Mondays

"The same boiling water that hardens eggs will soften the carrot. Everything depends on the individual's particular reaction to stressful situations." Dr. James Dobson Hide or Seek

Today was hard. When faced with a stressful situation, I cried and left the room. When faced with a stressful situation, I couldn't handle it. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a heavy heart. A bruised physical body. And a withdrawn personality. I questioned myself.

Was it my fault?

Is this the right path for me?

What could I have done differently?

Maybe I need to reorganize my life?

What if today happens again? Can I handle it?

Then I went home. My son yelled, "Mommy. Mommy." My daughter asked, "Is mom home? Where is she?" before I walked in the door. We went for a walk. My son laughed. My daughter smiled. I watched them walk down the street hand-in-hand. I got to eat dinner with my family. I helped my daughter with her homework, which she got all right. My son and I had a dance party in the middle of my bedroom. My son cuddled with me on the couch. My daughter said, "I love you. Good night," before she went to bed. My son fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while. And then I thought.

Today wasn't my fault.

I am on the right path.

I will try a new strategy tomorrow.

If I reorganized my life, I would miss these beautiful moments that make it ok.

If it happens again, I know I have support. I can handle it.

"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what others are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." Unknown

Today was hard. I struggled through a difficult situation and felt like a failure. I wondered where I belonged and if I was strong enough. Then I spoke to my brother. He told me he got his leg checked out two weeks ago and it's not his bone that's broken or fractured, it's his muscles that are hurting. He's wearing a brace. He told me he was going to see his Pulmonologist tomorrow because he's having trouble breathing. When I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday, he said, "It doesn't matter. I just want to make it through it pain free." And then I thought.

Why was my day so bad?

I'm shallow to think that my morning was hard when there are people struggling to breathe. When walking isn't a luxury that's granted to everyone.

What if I couldn't make it through the day without being in physical or emotional pain?

Then my brother made me laugh. He asked how I was doing. He gave me sympathy for my tough day. He asked how my kids were. He said he loves them and can't wait to see them again. He said he missed me. Then he said goodbye. He promised to call me tomorrow to let me know how his doctor visit went. And then I thought.

Today was manageable. It wasn't so bad.

I'm not shallow. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you. Maybe my day wasn't as hard as my brothers, but my day could've been harder than another person's. And someone else had a tougher day than my brother. 

Life hands each person struggles that only they can make it through. My brother is tougher than I am; he smiles through the physical and emotional pain. I would crumple, but I am tougher than someone else. Maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do what I do. Life isn't any harder than what you can handle.

"The only person that I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday." Unknown

Today was hard. I felt defeated. I wondered if I could lift the ache in my heart as fast as the bruises would mend on my legs. Then I thought about who I am. I am a mother. I help my daughter with her homework. I let my son smear finger paint all over his hands. I kiss boo-boos on scraped knees. I am showered in love and kisses and hugs. Yet, I still try to do better. I work harder so my kids can have vacations. I think of strategies with other moms to get my daughter to socialize more. I wonder what I can do to improve my son's speech. I try new methods to get my son on a regular, independent sleeping schedule. I am a teacher. I plan lessons to teach children new concepts. I implement behavior plans to support children with a variety of abilities in the classroom. I attend professional development meetings. I confer with other colleagues to see what we can collaborate on and learn from. Yet, I still try to do better. I come home and research more social-emotional strategies. I research different behavioral plans. I collaborate with other individuals to improve my teaching practices. I think about what I could do differently and how I can implement that plan. I am a student. I do my homework after my kids go to bed. I am trying to earn my Bachelor's degree. I spend weekends writing papers. I complete my degree requirements. I apply for scholarships. Yet, I still try to do better. I submit papers to my college writing labs to see what I can improve on my research papers. I fight for grades that I believe I deserve. I actively participate and question those around me. I plan ahead, so I know what my options are. I haven't even finished my undergrad degree and I am already thinking about my graduate degree. And then I thought.

Am I really doing better?

How can I still improve myself?

Am I enough?

Then I realized, that because I want to do better. Because I actively engage with the people and things around me. Because I plan and implement. Because I strategize and question. Because I listen and learn. Because I want to do better, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And then I thought.

Yes. I am doing better because I want to do better.

I can improve myself because I am driven and because I still want to become the best me I can be.

I am enough for myself. And that's all I need to be enough for.

"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."

Today was hard. My skin wasn't thick enough. My eyes filled with tears. I had to walk away. Then I sat in silence. After the kids went to bed. After I shut off the tv. After I climbed the stairs. After I sat down at my desk. I thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought about my day. Who I talked to. What I said. How I felt. I remembered that I talked about the way that person looked. Or what that person said. Or what that person believed. Or how that person faced their day. And then I thought.

Who am I to judge them?

Am I perfect? Without flaws?

Does their presence affect who I am and what I believe?

Then I realized, that I was no better than they were. I am no better than the person who looks down on everyone. I am no better than the person who doesn't care about their job. I am no better than the person sucking up to the boss. I am no better than the person who yelled at someone else. I am no better than the person who spread gossip. I am no better than the person who lied. I am no better than the person who I was thinking about, talking about, or looking down upon.

I cannot judge others because I don't know them. They fight battles, physically or mentally, that I know nothing about.

I have flaws. I have committed the same "crimes" as them. I can do better than I did yesterday.

In the long run, they don't matter. They don't change who I am. What I stand for. What I believe. Why I wake up in the morning. They don't live my life and shouldn't play a major role in it.

"Everything that has happened to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to prevent you from growing...You get to choose." Wayne Dyer

Today was hard. But, today I chose to love my kids. I chose to become a better mom, a better teacher, a better student, a better me. Today was hard, but I chose to remember that if a boy in a wheelchair can make you laugh through their pain, if a child with cancer can come into school with a smile on his face, if a single mother can lift her grown son out of bed, I can keep pushing past the physical and emotional pain. Today was hard, but I chose to leave the gossip. The judgement. The petty feelings. Because I am better than that! Today was hard, but I chose this path that I am on. I love this path that I am on. I change the lives of children and families even if those changes are small. I reach for those flawless moments where I get a 100 on my paper. Where I make my son laugh. Where I watch my daughter make new friends. Where I become a better person.

Today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. Because it wasn't today and I choose to be better than I was yesterday.

"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't work, just take another shot." Unknown