Mindfulness

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with someone who said she used to believe anxiety was an overrated concept; she thought that people with anxiety just over reacted to their stress. She simply didn't get "it". Until, she had a panic attack; she said she was dealing with some personal life issues and was feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts for a while and then suddenly she couldn't catch her breath, she felt like her chest was being crushed, she said it was the worst feeling of her life. Now, she understands how crippling anxiety can be and feels remorse for what she used to believe.

Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well. For me, anxiety is part of my daily life.

Anxiety, for me, is more than being stressed out. It is more than "dreading" a work assignment or thinking about the loads of housework I have to do. It is more than juggling motherhood, family relationships and personal growth. It is more than stress. It is definitely NOT an excuse for not wanting to dealing with life.

Anxiety is the crippling, overwhelming feeling of being out of control. It is the hesitation to jump into social situations that place me out of my comfort zone. It is the heart palpitations and the agitate in my stomach. It is the tightening of my jaw. It is the dread of getting out of bed to go to work some days. It is the sense of unexplained panic and dread that accompanies the simplest of tasks.

More often than not, I know exactly where it stems from. However, sometimes, it hits me out of the blue and throws me through a loop.

Lately, I haven't been feeling "myself" and this is usually the first sign that my anxiety is at its' worst. In fact, winter is always the hardest season for me... for many reasons. But a few weeks ago, everything set me on edge. There was an over abundance of teachers in my classroom one day (6 to be exact) with the addition of 20 kids (2 extra students visiting/helping for the day). I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in my room and it made me feel anxious. Someone was chewing too loudly and I felt anxious (I have a sound aversion that pretty much consumes my senses). I came home and saw piles of paperwork on the table, loads of laundry over flowing in baskets, and a note from my son's teacher saying he was struggling with the content at school and needed intervention services. I felt anxious.

I started questioning my life choices and my ability to serve my job and children sufficiently.

Was I a good mother? Why was it so hard to stay on top of paperwork and balance out "mom-life"? I have taught children school-readiness skills for kindergarten all day long for the past four years, why couldn't I help my son succeed in these same area? I am a lead teacher, why couldn't I balance out the number of people in my room and help my students with their individual needs? Why did I feel overwhelmed by the clutter and why couldn't I just clean it up? Why does chewing (the simplest of life tasks, and the most necessary) set me on edge? Why wasn't I good enough?

This is anxiety for me. 

It is more than stress. It is dread. It is the feeling of being incompetent and questioning my worth. It is the overwhelming need for balance and the sense of not being able to achieve life in the exact way I imagine it. For me, anxiety is crippling. It is unexpected at times and easily manageable at others. It is an awful feeling. One that I have struggled with for a long time.

And yet, I continue to cope. I know deep down inside, I am a good mom. I do help my children with their homework and read to them each night. I know I am able to keep track of school events, I hand back the right paperwork on time, and even coordinate fun play dates. I know I am a good teacher. I am constantly trying new strategies to reach all my learners as a whole and on individual levels. I attend countless professional development opportunities inside, and out, of school. I have worked hard to become the teacher I am and know the value in the work that I do.

I just find it hard to remind myself of that sometimes. Especially lately. That's why, it's so important to make conscious decisions to focus on the good of each day, which is why I focus on mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the simple act of taking the time to remember what is good about yourself and life. It is the process of introspection; taking a minute to soak in a luxurious bath just because you deserve it, taking a walk in the fresh air with nothing to worry about except keeping pace with your music, writing just for the good of it. It is there to help you to see the value in who you are, as well as the value in those that surround you. 

But it takes time and practice. It is a continuous process.

Therefore, for the next week, starting today, I am going to work hard on reminding myself of the good. I will be blogging everyday using simple mindfulness prompts that help me find my balance again. And Pinterest is going to help me out just a bit.

This is one of the prompts I found and it is where I will start my mindfulness journey.

List Twenty Things That Make You Smile:

1. Seeing my kid's faces in the morning.
2. Freshly painted nails.
3. Going into work and hearing, "Mrs. Popolizio" and being surrounded by 5 smiling faces that rush to give me hugs.
4. Laughing with my coworkers.
5. Bingo nights with friends.
6. Talking to my mom once a week on the phone.
7. Daily conversations on my ride to and from work with my mother-in-law.
8. Biting into a freshly baked chocolate pecan cookie (right from the oven).
9. Baking.
10. Secret Valentines who know me so well.
11. Getting sweet treats from the most considerate families.
12. Random messages on Facebook from friends who remind me they care just because.
13. Invitations to baby showers (for a first time mama).
14. Having a good hair day.
15. Surprises from my husband.
16. Watching a movie on the couch with my family.
17. Hearing my kids "Suck and Sweet" during dinner.
18. My 95 year old Uncle making unexpected jokes at the dinner table.
19. Taking a warm shower after being cold all day.
20. Snacking on junk food.

These were just from the past few days. Imagine how many things I could add to that list if I just remembered the good every day?

What makes you smile?