It's been a while, but lately something has been weighing on my shoulders and I need to push some of the weight off... And I say it's been weighing on my shoulders because the usual phrase "weighing on my mind" doesn't quite fit. I honestly feel a tremendous pressure is on my shoulders and not admitting what I am about to say has been dragging me down with the discomfort and conflicting feelings that are figurative weights on my shoulders.
Maybe this post won't be the same sentiments that you have. Maybe this post will upset you. Or cause you to judge me. Maybe it will resonate with something deep inside of you. Or maybe it will be a waste of your time. I cannot tell you how to feel, but I can say "Don't be a dick". Keep your comments of hurt and unwanted advice to yourself, especially after reading the content of this page.
As a woman, I am judged for everything I do or do not do. If I have children, I am judged for how many I have and how I raise them. If I do not have children, I am judged for not having a nurturing personality. If I get married, then I am judged for how quickly it came about, how extravagant my wedding was, and how much I pamper my husband. If I do not get married, then I am judged for being single or neglecting what is expected of me in a relationship.
As a woman, I am judged for how curvy I am, how skinny I look, or my lack/abundance of my chest size. I am judged for what I wear; how much of it, how little of it, or how much I spent on it. I am judged for my work performance; what my role should be, how much I am paid, and where I choose to work. I am judged for being jealous, needy, proud, aggressive, or meek. I am judged for my chemical make-up; if I am angry, sad, happy, or touchy, then I am on my period. I am judged for every single thing that I do or do not do.
Being a woman is hard. But, genes, right? I am a woman so I go on living my life. I have curves (or rather bumps and stretch marks). I have a less than stellar chest size. I chose to get married to an older man at a young age. I chose to become a mom at a young age and I chose to have two children. I chose to become a preschool teacher and become a perpetual student. I am much more confident than I was in the past, but still get emotional over commercials and words people say to me. I have a small group of friends I adore and a family who loves me. I can be a bitch. I can be sweet. I am a woman... hear me roar and all that comes with it.
However, thanks to unspoken societal rules and unfair judgments by the powers that be, being a woman can be hard. Which is why I think it is excruciating to admit when I need help. It physically hurts and gives me so much anxiety to admit that my life isn't perfect and that I cannot do something. And I know so many other women feel the same way, especially mothers.
Let's talk about motherhood. I became a mom at the ripe old age of 21. I was married and excited and instantly fell in love with my daughter. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and it was just like the movies and stories describe; every sound she made caused me to smile, every breath she took was carefully measured by my eyes, and there are still no words to describe the joy of hearing a first cry, laugh, or coo. I was over the moon! But, no one talks about the other side of becoming a mom.
Physically and emotionally, it is DRAINING. Physically, your body immediately begins to try and "right" itself from pregnancy; the hormones come flooding with a vengeance, your body is left flabby and stretched out and everything hurts regardless of whether you had a vaginal or c-section birth. Your sleep schedule changes; you get little to no sleep and are left dragging yourself around in a constant state of confusion. Emotionally, you are drained because it hits you that you are fully responsible for the care and well-being of a tiny, helpless human being. While it is joyous and beautiful, it is also overwhelming; there are now doctor visits to think about, bathing routines that need to be adjusted, feeding schedules, and thoughts about head positioning during carrying and sleeping hours.
But life still goes on.
There are bills to be paid, maternity leave (if you are EXTREMELY lucky to have it) to calculate, dishes to be washed, and laundry to fold and put away. Houses that need to be dusted and cleaned. Dinners that need to be cooked and family visits to be made.
It is horribly overwhelming.
And because society believes that new moms are perfect creatures and should cherish every moment, many moms find it so HARD to ask for help or say that every moment it not perfect. It is hard to admit that you don't fit the perfect mold as a mom. That while you love your child, life with a baby and as a family is hard to adjust to. Which is why I spent the first few weeks of motherhood crying my eyes out.
It was the most beautiful and most awful time of my life. I found it difficult to adjust to the lack of sleep, I was scared to death to be left alone with a baby that a few days before I didn't know how to burp or feed or change. I was terrified that hiccups would be the end of the world. Or that I wasn't holding my baby in the right position and she would end up with a flat spot. I caught the baby blues really bad. And it was because it's taboo to talk about not being perfect...it's taboo to ask for help because becoming a mother should be the most precious thing to happen in your life.
But so many women let their baby blues go on for a long time or they don't admit that they have trouble adjusting and need help. They get postpartum depression. They find it hard to talk to their partner about it. They find it hard to approach the doctor. They find it hard to ask for help. Because society expects us to be perfect moms and so in love and to bounce back with a perfect figure just a few weeks later. As women we are judged for every time we ask for help and for every time we don't live up to expectations. This can be especially true for mothers.
I eventually settled into motherhood and shook off the baby blues. And by the time I had my son, I was able to adjust much better. I knew to ask for help. I knew that I couldn't be super mom and that the dishes, laundry, and cleaning could wait. I knew to cherish the little moments and ask others to step in when I just needed a break. It got better.
But, lately I have had a few conversations with friends. And I realized that being a woman is still hard... It still comes with judgment and a sense of trepidation when asking for help or when admitting that we cannot do something.
Recently I have had a lot of family issues. My brother is sick. Really sick. Sorry if you are reading this FH, but it is incredibly hard to watch someone who called you "four eyes" throughout middle and high school, who threw food at you at the dinner table, and who used to talk through every movie and t.v. show, deteriorate and change every single time you see them. It's hard to watch them sleep the whole day away, or be in so much pain that they can barely make complete sentences, that their body is an empty shell of what it has been. It sucks...
I am also facing my own health issues. I spent four days in the hospital two and a half weeks at home recuperating with a diagnosis of Lyme Disease. It attacked my nervous system and caused my neck muscles to be profoundly weak on my left side of my body, it caused my joints to swell, and it took away all of my reflexes in my foot. I am much better than those first days in the hospital, but it's been a long road.
And what hurts me the most is that people say, "You look GREAT" or "You seem like you are doing better". Ugh. I appreciate the sentiment, but it makes me cringe every time someone says that. Because right now I am battling an invisible illness. I look great on the outside, but my body is hurting on the inside where no one can see... My muscles tremble, my hands and knuckles are so swollen that I cannot hold a paperback book, my knee is retaining so much water and the pressure is so intense that I fell down the stairs last week... My body feels like it is constantly in a state of fighting off the flu....the body and muscle aches rival those that accompany a 104 fever. Sometimes I have headaches and tingling in my toes and fingers. Some nights I cry myself to sleep after tossing and turning for about an hour because my joints are so uncomfortable in every position. I can barely pick up my son or run around the yard to play with my kids.
All of this is happening and I barely complain. Because society says I have to put on a brave face...get perfect grades as a Grad student, play with my kids non-stop as a mom, cook and clean as a wife, and put in 110% as a teacher. Ugh...
I have been feeling like this for the past several months and I am scared to DEATH to push the publish button because I know that someone, somewhere is going to judge me. They are gonna say, "She is just seeking attention and wants someone to praise her" or "She is neglecting her kids because she says motherhood isn't always perfect" or "She is just milking her diagnosis. I know someone who got Lyme and they were fine in just a few days" or "No wonder why she looks like shit lately. She is ruining her life". I know that the judgments are gonna flood in because being a woman is hard... There is always someone who is dictating what I can or cannot do. What I can or cannot feel. What I can or cannot say. What I can or cannot write. What I can or cannot admit. What I can or cannot ask for help.
Or worse. People are gonna say "You are an excellent mom" or "I could never tell that you were struggling" or "Look how far you have come" or "Wow. You are so strong" or "You can pull through". Ugh. While the intentions are nice, they are sometimes just as tough to swallow as the judgments.
Because when you reach that point, you know you are a good mom. You know you have made it this far and everyone is still alive and you can make it through the day. You know that life will continue to go on and that you put your best effort forward. You know that there are circumstances beyond your control and everything happens for a reason.
But what I really want moving forward, aren't the sympathy comments. Or the judgments. What I want moving forward are the moments where you stop judging. Where it's okay for women to admit that they need help or for them to admit that right now, they don't feel as strong as they look. What I want is for women to admit that they got the baby blues or postpartum depression without feeling the guilt that accompanies such an admission. What I want is for women to say that they need a break from motherhood or life for a few hours because they need a refresh. What I want is for women to embrace their bodies and to not have to worry about their friend, lover, or a stranger saying that they aren't enough. What I want is for women to admit everything I said and more without being judged by society, by their friends, by their family members, or by their co-workers.
What I want is for everyone to breath a sigh of relief when they push that weight of judgment off their shoulders.
Writing is good for the soul and my soul can speak volumes.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Saturday, January 7, 2017
A Little Unsteady
A few years ago I got a tattoo with one of my best friends. It was my birthday present to her and also a gift to myself. It's a phrase that we continually say to one another; whenever we are upset, or happy, or when something doesn't happen quite the way we expected. We have been saying the same thing to one another through life's ups and downs for ten years. In fact, we believe in the phrase so much that we got the tattoo inked on our forearms so we could see it everyday as a reminder to ourselves; as a way to get through all those moments that we couldn't understand.
Over the past two years, I have looked at this tattoo numerous times. It's gorgeous. The script is elegant. It makes me feel like I have someone on my side no matter what, even if they aren't by my physical side. Whenever I am upset, I just have to look at my arm and suddenly a big problem doesn't weigh as much as it did moments before. It's become a mantra that I have chanted through my mind when I faced a difficult day at work, when my family was entering uncharted territory, and when I just couldn't figure out a "good enough" answer. It's provided a lot of comfort...
Until recently...
Recently, I was faced with an easy decision and an impossible outcome. It was a situation that will forever stay with me. One that will influence my career and personal decisions in the future. One that makes me feel heartbroken and hollow on the inside. One that I never thought I would be directly affected by. A situation that I had heard about and thought, "That would never happen to me" or "I would never have to play that big of a role". A situation that I want to simultaneously erase from my mind and permanently hold onto with all my might.
It's something that makes me think the quote on my arm is wrong...
Maybe not wrong. But maybe it's not as big of a saving grace as I thought it was. Maybe I held onto the concept of the quote with such reverence that I never questioned what would happen when I couldn't find an answer. I guess I never understood the power thoughts and words could hold over someone. What would happen if the words weren't strong enough to hold up to my expectations? What if instead of making me stronger, they made me weaker? What if they made me hold life's questions up to an unattainable answer?
What happens when your beliefs crumble?
My whole life I have believed in a few concepts that I refuse to let go. Concepts that I have learned through hard life lessons and personal experiences that influenced the steps I took towards my personal and professional lives. These concepts have been proven true to me time and time again by the actions of others and myself. Although they may not be the beliefs of others, I still firmly believe in them...or at least I did...
One concept is regret.
Regret is a wasted emotion. Or perhaps it's a wasted state of living. Regretting a decision, words spoken, or actions taken cannot change the past. Life doesn't move backwards. No day is the same. Therefore, living with regret will only eat up your future. It will only negatively impact your outlook on life, the relationships you weave on a daily basis, and the internal thoughts that course through your mind throughout the day. Regret only leads to hurt. It doesn't make you a better person. Living through the impacts of your actions, words, and thoughts are the only thing that can be changed. Moving on from what occurred and trying to be a better person the next time is the only way to combat those negative emotions associated with regret. Changing the future is easy; you just have to try.
Another concept is that people don't change.
Although this may be a controversial thought, it's still one that I firmly believe. People don't change, they only become more of who they were or they substitute their emotions/actions/thoughts for another idea. For example, in my last post, I discussed how I am proud of myself. I have become more outspoken, I have learned to love myself, and I have succeed in my professional and personal goals. That doesn't mean I am a different person or that I have changed. It means that I had all that potential and never acted upon it. It means that I let myself become more of who I truly am on the inside. Or let's think about the concept of people never changing in terms of addiction. I believe an addict can quit and they can turn their life around and become better at living. But, often they replace that addiction with another one. Perhaps it's "GOD", or the Steps Program, or smoking, or eating, or becoming healthy, or even adding a new relationship to the mix. Plus, the addiction is always there. It is a struggle they constantly deal with. I commend those who have recovered because it's not an easy thing to do. And many people fail at trying to overcome their addictions. But deep down, there is always that addictive personality. That need for something more. I know because I also have an addictive personality. I have been around addicts my entire life. I've seen their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. I get it. But, bottom line: people don't change. We just see who they really are or they show us.
But now, I doubt myself. Maybe my beliefs aren't that strong.
One situation can change your entire outlook on life. It can leave lasting impressions. It can make you doubt your chosen path and the future. One situation can lead to so much more. It can make you look at the power of words and thoughts and question how much power should be given to those concepts. One situation.
One situation has made me look at the quote on my arm and question everything. I don't have the answers anymore. Looking down at my arm is not the solution it once was...
The quote on my arm reads:
"Everything happens for a reason"
Over the past two years, I have looked at this tattoo numerous times. It's gorgeous. The script is elegant. It makes me feel like I have someone on my side no matter what, even if they aren't by my physical side. Whenever I am upset, I just have to look at my arm and suddenly a big problem doesn't weigh as much as it did moments before. It's become a mantra that I have chanted through my mind when I faced a difficult day at work, when my family was entering uncharted territory, and when I just couldn't figure out a "good enough" answer. It's provided a lot of comfort...
Until recently...
Recently, I was faced with an easy decision and an impossible outcome. It was a situation that will forever stay with me. One that will influence my career and personal decisions in the future. One that makes me feel heartbroken and hollow on the inside. One that I never thought I would be directly affected by. A situation that I had heard about and thought, "That would never happen to me" or "I would never have to play that big of a role". A situation that I want to simultaneously erase from my mind and permanently hold onto with all my might.
It's something that makes me think the quote on my arm is wrong...
Maybe not wrong. But maybe it's not as big of a saving grace as I thought it was. Maybe I held onto the concept of the quote with such reverence that I never questioned what would happen when I couldn't find an answer. I guess I never understood the power thoughts and words could hold over someone. What would happen if the words weren't strong enough to hold up to my expectations? What if instead of making me stronger, they made me weaker? What if they made me hold life's questions up to an unattainable answer?
What happens when your beliefs crumble?
My whole life I have believed in a few concepts that I refuse to let go. Concepts that I have learned through hard life lessons and personal experiences that influenced the steps I took towards my personal and professional lives. These concepts have been proven true to me time and time again by the actions of others and myself. Although they may not be the beliefs of others, I still firmly believe in them...or at least I did...
One concept is regret.
Regret is a wasted emotion. Or perhaps it's a wasted state of living. Regretting a decision, words spoken, or actions taken cannot change the past. Life doesn't move backwards. No day is the same. Therefore, living with regret will only eat up your future. It will only negatively impact your outlook on life, the relationships you weave on a daily basis, and the internal thoughts that course through your mind throughout the day. Regret only leads to hurt. It doesn't make you a better person. Living through the impacts of your actions, words, and thoughts are the only thing that can be changed. Moving on from what occurred and trying to be a better person the next time is the only way to combat those negative emotions associated with regret. Changing the future is easy; you just have to try.
Another concept is that people don't change.
Although this may be a controversial thought, it's still one that I firmly believe. People don't change, they only become more of who they were or they substitute their emotions/actions/thoughts for another idea. For example, in my last post, I discussed how I am proud of myself. I have become more outspoken, I have learned to love myself, and I have succeed in my professional and personal goals. That doesn't mean I am a different person or that I have changed. It means that I had all that potential and never acted upon it. It means that I let myself become more of who I truly am on the inside. Or let's think about the concept of people never changing in terms of addiction. I believe an addict can quit and they can turn their life around and become better at living. But, often they replace that addiction with another one. Perhaps it's "GOD", or the Steps Program, or smoking, or eating, or becoming healthy, or even adding a new relationship to the mix. Plus, the addiction is always there. It is a struggle they constantly deal with. I commend those who have recovered because it's not an easy thing to do. And many people fail at trying to overcome their addictions. But deep down, there is always that addictive personality. That need for something more. I know because I also have an addictive personality. I have been around addicts my entire life. I've seen their struggles and the outcomes of those struggles. I get it. But, bottom line: people don't change. We just see who they really are or they show us.
But now, I doubt myself. Maybe my beliefs aren't that strong.
One situation can change your entire outlook on life. It can leave lasting impressions. It can make you doubt your chosen path and the future. One situation can lead to so much more. It can make you look at the power of words and thoughts and question how much power should be given to those concepts. One situation.
One situation has made me look at the quote on my arm and question everything. I don't have the answers anymore. Looking down at my arm is not the solution it once was...
The quote on my arm reads:
"Everything happens for a reason"
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Reflections for the Proud
The beginning of a new year is always a time for reflection for a lot of people. They review the goals they accomplished over the year. Or the goals they forgot about along the way. They think about loves lost and gained. They reflect on who they are as a person and who they want to "become". They think about regrets, mistakes, and moments that could've happened, but didn't. They remember those they lost through death or through life's obstacles. They look to the new year for a fresh start...to redeem themselves, to move forward, or to gain control.
At the beginning of the new year, I engage in these thoughts and activities as well. As the new year rolls forward, I am focused on reflecting on a blog post, and a subsequent promise, I made to myself almost one year ago.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let others define me. I wouldn't let them take control of my life and dictate who I was as a person, as a teacher, as a friend, as a lover, or as a student. I promised myself I would remember the lessons I learned the previous year and I would move forward as a woman who stood up for herself. A woman who remembered who she was as a person and who wouldn't let others lose sight of that. Looking back across the year, reflecting on each move I made and everything I said, I know that I remembered who I was as a person. I not only didn't let others define myself, I defined myself a little more clearly.
This past year, I became a better me. Or rather, I realized that I really like who I am.
I'm proud of myself for speaking up. This past year, I spoke against those who created injustice, not just for myself, but for the littlest hearts of our world. I refused to put up with hurtful words, degrading politics, and harmful practices. I let my voice be known and I refused to back down. I fought for myself. I fought for what I thought needed to be changed. I stood up and refused to sit back down until someone heard what I had to say. Not only did I accomplish my goals, with a little help from people in the right places and determined cohorts on my side, but I did it with grace. I did it without stooping to the level of pettiness I experienced. I spoke up with a clear voice that spoke with honesty and without bias. I spoke with grace, heart, and without fear.
I am so proud of myself for finding my voice.
I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my academic and professional goals. This past year (and then some) was incredibly difficult for myself professionally and academically. I went through unbelievable change that made me doubt my chosen career path. A change that brought new pettiness to light and also new alliances. I went through hurt and pain at the expense of others words and actions. I also lost myself a little bit along the way and found that I can't always have perfect scores (a surprisingly difficult concept to swallow) and achieve the small goals. I tested my willpower, my ability to remain mentally prepared each day, and the concept of surviving on a few hours of sleep. But in the end, I accomplished the big goals. I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Child Studies with the status of being a member of the Alpha Chi Honor Society and a diploma that reads Magna Cum Laude. I also attended professional development conferences and persevered through harmful learning situations to become a more confident teacher.
I am so proud of myself for reaching my goals.
I'm proud of myself for learning to love myself. When I was in high school, I hated who I was. I thought I was too fat. I used to throw up my food because I didn't look like the beautiful people at school and the actresses on t.v. I thought I was unlovable. I used to analyze every square inch of my body...inside and out. I saw so much acne, stretch marks, hideous feet, an emotionally damaged soul that was incapable of being repaired. I thought I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, daughter, or girlfriend. I struggled for such a long time trying to overcome extreme social anxiety, self-doubt, and dangerous behaviors. I honestly saw no worth in who I was. In fact, this continued for a long time...well into my twenties. But, now... I look down and see my stretch marks. I can count all the dimples in my thighs, stomach, and butt that are a result of cellulite. I see the scars from years of acne and see more bouts of it pop up every few weeks. I wave my arms and resemble a bird taking flight due to the extra little bit of weight in my upper arms. I have what I refer to as a fanny pack...a slight pouch gained from pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. I see lots of imperfections. I know some of it can be improved and tightened with a good diet and some exercise. But, then I remember what all those marks, scars, and curves mean.
They mean that I gave birth to two beautiful children and I was too busy caring for them, loving them, and remaining in the moment to care about getting rid of the fanny pack. They represent those moments where I indulged in a late night food fest with great friends or moments of pure sugar-induced bliss with people who mean the world to me. They stand for the ridiculous nights where I laughed too hard, danced too much, and loved enough. They represent the times of stress I endured and overcome to become a better mother, daughter, wife, student, teacher, and friend. They also remind me that I am not going to have the perfect body. I was born with whatever genes were given to me by my family. I make choices everyday that impact my body and personality. I wear each mark, curve, scar, and imperfection proudly. I love my personality and my body. I am a good person inside and out and I came to truly understand that this year.
I am so proud to finally be happy in my skin.
The start of a new year is definitely time for reflection. This year I constantly reflected back on who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, as a wife, as a teacher, and as a friend. I learned from my past lessons and became a stronger person. But, there are still so many lessons to learned and reflected upon.
I know that 2017 will be full of hard decisions. Learning how to let go. Accepting help. Remembering who I can trust and who is there to support me. Trying to find a way to get past the hurtful words, the people who cannot learn to love themselves, and struggling to set a good example. Finding out how to accomplish my personal and academic goals. Learning new skills. Understanding how to be loved and how to love in return. Accepting situations I cannot change. Living under the notion that everything happens for a reason. Embrace the fact there are people in my life who are not meant to be carried into the future. And relishing in the fact that there are those who will always be a constant source of strength. But, I am ready for all of this and more.
Because I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of overcoming the impossible situations. I am proud of loving my body and personality. I am proud to be outspoken. I am proud of myself.
At the beginning of the new year, I engage in these thoughts and activities as well. As the new year rolls forward, I am focused on reflecting on a blog post, and a subsequent promise, I made to myself almost one year ago.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let others define me. I wouldn't let them take control of my life and dictate who I was as a person, as a teacher, as a friend, as a lover, or as a student. I promised myself I would remember the lessons I learned the previous year and I would move forward as a woman who stood up for herself. A woman who remembered who she was as a person and who wouldn't let others lose sight of that. Looking back across the year, reflecting on each move I made and everything I said, I know that I remembered who I was as a person. I not only didn't let others define myself, I defined myself a little more clearly.
This past year, I became a better me. Or rather, I realized that I really like who I am.
I'm proud of myself for speaking up. This past year, I spoke against those who created injustice, not just for myself, but for the littlest hearts of our world. I refused to put up with hurtful words, degrading politics, and harmful practices. I let my voice be known and I refused to back down. I fought for myself. I fought for what I thought needed to be changed. I stood up and refused to sit back down until someone heard what I had to say. Not only did I accomplish my goals, with a little help from people in the right places and determined cohorts on my side, but I did it with grace. I did it without stooping to the level of pettiness I experienced. I spoke up with a clear voice that spoke with honesty and without bias. I spoke with grace, heart, and without fear.
I am so proud of myself for finding my voice.
I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my academic and professional goals. This past year (and then some) was incredibly difficult for myself professionally and academically. I went through unbelievable change that made me doubt my chosen career path. A change that brought new pettiness to light and also new alliances. I went through hurt and pain at the expense of others words and actions. I also lost myself a little bit along the way and found that I can't always have perfect scores (a surprisingly difficult concept to swallow) and achieve the small goals. I tested my willpower, my ability to remain mentally prepared each day, and the concept of surviving on a few hours of sleep. But in the end, I accomplished the big goals. I graduated with my Bachelors Degree in Child Studies with the status of being a member of the Alpha Chi Honor Society and a diploma that reads Magna Cum Laude. I also attended professional development conferences and persevered through harmful learning situations to become a more confident teacher.
I am so proud of myself for reaching my goals.
I'm proud of myself for learning to love myself. When I was in high school, I hated who I was. I thought I was too fat. I used to throw up my food because I didn't look like the beautiful people at school and the actresses on t.v. I thought I was unlovable. I used to analyze every square inch of my body...inside and out. I saw so much acne, stretch marks, hideous feet, an emotionally damaged soul that was incapable of being repaired. I thought I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, daughter, or girlfriend. I struggled for such a long time trying to overcome extreme social anxiety, self-doubt, and dangerous behaviors. I honestly saw no worth in who I was. In fact, this continued for a long time...well into my twenties. But, now... I look down and see my stretch marks. I can count all the dimples in my thighs, stomach, and butt that are a result of cellulite. I see the scars from years of acne and see more bouts of it pop up every few weeks. I wave my arms and resemble a bird taking flight due to the extra little bit of weight in my upper arms. I have what I refer to as a fanny pack...a slight pouch gained from pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. I see lots of imperfections. I know some of it can be improved and tightened with a good diet and some exercise. But, then I remember what all those marks, scars, and curves mean.
They mean that I gave birth to two beautiful children and I was too busy caring for them, loving them, and remaining in the moment to care about getting rid of the fanny pack. They represent those moments where I indulged in a late night food fest with great friends or moments of pure sugar-induced bliss with people who mean the world to me. They stand for the ridiculous nights where I laughed too hard, danced too much, and loved enough. They represent the times of stress I endured and overcome to become a better mother, daughter, wife, student, teacher, and friend. They also remind me that I am not going to have the perfect body. I was born with whatever genes were given to me by my family. I make choices everyday that impact my body and personality. I wear each mark, curve, scar, and imperfection proudly. I love my personality and my body. I am a good person inside and out and I came to truly understand that this year.
I am so proud to finally be happy in my skin.
The start of a new year is definitely time for reflection. This year I constantly reflected back on who I was as a person, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister, as a wife, as a teacher, and as a friend. I learned from my past lessons and became a stronger person. But, there are still so many lessons to learned and reflected upon.
I know that 2017 will be full of hard decisions. Learning how to let go. Accepting help. Remembering who I can trust and who is there to support me. Trying to find a way to get past the hurtful words, the people who cannot learn to love themselves, and struggling to set a good example. Finding out how to accomplish my personal and academic goals. Learning new skills. Understanding how to be loved and how to love in return. Accepting situations I cannot change. Living under the notion that everything happens for a reason. Embrace the fact there are people in my life who are not meant to be carried into the future. And relishing in the fact that there are those who will always be a constant source of strength. But, I am ready for all of this and more.
Because I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of overcoming the impossible situations. I am proud of loving my body and personality. I am proud to be outspoken. I am proud of myself.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
"In a world where you can be anything, be KIND"
As per the usual, this blog comes with a warning. But just because of the content of this particular blog, I shall present you with two warnings.
First fair warning: This blog contains political content. The political content is not meant to change your personal opinion or state that the reader is wrong for their beliefs; it only serves the purpose of my own personal thoughts.
Second fairer warning: This blog contains all my personal thoughts. No one is encouraging me to write this post. I honestly have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and they just need to come out to help me "heal" and to give the readers of this blog some food for thought. I also have to include in this second warning, that I have been thinking about this for a while and that perhaps my thoughts might be a little rambling, so please excuse the semi-organized chaos. Although, you are reading a blog with the title "Always rambling with nothing to say".
I strongly encourage the readers of this blog to read my last post due to the fact that this is most definitely related. Or please, read a newspaper because this country just had an election. An election that was held after the most hateful, tumultuous, anxious political campaign that most people have ever experienced in their lives. An election that showed the clear, and disheartening, divide among our American citizens. An election that resulted in Donald Trump as the presidential-elect of the United States of America. An election that made me cry and feel anxious for several days after. An election that still feels like a personal, and perhaps, national nightmare for myself and many others.
I am going to be completely honest and say that I never saw this coming. I truly did not believe that our country could elect a racist, xenophobic, womanizing, reality show host to lead our country for the next four years. Although those words seem long and a cliche for many individuals now, they are my honest opinion. Throughout his lifetime (forget about the words, speeches, and televised statements that were made during the election), president-elect Donald Trump has insulted huge groups of individuals. He has made vulgar, demeaning comments towards women (many of them made public) and derogatory remarks about minorities, immigrants, and those with special needs. He even insulted veterans who had/have PTSD saying that they were too weak and that's why they are experiencing their symptoms. He has threatened to take away many of our rights (including reproductive rights) and overturn many of the laws and acts that were put into place from the President Obama administration over the past eight years. He has bankrupted himself and his company many times, yet he promises to put more money back into our economy, which feels like a true statement of contradiction. He wants to build a wall for immigrants which would undermine the entire foundation of our country; in addition to the wall and its reinforcement costing millions of taxpayer dollars, 90% of us would not be here today if our ancestors did not IMMIGRATE into this country many years ago. Honestly, I could list countless other reasons why president-elect Trump's term in office is potentially catastrophic for this country, but I choose to stop here.
I understand that many of these potential policies are going to have to pass through the House and Senate before they are even considered to be a valid option. I also understand the fact that Donald Trump is not the only individual to make horrible choices and decisions throughout his life and campaign run. Hillary Clinton is definitely not an angel and she has a list of statements and choices that I personal do not condone. I understand that no one is perfect. Hell, on a daily basis I have "resting bitch face", I tend to judge others too quick, and I hold grudges. I have done my fair share of horrible decision making and faced potential regrets. No one is proud of 100% of everything they have said, done, or haven't had the opportunity to do. I understand that we don't know what a Donald Trump presidency would consist of; he might surprise us all. Even though I seriously doubt that...
What does scare me and what I can honestly say for certain, is that this hateful election, the aftermath of experiencing months and years of hate, has resulted in disastrous social consequences. Ones that I fear are only going to get worse over the next several months and years unless we as American citizens acknowledge what is happening in our country and try to be better people.
Since the announcement of Donald Trump's election results, America has seen an outpouring of racist, demeaning, and overall nasty comments and actions. Swastikas promoting "white pride" have been painted on public buildings, students have been wearing "black face" to scare away the "black population", individuals have been attacked on college campuses for wearing hijabs, women have been scared to walk to their cars, and countless racial slurs and taunts have been written across bathrooms, public stalls, and even people's cars. But that's only a small amount of incidents. Those are only the acts that have been committed by "Trump supporters". Although Trump has said that he doesn't welcome those individuals who committed these acts into the Republican party and he doesn't condone what they have done, they did happened. But, it's not just "white supremacists" who have engaged in these hateful acts. Those who were supporting Trump and his political views have been victims following the election as well; they have been beaten during rallies and protests, they have been called racist and have experienced hateful crimes, and they have been made to feel like their views and their personalities are "wrong" just for voting in the election. In fact, a friend on Facebook described some of the hate she experienced and the racial comments that she received from those who she considered friends were disgusting. Just because she voted for Trump she became an enemy. And she isn't the only one to experience these words and actions.
Even on social media, I have been astounded by the amount of hate and ridiculous memes that have emerged since the Trump win on Tuesday. I have seen memes stating that those who were protesting Trump could afford to go to rallies since "they are lazy, don't work, and receive state benefits". I have also seen the meme of a woman crying stating "Trump is gonna make me work for my benefits". There have been countless others, but these are truly personal and aggravating to me.
First of all, just because people didn't vote for Trump, doesn't mean that they don't work and that they are receiving state benefits. Second, some people honestly need those benefits to survive and they have done everything they could before relying on those services provided by the government. Are there people who cheat the system? Yes. Are their people who receive benefits and don't care? Yes. But there are also those hard working people, like myself and others, who have been in positions where we worked our asses off at our minimum wage jobs and where our husbands lost their jobs and applied for everything under the sun and still didn't find anything. We had no choice but to rely on state benefits to carry us through until we could find something better. By assuming and passing along these memes and hateful words, you are perpetuating the hate and possibly hurting others who had no choice but to rely on assistance and feel ashamed for that fact.
Writing and describing these acts and words honestly leaves me on the brink of tears. How could our society be so hateful? How could we demean and categorize individuals for their beliefs and how could we perpetuate hate when we are all American citizens? Why does this feel like we are stepping back into the era of segregation? Running towards a future that places hate above love? That places individual's rights and beliefs over the good of a country?
Martin Luther King Jr. stated, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."
So, I ask, no matter what your view. Choose love instead of hate. Choose light instead of darkness. Choose a path that not only benefits your beliefs, but also reinforces the ideals that this country was founded upon. Choose to drive out what you believe is wrong without hurting those in your path. Choose to set an example rather than following the examples of others. Choose to think for yourself instead of following the individuals who repost and "jump on the bandwagon". Choose to be the person that you want your children, your students, your family, the younger generation to follow. Choose to support instead of abandoning those who need you the most. Choose to volunteer rather than being passive in your choices. Choose differently.
After Tuesday, I was running on little sleep and I was feeling depressed and disheartened. I didn't have a smile to give and I felt angry at our country for getting it "so wrong". But instead of acting on my hate, instead of turning this into a "me versus them" argument, I chose kindness. I purchased my bagel and coffee and then I also passed along a $5 gift card. The woman behind me, kept it going and passed it along to the next customer. I say this not to receive acknowledge for my "good deed", but to say it's possible to choose kindness.
In a world where there is so much hate and so much bitterness, why do I need to hate Trump supporters too. Why do I need to bring others down to support my own views? We do not live in an "eye for an eye" society. Therefore, we need to make a difference if we want others to hear our voice and if we want others to make a difference too.
Martin Luther King Jr. also stated, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way".
So I ask everyone to do something small. If you see someone who is experiencing a moment of great sadness, offer them a hand or a hug. If you see someone who is being targeted for a hate crime, stand by them and let them know you don't stand for intolerance. If you see an individual on the street in rags and tatters, buy them a warm blanket or a hot meal. If you see an elderly man or woman who cannot hold the door and push their shopping cart out, hold the door. If you hear about a friend who went through a bad breakup, let them know you are there to listen. If you do not feel comfortable taking a stand in government, speaking up, or standing out, then commit a random, small act of kindness. It could make a huge difference.
If you feel like taking a bigger stand, get involved. Donate to a charity that you believe in. Volunteer at a local food bank or homeless shelter. Look for minority organizations and see how you can support them with time or money. Lend money to Planned Parenthood if you fear for your reproductive rights. Write your Senator, State Representative, or Governor if you think funding should be allocated towards a specific cause (such as education or the arts). Sign a petition to protest laws and acts that you have no tolerance for and then continue to advocate for those groups and rights. Sit in on a local or state government meeting and find out what is happening in your community.
STOP WEARING SAFETY PINS, and start making your voice heard. Although the idea of a safety pin is a nice thought, it is meant as a patch for our own personal feelings. The only thing a safety pin is holding together and representing, is ourselves. We need to think beyond our own feelings and start broadening our view.
Don't fear the Trump presidency, just ensure that your voice is heard and start ensuring that our future as a country is not in jeopardy.
And lastly, I will leave you with two pieces of information...
First, before everyone starts thinking that I am on a high horse and that I am just spewing random words and that I don't take my own advice, slow your role. I am actively involved in local politics (I have personal contributed time and money to the recent elections). I am also a member of several women and education advocacy groups due to the fact that they represent causes that I firmly believe in. And I have written to the Attorney General and State Representatives many times in the past to let my voice be heard about issues that I found to be unacceptable. So, yes I firmly believe everything that I have said.
Second, please remember this quote:
"In a world where you can be anything, be KIND".
*Final note: Not sure where the last quote came from. Sorry for not citing my source here.
First fair warning: This blog contains political content. The political content is not meant to change your personal opinion or state that the reader is wrong for their beliefs; it only serves the purpose of my own personal thoughts.
Second fairer warning: This blog contains all my personal thoughts. No one is encouraging me to write this post. I honestly have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and they just need to come out to help me "heal" and to give the readers of this blog some food for thought. I also have to include in this second warning, that I have been thinking about this for a while and that perhaps my thoughts might be a little rambling, so please excuse the semi-organized chaos. Although, you are reading a blog with the title "Always rambling with nothing to say".
I strongly encourage the readers of this blog to read my last post due to the fact that this is most definitely related. Or please, read a newspaper because this country just had an election. An election that was held after the most hateful, tumultuous, anxious political campaign that most people have ever experienced in their lives. An election that showed the clear, and disheartening, divide among our American citizens. An election that resulted in Donald Trump as the presidential-elect of the United States of America. An election that made me cry and feel anxious for several days after. An election that still feels like a personal, and perhaps, national nightmare for myself and many others.
I am going to be completely honest and say that I never saw this coming. I truly did not believe that our country could elect a racist, xenophobic, womanizing, reality show host to lead our country for the next four years. Although those words seem long and a cliche for many individuals now, they are my honest opinion. Throughout his lifetime (forget about the words, speeches, and televised statements that were made during the election), president-elect Donald Trump has insulted huge groups of individuals. He has made vulgar, demeaning comments towards women (many of them made public) and derogatory remarks about minorities, immigrants, and those with special needs. He even insulted veterans who had/have PTSD saying that they were too weak and that's why they are experiencing their symptoms. He has threatened to take away many of our rights (including reproductive rights) and overturn many of the laws and acts that were put into place from the President Obama administration over the past eight years. He has bankrupted himself and his company many times, yet he promises to put more money back into our economy, which feels like a true statement of contradiction. He wants to build a wall for immigrants which would undermine the entire foundation of our country; in addition to the wall and its reinforcement costing millions of taxpayer dollars, 90% of us would not be here today if our ancestors did not IMMIGRATE into this country many years ago. Honestly, I could list countless other reasons why president-elect Trump's term in office is potentially catastrophic for this country, but I choose to stop here.
I understand that many of these potential policies are going to have to pass through the House and Senate before they are even considered to be a valid option. I also understand the fact that Donald Trump is not the only individual to make horrible choices and decisions throughout his life and campaign run. Hillary Clinton is definitely not an angel and she has a list of statements and choices that I personal do not condone. I understand that no one is perfect. Hell, on a daily basis I have "resting bitch face", I tend to judge others too quick, and I hold grudges. I have done my fair share of horrible decision making and faced potential regrets. No one is proud of 100% of everything they have said, done, or haven't had the opportunity to do. I understand that we don't know what a Donald Trump presidency would consist of; he might surprise us all. Even though I seriously doubt that...
What does scare me and what I can honestly say for certain, is that this hateful election, the aftermath of experiencing months and years of hate, has resulted in disastrous social consequences. Ones that I fear are only going to get worse over the next several months and years unless we as American citizens acknowledge what is happening in our country and try to be better people.
Since the announcement of Donald Trump's election results, America has seen an outpouring of racist, demeaning, and overall nasty comments and actions. Swastikas promoting "white pride" have been painted on public buildings, students have been wearing "black face" to scare away the "black population", individuals have been attacked on college campuses for wearing hijabs, women have been scared to walk to their cars, and countless racial slurs and taunts have been written across bathrooms, public stalls, and even people's cars. But that's only a small amount of incidents. Those are only the acts that have been committed by "Trump supporters". Although Trump has said that he doesn't welcome those individuals who committed these acts into the Republican party and he doesn't condone what they have done, they did happened. But, it's not just "white supremacists" who have engaged in these hateful acts. Those who were supporting Trump and his political views have been victims following the election as well; they have been beaten during rallies and protests, they have been called racist and have experienced hateful crimes, and they have been made to feel like their views and their personalities are "wrong" just for voting in the election. In fact, a friend on Facebook described some of the hate she experienced and the racial comments that she received from those who she considered friends were disgusting. Just because she voted for Trump she became an enemy. And she isn't the only one to experience these words and actions.
Even on social media, I have been astounded by the amount of hate and ridiculous memes that have emerged since the Trump win on Tuesday. I have seen memes stating that those who were protesting Trump could afford to go to rallies since "they are lazy, don't work, and receive state benefits". I have also seen the meme of a woman crying stating "Trump is gonna make me work for my benefits". There have been countless others, but these are truly personal and aggravating to me.
First of all, just because people didn't vote for Trump, doesn't mean that they don't work and that they are receiving state benefits. Second, some people honestly need those benefits to survive and they have done everything they could before relying on those services provided by the government. Are there people who cheat the system? Yes. Are their people who receive benefits and don't care? Yes. But there are also those hard working people, like myself and others, who have been in positions where we worked our asses off at our minimum wage jobs and where our husbands lost their jobs and applied for everything under the sun and still didn't find anything. We had no choice but to rely on state benefits to carry us through until we could find something better. By assuming and passing along these memes and hateful words, you are perpetuating the hate and possibly hurting others who had no choice but to rely on assistance and feel ashamed for that fact.
Writing and describing these acts and words honestly leaves me on the brink of tears. How could our society be so hateful? How could we demean and categorize individuals for their beliefs and how could we perpetuate hate when we are all American citizens? Why does this feel like we are stepping back into the era of segregation? Running towards a future that places hate above love? That places individual's rights and beliefs over the good of a country?
Martin Luther King Jr. stated, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."
So, I ask, no matter what your view. Choose love instead of hate. Choose light instead of darkness. Choose a path that not only benefits your beliefs, but also reinforces the ideals that this country was founded upon. Choose to drive out what you believe is wrong without hurting those in your path. Choose to set an example rather than following the examples of others. Choose to think for yourself instead of following the individuals who repost and "jump on the bandwagon". Choose to be the person that you want your children, your students, your family, the younger generation to follow. Choose to support instead of abandoning those who need you the most. Choose to volunteer rather than being passive in your choices. Choose differently.
After Tuesday, I was running on little sleep and I was feeling depressed and disheartened. I didn't have a smile to give and I felt angry at our country for getting it "so wrong". But instead of acting on my hate, instead of turning this into a "me versus them" argument, I chose kindness. I purchased my bagel and coffee and then I also passed along a $5 gift card. The woman behind me, kept it going and passed it along to the next customer. I say this not to receive acknowledge for my "good deed", but to say it's possible to choose kindness.
In a world where there is so much hate and so much bitterness, why do I need to hate Trump supporters too. Why do I need to bring others down to support my own views? We do not live in an "eye for an eye" society. Therefore, we need to make a difference if we want others to hear our voice and if we want others to make a difference too.
Martin Luther King Jr. also stated, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way".
So I ask everyone to do something small. If you see someone who is experiencing a moment of great sadness, offer them a hand or a hug. If you see someone who is being targeted for a hate crime, stand by them and let them know you don't stand for intolerance. If you see an individual on the street in rags and tatters, buy them a warm blanket or a hot meal. If you see an elderly man or woman who cannot hold the door and push their shopping cart out, hold the door. If you hear about a friend who went through a bad breakup, let them know you are there to listen. If you do not feel comfortable taking a stand in government, speaking up, or standing out, then commit a random, small act of kindness. It could make a huge difference.
If you feel like taking a bigger stand, get involved. Donate to a charity that you believe in. Volunteer at a local food bank or homeless shelter. Look for minority organizations and see how you can support them with time or money. Lend money to Planned Parenthood if you fear for your reproductive rights. Write your Senator, State Representative, or Governor if you think funding should be allocated towards a specific cause (such as education or the arts). Sign a petition to protest laws and acts that you have no tolerance for and then continue to advocate for those groups and rights. Sit in on a local or state government meeting and find out what is happening in your community.
STOP WEARING SAFETY PINS, and start making your voice heard. Although the idea of a safety pin is a nice thought, it is meant as a patch for our own personal feelings. The only thing a safety pin is holding together and representing, is ourselves. We need to think beyond our own feelings and start broadening our view.
Don't fear the Trump presidency, just ensure that your voice is heard and start ensuring that our future as a country is not in jeopardy.
And lastly, I will leave you with two pieces of information...
First, before everyone starts thinking that I am on a high horse and that I am just spewing random words and that I don't take my own advice, slow your role. I am actively involved in local politics (I have personal contributed time and money to the recent elections). I am also a member of several women and education advocacy groups due to the fact that they represent causes that I firmly believe in. And I have written to the Attorney General and State Representatives many times in the past to let my voice be heard about issues that I found to be unacceptable. So, yes I firmly believe everything that I have said.
Second, please remember this quote:
"In a world where you can be anything, be KIND".
*Final note: Not sure where the last quote came from. Sorry for not citing my source here.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
You are Making a Mistake
WARNING: This blog post contains political content and if you are easily offended, then you should stop reading. Additional note, this blog post DOES NOT contain partial favoritism or try to convince the reader to vote for a specific party, candidate, or rights.
I have always been fascinated by the concept of time. So much so that I actually wrote a final composition piece in high school on the topic. Time is a strange concept. It is one that we invented: we placed seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to months, months to years, and years to the span of our lifetimes. We conceived countless concepts regarding daylight savings times, time zones, and times at which specific events occur. We placed the importance on time. But the fact of the matter is that time is an inevitable part of our lives. And time seems to proceed at an accelerated rate.
Today is already November 3, 2016. The year is almost over. Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day, Independence Day, and Halloween have passed. Before we know it, the major religious holidays will come and go and we will be ringing in the New Year of 2017. This also means that another important date is quickly approaching: Election Day, which is November 8th for the record...
Unfortunately, this election year has been one of turmoil, angst, argument, disappointment, conflict, and general uneasiness. It has been said that this year is one of the most important election years to date. While I partly agree with this statement because I think we have the potential to witness history (no matter what way the electoral college and popular vote indicate), I also think that every single presidential election is incredibly important.
Let's refer to the concept of time once again.
In the early years of our country, only white people were allowed to vote. Correction, only white males were allowed to vote (especially those who were wealthy land owners). Time progressed, the Civil War was won, and then came a period of great segregation. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, along with countless other thankless and equally important members of the African American community, came together to fight against racism and pass the 25th Amendment which banned all forms of the poll tax, thus paving the way for African Americans to vote. Historical figures such as Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Lucy Stone advocated for women and faced countless critics and other obstacles to ensure that women had the right to vote.
An innumerable amount of people were beaten, faced harsh critics, and spent their entire lives dedicated to ensuring that ALL American citizens would be able to vote in all future elections. Minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades were spent tirelessly by hundreds of people to ensure that American citizens would be able to vote without facing segregation, injustice, punishment, and criticism.
Yet, so many Americans are actively choosing and discussing the fact that they will not vote due to the candidates on the ballot this year. How incredibly sad.
If time has taught us one thing it should be that we shouldn't take anything for granted. Our right to vote is something that we should not take for granted because if you exercised that vote, perhaps we wouldn't have these two major party candidates.
Make a stand. Start voting in EVERY SINGLE ELECTION! Declare yourself apart of a party...any party. It doesn't have to be Republican or Democrat. It could be the Green Party, an Independent, or one of the other parties that are now being recognized and advocated for. While you won't be able to vote in primary elections (which is truthfully upsetting), at least you are exercising your right to vote. You are declaring that you recognize the time spent and the fights lost and won to earn your right to vote. You are making a stand against future candidates and you are advocating for the best candidate that will represent how you feel and what direction you believe this country should be heading towards.
But, mostly importantly, RESEARCH! Understand that you are not obligated to vote for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic party or Donald Trump and the Republican party. There are so many other candidates; Jill Stein for the Green Party and Gary Johnson for the Libertarian party. Maybe one of those candidates has a different view for our country and they are the one who will advocate for your personal beliefs and will lead this country in a different direction. Or think about who is running for U.S. Senate or other local political positions. These MATTER TOO! They help decide who will advocate for your city, town, and state on a local and national level. That vote is just as important.
Include in this research the fact that major media stations and social media sites are not places to find factual information. ALL media stations are biased; they cover one candidate more than the other, they pick and select information to show, and they run ads for specific political parties. Social media sites create videos that are pieced together to show a candidate in a certain light or that misconstrue a candidates words or intentions. All of these places influence our thoughts and help us lean towards a specific candidate. Even our close family and friends influence our votes. We hear a piece of news from them that they heard from someone else or the media and suddenly we think, "That makes sense," or "Wow. I never knew that candidate was so spiteful or stood for that specific issue". I'm not saying to ignore your family and friends or that they are intentionally lying to you. What I am saying is that your vote should be PERSONAL.
Your vote should be grounded in your personal beliefs. Not only what you think about the "hot topics" (Gun control, Roe v. Wade, Immigration), but also what you think should happen with state and government funding. What you think should happen in the education system, health care, community programs, and advocacy groups. There are so many MORE TOPICS than the ones that candidates like to focus on. We all have opinions about these topics and we need to be vigilant about what we want for ourselves, our families, our friends, and our communities. Think about what direction you think this country should head towards and find the candidate that best fits that concept. Don't become a sheep and vote with the majority (although I think that's exactly what's going to happen with this election); think for yourself. Advocate for the candidate that fits your needs, beliefs, and community. THINK, RESEARCH, REACT.
Also, don't become one of THOSE people who think that the "popular vote" does not count. YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE! True, the popular vote does not mean that that person is getting into office. Reference: George Bush in 2000 who lost the popular vote to Al Gore, but won the electoral college and became our president. The electoral college is the body of individuals who are responsible for voting for the president of the United States every four years. But, that body of individuals consist of the members of Congress (those in the House of Representatives and two each for the number of Senators for each state). Those members get to where they are by popular votes...BY OUR VOTES! In fact, we are voting for U.S. Senators this year! Which means that your vote DOES COUNT! If you don't vote in this election, then you are directly influencing the presidential outcome for this year and the next presidential electoral year as well. YOUR VOTE DOES COUNT.
If it didn't count, then why would countless individuals fight, die, and tire themselves out advocating for your right to vote?!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote during this election. And EVERY SINGLE ELECTION AFTER! Local and national elections!
If you don't vote, then YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE!
I have always been fascinated by the concept of time. So much so that I actually wrote a final composition piece in high school on the topic. Time is a strange concept. It is one that we invented: we placed seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to months, months to years, and years to the span of our lifetimes. We conceived countless concepts regarding daylight savings times, time zones, and times at which specific events occur. We placed the importance on time. But the fact of the matter is that time is an inevitable part of our lives. And time seems to proceed at an accelerated rate.
Today is already November 3, 2016. The year is almost over. Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day, Independence Day, and Halloween have passed. Before we know it, the major religious holidays will come and go and we will be ringing in the New Year of 2017. This also means that another important date is quickly approaching: Election Day, which is November 8th for the record...
Unfortunately, this election year has been one of turmoil, angst, argument, disappointment, conflict, and general uneasiness. It has been said that this year is one of the most important election years to date. While I partly agree with this statement because I think we have the potential to witness history (no matter what way the electoral college and popular vote indicate), I also think that every single presidential election is incredibly important.
Let's refer to the concept of time once again.
In the early years of our country, only white people were allowed to vote. Correction, only white males were allowed to vote (especially those who were wealthy land owners). Time progressed, the Civil War was won, and then came a period of great segregation. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, along with countless other thankless and equally important members of the African American community, came together to fight against racism and pass the 25th Amendment which banned all forms of the poll tax, thus paving the way for African Americans to vote. Historical figures such as Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Lucy Stone advocated for women and faced countless critics and other obstacles to ensure that women had the right to vote.
An innumerable amount of people were beaten, faced harsh critics, and spent their entire lives dedicated to ensuring that ALL American citizens would be able to vote in all future elections. Minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades were spent tirelessly by hundreds of people to ensure that American citizens would be able to vote without facing segregation, injustice, punishment, and criticism.
Yet, so many Americans are actively choosing and discussing the fact that they will not vote due to the candidates on the ballot this year. How incredibly sad.
If time has taught us one thing it should be that we shouldn't take anything for granted. Our right to vote is something that we should not take for granted because if you exercised that vote, perhaps we wouldn't have these two major party candidates.
Make a stand. Start voting in EVERY SINGLE ELECTION! Declare yourself apart of a party...any party. It doesn't have to be Republican or Democrat. It could be the Green Party, an Independent, or one of the other parties that are now being recognized and advocated for. While you won't be able to vote in primary elections (which is truthfully upsetting), at least you are exercising your right to vote. You are declaring that you recognize the time spent and the fights lost and won to earn your right to vote. You are making a stand against future candidates and you are advocating for the best candidate that will represent how you feel and what direction you believe this country should be heading towards.
But, mostly importantly, RESEARCH! Understand that you are not obligated to vote for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic party or Donald Trump and the Republican party. There are so many other candidates; Jill Stein for the Green Party and Gary Johnson for the Libertarian party. Maybe one of those candidates has a different view for our country and they are the one who will advocate for your personal beliefs and will lead this country in a different direction. Or think about who is running for U.S. Senate or other local political positions. These MATTER TOO! They help decide who will advocate for your city, town, and state on a local and national level. That vote is just as important.
Include in this research the fact that major media stations and social media sites are not places to find factual information. ALL media stations are biased; they cover one candidate more than the other, they pick and select information to show, and they run ads for specific political parties. Social media sites create videos that are pieced together to show a candidate in a certain light or that misconstrue a candidates words or intentions. All of these places influence our thoughts and help us lean towards a specific candidate. Even our close family and friends influence our votes. We hear a piece of news from them that they heard from someone else or the media and suddenly we think, "That makes sense," or "Wow. I never knew that candidate was so spiteful or stood for that specific issue". I'm not saying to ignore your family and friends or that they are intentionally lying to you. What I am saying is that your vote should be PERSONAL.
Your vote should be grounded in your personal beliefs. Not only what you think about the "hot topics" (Gun control, Roe v. Wade, Immigration), but also what you think should happen with state and government funding. What you think should happen in the education system, health care, community programs, and advocacy groups. There are so many MORE TOPICS than the ones that candidates like to focus on. We all have opinions about these topics and we need to be vigilant about what we want for ourselves, our families, our friends, and our communities. Think about what direction you think this country should head towards and find the candidate that best fits that concept. Don't become a sheep and vote with the majority (although I think that's exactly what's going to happen with this election); think for yourself. Advocate for the candidate that fits your needs, beliefs, and community. THINK, RESEARCH, REACT.
Also, don't become one of THOSE people who think that the "popular vote" does not count. YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE! True, the popular vote does not mean that that person is getting into office. Reference: George Bush in 2000 who lost the popular vote to Al Gore, but won the electoral college and became our president. The electoral college is the body of individuals who are responsible for voting for the president of the United States every four years. But, that body of individuals consist of the members of Congress (those in the House of Representatives and two each for the number of Senators for each state). Those members get to where they are by popular votes...BY OUR VOTES! In fact, we are voting for U.S. Senators this year! Which means that your vote DOES COUNT! If you don't vote in this election, then you are directly influencing the presidential outcome for this year and the next presidential electoral year as well. YOUR VOTE DOES COUNT.
If it didn't count, then why would countless individuals fight, die, and tire themselves out advocating for your right to vote?!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote during this election. And EVERY SINGLE ELECTION AFTER! Local and national elections!
If you don't vote, then YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE!
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Naked Truths
Most people know that I am avid book reader. In fact, I have posted two blogs about my favorite books and authors. I have met one of my favorite authors (Jodi Picoult) last year. I enter contests daily on Goodreads to win free books and to keep track of my yearly reading progress. I cannot devour books fast enough and my book list is never ending. But, this blog isn't about books.
It is about a concept that I recently read in one of my new favorite books.
Colleen Hoover is one of my favorite authors and people. She is hilarious. She gives back to charity. And I love the subject of her stories; they are heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and romantic. Colleen recently published a book titled It Ends With Us, which I have read three times since it released in August. One of my favorite parts about the book is the concept of "naked truths".
Naked truths (as explained by the main character and consequently Colleen Hoover) are the truths that people are afraid to say outloud. They are the thoughts that we keep to ourselves because we fear what others might say or feel in response to our words. Throughout the book, naked truths are spoken. About how the characters feel when they first meet, their relationships with their families, their emotions throughout their own relationship. It's what makes the main characters unique and what dictates their entire relationship.
I love the idea of naked truths.
Why don't people speak their mind more often? Why is it so hard to admit what you really want to say? If you are cheating on your significant other, why not just say so? Why not admit that there was a problem in your relationship in the first place? It would certainly stop a lot of the heartbreak, anger, and doubt that ensues. If you are mad or uncomfortable with a co-worker, why not just say so? Isn't the point of having co-workers to learn from one another and accept constructive criticism? If you are frustrated at a family member about their actions, why not just tell them? It would create a stronger relationship and allow you to move past the petty feelings. Why can't we all just say our naked truths and move on?
Perhaps it's because the most naked truths we have to say are the ones that are hardest to admit. Maybe you don't want to admit that you failed at your relationship along the way. Or maybe it's because you have been together so long that you realize that you don't have that much in common anymore. Or maybe you have become different people and you just aren't headed in the same direction anymore. But ultimately, it's because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It's heartbreaking (and more than a little awkward) to say that you don't find someone attractive anymore or that you have a completely different view on life that no longer involves them. Or it could be that you are too afraid to start over. Giving up a relationship means having to start over again; finding your own space, finding a new outlook on life, trying love again, and knowing that the whole dynamic of your family will have to be different. Change is scary and sometimes it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you don't want to admit your naked truth because it would create tensions that make you uncomfortable. Most places of employment require you to interact with someone on a daily basis. If you admit that you don't respect what they are doing or that you think they need to change, it might hurt their feelings. Or they might grow defensive. And then you have an ugly work situation to deal with. One that might end up with you as the source of gossip or even worse, fired. Not being able to predict the future is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you know that a naked truth will leave someone with a hard to face reality. Families are complicated. Although you may be related to someone, that doesn't mean you agree with their personality or their point of view regarding life or even their work ethic. Perhaps saying your naked truth to them might mean that your whole family dynamic changes. Grudges are kept, tensions run high, and regret is a bitter taste on your tongue. Being honest and going against your support system is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Last year I learned that if I kept quiet, I would slowly destroy who I was as a person and as an educator. I let someone else dictate my feelings and I refused to be an active participant. I promised myself one year ago, that I would no longer be an innocent bystander. And I wasn't. I spoke up about the injustices I felt at work. I was more honest to my family members and friends. In fact, I just wrote an e-mail to one of my professors about a subjective question on a test. I have slowly become more vocal and I truly appreciate the person I have become.
But that doesn't mean it's any easier to say a naked truth. In fact, I leave a lot of naked truths unsaid.
Naked truths require you to step outside of your boundaries. To take a leap of faith and hope that your relationship with someone doesn't (or does, depending on the situation) change drastically. It means that you have to admit that you don't agree with someone and know that they might have something to say, which you don't want to hear. It means that you have to break a few hearts, disregard someone else's feelings, and know that your life could change forever. Naked truths mean that you have to admit something out loud and not know what could unfold.
I know that some people will read this and think that they are honest and that they do admit their naked truths. And I'm sure that these beliefs might be true to some extent. But to be honest, some of the people that I have known to say that they are "honest with everyone" and that they "speak their mind all the time" or admit "I told so-and-so this" are the ones who hold back the biggest naked truths. They are the ones who admit one thing, but then twist the truth in their favor. They aren't honest with the people who truly matter; their significant others, their family members, their loved ones, their co-workers. They are the ones who become the gossip queens (or kings). They are the ones who hold back the most. Because it's scary to admit to those who are closest to you that you don't respect their practices, that you disagree with their opinions, or that your point of view is vastly different than theirs. Naked truths are ugly and scary and bold. And most people are not as bold as they think they are or as bold as they want to be.
Today I admitted a big naked truth to someone and it hurt like hell. It meant that I had to admit that I was a failure at something. That life wasn't going to turn out the way I had predicted. It made me realize that I would have to start over. Naked truths are ugly and today I finally realized that naked truths can't be left unsaid because they just lead to more hurt and false promises.
So, I challenge you (if I even have any readers) to admit one naked truth. Tell someone you truly care about or someone who you see on a daily basis how you feel. It's going to be hard and it's going to be ugly. In the end, it might change the weight on your shoulders. It might change the dynamic of your relationship. It might end in an unexpected way. But, it will make the next naked truth you admit a little easier to stomach.
Although this post was meant to be incredibly serious, I would like to admit a few ridiculous naked truths to get the ball rolling:
1. When I'm in public and I fart, I blame it on my kids because I find it extremely uncomfortable to admit that I was the one who passed gas.
2. I eat food off the floor after more than five seconds, but only if it's in my own home. (P.S. Fun fact, the five second rule is non existent. The food is dirty the second it hits the floor. Thank-you Myth Busters).
3. I judge people by their bumper stickers on their cars. (Hint, if you have an "I love Trump" or "Make America Great Again" sticker on your car, I am SERIOUSLY judging you).
It is about a concept that I recently read in one of my new favorite books.
Colleen Hoover is one of my favorite authors and people. She is hilarious. She gives back to charity. And I love the subject of her stories; they are heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and romantic. Colleen recently published a book titled It Ends With Us, which I have read three times since it released in August. One of my favorite parts about the book is the concept of "naked truths".
Naked truths (as explained by the main character and consequently Colleen Hoover) are the truths that people are afraid to say outloud. They are the thoughts that we keep to ourselves because we fear what others might say or feel in response to our words. Throughout the book, naked truths are spoken. About how the characters feel when they first meet, their relationships with their families, their emotions throughout their own relationship. It's what makes the main characters unique and what dictates their entire relationship.
I love the idea of naked truths.
Why don't people speak their mind more often? Why is it so hard to admit what you really want to say? If you are cheating on your significant other, why not just say so? Why not admit that there was a problem in your relationship in the first place? It would certainly stop a lot of the heartbreak, anger, and doubt that ensues. If you are mad or uncomfortable with a co-worker, why not just say so? Isn't the point of having co-workers to learn from one another and accept constructive criticism? If you are frustrated at a family member about their actions, why not just tell them? It would create a stronger relationship and allow you to move past the petty feelings. Why can't we all just say our naked truths and move on?
Perhaps it's because the most naked truths we have to say are the ones that are hardest to admit. Maybe you don't want to admit that you failed at your relationship along the way. Or maybe it's because you have been together so long that you realize that you don't have that much in common anymore. Or maybe you have become different people and you just aren't headed in the same direction anymore. But ultimately, it's because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It's heartbreaking (and more than a little awkward) to say that you don't find someone attractive anymore or that you have a completely different view on life that no longer involves them. Or it could be that you are too afraid to start over. Giving up a relationship means having to start over again; finding your own space, finding a new outlook on life, trying love again, and knowing that the whole dynamic of your family will have to be different. Change is scary and sometimes it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you don't want to admit your naked truth because it would create tensions that make you uncomfortable. Most places of employment require you to interact with someone on a daily basis. If you admit that you don't respect what they are doing or that you think they need to change, it might hurt their feelings. Or they might grow defensive. And then you have an ugly work situation to deal with. One that might end up with you as the source of gossip or even worse, fired. Not being able to predict the future is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you know that a naked truth will leave someone with a hard to face reality. Families are complicated. Although you may be related to someone, that doesn't mean you agree with their personality or their point of view regarding life or even their work ethic. Perhaps saying your naked truth to them might mean that your whole family dynamic changes. Grudges are kept, tensions run high, and regret is a bitter taste on your tongue. Being honest and going against your support system is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Last year I learned that if I kept quiet, I would slowly destroy who I was as a person and as an educator. I let someone else dictate my feelings and I refused to be an active participant. I promised myself one year ago, that I would no longer be an innocent bystander. And I wasn't. I spoke up about the injustices I felt at work. I was more honest to my family members and friends. In fact, I just wrote an e-mail to one of my professors about a subjective question on a test. I have slowly become more vocal and I truly appreciate the person I have become.
But that doesn't mean it's any easier to say a naked truth. In fact, I leave a lot of naked truths unsaid.
Naked truths require you to step outside of your boundaries. To take a leap of faith and hope that your relationship with someone doesn't (or does, depending on the situation) change drastically. It means that you have to admit that you don't agree with someone and know that they might have something to say, which you don't want to hear. It means that you have to break a few hearts, disregard someone else's feelings, and know that your life could change forever. Naked truths mean that you have to admit something out loud and not know what could unfold.
I know that some people will read this and think that they are honest and that they do admit their naked truths. And I'm sure that these beliefs might be true to some extent. But to be honest, some of the people that I have known to say that they are "honest with everyone" and that they "speak their mind all the time" or admit "I told so-and-so this" are the ones who hold back the biggest naked truths. They are the ones who admit one thing, but then twist the truth in their favor. They aren't honest with the people who truly matter; their significant others, their family members, their loved ones, their co-workers. They are the ones who become the gossip queens (or kings). They are the ones who hold back the most. Because it's scary to admit to those who are closest to you that you don't respect their practices, that you disagree with their opinions, or that your point of view is vastly different than theirs. Naked truths are ugly and scary and bold. And most people are not as bold as they think they are or as bold as they want to be.
Today I admitted a big naked truth to someone and it hurt like hell. It meant that I had to admit that I was a failure at something. That life wasn't going to turn out the way I had predicted. It made me realize that I would have to start over. Naked truths are ugly and today I finally realized that naked truths can't be left unsaid because they just lead to more hurt and false promises.
So, I challenge you (if I even have any readers) to admit one naked truth. Tell someone you truly care about or someone who you see on a daily basis how you feel. It's going to be hard and it's going to be ugly. In the end, it might change the weight on your shoulders. It might change the dynamic of your relationship. It might end in an unexpected way. But, it will make the next naked truth you admit a little easier to stomach.
Although this post was meant to be incredibly serious, I would like to admit a few ridiculous naked truths to get the ball rolling:
1. When I'm in public and I fart, I blame it on my kids because I find it extremely uncomfortable to admit that I was the one who passed gas.
2. I eat food off the floor after more than five seconds, but only if it's in my own home. (P.S. Fun fact, the five second rule is non existent. The food is dirty the second it hits the floor. Thank-you Myth Busters).
3. I judge people by their bumper stickers on their cars. (Hint, if you have an "I love Trump" or "Make America Great Again" sticker on your car, I am SERIOUSLY judging you).
Monday, May 16, 2016
Mondays
"The same boiling water that hardens eggs will soften the carrot. Everything depends on the individual's particular reaction to stressful situations." Dr. James Dobson Hide or Seek
Today was hard. When faced with a stressful situation, I cried and left the room. When faced with a stressful situation, I couldn't handle it. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a heavy heart. A bruised physical body. And a withdrawn personality. I questioned myself.
Was it my fault?
Is this the right path for me?
What could I have done differently?
Maybe I need to reorganize my life?
What if today happens again? Can I handle it?
Then I went home. My son yelled, "Mommy. Mommy." My daughter asked, "Is mom home? Where is she?" before I walked in the door. We went for a walk. My son laughed. My daughter smiled. I watched them walk down the street hand-in-hand. I got to eat dinner with my family. I helped my daughter with her homework, which she got all right. My son and I had a dance party in the middle of my bedroom. My son cuddled with me on the couch. My daughter said, "I love you. Good night," before she went to bed. My son fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while. And then I thought.
Today wasn't my fault.
I am on the right path.
I will try a new strategy tomorrow.
If I reorganized my life, I would miss these beautiful moments that make it ok.
If it happens again, I know I have support. I can handle it.
"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what others are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." Unknown
Today was hard. I struggled through a difficult situation and felt like a failure. I wondered where I belonged and if I was strong enough. Then I spoke to my brother. He told me he got his leg checked out two weeks ago and it's not his bone that's broken or fractured, it's his muscles that are hurting. He's wearing a brace. He told me he was going to see his Pulmonologist tomorrow because he's having trouble breathing. When I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday, he said, "It doesn't matter. I just want to make it through it pain free." And then I thought.
Why was my day so bad?
I'm shallow to think that my morning was hard when there are people struggling to breathe. When walking isn't a luxury that's granted to everyone.
What if I couldn't make it through the day without being in physical or emotional pain?
Then my brother made me laugh. He asked how I was doing. He gave me sympathy for my tough day. He asked how my kids were. He said he loves them and can't wait to see them again. He said he missed me. Then he said goodbye. He promised to call me tomorrow to let me know how his doctor visit went. And then I thought.
Today was manageable. It wasn't so bad.
I'm not shallow. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you. Maybe my day wasn't as hard as my brothers, but my day could've been harder than another person's. And someone else had a tougher day than my brother.
Life hands each person struggles that only they can make it through. My brother is tougher than I am; he smiles through the physical and emotional pain. I would crumple, but I am tougher than someone else. Maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do what I do. Life isn't any harder than what you can handle.
"The only person that I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday." Unknown
Today was hard. I felt defeated. I wondered if I could lift the ache in my heart as fast as the bruises would mend on my legs. Then I thought about who I am. I am a mother. I help my daughter with her homework. I let my son smear finger paint all over his hands. I kiss boo-boos on scraped knees. I am showered in love and kisses and hugs. Yet, I still try to do better. I work harder so my kids can have vacations. I think of strategies with other moms to get my daughter to socialize more. I wonder what I can do to improve my son's speech. I try new methods to get my son on a regular, independent sleeping schedule. I am a teacher. I plan lessons to teach children new concepts. I implement behavior plans to support children with a variety of abilities in the classroom. I attend professional development meetings. I confer with other colleagues to see what we can collaborate on and learn from. Yet, I still try to do better. I come home and research more social-emotional strategies. I research different behavioral plans. I collaborate with other individuals to improve my teaching practices. I think about what I could do differently and how I can implement that plan. I am a student. I do my homework after my kids go to bed. I am trying to earn my Bachelor's degree. I spend weekends writing papers. I complete my degree requirements. I apply for scholarships. Yet, I still try to do better. I submit papers to my college writing labs to see what I can improve on my research papers. I fight for grades that I believe I deserve. I actively participate and question those around me. I plan ahead, so I know what my options are. I haven't even finished my undergrad degree and I am already thinking about my graduate degree. And then I thought.
Am I really doing better?
How can I still improve myself?
Am I enough?
Then I realized, that because I want to do better. Because I actively engage with the people and things around me. Because I plan and implement. Because I strategize and question. Because I listen and learn. Because I want to do better, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And then I thought.
Yes. I am doing better because I want to do better.
I can improve myself because I am driven and because I still want to become the best me I can be.
I am enough for myself. And that's all I need to be enough for.
"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."
Today was hard. My skin wasn't thick enough. My eyes filled with tears. I had to walk away. Then I sat in silence. After the kids went to bed. After I shut off the tv. After I climbed the stairs. After I sat down at my desk. I thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought about my day. Who I talked to. What I said. How I felt. I remembered that I talked about the way that person looked. Or what that person said. Or what that person believed. Or how that person faced their day. And then I thought.
Who am I to judge them?
Am I perfect? Without flaws?
Does their presence affect who I am and what I believe?
Then I realized, that I was no better than they were. I am no better than the person who looks down on everyone. I am no better than the person who doesn't care about their job. I am no better than the person sucking up to the boss. I am no better than the person who yelled at someone else. I am no better than the person who spread gossip. I am no better than the person who lied. I am no better than the person who I was thinking about, talking about, or looking down upon.
I cannot judge others because I don't know them. They fight battles, physically or mentally, that I know nothing about.
I have flaws. I have committed the same "crimes" as them. I can do better than I did yesterday.
In the long run, they don't matter. They don't change who I am. What I stand for. What I believe. Why I wake up in the morning. They don't live my life and shouldn't play a major role in it.
"Everything that has happened to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to prevent you from growing...You get to choose." Wayne Dyer
Today was hard. But, today I chose to love my kids. I chose to become a better mom, a better teacher, a better student, a better me. Today was hard, but I chose to remember that if a boy in a wheelchair can make you laugh through their pain, if a child with cancer can come into school with a smile on his face, if a single mother can lift her grown son out of bed, I can keep pushing past the physical and emotional pain. Today was hard, but I chose to leave the gossip. The judgement. The petty feelings. Because I am better than that! Today was hard, but I chose this path that I am on. I love this path that I am on. I change the lives of children and families even if those changes are small. I reach for those flawless moments where I get a 100 on my paper. Where I make my son laugh. Where I watch my daughter make new friends. Where I become a better person.
Today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. Because it wasn't today and I choose to be better than I was yesterday.
"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't work, just take another shot." Unknown
Today was hard. When faced with a stressful situation, I cried and left the room. When faced with a stressful situation, I couldn't handle it. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a heavy heart. A bruised physical body. And a withdrawn personality. I questioned myself.
Was it my fault?
Is this the right path for me?
What could I have done differently?
Maybe I need to reorganize my life?
What if today happens again? Can I handle it?
Then I went home. My son yelled, "Mommy. Mommy." My daughter asked, "Is mom home? Where is she?" before I walked in the door. We went for a walk. My son laughed. My daughter smiled. I watched them walk down the street hand-in-hand. I got to eat dinner with my family. I helped my daughter with her homework, which she got all right. My son and I had a dance party in the middle of my bedroom. My son cuddled with me on the couch. My daughter said, "I love you. Good night," before she went to bed. My son fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while. And then I thought.
Today wasn't my fault.
I am on the right path.
I will try a new strategy tomorrow.
If I reorganized my life, I would miss these beautiful moments that make it ok.
If it happens again, I know I have support. I can handle it.
"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what others are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." Unknown
Today was hard. I struggled through a difficult situation and felt like a failure. I wondered where I belonged and if I was strong enough. Then I spoke to my brother. He told me he got his leg checked out two weeks ago and it's not his bone that's broken or fractured, it's his muscles that are hurting. He's wearing a brace. He told me he was going to see his Pulmonologist tomorrow because he's having trouble breathing. When I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday, he said, "It doesn't matter. I just want to make it through it pain free." And then I thought.
Why was my day so bad?
I'm shallow to think that my morning was hard when there are people struggling to breathe. When walking isn't a luxury that's granted to everyone.
What if I couldn't make it through the day without being in physical or emotional pain?
Then my brother made me laugh. He asked how I was doing. He gave me sympathy for my tough day. He asked how my kids were. He said he loves them and can't wait to see them again. He said he missed me. Then he said goodbye. He promised to call me tomorrow to let me know how his doctor visit went. And then I thought.
Today was manageable. It wasn't so bad.
I'm not shallow. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you. Maybe my day wasn't as hard as my brothers, but my day could've been harder than another person's. And someone else had a tougher day than my brother.
Life hands each person struggles that only they can make it through. My brother is tougher than I am; he smiles through the physical and emotional pain. I would crumple, but I am tougher than someone else. Maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do what I do. Life isn't any harder than what you can handle.
"The only person that I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday." Unknown
Today was hard. I felt defeated. I wondered if I could lift the ache in my heart as fast as the bruises would mend on my legs. Then I thought about who I am. I am a mother. I help my daughter with her homework. I let my son smear finger paint all over his hands. I kiss boo-boos on scraped knees. I am showered in love and kisses and hugs. Yet, I still try to do better. I work harder so my kids can have vacations. I think of strategies with other moms to get my daughter to socialize more. I wonder what I can do to improve my son's speech. I try new methods to get my son on a regular, independent sleeping schedule. I am a teacher. I plan lessons to teach children new concepts. I implement behavior plans to support children with a variety of abilities in the classroom. I attend professional development meetings. I confer with other colleagues to see what we can collaborate on and learn from. Yet, I still try to do better. I come home and research more social-emotional strategies. I research different behavioral plans. I collaborate with other individuals to improve my teaching practices. I think about what I could do differently and how I can implement that plan. I am a student. I do my homework after my kids go to bed. I am trying to earn my Bachelor's degree. I spend weekends writing papers. I complete my degree requirements. I apply for scholarships. Yet, I still try to do better. I submit papers to my college writing labs to see what I can improve on my research papers. I fight for grades that I believe I deserve. I actively participate and question those around me. I plan ahead, so I know what my options are. I haven't even finished my undergrad degree and I am already thinking about my graduate degree. And then I thought.
Am I really doing better?
How can I still improve myself?
Am I enough?
Then I realized, that because I want to do better. Because I actively engage with the people and things around me. Because I plan and implement. Because I strategize and question. Because I listen and learn. Because I want to do better, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And then I thought.
Yes. I am doing better because I want to do better.
I can improve myself because I am driven and because I still want to become the best me I can be.
I am enough for myself. And that's all I need to be enough for.
"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."
Today was hard. My skin wasn't thick enough. My eyes filled with tears. I had to walk away. Then I sat in silence. After the kids went to bed. After I shut off the tv. After I climbed the stairs. After I sat down at my desk. I thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought about my day. Who I talked to. What I said. How I felt. I remembered that I talked about the way that person looked. Or what that person said. Or what that person believed. Or how that person faced their day. And then I thought.
Who am I to judge them?
Am I perfect? Without flaws?
Does their presence affect who I am and what I believe?
Then I realized, that I was no better than they were. I am no better than the person who looks down on everyone. I am no better than the person who doesn't care about their job. I am no better than the person sucking up to the boss. I am no better than the person who yelled at someone else. I am no better than the person who spread gossip. I am no better than the person who lied. I am no better than the person who I was thinking about, talking about, or looking down upon.
I cannot judge others because I don't know them. They fight battles, physically or mentally, that I know nothing about.
I have flaws. I have committed the same "crimes" as them. I can do better than I did yesterday.
In the long run, they don't matter. They don't change who I am. What I stand for. What I believe. Why I wake up in the morning. They don't live my life and shouldn't play a major role in it.
"Everything that has happened to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to prevent you from growing...You get to choose." Wayne Dyer
Today was hard. But, today I chose to love my kids. I chose to become a better mom, a better teacher, a better student, a better me. Today was hard, but I chose to remember that if a boy in a wheelchair can make you laugh through their pain, if a child with cancer can come into school with a smile on his face, if a single mother can lift her grown son out of bed, I can keep pushing past the physical and emotional pain. Today was hard, but I chose to leave the gossip. The judgement. The petty feelings. Because I am better than that! Today was hard, but I chose this path that I am on. I love this path that I am on. I change the lives of children and families even if those changes are small. I reach for those flawless moments where I get a 100 on my paper. Where I make my son laugh. Where I watch my daughter make new friends. Where I become a better person.
Today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. Because it wasn't today and I choose to be better than I was yesterday.
"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't work, just take another shot." Unknown
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