I was exhausted to live up to the ideal of a perfect student.

But, I sought perfection in all aspects of my life. As a mom, I had to fill my children's days with countless activities; after dinner I made sure to coach my daughter on all her assignments and did further research just so I could teach it like they do at school. I planned game nights and weekend excursions and taught my son even though he wasn't in school. I pushed myself to be super mom. I know much of these are "normal" aspects of being a mom, but I honestly took it to the extreme. As a wife, I had a strict cleaning schedule to the point that I was frantic if people came over; I would clean tables that had hardly any crumbs, I would vacuum floors that had been cleaned the day before, and I would change tablecloths that were fresh. I planned family meals perfectly and rotated them so we weren't eating the same foods each week.

Again, I was constantly pushing myself to fulfill this unrealistic expectation of being a perfect mom, of being a perfect wife, of being a perfect person. I lived in a constant state of scheduled actions and planned experiences so everyone would never want for anything. These ideals were placed in my head, not by my husband or my family or society to the fullest extent, I perpetuated them myself. I somehow got this idea in my head that perfection was the only state to achieve and I had to push myself until everything fit to this mold that I created.

Until I pushed myself too far. Until I reached the point where I could barely get together with friends. Until I reached the point where I took whole semesters off from school because I couldn't concentrate on the words on a screen. Until I reached the point where I came home from work and sat on the couch and barely did anything else. Until I reached the point where I was either sad or anxious or uncomfortable because I wasn't able to achieve my ideals of "perfection". Until I reached the point where I questioned who I had become.

Although I always had these ideals, it was this past year where I pushed myself the hardest to mask the feelings that I didn't want anyone else to see. Which is a discussion for another time....

But I had finally reached this point where I was tired of the scheduling, where I was exhausted from being "on" all the time, and where I just wanted to "find myself", as cliche as that might sound.

"Be purposeful and unapologetic about refueling your oil. You light cannot shine if your lamp is empty."

So, I did some research and I began therapy. I wanted desperately to make this sense of perfection fade away and to escape the overwhelming emotions that I felt all the time. And the first thing I learned was the importance of self-care.

Self-care is a concept that I clearly forgot about in my quest for perfection. I was so busy taking care of other people and trying to fit this ideal mold of who I should be, that I forgot how important it was to take care of myself. I forgot that I cannot help my children, I cannot teach my students, I cannot manage a household, and I cannot be a friend if I cannot learn to value the importance of myself. I had to remind myself that I am also a valuable aspect of my life and I deserve to be taken care of.

My journey to self-care was a difficult one though. How do I become different than this image I spent so long building? How do I get beyond the guilt I feel for taking time to take care of myself? How do I get beyond multi-tasking and take time to just breathe? 

The answer is, I am still struggling with this task. I am still finding my own acceptance of realizing taking time for me is okay. I am beginning small though. 

I started with just taking the time to paint my nails each week with no distractions. Then I added on doing a face mask for 5 to 10 minutes in the shower uninterrupted. Then I made a plan. I am not sure how often I am going to hold myself accountable to this plan, but I do know that I am going to try. Because I realize how important it is for me to refuel. To take time to become a more focused me by recharging my batteries for 10 minutes each day (or more if I can). Because I cannot be perfect. No one can. No one should strive for that.

What I can strive for is to find balance. A balance between the roles that I value and a balance between caring for myself without overwhelming guilt.

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." - Jack Kornfield

2018: Heal

Many people make New Year's Resolutions each year. They promise to be skinnier, to be smarter, to be nicer. They put so much stock into a New Year saying it will bring new joys, new luck, or new opportunities. But within weeks or months those resolutions are broken. They are made with the best of intentions, but forgotten with the daily ins and outs of life. These broken resolutions are not broken by everyone, but by most people. It's hard to hold ourselves accountable for "big ticket items" because they are goals that require hard work, unattainable feats, or feeble reaches at something we really don't want or need.

As the year progresses, people get so upset when those resolutions and goals are broken. But, they forget that tomorrow is a new day and just because the clock struck midnight on December 31st doesn't mean that this year or this day is any different from the one that came before. In theory our resolutions can be made at any time; they can be amended into more obtainable goals, they can be modified to reflect new paths we lead, or they can be forgotten for smaller tasks that are easier to achieve gratification. Resolutions do not have to come as the new year dawns; they can be made at any point.

However, what the New Year is good for is to reflect upon all the moments that came before it. We are ending our year with big holiday celebrations, more time with family and friends, and nostalgia for what once was. This is the perfect time to look back at the previous year by ourselves or with our loved ones and celebrate our successes or weep for our losses. We often forget to do this as the days pass, but this is the one time where we crave a new start, a reflection for old times, or a reevaluation of where we are headed.

2017 was an eye opening year for me. It was one where I realized my limits and where I finally realized just how far I have to go on my journey in life.

I began 2017 with a huge change to my professional life; I realized how horrible certain situations can be when you have the courage to look a little deeper, I swapped classrooms, and found an amazing teaching partner. Through the hardships that followed, I came to the sound conclusion that situations define who we are as people and I was worth so much more than I was given credit for. I learned that my instincts cannot be overlooked and that certain people are put in our lives to reaffirm that we are on the right path. It was a challenge, but one that I met and one that made me a better person and teacher.

2017 was also the year that I faced an unexpected medical situation. I spent time in the hospital, hating my body and my luck. I felt pain that was beyond anything that I could have imagined and faced days where I could barely get out of bed. I saw doctor after doctor, had test after test, and finally found relief. I realized that genetics are awful in more ways than one and that my body can only handle so much. I am still healing and facing each day with unexpected challenges but I came out of a horrible situation with a new outlook on what I can and cannot do. I learned that health is more important than pushing yourself to limits you cannot reach.

But more importantly, 2017 presented my personal life with something that I could never have imagined. On December 12, 2017, my brother died. Typing those words is truly excruciating and I do so with blurry vision. Tomorrow, it will be one month since he passed away and I find it so incredibly hard to believe. I guess I am still floating in the denial stage of grief. But it is best summed up by words from an incredible friend:

"I cannot believe I am writing a sympathy card for Charlie because I always thought he was invincible."

Those words are on constant repeat inside my head because they sum up everything I feel whenever I think about my brother. I knew the logistics of his disease growing up. I memorized the statistics regarding mortality rates for people who had his disease. I saw the progressiveness of his muscles deteriorating over the past year from his dependency on his breathing machine to the way his body slowly wasted away as it loss muscle mass. I heard the defeat in his voice when the pain was too much. In theory, I knew what was coming, but I never fully came to terms of what it would be like when he passed away.

I didn't think about how hard I would cry when my mom called me on the phone to deliver the news. I didn't think about how awful it would be to see his body no longer breathing as we visited him one last time in Hospice. I didn't think about the irrational thoughts that I would think as we walked into his room; how I would want to reach out and put the breathing mask back on his face because he couldn't breath without it or how I thought maybe the doctors were wrong and they just couldn't wake him up. I didn't think about how extremely hard it would be to plan a cremation or a memorial service. I didn't about reading a eulogy remembering the good and bad times of a life that once was. I didn't think about how after I wouldn't want to look at sympathy cards or how tired I would be to hear people say "I'm sorry for your loss". I didn't think about how a death doesn't end at the memorial; how there are possession to be sorted through and empty spaces to be filled. I didn't think about how I burst into tears at the most inane tasks, such as putting on my makeup or shopping for Christmas gifts. I didn't about how a death around the holidays would be so hard because family gatherings show just how much everything has changed and how noticeable it is if someone is missing.

I didn't think about how my mental health would be affected. I didn't realize that everyday would be a struggle to get out of bed. I didn't think about how loss could take your breath away and steal your energy. I didn't think about how many thoughts can race through your mind to create a fear of "down time". I didn't consider how crippling it would be to hear about your loved ones grief or how death would affect them.

I never spent the time thinking about how I would react to the loss of such an influential person in life. Death affects everyone differently and I never realized how hard it would be to grieve and to move on when everything is different.

But with loss of my brother, I realized that life and health are really too short. I realized that sometimes the standards that we hold ourselves to, or the standards that others hold us to, can tear us down when we least expect it. I realized that my brother's death was the point in my life where I would acknowledged how much I took myself for granted.

I have always been a perfectionist. In school, I wanted, and had, to get the best grades and as I continued through college and now graduate school, that need to have exemplary grades has only magnified. I have always wanted to be a mom: an extraordinary mom. I unconsciously scheduled myself to have as much meaningful time with my children as possible and I made sure that they got all the opportunities I did not have as a child, even if it killed me financially. I strived to be the best teacher I could be by continuing my schooling, attending every professional development opportunity I could get my hands on, and planning stellar learning activities. I wanted to contribute more to my family, so I joined a company as an independent consultant and began selling with all my leftover energy; I became obsessed with making the best party templates, with booking as many parties as I could, and throwing myself into my group page on social media. I had to do it all and be all for everyone and everything.

And in doing so, I broke myself. I replaced my fear with new challenges to mask what I was hiding and denying. I became driven to escape the complicated realities of living with the knowledge of loving someone who was gravely ill. I pushed myself and kept pushing because I thought I could do it all and people kept saying "Wow! You're so good at that!" or "I don't know how you do it! You are a super mom!". And while their comments were well-intended, they also helped me build this unrealistic facade of who I should be and how high of a standard I needed to hold myself to.

In the weeks following my brother's death, I was able to realize I was broken. That I piled too many responsibilities on myself and forget to just be myself. Self-care took a back seat to all my responsibilities and I forgot to acknowledge that I was only human.

Then I talked with a wise friend who always knows just what to say when I feel low. She said that instead of making a New Year's resolution, she was going to focus on a word. And as she said that, I couldn't help but think that my word for 2018 would be: Heal. Which was coincidentally her word too, proving that this is the right path to pursue right now.

In 2017, I learned a lot, but I also lost a lot. I lost a piece of myself with my brother. But I also lost the ability to care for myself. I took on a lot of responsibility, developed a lot of horrible habits, and fell down the rabbit hole into a place where I was too harsh on myself. So, 2018 will be the year where I HEAL.

2018 will be the year that I admit I need help. It will be the year that I live in the moment. It will be the year where I take on no extra responsibility. It will be the year where I learn what self-care truly means. It will be the year that I become a better me; not a better teacher, not a better wife, not a better mom, not a better sister, not a better daughter. But a better ME.

This will be the year that I heal myself from the inside out.

Judgments

It's been a while, but lately something has been weighing on my shoulders and I need to push some of the weight off... And I say it's been weighing on my shoulders because the usual phrase "weighing on my mind" doesn't quite fit. I honestly feel a tremendous pressure is on my shoulders and not admitting what I am about to say has been dragging me down with the discomfort and conflicting feelings that are figurative weights on my shoulders.

Maybe this post won't be the same sentiments that you have. Maybe this post will upset you. Or cause you to judge me. Maybe it will resonate with something deep inside of you. Or maybe it will be a waste of your time. I cannot tell you how to feel, but I can say "Don't be a dick". Keep your comments of hurt and unwanted advice to yourself, especially after reading the content of this page.

As a woman, I am judged for everything I do or do not do. If I have children, I am judged for how many I have and how I raise them. If I do not have children, I am judged for not having a nurturing personality. If I get married, then I am judged for how quickly it came about, how extravagant my wedding was, and how much I pamper my husband. If I do not get married, then I am judged for being single or neglecting what is expected of me in a relationship.

As a woman, I am judged for how curvy I am, how skinny I look, or my lack/abundance of my chest size. I am judged for what I wear; how much of it, how little of it, or how much I spent on it. I am judged for my work performance; what my role should be, how much I am paid, and where I choose to work. I am judged for being jealous, needy, proud, aggressive, or meek. I am judged for my chemical make-up; if I am angry, sad, happy, or touchy, then I am on my period. I am judged for every single thing that I do or do not do.

Being a woman is hard. But, genes, right? I am a woman so I go on living my life. I have curves (or rather bumps and stretch marks). I have a less than stellar chest size. I chose to get married to an older man at a young age. I chose to become a mom at a young age and I chose to have two children. I chose to become a preschool teacher and become a perpetual student. I am much more confident than I was in the past, but still get emotional over commercials and words people say to me. I have a small group of friends I adore and a family who loves me. I can be a bitch. I can be sweet. I am a woman... hear me roar and all that comes with it.

However, thanks to unspoken societal rules and unfair judgments by the powers that be, being a woman can be hard. Which is why I think it is excruciating to admit when I need help. It physically hurts and gives me so much anxiety to admit that my life isn't perfect and that I cannot do something. And I know so many other women feel the same way, especially mothers.

Let's talk about motherhood. I became a mom at the ripe old age of 21. I was married and excited and instantly fell in love with my daughter. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and it was just like the movies and stories describe; every sound she made caused me to smile, every breath she took was carefully measured by my eyes, and there are still no words to describe the joy of hearing a first cry, laugh, or coo. I was over the moon! But, no one talks about the other side of becoming a mom.

Physically and emotionally, it is DRAINING. Physically, your body immediately begins to try and "right" itself from pregnancy; the hormones come flooding with a vengeance, your body is left flabby and stretched out and everything hurts regardless of whether you had a vaginal or c-section birth. Your sleep schedule changes; you get little to no sleep and are left dragging yourself around in a constant state of confusion. Emotionally, you are drained because it hits you that you are fully responsible for the care and well-being of a tiny, helpless human being. While it is joyous and beautiful, it is also overwhelming; there are now doctor visits to think about, bathing routines that need to be adjusted, feeding schedules, and thoughts about head positioning during carrying and sleeping hours.

But life still goes on.

There are bills to be paid, maternity leave (if you are EXTREMELY lucky to have it) to calculate, dishes to be washed, and laundry to fold and put away. Houses that need to be dusted and cleaned. Dinners that need to be cooked and family visits to be made.

It is horribly overwhelming.

And because society believes that new moms are perfect creatures and should cherish every moment, many moms find it so HARD to ask for help or say that every moment it not perfect. It is hard to admit that you don't fit the perfect mold as a mom. That while you love your child, life with a baby and as a family is hard to adjust to. Which is why I spent the first few weeks of motherhood crying my eyes out.

It was the most beautiful and most awful time of my life. I found it difficult to adjust to the lack of sleep, I was scared to death to be left alone with a baby that a few days before I didn't know how to burp or feed or change. I was terrified that hiccups would be the end of the world. Or that I wasn't holding my baby in the right position and she would end up with a flat spot. I caught the baby blues really bad. And it was because it's taboo to talk about not being perfect...it's taboo to ask for help because becoming a mother should be the most precious thing to happen in your life.

But so many women let their baby blues go on for a long time or they don't admit that they have trouble adjusting and need help. They get postpartum depression. They find it hard to talk to their partner about it. They find it hard to approach the doctor. They find it hard to ask for help. Because society expects us to be perfect moms and so in love and to bounce back with a perfect figure just a few weeks later. As women we are judged for every time we ask for help and for every time we don't live up to expectations. This can be especially true for mothers.

I eventually settled into motherhood and shook off the baby blues. And by the time I had my son, I was able to adjust much better. I knew to ask for help. I knew that I couldn't be super mom and that the dishes, laundry, and cleaning could wait. I knew to cherish the little moments and ask others to step in when I just needed a break. It got better.

But, lately I have had a few conversations with friends. And I realized that being a woman is still hard... It still comes with judgment and a sense of trepidation when asking for help or when admitting that we cannot do something.

Recently I have had a lot of family issues. My brother is sick. Really sick. Sorry if you are reading this FH, but it is incredibly hard to watch someone who called you "four eyes" throughout middle and high school, who threw food at you at the dinner table, and who used to talk through every movie and t.v. show, deteriorate and change every single time you see them. It's hard to watch them sleep the whole day away, or be in so much pain that they can barely make complete sentences, that their body is an empty shell of what it has been. It sucks...

I am also facing my own health issues. I spent four days in the hospital two and a half weeks at home recuperating with a diagnosis of Lyme Disease. It attacked my nervous system and caused my neck muscles to be profoundly weak on my left side of my body, it caused my joints to swell, and it took away all of my reflexes in my foot. I am much better than those first days in the hospital, but it's been a long road.

And what hurts me the most is that people say, "You look GREAT" or "You seem like you are doing better". Ugh. I appreciate the sentiment, but it makes me cringe every time someone says that. Because right now I am battling an invisible illness. I look great on the outside, but my body is hurting on the inside where no one can see... My muscles tremble, my hands and knuckles are so swollen that I cannot hold a paperback book, my knee is retaining so much water and the pressure is so intense that I fell down the stairs last week... My body feels like it is constantly in a state of fighting off the flu....the body and muscle aches rival those that accompany a 104 fever. Sometimes I have headaches and tingling in my toes and fingers. Some nights I cry myself to sleep after tossing and turning for about an hour because my joints are so uncomfortable in every position. I can barely pick up my son or run around the yard to play with my kids.

All of this is happening and I barely complain. Because society says I have to put on a brave face...get perfect grades as a Grad student, play with my kids non-stop as a mom, cook and clean as a wife, and put in 110% as a teacher. Ugh...

I have been feeling like this for the past several months and I am scared to DEATH to push the publish button because I know that someone, somewhere is going to judge me. They are gonna say, "She is just seeking attention and wants someone to praise her" or "She is neglecting her kids because she says motherhood isn't always perfect" or "She is just milking her diagnosis. I know someone who got Lyme and they were fine in just a few days" or "No wonder why she looks like shit lately. She is ruining her life". I know that the judgments are gonna flood in because being a woman is hard... There is always someone who is dictating what I can or cannot do. What I can or cannot feel. What I can or cannot say. What I can or cannot write. What I can or cannot admit. What I can or cannot ask for help.

Or worse. People are gonna say "You are an excellent mom" or "I could never tell that you were struggling" or "Look how far you have come" or "Wow. You are so strong" or "You can pull through". Ugh. While the intentions are nice, they are sometimes just as tough to swallow as the judgments.

Because when you reach that point, you know you are a good mom. You know you have made it this far and everyone is still alive and you can make it through the day. You know that life will continue to go on and that you put your best effort forward. You know that there are circumstances beyond your control and everything happens for a reason.

But what I really want moving forward, aren't the sympathy comments. Or the judgments. What I want moving forward are the moments where you stop judging. Where it's okay for women to admit that they need help or for them to admit that right now, they don't feel as strong as they look. What I want is for women to admit that they got the baby blues or postpartum depression without feeling the guilt that accompanies such an admission. What I want is for women to say that they need a break from motherhood or life for a few hours because they need a refresh. What I want is for women to embrace their bodies and to not have to worry about their friend, lover, or a stranger saying that they aren't enough. What I want is for women to admit everything I said and more without being judged by society, by their friends, by their family members, or by their co-workers.

What I want is for everyone to breath a sigh of relief when they push that weight of judgment off their shoulders.

A Little Unsteady

A few years ago I got a tattoo with one of my best friends. It was my birthday present to her and also a gift to myself. It's a phrase that we continually say to one another; whenever we are upset, or happy, or when something doesn't happen quite the way we expected. We have been saying the same thing to one another through life's ups and downs for ten years. In fact, we believe in the phrase so much that we got the tattoo inked on our forearms so we could see it everyday as a reminder to ourselves; as a way to get through all those moments that we couldn't understand.

Over the past two years, I have looked at this tattoo numerous times. It's gorgeous. The script is elegant. It makes me feel like I have someone on my side no matter what, even if they aren't by my physical side. Whenever I am upset, I just have to look at my arm and suddenly a big problem doesn't weigh as much as it did moments before. It's become a mantra that I have chanted through my mind when I faced a difficult day at work, when my family was entering uncharted territory, and when I just couldn't figure out a "good enough" answer. It's provided a lot of comfort...

Until recently...

Recently, I was faced with an easy decision and an impossible outcome. It was a situation that will forever stay with me. One that will influence my career and personal decisions in the future. One that makes me feel heartbroken and hollow on the inside. One that I never thought I would be directly affected by. A situation that I had heard about and thought, "That would never happen to me" or "I would never have to play that big of a role". A situation that I want to simultaneously erase from my mind and permanently hold onto with all my might.

It's something that makes me think the quote on my arm is wrong...

Maybe not wrong. But maybe it's not as big of a saving grace as I thought it was. Maybe I held onto the concept of the quote with such reverence that I never questioned what would happen when I couldn't find an answer. I guess I never understood the power thoughts and words could hold over someone. What would happen if the words weren't strong enough to hold up to my expectations? What if instead of making me stronger, they made me weaker? What if they made me hold life's questions up to an unattainable answer?

What happens when your beliefs crumble?

My whole life I have believed in a few concepts that I refuse to let go. Concepts that I have learned through hard life lessons and personal experiences that influenced the steps I took towards my personal and professional lives. These concepts have been proven true to me time and time again by the actions of others and myself. Although they may not be the beliefs of others, I still firmly believe in them...or at least I did...

One concept is regret.

Regret is a wasted emotion. Or perhaps it's a wasted state of living. Regretting a decision, words spoken, or actions taken cannot change the past. Life doesn't move backwards. No day is the same. Therefore, living with regret will only eat up your future. It will only negatively impact your outlook on life, the relationships you weave on a daily basis, and the internal thoughts that course through your mind throughout the day. Regret only leads to hurt. It doesn't make you a better person. Living through the impacts of your actions, words, and thoughts are the only thing that can be changed. Moving on from what occurred and trying to be a better person the next time is the only way to combat those negative emotions associated with regret. Changing the future is easy; you just have to try.

Another concept is that people don't change.

Although this may be a controversial thought, it's still one that I firmly believe. People don't change, they only become more of who they were or they substitute their emotions/actions/thoughts for another idea. For example, in my last post, I discussed how I am proud of myself. I have become more outspoken, I have learned to love myself, and I have succeed in my professional and personal goals. That doesn't mean I am a different person or that I have changed. It means that I had all that potential and never acted upon it. It means that I let myself become more of who I truly am on the inside. Or let's think about the concept of people never changing in terms of addiction. I believe an addict can quit and they can turn their life around and become better at living. But, often they replace that addiction with another one. Perhaps it's "GOD", or the Steps Program, or smoking, or eating, or becoming healthy, or even adding a new relationship to the mix. Plus, the addiction is always there. It is a struggle they constantly deal with. I commend those who have recovered because it's not an easy thing to do. And many people fail at trying to overcome their addictions. But deep down, there is always that addictive personality. That need for something more. I know because I also have an addictive personality. I have been around addicts my entire life. I've seen their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. I get it. But, bottom line: people don't change. We just see who they really are or they show us.

But now, I doubt myself. Maybe my beliefs aren't that strong.

One situation can change your entire outlook on life. It can leave lasting impressions. It can make you doubt your chosen path and the future. One situation can lead to so much more. It can make you look at the power of words and thoughts and question how much power should be given to those concepts. One situation.

One situation has made me look at the quote on my arm and question everything. I don't have the answers anymore. Looking down at my arm is not the solution it once was...

The quote on my arm reads:

                                             "Everything happens for a reason"

Reflections for the Proud

The beginning of a new year is always a time for reflection for a lot of people. They review the goals they accomplished over the year. Or the goals they forgot about along the way. They think about loves lost and gained. They reflect on who they are as a person and who they want to "become". They think about regrets, mistakes, and moments that could've happened, but didn't. They remember those they lost through death or through life's obstacles. They look to the new year for a fresh start...to redeem themselves, to move forward, or to gain control.

At the beginning of the new year, I engage in these thoughts and activities as well. As the new year rolls forward, I am focused on reflecting on a blog post, and a subsequent promise, I made to myself almost one year ago.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let others define me. I wouldn't let them take control of my life and dictate who I was as a person, as a teacher, as a friend, as a lover, or as a student. I promised myself I would remember the lessons I learned the previous year and I would move forward as a woman who stood up for herself. A woman who remembered who she was as a person and who wouldn't let others lose sight of that. Looking back across the year, reflecting on each move I made and everything I said, I know that I remembered who I was as a person. I not only didn't let others define myself, I defined myself a little more clearly.

This past year, I became a better me. Or rather, I realized that I really like who I am.

I'm proud of myself for speaking up. This past year, I spoke against those who created injustice, not just for myself, but for the littlest hearts of our world. I refused to put up with hurtful words, degrading politics, and harmful practices. I let my voice be known and I refused to back down. I fought for myself. I fought for what I thought needed to be changed. I stood up and refused to sit back down until someone heard what I had to say. Not only did I accomplish my goals, with a little help from people in the right places and determined cohorts on my side, but I did it with grace. I did it without stooping to the level of pettiness I experienced. I spoke up with a clear voice that spoke with honesty and without bias. I spoke with grace, heart, and without fear.

I am so proud of myself for finding my voice.

I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my academic and professional goals. This past year (and then some) was incredibly difficult for myself professionally and academically. I went through unbelievable change that made me doubt my chosen career path. A change that brought new pettiness to light and also new alliances. I went through hurt and pain at the expense of others words and actions. I also lost myself a little bit along the way and found that I can't always have perfect scores (a surprisingly difficult concept to swallow) and achieve the small goals. I tested my willpower, my ability to remain mentally prepared each day, and the concept of surviving on a few hours of sleep. But in the end, I accomplished the big goals. I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Child Studies with the status of being a member of the Alpha Chi Honor Society and a diploma that reads Magna Cum Laude. I also attended professional development conferences and persevered through harmful learning situations to become a more confident teacher.

I am so proud of myself for reaching my goals.

I'm proud of myself for learning to love myself. When I was in high school, I hated who I was. I thought I was too fat. I used to throw up my food because I didn't look like the beautiful people at school and the actresses on t.v. I thought I was unlovable. I used to analyze every square inch of my body...inside and out. I saw so much acne, stretch marks, hideous feet, an emotionally damaged soul that was incapable of being repaired. I thought I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, daughter, or girlfriend. I struggled for such a long time trying to overcome extreme social anxiety, self-doubt, and dangerous behaviors. I honestly saw no worth in who I was. In fact, this continued for a long time...well into my twenties. But, now... I look down and see my stretch marks. I can count all the dimples in my thighs, stomach, and butt that are a result of cellulite. I see the scars from years of acne and see more bouts of it pop up every few weeks. I wave my arms and resemble a bird taking flight due to the extra little bit of weight in my upper arms. I have what I refer to as a fanny pack...a slight pouch gained from pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. I see lots of imperfections. I know some of it can be improved and tightened with a good diet and some exercise. But, then I remember what all those marks, scars, and curves mean.

They mean that I gave birth to two beautiful children and I was too busy caring for them, loving them, and remaining in the moment to care about getting rid of the fanny pack. They represent those moments where I indulged in a late night food fest with great friends or moments of pure sugar-induced bliss with people who mean the world to me. They stand for the ridiculous nights where I laughed too hard, danced too much, and loved enough. They represent the times of stress I endured and overcome to become a better mother, daughter, wife, student, teacher, and friend. They also remind me that I am not going to have the perfect body. I was born with whatever genes were given to me by my family. I make choices everyday that impact my body and personality. I wear each mark, curve, scar, and imperfection proudly. I love my personality and my body. I am a good person inside and out and I came to truly understand that this year.

I am so proud to finally be happy in my skin.

The start of a new year is definitely time for reflection. This year I constantly reflected back on who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, as a wife, as a teacher, and as a friend. I learned from my past lessons and became a stronger person. But, there are still so many lessons to learned and reflected upon.

I know that 2017 will be full of hard decisions. Learning how to let go. Accepting help. Remembering who I can trust and who is there to support me. Trying to find a way to get past the hurtful words, the people who cannot learn to love themselves, and struggling to set a good example. Finding out how to accomplish my personal and academic goals. Learning new skills. Understanding how to be loved and how to love in return. Accepting situations I cannot change. Living under the notion that everything happens for a reason. Embrace the fact there are people in my life who are not meant to be carried into the future. And relishing in the fact that there are those who will always be a constant source of strength. But, I am ready for all of this and more.

Because I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of overcoming the impossible situations. I am proud of loving my body and personality. I am proud to be outspoken. I am proud of myself.

"In a world where you can be anything, be KIND"

As per the usual, this blog comes with a warning. But just because of the content of this particular blog, I shall present you with two warnings.

First fair warning: This blog contains political content. The political content is not meant to change your personal opinion or state that the reader is wrong for their beliefs; it only serves the purpose of my own personal thoughts.

Second fairer warning: This blog contains all my personal thoughts. No one is encouraging me to write this post. I honestly have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and they just need to come out to help me "heal" and to give the readers of this blog some food for thought. I also have to include in this second warning, that I have been thinking about this for a while and that perhaps my thoughts might be a little rambling, so please excuse the semi-organized chaos. Although, you are reading a blog with the title "Always rambling with nothing to say".

I strongly encourage the readers of this blog to read my last post due to the fact that this is most definitely related. Or please, read a newspaper because this country just had an election. An election that was held after the most hateful, tumultuous, anxious political campaign that most people have ever experienced in their lives. An election that showed the clear, and disheartening, divide among our American citizens. An election that resulted in Donald Trump as the presidential-elect of the United States of America. An election that made me cry and feel anxious for several days after. An election that still feels like a personal, and perhaps, national nightmare for myself and many others.

I am going to be completely honest and say that I never saw this coming. I truly did not believe that our country could elect a racist, xenophobic, womanizing, reality show host to lead our country for the next four years. Although those words seem long and a cliche for many individuals now, they are my honest opinion. Throughout his lifetime (forget about the words, speeches, and televised statements that were made during the election), president-elect Donald Trump has insulted huge groups of individuals. He has made vulgar, demeaning comments towards women (many of them made public) and derogatory remarks about minorities, immigrants, and those with special needs. He even insulted veterans who had/have PTSD saying that they were too weak and that's why they are experiencing their symptoms. He has threatened to take away many of our rights (including reproductive rights) and overturn many of the laws and acts that were put into place from the President Obama administration over the past eight years. He has bankrupted himself and his company many times, yet he promises to put more money back into our economy, which feels like a true statement of contradiction. He wants to build a wall for immigrants which would undermine the entire foundation of our country; in addition to the wall and its reinforcement costing millions of taxpayer dollars, 90% of us would not be here today if our ancestors did not IMMIGRATE into this country many years ago. Honestly, I could list countless other reasons why president-elect Trump's term in office is potentially catastrophic for this country, but I choose to stop here.

I understand that many of these potential policies are going to have to pass through the House and Senate before they are even considered to be a valid option. I also understand the fact that Donald Trump is not the only individual to make horrible choices and decisions throughout his life and campaign run. Hillary Clinton is definitely not an angel and she has a list of statements and choices that I personal do not condone. I understand that no one is perfect. Hell, on a daily basis I have "resting bitch face", I tend to judge others too quick, and I hold grudges. I have done my fair share of horrible decision making and faced potential regrets. No one is proud of 100% of everything they have said, done, or haven't had the opportunity to do. I understand that we don't know what a Donald Trump presidency would consist of; he might surprise us all. Even though I seriously doubt that...

What does scare me and what I can honestly say for certain, is that this hateful election, the aftermath of experiencing months and years of hate, has resulted in disastrous social consequences. Ones that I fear are only going to get worse over the next several months and years unless we as American citizens acknowledge what is happening in our country and try to be better people.

Since the announcement of Donald Trump's election results, America has seen an outpouring of racist, demeaning, and overall nasty comments and actions. Swastikas promoting "white pride" have been painted on public buildings, students have been wearing "black face" to scare away the "black population", individuals have been attacked on college campuses for wearing hijabs, women have been scared to walk to their cars, and countless racial slurs and taunts have been written across bathrooms, public stalls, and even people's cars. But that's only a small amount of incidents. Those are only the acts that have been committed by "Trump supporters". Although Trump has said that he doesn't welcome those individuals who committed these acts into the Republican party and he doesn't condone what they have done, they did happened. But, it's not just "white supremacists" who have engaged in these hateful acts. Those who were supporting Trump and his political views have been victims following the election as well; they have been beaten during rallies and protests, they have been called racist and have experienced hateful crimes, and they have been made to feel like their views and their personalities are "wrong" just for voting in the election. In fact, a friend on Facebook described some of the hate she experienced and the racial comments that she received from those who she considered friends were disgusting. Just because she voted for Trump she became an enemy. And she isn't the only one to experience these words and actions.

Even on social media, I have been astounded by the amount of hate and ridiculous memes that have emerged since the Trump win on Tuesday. I have seen memes stating that those who were protesting Trump could afford to go to rallies since "they are lazy, don't work, and receive state benefits". I have also seen the meme of a woman crying stating "Trump is gonna make me work for my benefits". There have been countless others, but these are truly personal and aggravating to me.

First of all, just because people didn't vote for Trump, doesn't mean that they don't work and that they are receiving state benefits. Second, some people honestly need those benefits to survive and they have done everything they could before relying on those services provided by the government. Are there people who cheat the system? Yes. Are their people who receive benefits and don't care? Yes. But there are also those hard working people, like myself and others, who have been in positions where we worked our asses off at our minimum wage jobs and where our husbands lost their jobs and applied for everything under the sun and still didn't find anything. We had no choice but to rely on state benefits to carry us through until we could find something better. By assuming and passing along these memes and hateful words, you are perpetuating the hate and possibly hurting others who had no choice but to rely on assistance and feel ashamed for that fact.

Writing and describing these acts and words honestly leaves me on the brink of tears. How could our society be so hateful? How could we demean and categorize individuals for their beliefs and how could we perpetuate hate when we are all American citizens? Why does this feel like we are stepping back into the era of segregation? Running towards a future that places hate above love? That places individual's rights and beliefs over the good of a country?

Martin Luther King Jr. stated, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."

So, I ask, no matter what your view. Choose love instead of hate. Choose light instead of darkness. Choose a path that not only benefits your beliefs, but also reinforces the ideals that this country was founded upon. Choose to drive out what you believe is wrong without hurting those in your path. Choose to set an example rather than following the examples of others. Choose to think for yourself instead of following the individuals who repost and "jump on the bandwagon". Choose to be the person that you want your children, your students, your family, the younger generation to follow. Choose to support instead of abandoning those who need you the most. Choose to volunteer rather than being passive in your choices. Choose differently.

After Tuesday, I was running on little sleep and I was feeling depressed and disheartened. I didn't have a smile to give and I felt angry at our country for getting it "so wrong". But instead of acting on my hate, instead of turning this into a "me versus them" argument, I chose kindness. I purchased my bagel and coffee and then I also passed along a $5 gift card. The woman behind me, kept it going and passed it along to the next customer. I say this not to receive acknowledge for my "good deed", but to say it's possible to choose kindness.

In a world where there is so much hate and so much bitterness, why do I need to hate Trump supporters too. Why do I need to bring others down to support my own views? We do not live in an "eye for an eye" society. Therefore, we need to make a difference if we want others to hear our voice and if we want others to make a difference too.

Martin Luther King Jr. also stated, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way".

So I ask everyone to do something small. If you see someone who is experiencing a moment of great sadness, offer them a hand or a hug. If you see someone who is being targeted for a hate crime, stand by them and let them know you don't stand for intolerance. If you see an individual on the street in rags and tatters, buy them a warm blanket or a hot meal. If you see an elderly man or woman who cannot hold the door and push their shopping cart out, hold the door. If you hear about a friend who went through a bad breakup, let them know you are there to listen. If you do not feel comfortable taking a stand in government, speaking up, or standing out, then commit a random, small act of kindness. It could make a huge difference.

If you feel like taking a bigger stand, get involved. Donate to a charity that you believe in. Volunteer at a local food bank or homeless shelter. Look for minority organizations and see how you can support them with time or money. Lend money to Planned Parenthood if you fear for your reproductive rights. Write your Senator, State Representative, or Governor if you think funding should be allocated towards a specific cause (such as education or the arts). Sign a petition to protest laws and acts that you have no tolerance for and then continue to advocate for those groups and rights. Sit in on a local or state government meeting and find out what is happening in your community.

STOP WEARING SAFETY PINS, and start making your voice heard. Although the idea of a safety pin is a nice thought, it is meant as a patch for our own personal feelings. The only thing a safety pin is holding together and representing, is ourselves. We need to think beyond our own feelings and start broadening our view.

Don't fear the Trump presidency, just ensure that your voice is heard and start ensuring that our future as a country is not in jeopardy.

And lastly, I will leave you with two pieces of information...

First, before everyone starts thinking that I am on a high horse and that I am just spewing random words and that I don't take my own advice, slow your role. I am actively involved in local politics (I have personal contributed time and money to the recent elections). I am also a member of several women and education advocacy groups due to the fact that they represent causes that I firmly believe in. And I have written to the Attorney General and State Representatives many times in the past to let my voice be heard about issues that I found to be unacceptable. So, yes I firmly believe everything that I have said.

Second, please remember this quote:

"In a world where you can be anything, be KIND".

*Final note: Not sure where the last quote came from. Sorry for not citing my source here.

You are Making a Mistake

WARNING: This blog post contains political content and if you are easily offended, then you should stop reading. Additional note, this blog post DOES NOT contain partial favoritism or try to convince the reader to vote for a specific party, candidate, or rights.

I have always been fascinated by the concept of time. So much so that I actually wrote a final composition piece in high school on the topic. Time is a strange concept. It is one that we invented: we placed seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to months, months to years, and years to the span of our lifetimes. We conceived countless concepts regarding daylight savings times, time zones, and times at which specific events occur. We placed the importance on time. But the fact of the matter is that time is an inevitable part of our lives. And time seems to proceed at an accelerated rate.

Today is already November 3, 2016. The year is almost over. Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day, Independence Day, and Halloween have passed. Before we know it, the major religious holidays will come and go and we will be ringing in the New Year of 2017. This also means that another important date is quickly approaching: Election Day, which is November 8th for the record...

Unfortunately, this election year has been one of turmoil, angst, argument, disappointment, conflict, and general uneasiness. It has been said that this year is one of the most important election years to date. While I partly agree with this statement because I think we have the potential to witness history (no matter what way the electoral college and popular vote indicate), I also think that every single presidential election is incredibly important.

Let's refer to the concept of time once again.

In the early years of our country, only white people were allowed to vote. Correction, only white males were allowed to vote (especially those who were wealthy land owners). Time progressed, the Civil War was won, and then came a period of great segregation. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, along with countless other thankless and equally important members of the African American community, came together to fight against racism and pass the 25th Amendment which banned all forms of the poll tax, thus paving the way for African Americans to vote. Historical figures such as Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Lucy Stone advocated for women and faced countless critics and other obstacles to ensure that women had the right to vote.

An innumerable amount of people were beaten, faced harsh critics, and spent their entire lives dedicated to ensuring that ALL American citizens would be able to vote in all future elections. Minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades were spent tirelessly by hundreds of people to ensure that American citizens would be able to vote without facing segregation, injustice, punishment, and criticism.

Yet, so many Americans are actively choosing and discussing the fact that they will not vote due to the candidates on the ballot this year. How incredibly sad.

If time has taught us one thing it should be that we shouldn't take anything for granted. Our right to vote is something that we should not take for granted because if you exercised that vote, perhaps we wouldn't have these two major party candidates.

Make a stand. Start voting in EVERY SINGLE ELECTION! Declare yourself apart of a party...any party. It doesn't have to be Republican or Democrat. It could be the Green Party, an Independent, or one of the other parties that are now being recognized and advocated for. While you won't be able to vote in primary elections (which is truthfully upsetting), at least you are exercising your right to vote. You are declaring that you recognize the time spent and the fights lost and won to earn your right to vote. You are making a stand against future candidates and you are advocating for the best candidate that will represent how you feel and what direction you believe this country should be heading towards.

But, mostly importantly, RESEARCH! Understand that you are not obligated to vote for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic party or Donald Trump and the Republican party. There are so many other candidates; Jill Stein for the Green Party and Gary Johnson for the Libertarian party. Maybe one of those candidates has a different view for our country and they are the one who will advocate for your personal beliefs and will lead this country in a different direction. Or think about who is running for U.S. Senate or other local political positions. These MATTER TOO! They help decide who will advocate for your city, town, and state on a local and national level. That vote is just as important.

Include in this research the fact that major media stations and social media sites are not places to find factual information. ALL media stations are biased; they cover one candidate more than the other, they pick and select information to show, and they run ads for specific political parties. Social media sites create videos that are pieced together to show a candidate in a certain light or that misconstrue a candidates words or intentions. All of these places influence our thoughts and help us lean towards a specific candidate. Even our close family and friends influence our votes. We hear a piece of news from them that they heard from someone else or the media and suddenly we think, "That makes sense," or "Wow. I never knew that candidate was so spiteful or stood for that specific issue". I'm not saying to ignore your family and friends or that they are intentionally lying to you. What I am saying is that your vote should be PERSONAL.

Your vote should be grounded in your personal beliefs. Not only what you think about the "hot topics" (Gun control, Roe v. Wade, Immigration), but also what you think should happen with state and government funding. What you think should happen in the education system, health care, community programs, and advocacy groups. There are so many MORE TOPICS than the ones that candidates like to focus on. We all have opinions about these topics and we need to be vigilant about what we want for ourselves, our families, our friends, and our communities. Think about what direction you think this country should head towards and find the candidate that best fits that concept. Don't become a sheep and vote with the majority (although I think that's exactly what's going to happen with this election); think for yourself. Advocate for the candidate that fits your needs, beliefs, and community. THINK, RESEARCH, REACT.

Also, don't become one of THOSE people who think that the "popular vote" does not count. YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE! True, the popular vote does not mean that that person is getting into office. Reference: George Bush in 2000 who lost the popular vote to Al Gore, but won the electoral college and became our president. The electoral college is the body of individuals who are responsible for voting for the president of the United States every four years. But, that body of individuals consist of the members of Congress (those in the House of Representatives and two each for the number of Senators for each state). Those members get to where they are by popular votes...BY OUR VOTES! In fact, we are voting for U.S. Senators this year! Which means that your vote DOES COUNT! If you don't vote in this election, then you are directly influencing the presidential outcome for this year and the next presidential electoral year as well. YOUR VOTE DOES COUNT.

If it didn't count, then why would countless individuals fight, die, and tire themselves out advocating for your right to vote?!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote during this election. And EVERY SINGLE ELECTION AFTER! Local and national elections!

If you don't vote, then YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE!