Forgotten

Forgotten

With the changing of seasons,

And the transition into a new year,

It seems we have forgotten.

Although, through no fault of our own,

Sickness and health have brought a new meaning,

To what we have once perceived as normal.

It seems we have forgotten,

The sounds of crowds gathering,

The pleasures of friends chattering.

The sweet voices of children playing,

The slamming of school doors and the opening of minds,

It seems we have forgotten.

The thrill of live voices on a stage,

The joy of entering amusement play areas,

The clattering of silverware at the family dinner table.

It seems we have forgotten,

The ease of hearing someone's voice without a face covering,

Our time deemed once as "normal".

It seems we have forgotten,

Although through no fault of our own,

How to live in this new, strange world of inconsistencies.

Time and Words

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Time is one of those concepts. One of those concepts that always seems to escape me. How do minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days that fly by? How do some moments become trapped in time and then we relive them over and over again and how do other moments drag by at the slowest pace? Time is given to us, but not explained. It is what we do with time that determines everything.

But time is something that some of us have more of than others.

Recently time has come to a standstill. Time that was spent in routine; spent in bustling motions moving from place to place on autopilot is now different. Time that we dreaded has now become time we dread in an all new way. Time that we ran out of is now more present than ever. Time is existing and unfolding in new ways each day. Minutes still become hours but days become ever evolving in both new and terrifying ways.

But what do we do when time changes?

This week I plunged into the unknown. I created schedules for myself and my kids where we both worked and took advantage of the sunshine and local landmarks. We then broke those schedules to hang on the couch and watch movies. We threw screen-time out the window and simultaneously used more and less technology depending on the day. I communicated with people in different ways. I worked in different ways. I cooked so much... three meals a day is exhausting... But we survived.

Because we found what worked for us when we needed it.

During times of trials and tribulations, I know what helps me feel better. I love reading and writing. Reading plunges me into worlds different than my own. It calms me down and helps me fall asleep at night. Writing is the best way for me to express my feelings. I write down the words that comfort me and hope they lend themselves to the comfort of others. Music also makes me feel better. I listen to music for everything I do... washing dishes, baking, cleaning, writing, doing homework, lesson planning, applying makeup and getting ready in the morning... everything I do has a soundtrack. My family also helps me during difficult adjustments. But this isn't about them. This about what I do to make sure I can be fully present for my family. What I do to make sure I take care of myself.

Here is how I survived the week.

"I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book." 

- J.K. Rowling

Words are so beautiful. They tell stories and break hearts. They build confidence and break down boundaries. Words explain emotions beyond the physical characteristics and emphasize the importance of a moment. They calm situations and fuel debates. They have the power to change dynamics and destroy realities. Words are so important. But reading someone else's words between the covers of a book is just as powerful.

It is here that the words have the ability transport you.

They bring you to faraway places or nearby towns. They change reality into fantasy and plunge you deep into science fiction. They can be strung together to tell a story so real it's painful or so ridiculous it's hard to tear your eyes away from. Stories are the way we connect to other people. Through books I have gained whole communities of people who relate to words in the same exact way that I do. It's empowering and comforting.

Here are the words that grounded me recently:

• One of Us is Next by Karen M. McManus - So this one is young adult and honestly, I stopped being ashamed of reading this genre a LONG time ago. This book is the sequel to One of Us is Lying and it was perfect. It was a quick read. A mystery. A romance. All the elements that make it an intriguing book for me. I read it in a day and I would recommend it to anyone 14+.
• Big Lies in a Small Town by Diane Chamberlin - Ugh. This book. Simultaneously different and similar to what I normally read. It's definitely a thriller-suspense-mystery type book which I have been LOVING lately. It's about a new art opening, individuals with troubled pasts, and heavy topics that forever change the characters. It was honestly hard to read at times because of the subject matter, but I guess that's what makes it good. Some of the best stories are often the ones that are the hardest to hear. Recommended age 18+

Honorable mentions because I didn't read them this week:

• Regretting You by Colleen Hoover - I will say it OVER and OVER again. GO READ COLLEEN HOOVER. She is honestly one of my favorite authors and people. I was lucky enough to meet her and her family and they are the most down-to-earth humans. Colleen is hilarious and generous; she started a 100% non profit charity that does amazing things and her Instagram stories make me laugh out loud. But her words. Her words make me cry and laugh and feel all the things. This book was no different. What happens when you make a decision and realize many years later that it wasn't exactly what you wanted? What happens when life makes a decision for you and changes everything? What happens to mother-daughter relationships when they are forced to make hard choices? This book answers all those questions and more. It was SO GOOD! Good for ages 16+
• The Wives by Tarryn Fisher - Ever read a book and the end makes you ask yourself, "What the hell just happened,"? Yeah. This is that book. Tarryn is one of those writers; she makes you think. Her stories are basically allegories and the subjects are deep and dark and disturbing in very unique ways. They always make me question everything and The Wives is no different. Thursday is one of three wives; she gets her "husband" just a night or two a week and knows very little about his other lives. But one day a paper falls out of his pocket and suddenly Thursday has the opportunity to answer all her unasked questions. But with each answer comes a puzzling predicament that keeps the reader guessing right until the very last sentence. Good luck with this one. It's twisted but so worth it. 18+ for this one

"Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul."

-Plato

Music is one of those things where personal preference is everything. Genres of music become sacred battlegrounds where advocates find their own truths. Songs become personal anthems and bring with them strong memories. Lyrics create tales of battles won or lost; emotions felt so strongly they bring tears to your eyes or goosebumps to your skin. Music is one of those things.

Here are the songs that I am loving right now:

• The Frozen II soundtrack - I know. I love Disney. Frozen II is all the rage right now. But honestly, I am OBSESSED with this movie. Despite the fact that it was incredibly done in terms of consistency from the first movie and with character development, the messages that come through are SO POWERFUL. Anna's "The Next Right Thing" is heartbreaking; it almost has notes of depression and struggle in it and what a powerful message to address to young kids. Elsa's "Show Yourself" is an ode to being comfortable with who you are despite what others expect of you. The songs are haunting and beautiful and make me feel sad and uplifted and all the emotions. "All is Found" should get an honorable mention too.
• "Hallelujah" by Pentatonix - This has been a favorite for a long time, but lately it makes me feel hopeful. Hopeful that I can belt out the lyrics and not be ashamed of how I feel. Hopeful that some things never change and can outlast time. Hopeful that there is an end to the chaos.
• Anything by the Lumineers - I personally think this band is very underrated. Something about their unique soulful tone touches me in such a personal way. Their lyrics are catchy and their songs have meanings beyond what one might think. I almost always have them on when I am writing or just trying to find some peace. Personal favorites include "Nobody Knows", "Ophelia", "Angela", and "Stubborn Love".

Honorable mentions because I did this with the book section:

• "Dancing with Your Ghost" by Sasha Sloan - Such a haunting song. Such a unique voice. Love everything about this song.
• "Songbird" by Bailey Bryan - Such beautiful lyrics. Such a simple tone of voice that makes you feel everything. Love discovering new artists and their beautiful words.

Time and words. Sometimes we have too much of both. Sometimes we don't have enough of either. What we do with them is what determines our attitudes, our fears, our dispositions, our motivation. Time and words. Concepts that have completely changed our world within the past few weeks.

What are you going to do with them? 

Greatest Challenge

There's a quote on Pinterest that I saved a while ago and it goes something like this...

"I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worm pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings."

I like this quote so much because it's true. I like cancelled plans because they bring new possibilities and a chance to relax. I like empty bookstores because books speak to my soul. I love rain and thunderstorms so much that I have lightening bolts tattooed to my ankle. I like quiet coffee shops because the smell of coffee is as close to heaven as I can get and it's easier to hear conversations among friends. I don't really like messy beds but cuddling on the couch with over-fluffed comforters and over-worn sweatshirts mean I can finally relax.

But most of all the quote reminds me that life is really about enjoying the little things in a life that is often over-planned.

Lately life has been really challenging. In fact, recently I have felt burnt-out. So burnt-out that I felt like I was running on caffeine and anxiety. I literally reached my breaking point because everything seemed to go wrong. All the unexpected things happened at once. Really tough, really uncomfortable things. Things that made me question both my purpose and my decision-making. Each day was tougher than the last. And I felt so alone.

I was facing my greatest challenge. Actually, my greatest challenges.

I was struggling as a teacher. I was struggling as a mom. I was struggling as an individual.

Ask any teacher what they need and it will be one of two things: support or time. Sure, money for materials is great. We all sorely lack efficient textbooks, technology pieces, and office supplies. Money would also be helpful for enrichment activities like field trips and in-house programs. But time and support; those two items are priceless. There wasn't enough time in my day to sit down with the students who "got lost in the mix"; the kiddos who are quiet, answer questions when asked, and generally cause no interruptions. Instead my time was spent putting out fires; supporting children who were so dis-regulated that they couldn't communicate their needs and just destroyed their environment. My time was spent relaying messages between administration and coworkers. My time was spent worrying about how I was going to provide information when I had no answers.

What I really needed was support.

Support with communicating with families who do not understand the regulations and procedures of preschool. Support with providing an emotional and social foundation to students who are literally crying for help. Support with following through on the details of my job instead of wondering what I was expected to do next. Support with following-up on meetings, communicating with other professionals, and ensuring that policies are followed by all. Support with forming a team that ultimately kept the child in the forefront of all decisions.

Support that I just couldn't figure out how to get.

Ask any mom what she needs and support is probably another huge answer. However, I am extremely lucky and support is what I have; I have a strong team of individuals who help my children out everyday. For that, I am thankful beyond words. What I needed as a mom is what thousands of others moms need at some point as well. I needed to know that it would eventually be okay. As a parent, you are faced with countless decisions and situations that arise; situations that need immediate answers and have potentially life-long implications. I was at a crossroads. I was facing academic, social and emotional, and cognitive difficulties with both of my children. Issues that I couldn't solve even though I tried so hard. Issues that required time and appointments and decisions. I was doubting myself and each day was a struggle.

I doubted everything.

I doubted my ability to be a parent. Was I doing the right thing? Should I have acted sooner? Pushed harder for appointments and decisions? I doubted my ability as a teacher. I taught kids for a living and here my own children were struggling with their own learning environments. Did I really know how to teach? Should I have put in more time with homework? I was feeling extremely guilty. Maybe it was genetics that caused some of these problems. Maybe it was my own attitude and disposition that influenced the outcome of these areas. Maybe I chose wrong somewhere along the way. Maybe it was just me. Reassurance is what I needed. Reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

But reassurance was the one thing that I just couldn't find.

Ask any individual what they need more of and their answers might vary. Maybe they need money to keep up with bills. Maybe they need the newest Gucci bag that just came out. Maybe they need a vacation to get away from their everyday life. Maybe they need more sleep. Ask me and I need more self care. Care for my spirit, my body, and my mind. For several years I have been battling a crippling struggle with my health. It began with Lyme Disease and spiraled into joint pain, countless doctor visits and then lots of medications. Medications for joint pain, medications for anxiety due to health issues, medications for pain management. Medications that I just wanted to get away from and for a while, I was okay. Then this summer, everything fell apart; my body literally fell apart. In September I was diagnosed with precursors for an eye disease. September I learned I had a heart condition. January brought information of a lesion/small tumor on my kidneys. The same tests showed significant disc degeneration in my back, an enlarged liver, and reproductive issues. February I was diagnosed with a reproductive issue that requires a hysterectomy. But, my liver enzymes, kidney issues, and heart condition meant that I cannot safely undergo surgery. Plus my entire body was riddled with lymph nodes that were swollen; I was a walking compromised immune system. My body was literally falling apart in front of me. The medical bills were piling up and the solutions were few and far between.

I was broken. Literally and figuratively.

My greatest challenges were coming fast and furious and then less than a month after the latest battle, COVID-19 begins to hit its' peak. Hysteria in the media. Anxiety over watching and listening to the news. Warnings for those who are elderly and with weakened immune systems. Would the hits never stop coming? My doctors had just told me to be careful for all the aforementioned issues and here I was listening to how individuals were dying from COVID-19 because of their underlying health issues.

I was scared. Honestly, I still am.

But then schools closed. Social distancing was being reinforced and life got put on hold for us. Or at least for me and my kids. For my family. While my husband still has to work, we were left with a lot of time at home on our hands. For the first time in a long time, cancelled plans, messy beds, comfy clothes and enjoying the small joys in life were possible. This weekend was the first weekend without plans. My family played lots of board games, we caught up on cleaning and laundry, we had family movie nights every night, we read stories, and we spent time outside. We enjoyed the little things. It was really nice.

I am still scared. The parenting doubt hasn't gone away. My medical problems are still at the forefront of my mind. I worry about my students and what they are doing with this unexpected time off.

But, I am taking this as an answer to my greatest challenges. I was burnt-out. I was dreading work. I was filled with anxiety and fear over questions that I didn't have answers to. I was running on empty. But now, I can just take a step back. I can provide structure for my kids. I can get back to hobbies I haven't enjoyed in a while (like blogging). I can make a dent in my to-be-read list. I can tackle home projects and chores I neglected for far too long. I can just breathe. 

I can live a simple life for a while. And it feels so nice.

Dear Jenifer

Write the Words You Need to Hear:

Dear Jenifer,
As I sit here and listen to "Nobody Knows" by the Lumineers, I am struck by the closing lyrics:

"Nobody knows how the story ends. Live the day doing what you can. This is only where it began. Nobody knows how the story ends. Nobody knows how the story ends."

This is one of my favorite songs and one of my favorite bands. I have sung these lyrics out loud and inside my head so many times before. But today, I cannot get those last words from repeating over and over in my mind.

Nobody knows how the story ends. 

Here you are on Day Seven of Mindfulness. You have taken the time every day to express how you truly feel living with anxiety and depression. You have written about the ways in which you can take time for yourself; to lessen the anxiety, to halt the obsessive thoughts, and to remind yourself of all the good you get to experience. You didn't do this for attention or for blog views or to even to force views of anxiety and depression on others. You did this for you. This week was a good week. But, not every week is a good one. Who knew that this is where your story would lead you.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

There are so many moments that you experienced growing up and I can tell you about all the moments where you could have faced your anxiety. In elementary school, you could have worn that dress with the frilly edges, the one that had a matching top and shorts in a pretty silk material; it was beautiful and it didn't matter what anyone would say when they saw you wearing it. But instead, you cried at home, in the car all the way to school, and made yourself so sick that your mom had no choice but to take you home and to change your clothes. In middle school, you didn't have to hide your emotions for so long about the boy who was inappropriate on the bus; you didn't have to feel shameful or obsess over what everyone was going to think of you. You could have told sooner. In high school, your cheeks didn't have to turn red when someone "confronted" you about wearing sandals from Walmart; you didn't have to lie about it. You could have just said, "Yes" and walked away. In college, you could have stayed longer and ventured out of your room more often; you didn't have to cry in your dorm room and feel so "lost". When you got older, you didn't have to let your anxiety prevent you from making new friends, from becoming a teacher sooner, from setting boundaries.

Live the day doing what you can.

But, all those moments did happen. You, we, survived them by "doing what you can". Each moment of anxiety and depression and indecision has led you to the person who you are today. You have made friends with the kindest, most gentle-hearted human beings who have supported you through all life's ups and downs; who have proved that you don't have to face anything alone. You made it through six years of college; you have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and are four classes away from a Masters degree. You have your dream job, despite the fact that you took a different direction to get there; everyday you teach children to be kinder people, some of them who see you as their only source of stability. You have two beautiful children who make you laugh until you cry, who put all their effort into school and developing their personalities, who make your life fuller and brighter. You have experienced a love that takes your breathe away, causes lighting to strike, and makes you realize the importance of effort. You did all of that and so much more.

Live the day doing what you can.

Each day you wake up trying to be a better person; proving how strong you truly can be. You have taken all the steps required to become smarter, be more passionate, and more self-aware. You have learned to set boundaries and have become more firm on saying, "no". You have proven to be a leader instead of being complacent. You have found creative outlets that allow you to write what you feel and show how much talent you possess. You have learned to "inhale" and "exhale" and that "everything happens for a reason". You have survived great loss; one that still takes you by surprise at times. You have overcome so much.

This is only where it began. 

There are so many things I would write to your younger self. I could write about boyfriends who would hurt you, or about how you should have chosen the local community college instead of the $40,000 college where you were miserable, or how you should've been wiser about spending your money. But, instead I would tell your younger self about honesty; living with it, feeling it, and understanding how honesty can lead to healing. I would tell your younger self about relationships; about distinguishing the real ones from the fake, about solidifying them by answering more phone calls, about understanding the effort required for making and keeping them. I would tell your younger self about expression; the importance of using expression to speak up for those who cannot, being mindful of how words and expressions are two very different things, about using expression to influence those around you in positive ways. I would tell your younger self about bravery; that there are all sorts of heroes and ways to be brave, that sometimes you are the brave one, and sometimes it's okay to let others be brave for you. I would tell your younger self everything that I am telling my current self.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

Right now, your new journey is mindfulness. You started this week with good intentions and you are finishing it in the same way; with the best of intentions. To make yourself know your own worth. To lift yourself up after a really tough time. To acknowledge the good that exists alongside the overwhelming. To remind yourself to be careful of your thoughts. To live in the moment. To focus on self-care. To practice mindfulness every single day.

You don't know how the story ends. But up until this point, you did a great job of being true to who you are as a person. You completed Seven Days of Mindfulness. And possibly helped others along the way.

Write the words you need to hear.

Well, Jenifer. You just did. For the past seven days.

Love always,
You

Thankful

Every year (typically in the United States), most people gather around the table for Thanksgiving and discuss why they are thankful. They might be thankful for their family, for their friends, or for their career paths. Sometimes it is easy to say what we are thankful for but sometimes the answers are not as easy to come by; perhaps we are struggling in the moment or frustrated at the card of hands we are dealt. But for the most part, we give thanks.

But being thankful is more than celebrating one day. It is about being thankful for each day we are dealt.

Therefore, Day Six of Mindful is a thankfulness post. Each day we have something to be thankful for, despite the fact that each day may be hard. At the very least, we can be thankful we are alive.

Write About Ten Things For Which You are Thankful:

• National Margarita Day and sharing it with friends.
• Coworkers who are more than; more than people who I share 40 hours. People who I genuinely value and trust and care about.
• Children who make me laugh, cry, and realize the value of life.
• A warm home and cooked food to come home to.
• Money to spend on the necessities; food, shelter, clothing, water.
• Books; I am not sure what I would do if I could not read.
• A career that I went to school for and one that I value, even if there are those who do not value me in the same way.
• Family; friends who become family and extended family that I could not imagine my life without.
• Free will; the freedom to choose my career, schooling, and the way in which I represent myself. In many countries and cultures, this is frowned upon and I am truly thankful I have a "voice".
• Time; there are individuals who breathe their last breathe before they truly get to live their life. I know how precious time can be; how much it can make a difference. I am truly thankful for having more time to love, to live, and to breathe.

What are the things for which you are thankful?

Just Remember

When things seem tough, I want to remember...

• ...my kid's smiles that make it worth it.
• ...walks around the town green and Star Wars marathons.
• ...the feeling of having co-workers who make me laugh constantly and are there to support me.
• ...😍 and "star-shaped cookie cutters".
• ...it is what it is.
• ...margaritas and a "sprinkle/cakepop graveyard" on the kitchen floor.
• ...the laughter in my nephew's voice when we first saw the sign into Disney.
• ...all day bookstore and Olive Garden runs.
• ..."stakeouts" with my best friend and the flower petals during low tide.
• ...how the rain and thunderstorms make me feel.
• ...the smell of a good book and a strong cup of coffee.
• ...my brother saying, "I love you Jen" and "it will be okay".
• ...Melanie's Mall escapades and last night "therapy" sessions.
• ...the taste of boxed brownies and deviled eggs (not together).
• ...rolling down a grassy, upstate New York hill.
• ...the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies a degree earned, a position taken, and a step-up the career ladder.
• ...messages "just because".
• ...little victories.
• ...being stronger than expected.
• ...progress.

Day Five of Mindfulness is a short one, but a necessary one. It is what gets us through love and loss, happiness and sadness, relaxation and anxiety, stress and easy-going times. It is unique to all of us and represents times that we experienced true happiness and bliss.

Just being able to remember a good thought, moment, and person proves that there has been a handful of good times. That true happiness is possible.

Sometimes, it's about choosing happiness. While it can be hard to consciously do that, it is possible. Remembering all the good in everyday, helps making remembering the good during the difficult times, more manageable. 

What do you want to remember during the tough times?

Awareness

Being mindful is the simple act of living in the moment: understanding and accepting your emotions and/or experiences and knowing what you can do to either change them or move forward with the moment. Mindfulness is a practice that must occur daily. Individuals need to be able to really understand how they are feeling; what are your triggers, what emotions make you feel anxious or harmful, what experiences lead to doubt or success, what are the ways that make you want to leave a situation or remain fully present in the moment? Sometimes understanding yourself (deep down knowing what you body, heart, and mind really want) requires creative methods (i.e. journaling, artistic expression, or meditation) or sometimes it might require outside forces (i.e. therapy, accepting constructive criticism, or learning from past experiences).

Mindfulness is a continuous process. One that is really hard to practice. One that I had never heard of until last year.

Last year, I started therapy; talk therapy with a clinical social worker. While she was ultimately not the best fit for me, some of the concepts she discussed really helped me recognize my own self-worth and my own self-induced reservations. She brought to light a lot of past experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today and helped me talk through current situations that were weighing on my mind. I cried a lot in her office and I cried a lot on the way home sometimes. Because part of being mindful is recognizing your "flaws" and acknowledging your triggers.

Acknowledging your "darkest parts" is really difficult. It requires a lot of personal growth. Which ultimately, takes time.

In our sessions, I realized how much of a perfectionist I turn myself into. I don't just write papers for school, I write novels complete with the best language, research ideas, and grammar possible; getting a grade lower than 90 (and even that is low) is unacceptable for me. It makes me feel worthless. At work, I don't just write learning experience plans, I have to write detailed descriptions with activities that are planned with individualization, minute details, and the best ideas. Anything less makes me feel unaccomplished. The idea of being less than perfect, actually triggers a lot of anxiety and stress for me; it causes me to create self-doubt, it causes me to have heart palpitations and agitate and makes me want to cry.

Being "less" and "imperfect" are one of my triggers. I can accept that now.

Over the year, I have worked a lot on recognizing my need for perfection and while I still hate getting less than a certain score on a paper or assignment, I have learned to write it and let it go. I don't let myself worry about it over time and I don't tell myself I am a bad student, teacher or mother. I started leaving notes near my computer at home that build up my self-esteem and confidence and that has helped. It's a constant struggle, but one that I am actively working towards.

But, that's not the only thing that causes me to break out in a sweat, doubt my abilities, or creates obsessive thoughts.

Being mindful is about recognizing your emotions, and essentially your triggers, and finding a way to overcome them. So Day Four of Mindfulness is about recognition and change.

Choose One Thing That Triggers Anxiety or Depression and Write About a Few Ways That You Can Control This Trigger:

One trigger for my anxiety is unplanned changes in my schedule.

• Because I am a perfectionist, and because I have OCD (the "obsessive thought" kind not the "wash you hands a million times until they bleed because germs are bad" kind), I actively plan out how my days go. I am a person who relies on routine and I crave that consistency. I wake up at the same time everyday (kids make it so I rarely sleep-in), follow the same get-ready morning routine, do the same activities and motions at work, and come home to do the same dinner-homework-play time-bed time routines. On the weekends, I feel more comfortable in my scheduling and I am generally more flexible, but even then, there's habit.
• A few weeks ago, I came into work and there were simply too many people in my classroom. I planned on only having one extra person for support that day. But then suddenly there were 4 extra people, plus extra students and everything went down hill from there. First, my senses went into overdrive; all I could hear was how loud it was, how everyone was calling out for my name, how much chaos resulted from the extra bodies. Next came the demands; this teacher wanted to meet for a meeting, that teacher wanted to know what her responsibilities for the day were, and another teacher wanted to know when she could set-up. The kids wanted me to sit with them, talk with them, and help them use the bathroom. Demand after demand came quick. Finally my body went into overdrive; I dealt with the kiddos who needed extra attention, made sure I scheduled a meeting for another time, and guided the other teacher about our typical schedule and where she was best needed. There were still a lot of bodies, but instinct kicked in and it all worked out. But the rest of the day was a mess for me; I teared up, ranted to a coworker, felt on edge, and needed to ultimately take time away from the situation.
• While I know I am a great teacher and that all those responsibilities are mine; it's the aftermath of the chaotic situation that's hard for me. It was the idea of my schedule and routine being different. It was the overabundance of individuals that sent my senses into overdrive. It was the outside factors that made my room so frustrating at the time. It was a lot I simply could not control and for someone with OCD and perfectionist-tendencies, that was too much to handle.

Schedule changes/routines are one of my triggers. But, I acknowledge that and therefore, I can make it better.

How I Can Make It Better:

• Take a deep breath: In my classroom, we do a lot of controlled breathing; it helps to reset the nervous systems and allows your body to come into focus in the moment so you can recognize how you are feeling. I have tried meditation through the Headspace app and through yoga before and there is a lot of meaning behind controlling your breathing. Sometimes the easiest thing to do for yourself is to simply breathe.
• Remove myself from the situation: In an ideal world, I would be able to do this whenever I know I am reaching that point of sensory overload. In a realistic world, it is not always easy to walk away from a situation. But, I can sit down. I can take a moment to breathe and think. I can just "get through" until there comes a time when I can just walk away. Recognizing when you need to remove yourself from a situation (a heated moment with a lover, a family spat, or even a tense staff meeting) is so important for mental health.
• Acknowledge that sometimes, it's okay to just let it go: This year (and a little bit of last year), my coworkers and I really embraced the mantra, "It is what it is". Short staffed: "It is what it is". Denied a day off from work while your coworker got it approved: "It is what it is". Encounter an administrator who is inappropriate and has mood swings: "It is what it is". Get pooped or peed on by a kiddo who you know should've been home sick: "It is what it is". A lot of times in life, we simply cannot change the circumstances; we can come up with a hundred ideal scenarios but it won't change what is realistically happening. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and perfect moments; it's heartbreak and tears and frustration and biased opinions. It's also about accepting that no one, and I mean no one (even you Becky with the good hair and shit attitude) is perfect. Things go wrong. Schedules change. And moments are ruined. And it is okay to just move on and let it go. "It is what it is".

What triggers you and what can you do to make it better?