Awareness

Being mindful is the simple act of living in the moment: understanding and accepting your emotions and/or experiences and knowing what you can do to either change them or move forward with the moment. Mindfulness is a practice that must occur daily. Individuals need to be able to really understand how they are feeling; what are your triggers, what emotions make you feel anxious or harmful, what experiences lead to doubt or success, what are the ways that make you want to leave a situation or remain fully present in the moment? Sometimes understanding yourself (deep down knowing what you body, heart, and mind really want) requires creative methods (i.e. journaling, artistic expression, or meditation) or sometimes it might require outside forces (i.e. therapy, accepting constructive criticism, or learning from past experiences).

Mindfulness is a continuous process. One that is really hard to practice. One that I had never heard of until last year.

Last year, I started therapy; talk therapy with a clinical social worker. While she was ultimately not the best fit for me, some of the concepts she discussed really helped me recognize my own self-worth and my own self-induced reservations. She brought to light a lot of past experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today and helped me talk through current situations that were weighing on my mind. I cried a lot in her office and I cried a lot on the way home sometimes. Because part of being mindful is recognizing your "flaws" and acknowledging your triggers.

Acknowledging your "darkest parts" is really difficult. It requires a lot of personal growth. Which ultimately, takes time.

In our sessions, I realized how much of a perfectionist I turn myself into. I don't just write papers for school, I write novels complete with the best language, research ideas, and grammar possible; getting a grade lower than 90 (and even that is low) is unacceptable for me. It makes me feel worthless. At work, I don't just write learning experience plans, I have to write detailed descriptions with activities that are planned with individualization, minute details, and the best ideas. Anything less makes me feel unaccomplished. The idea of being less than perfect, actually triggers a lot of anxiety and stress for me; it causes me to create self-doubt, it causes me to have heart palpitations and agitate and makes me want to cry.

Being "less" and "imperfect" are one of my triggers. I can accept that now.

Over the year, I have worked a lot on recognizing my need for perfection and while I still hate getting less than a certain score on a paper or assignment, I have learned to write it and let it go. I don't let myself worry about it over time and I don't tell myself I am a bad student, teacher or mother. I started leaving notes near my computer at home that build up my self-esteem and confidence and that has helped. It's a constant struggle, but one that I am actively working towards.

But, that's not the only thing that causes me to break out in a sweat, doubt my abilities, or creates obsessive thoughts.

Being mindful is about recognizing your emotions, and essentially your triggers, and finding a way to overcome them. So Day Four of Mindfulness is about recognition and change.

Choose One Thing That Triggers Anxiety or Depression and Write About a Few Ways That You Can Control This Trigger:

One trigger for my anxiety is unplanned changes in my schedule.

• Because I am a perfectionist, and because I have OCD (the "obsessive thought" kind not the "wash you hands a million times until they bleed because germs are bad" kind), I actively plan out how my days go. I am a person who relies on routine and I crave that consistency. I wake up at the same time everyday (kids make it so I rarely sleep-in), follow the same get-ready morning routine, do the same activities and motions at work, and come home to do the same dinner-homework-play time-bed time routines. On the weekends, I feel more comfortable in my scheduling and I am generally more flexible, but even then, there's habit.
• A few weeks ago, I came into work and there were simply too many people in my classroom. I planned on only having one extra person for support that day. But then suddenly there were 4 extra people, plus extra students and everything went down hill from there. First, my senses went into overdrive; all I could hear was how loud it was, how everyone was calling out for my name, how much chaos resulted from the extra bodies. Next came the demands; this teacher wanted to meet for a meeting, that teacher wanted to know what her responsibilities for the day were, and another teacher wanted to know when she could set-up. The kids wanted me to sit with them, talk with them, and help them use the bathroom. Demand after demand came quick. Finally my body went into overdrive; I dealt with the kiddos who needed extra attention, made sure I scheduled a meeting for another time, and guided the other teacher about our typical schedule and where she was best needed. There were still a lot of bodies, but instinct kicked in and it all worked out. But the rest of the day was a mess for me; I teared up, ranted to a coworker, felt on edge, and needed to ultimately take time away from the situation.
• While I know I am a great teacher and that all those responsibilities are mine; it's the aftermath of the chaotic situation that's hard for me. It was the idea of my schedule and routine being different. It was the overabundance of individuals that sent my senses into overdrive. It was the outside factors that made my room so frustrating at the time. It was a lot I simply could not control and for someone with OCD and perfectionist-tendencies, that was too much to handle.

Schedule changes/routines are one of my triggers. But, I acknowledge that and therefore, I can make it better.

How I Can Make It Better:

• Take a deep breath: In my classroom, we do a lot of controlled breathing; it helps to reset the nervous systems and allows your body to come into focus in the moment so you can recognize how you are feeling. I have tried meditation through the Headspace app and through yoga before and there is a lot of meaning behind controlling your breathing. Sometimes the easiest thing to do for yourself is to simply breathe.
• Remove myself from the situation: In an ideal world, I would be able to do this whenever I know I am reaching that point of sensory overload. In a realistic world, it is not always easy to walk away from a situation. But, I can sit down. I can take a moment to breathe and think. I can just "get through" until there comes a time when I can just walk away. Recognizing when you need to remove yourself from a situation (a heated moment with a lover, a family spat, or even a tense staff meeting) is so important for mental health.
• Acknowledge that sometimes, it's okay to just let it go: This year (and a little bit of last year), my coworkers and I really embraced the mantra, "It is what it is". Short staffed: "It is what it is". Denied a day off from work while your coworker got it approved: "It is what it is". Encounter an administrator who is inappropriate and has mood swings: "It is what it is". Get pooped or peed on by a kiddo who you know should've been home sick: "It is what it is". A lot of times in life, we simply cannot change the circumstances; we can come up with a hundred ideal scenarios but it won't change what is realistically happening. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and perfect moments; it's heartbreak and tears and frustration and biased opinions. It's also about accepting that no one, and I mean no one (even you Becky with the good hair and shit attitude) is perfect. Things go wrong. Schedules change. And moments are ruined. And it is okay to just move on and let it go. "It is what it is".

What triggers you and what can you do to make it better?