It's Complicated

Life is...complicated.

And so is this blog post. If you are easily offended, stop reading. I am brutally honest about how I feel and I don't need any more judgements. So take this post with a grain of salt and I will do the same with your opinion.

Today I was watching a video about this young man who bought over $100 of McDonald's food and handed it out to homeless people in the area. When he ran out of food, he went to Rite Aid and purchased more food and drinks and handed them out too. It was a short video, but I was sobbing by the end of it. Not only for the man's kindness and how grateful those who received food were, but because I was astounded by the sheer amount of homeless people he found in the area. Young, old, men, women, children, various ages and races. I'm not naive, I know that there are homeless people in every state and in every country, but still, it makes you think.

What circumstances brought those individuals to live on the streets? How did they get to where they are now? How do they survive the elements and hunger? Will their lives change? Do they have family or friends?

It also makes me feel extremely blessed. I have a roof over my head, food on my table every night, and a family who loves and supports me. I have a job and money to spend. I have good friends. I am fortunate enough to be in school, which gives me the opportunity to better myself and earn a better living for my family. I am truly lucky.

But, life is complicated... It's not about "he has it tougher than me" or "my issues are more severe than that person's problems" or "this happened to me, so I am entitled to this". That's not the way life works.

Each of our problems are just as significant. We all have battles to fight and lose. We all have heartbreak and love. We all have obstacles that seem impossible to overcome. We all have moments where it's hard to place ourselves in another's shoes. Each of our emotions and struggles are valid.

Which is while even though that video touched me and made me feel grateful for all I have in my life, I still had a rough day. I am still experiencing situations that have no "one right answer". Even though I am not homeless and even though I have a great family, I still think life is complicated.

I feel...frustrated.

There are some situations in my life that I have absolutely no control over. It's impossible to watch someone you love struggle with everyday functions. It's heartbreaking to know that they cannot feed themselves or that they don't understand what is happening around them. It's difficult to know how quickly someone's personality and physical state have changed over the course of a few short years. Where you once remember them as lively, interactive individuals and now see them as people who are listless and have defeated spirits. It's so hard to put into words what you want to give them. You want them to remember who they are. You want them to be able to get up and walk out the door so they can experience independence on a different level. You want them to stop hurting. But, you can't take it away or change their circumstance.

You can't give them their strength back. You can't help them remember what they used to be like. You can't watch them walk out the door. You can't bring love into their lives when others aren't willing to look past their "differences". You can't breathe for them. You can't take away their pain. You can't walk for them. You can't help them understand when that function is gone. And you can't make others understand what they fight so hard to ignore.

I think that's even more frustrating. You see this person struggle day in and day out and some people just don't understand it. They aren't there to see the good and bad moments. They aren't there to see how little moments become huge struggles. They aren't there to see you pick someone up off the floor. They aren't there to see how someone has changed after a "setback". They take it all for granted. They don't understand how precious each good moment is or how the tough moments make you grateful for all you have. They don't understand how influential their phone calls, visits, or kind words can be.

I feel frustrated because I can't help others the way I want to and I can't make someone see how their actions are affecting those in their life.

I feel...hurt

I have always wanted to be a teacher. I used to collect worksheets and books from my elementary school teachers at the end of the year, so I could "play school" all summer long. I babysat growing up because I loved children and enjoyed seeing their faces light up when they learned something new. I observed the qualities of my favorite teachers to see how they became so qualified and beloved by their students. I applied to several teaching colleges and enrolled in a school that got me into a classroom my first semester of college. I volunteered at after school programs and in elementary classrooms as a teacher aide working with autistic students. I earned my Associates in Early Childhood Education. I applied for a part-time position and got a full-time position for the first teaching job I ever applied to. I went back to school for my Bachelors in Child Studies and will have my degree and early childhood/kindergarten certification in a few short months. I have a 3.98 GPA and recently got accepted to the Alpha Chi Honor Society. I attend professional development workshops to learn new teaching techniques. I truly love what I do and feel as though I can learn from every experience in my life: good or bad.

But, lately I am struggling to find my place. I feel as though one conversation and one person shifted my entire career and I feel...stuck. Every day I put in a 100%, I remain flexible, and I try so hard to bring new ideas and experiences into what I do. But, there are still people who take advantage of what I do and I feel like I have taken a huge step back. There are still people who have unfair opinions of who I am as a person and who don't consider what I have to say. There are still people who express their indifference towards me until they need a favor. I am trying to make the best of the situation that I was given, but it's hard when you fight every day to overcome opinions and judgements and instability. I feel hurt that I do what I can and it is still met with skepticism or unfair criticism.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let other people define who I am. And I don't. I speak up for myself more now than I ever did before and that has helped with some of the situations that I have faced. But, it still hurts that it's not good enough.

I feel...angry.

There are so many people who take advantage of the situations they are placed in. They don't realize how lucky they are to have that stability in their lives. They don't realize that they were placed into a situation for a reason and they are hurting those around them by not meeting expectations. They don't realize that everything from their attire to their demeanor to their expressions are interpreted by those around them; their actions have consequences. They go through life assuming they are owed something without putting the effort in to earn what they are seeking. They don't problem solve and they simply don't care. It makes me so angry that they don't see the opportunity that they are given and they take advantage of every situation. It makes me angry that there are a million people fighting for their position and they are throwing away what they are given.

Life is complicated. There are situations we cannot control. There are circumstances that have no "right answer". There are emotions that we struggle to define and understand. Life is not black and white; people are not good or bad. You don't know what others are struggling with and you don't know what motivates them to act a certain way. Their problems are not insignificant or more important than yours, they are just different. Each person has their own struggles and their own way of dealing with whatever life hands them. Life is complicated and so are human emotions.

Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so complicated...