Most people know that I am avid book reader. In fact, I have posted two blogs about my favorite books and authors. I have met one of my favorite authors (Jodi Picoult) last year. I enter contests daily on Goodreads to win free books and to keep track of my yearly reading progress. I cannot devour books fast enough and my book list is never ending. But, this blog isn't about books.
It is about a concept that I recently read in one of my new favorite books.
Colleen Hoover is one of my favorite authors and people. She is hilarious. She gives back to charity. And I love the subject of her stories; they are heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and romantic. Colleen recently published a book titled It Ends With Us, which I have read three times since it released in August. One of my favorite parts about the book is the concept of "naked truths".
Naked truths (as explained by the main character and consequently Colleen Hoover) are the truths that people are afraid to say outloud. They are the thoughts that we keep to ourselves because we fear what others might say or feel in response to our words. Throughout the book, naked truths are spoken. About how the characters feel when they first meet, their relationships with their families, their emotions throughout their own relationship. It's what makes the main characters unique and what dictates their entire relationship.
I love the idea of naked truths.
Why don't people speak their mind more often? Why is it so hard to admit what you really want to say? If you are cheating on your significant other, why not just say so? Why not admit that there was a problem in your relationship in the first place? It would certainly stop a lot of the heartbreak, anger, and doubt that ensues. If you are mad or uncomfortable with a co-worker, why not just say so? Isn't the point of having co-workers to learn from one another and accept constructive criticism? If you are frustrated at a family member about their actions, why not just tell them? It would create a stronger relationship and allow you to move past the petty feelings. Why can't we all just say our naked truths and move on?
Perhaps it's because the most naked truths we have to say are the ones that are hardest to admit. Maybe you don't want to admit that you failed at your relationship along the way. Or maybe it's because you have been together so long that you realize that you don't have that much in common anymore. Or maybe you have become different people and you just aren't headed in the same direction anymore. But ultimately, it's because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It's heartbreaking (and more than a little awkward) to say that you don't find someone attractive anymore or that you have a completely different view on life that no longer involves them. Or it could be that you are too afraid to start over. Giving up a relationship means having to start over again; finding your own space, finding a new outlook on life, trying love again, and knowing that the whole dynamic of your family will have to be different. Change is scary and sometimes it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you don't want to admit your naked truth because it would create tensions that make you uncomfortable. Most places of employment require you to interact with someone on a daily basis. If you admit that you don't respect what they are doing or that you think they need to change, it might hurt their feelings. Or they might grow defensive. And then you have an ugly work situation to deal with. One that might end up with you as the source of gossip or even worse, fired. Not being able to predict the future is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Perhaps you know that a naked truth will leave someone with a hard to face reality. Families are complicated. Although you may be related to someone, that doesn't mean you agree with their personality or their point of view regarding life or even their work ethic. Perhaps saying your naked truth to them might mean that your whole family dynamic changes. Grudges are kept, tensions run high, and regret is a bitter taste on your tongue. Being honest and going against your support system is scary and therefore, it's easier to leave a naked truth unsaid.
Last year I learned that if I kept quiet, I would slowly destroy who I was as a person and as an educator. I let someone else dictate my feelings and I refused to be an active participant. I promised myself one year ago, that I would no longer be an innocent bystander. And I wasn't. I spoke up about the injustices I felt at work. I was more honest to my family members and friends. In fact, I just wrote an e-mail to one of my professors about a subjective question on a test. I have slowly become more vocal and I truly appreciate the person I have become.
But that doesn't mean it's any easier to say a naked truth. In fact, I leave a lot of naked truths unsaid.
Naked truths require you to step outside of your boundaries. To take a leap of faith and hope that your relationship with someone doesn't (or does, depending on the situation) change drastically. It means that you have to admit that you don't agree with someone and know that they might have something to say, which you don't want to hear. It means that you have to break a few hearts, disregard someone else's feelings, and know that your life could change forever. Naked truths mean that you have to admit something out loud and not know what could unfold.
I know that some people will read this and think that they are honest and that they do admit their naked truths. And I'm sure that these beliefs might be true to some extent. But to be honest, some of the people that I have known to say that they are "honest with everyone" and that they "speak their mind all the time" or admit "I told so-and-so this" are the ones who hold back the biggest naked truths. They are the ones who admit one thing, but then twist the truth in their favor. They aren't honest with the people who truly matter; their significant others, their family members, their loved ones, their co-workers. They are the ones who become the gossip queens (or kings). They are the ones who hold back the most. Because it's scary to admit to those who are closest to you that you don't respect their practices, that you disagree with their opinions, or that your point of view is vastly different than theirs. Naked truths are ugly and scary and bold. And most people are not as bold as they think they are or as bold as they want to be.
Today I admitted a big naked truth to someone and it hurt like hell. It meant that I had to admit that I was a failure at something. That life wasn't going to turn out the way I had predicted. It made me realize that I would have to start over. Naked truths are ugly and today I finally realized that naked truths can't be left unsaid because they just lead to more hurt and false promises.
So, I challenge you (if I even have any readers) to admit one naked truth. Tell someone you truly care about or someone who you see on a daily basis how you feel. It's going to be hard and it's going to be ugly. In the end, it might change the weight on your shoulders. It might change the dynamic of your relationship. It might end in an unexpected way. But, it will make the next naked truth you admit a little easier to stomach.
Although this post was meant to be incredibly serious, I would like to admit a few ridiculous naked truths to get the ball rolling:
1. When I'm in public and I fart, I blame it on my kids because I find it extremely uncomfortable to admit that I was the one who passed gas.
2. I eat food off the floor after more than five seconds, but only if it's in my own home. (P.S. Fun fact, the five second rule is non existent. The food is dirty the second it hits the floor. Thank-you Myth Busters).
3. I judge people by their bumper stickers on their cars. (Hint, if you have an "I love Trump" or "Make America Great Again" sticker on your car, I am SERIOUSLY judging you).
Writing is good for the soul and my soul can speak volumes.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
Mondays
"The same boiling water that hardens eggs will soften the carrot. Everything depends on the individual's particular reaction to stressful situations." Dr. James Dobson Hide or Seek
Today was hard. When faced with a stressful situation, I cried and left the room. When faced with a stressful situation, I couldn't handle it. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a heavy heart. A bruised physical body. And a withdrawn personality. I questioned myself.
Was it my fault?
Is this the right path for me?
What could I have done differently?
Maybe I need to reorganize my life?
What if today happens again? Can I handle it?
Then I went home. My son yelled, "Mommy. Mommy." My daughter asked, "Is mom home? Where is she?" before I walked in the door. We went for a walk. My son laughed. My daughter smiled. I watched them walk down the street hand-in-hand. I got to eat dinner with my family. I helped my daughter with her homework, which she got all right. My son and I had a dance party in the middle of my bedroom. My son cuddled with me on the couch. My daughter said, "I love you. Good night," before she went to bed. My son fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while. And then I thought.
Today wasn't my fault.
I am on the right path.
I will try a new strategy tomorrow.
If I reorganized my life, I would miss these beautiful moments that make it ok.
If it happens again, I know I have support. I can handle it.
"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what others are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." Unknown
Today was hard. I struggled through a difficult situation and felt like a failure. I wondered where I belonged and if I was strong enough. Then I spoke to my brother. He told me he got his leg checked out two weeks ago and it's not his bone that's broken or fractured, it's his muscles that are hurting. He's wearing a brace. He told me he was going to see his Pulmonologist tomorrow because he's having trouble breathing. When I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday, he said, "It doesn't matter. I just want to make it through it pain free." And then I thought.
Why was my day so bad?
I'm shallow to think that my morning was hard when there are people struggling to breathe. When walking isn't a luxury that's granted to everyone.
What if I couldn't make it through the day without being in physical or emotional pain?
Then my brother made me laugh. He asked how I was doing. He gave me sympathy for my tough day. He asked how my kids were. He said he loves them and can't wait to see them again. He said he missed me. Then he said goodbye. He promised to call me tomorrow to let me know how his doctor visit went. And then I thought.
Today was manageable. It wasn't so bad.
I'm not shallow. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you. Maybe my day wasn't as hard as my brothers, but my day could've been harder than another person's. And someone else had a tougher day than my brother.
Life hands each person struggles that only they can make it through. My brother is tougher than I am; he smiles through the physical and emotional pain. I would crumple, but I am tougher than someone else. Maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do what I do. Life isn't any harder than what you can handle.
"The only person that I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday." Unknown
Today was hard. I felt defeated. I wondered if I could lift the ache in my heart as fast as the bruises would mend on my legs. Then I thought about who I am. I am a mother. I help my daughter with her homework. I let my son smear finger paint all over his hands. I kiss boo-boos on scraped knees. I am showered in love and kisses and hugs. Yet, I still try to do better. I work harder so my kids can have vacations. I think of strategies with other moms to get my daughter to socialize more. I wonder what I can do to improve my son's speech. I try new methods to get my son on a regular, independent sleeping schedule. I am a teacher. I plan lessons to teach children new concepts. I implement behavior plans to support children with a variety of abilities in the classroom. I attend professional development meetings. I confer with other colleagues to see what we can collaborate on and learn from. Yet, I still try to do better. I come home and research more social-emotional strategies. I research different behavioral plans. I collaborate with other individuals to improve my teaching practices. I think about what I could do differently and how I can implement that plan. I am a student. I do my homework after my kids go to bed. I am trying to earn my Bachelor's degree. I spend weekends writing papers. I complete my degree requirements. I apply for scholarships. Yet, I still try to do better. I submit papers to my college writing labs to see what I can improve on my research papers. I fight for grades that I believe I deserve. I actively participate and question those around me. I plan ahead, so I know what my options are. I haven't even finished my undergrad degree and I am already thinking about my graduate degree. And then I thought.
Am I really doing better?
How can I still improve myself?
Am I enough?
Then I realized, that because I want to do better. Because I actively engage with the people and things around me. Because I plan and implement. Because I strategize and question. Because I listen and learn. Because I want to do better, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And then I thought.
Yes. I am doing better because I want to do better.
I can improve myself because I am driven and because I still want to become the best me I can be.
I am enough for myself. And that's all I need to be enough for.
"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."
Today was hard. My skin wasn't thick enough. My eyes filled with tears. I had to walk away. Then I sat in silence. After the kids went to bed. After I shut off the tv. After I climbed the stairs. After I sat down at my desk. I thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought about my day. Who I talked to. What I said. How I felt. I remembered that I talked about the way that person looked. Or what that person said. Or what that person believed. Or how that person faced their day. And then I thought.
Who am I to judge them?
Am I perfect? Without flaws?
Does their presence affect who I am and what I believe?
Then I realized, that I was no better than they were. I am no better than the person who looks down on everyone. I am no better than the person who doesn't care about their job. I am no better than the person sucking up to the boss. I am no better than the person who yelled at someone else. I am no better than the person who spread gossip. I am no better than the person who lied. I am no better than the person who I was thinking about, talking about, or looking down upon.
I cannot judge others because I don't know them. They fight battles, physically or mentally, that I know nothing about.
I have flaws. I have committed the same "crimes" as them. I can do better than I did yesterday.
In the long run, they don't matter. They don't change who I am. What I stand for. What I believe. Why I wake up in the morning. They don't live my life and shouldn't play a major role in it.
"Everything that has happened to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to prevent you from growing...You get to choose." Wayne Dyer
Today was hard. But, today I chose to love my kids. I chose to become a better mom, a better teacher, a better student, a better me. Today was hard, but I chose to remember that if a boy in a wheelchair can make you laugh through their pain, if a child with cancer can come into school with a smile on his face, if a single mother can lift her grown son out of bed, I can keep pushing past the physical and emotional pain. Today was hard, but I chose to leave the gossip. The judgement. The petty feelings. Because I am better than that! Today was hard, but I chose this path that I am on. I love this path that I am on. I change the lives of children and families even if those changes are small. I reach for those flawless moments where I get a 100 on my paper. Where I make my son laugh. Where I watch my daughter make new friends. Where I become a better person.
Today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. Because it wasn't today and I choose to be better than I was yesterday.
"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't work, just take another shot." Unknown
Today was hard. When faced with a stressful situation, I cried and left the room. When faced with a stressful situation, I couldn't handle it. For the rest of the day, I walked around with a heavy heart. A bruised physical body. And a withdrawn personality. I questioned myself.
Was it my fault?
Is this the right path for me?
What could I have done differently?
Maybe I need to reorganize my life?
What if today happens again? Can I handle it?
Then I went home. My son yelled, "Mommy. Mommy." My daughter asked, "Is mom home? Where is she?" before I walked in the door. We went for a walk. My son laughed. My daughter smiled. I watched them walk down the street hand-in-hand. I got to eat dinner with my family. I helped my daughter with her homework, which she got all right. My son and I had a dance party in the middle of my bedroom. My son cuddled with me on the couch. My daughter said, "I love you. Good night," before she went to bed. My son fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while. And then I thought.
Today wasn't my fault.
I am on the right path.
I will try a new strategy tomorrow.
If I reorganized my life, I would miss these beautiful moments that make it ok.
If it happens again, I know I have support. I can handle it.
"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what others are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." Unknown
Today was hard. I struggled through a difficult situation and felt like a failure. I wondered where I belonged and if I was strong enough. Then I spoke to my brother. He told me he got his leg checked out two weeks ago and it's not his bone that's broken or fractured, it's his muscles that are hurting. He's wearing a brace. He told me he was going to see his Pulmonologist tomorrow because he's having trouble breathing. When I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday, he said, "It doesn't matter. I just want to make it through it pain free." And then I thought.
Why was my day so bad?
I'm shallow to think that my morning was hard when there are people struggling to breathe. When walking isn't a luxury that's granted to everyone.
What if I couldn't make it through the day without being in physical or emotional pain?
Then my brother made me laugh. He asked how I was doing. He gave me sympathy for my tough day. He asked how my kids were. He said he loves them and can't wait to see them again. He said he missed me. Then he said goodbye. He promised to call me tomorrow to let me know how his doctor visit went. And then I thought.
Today was manageable. It wasn't so bad.
I'm not shallow. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you. Maybe my day wasn't as hard as my brothers, but my day could've been harder than another person's. And someone else had a tougher day than my brother.
Life hands each person struggles that only they can make it through. My brother is tougher than I am; he smiles through the physical and emotional pain. I would crumple, but I am tougher than someone else. Maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do what I do. Life isn't any harder than what you can handle.
"The only person that I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday." Unknown
Today was hard. I felt defeated. I wondered if I could lift the ache in my heart as fast as the bruises would mend on my legs. Then I thought about who I am. I am a mother. I help my daughter with her homework. I let my son smear finger paint all over his hands. I kiss boo-boos on scraped knees. I am showered in love and kisses and hugs. Yet, I still try to do better. I work harder so my kids can have vacations. I think of strategies with other moms to get my daughter to socialize more. I wonder what I can do to improve my son's speech. I try new methods to get my son on a regular, independent sleeping schedule. I am a teacher. I plan lessons to teach children new concepts. I implement behavior plans to support children with a variety of abilities in the classroom. I attend professional development meetings. I confer with other colleagues to see what we can collaborate on and learn from. Yet, I still try to do better. I come home and research more social-emotional strategies. I research different behavioral plans. I collaborate with other individuals to improve my teaching practices. I think about what I could do differently and how I can implement that plan. I am a student. I do my homework after my kids go to bed. I am trying to earn my Bachelor's degree. I spend weekends writing papers. I complete my degree requirements. I apply for scholarships. Yet, I still try to do better. I submit papers to my college writing labs to see what I can improve on my research papers. I fight for grades that I believe I deserve. I actively participate and question those around me. I plan ahead, so I know what my options are. I haven't even finished my undergrad degree and I am already thinking about my graduate degree. And then I thought.
Am I really doing better?
How can I still improve myself?
Am I enough?
Then I realized, that because I want to do better. Because I actively engage with the people and things around me. Because I plan and implement. Because I strategize and question. Because I listen and learn. Because I want to do better, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And then I thought.
Yes. I am doing better because I want to do better.
I can improve myself because I am driven and because I still want to become the best me I can be.
I am enough for myself. And that's all I need to be enough for.
"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."
Today was hard. My skin wasn't thick enough. My eyes filled with tears. I had to walk away. Then I sat in silence. After the kids went to bed. After I shut off the tv. After I climbed the stairs. After I sat down at my desk. I thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought about my day. Who I talked to. What I said. How I felt. I remembered that I talked about the way that person looked. Or what that person said. Or what that person believed. Or how that person faced their day. And then I thought.
Who am I to judge them?
Am I perfect? Without flaws?
Does their presence affect who I am and what I believe?
Then I realized, that I was no better than they were. I am no better than the person who looks down on everyone. I am no better than the person who doesn't care about their job. I am no better than the person sucking up to the boss. I am no better than the person who yelled at someone else. I am no better than the person who spread gossip. I am no better than the person who lied. I am no better than the person who I was thinking about, talking about, or looking down upon.
I cannot judge others because I don't know them. They fight battles, physically or mentally, that I know nothing about.
I have flaws. I have committed the same "crimes" as them. I can do better than I did yesterday.
In the long run, they don't matter. They don't change who I am. What I stand for. What I believe. Why I wake up in the morning. They don't live my life and shouldn't play a major role in it.
"Everything that has happened to you is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to prevent you from growing...You get to choose." Wayne Dyer
Today was hard. But, today I chose to love my kids. I chose to become a better mom, a better teacher, a better student, a better me. Today was hard, but I chose to remember that if a boy in a wheelchair can make you laugh through their pain, if a child with cancer can come into school with a smile on his face, if a single mother can lift her grown son out of bed, I can keep pushing past the physical and emotional pain. Today was hard, but I chose to leave the gossip. The judgement. The petty feelings. Because I am better than that! Today was hard, but I chose this path that I am on. I love this path that I am on. I change the lives of children and families even if those changes are small. I reach for those flawless moments where I get a 100 on my paper. Where I make my son laugh. Where I watch my daughter make new friends. Where I become a better person.
Today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. Because it wasn't today and I choose to be better than I was yesterday.
"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't work, just take another shot." Unknown
Thursday, March 31, 2016
It's Complicated
Life is...complicated.
And so is this blog post. If you are easily offended, stop reading. I am brutally honest about how I feel and I don't need any more judgements. So take this post with a grain of salt and I will do the same with your opinion.
Today I was watching a video about this young man who bought over $100 of McDonald's food and handed it out to homeless people in the area. When he ran out of food, he went to Rite Aid and purchased more food and drinks and handed them out too. It was a short video, but I was sobbing by the end of it. Not only for the man's kindness and how grateful those who received food were, but because I was astounded by the sheer amount of homeless people he found in the area. Young, old, men, women, children, various ages and races. I'm not naive, I know that there are homeless people in every state and in every country, but still, it makes you think.
What circumstances brought those individuals to live on the streets? How did they get to where they are now? How do they survive the elements and hunger? Will their lives change? Do they have family or friends?
It also makes me feel extremely blessed. I have a roof over my head, food on my table every night, and a family who loves and supports me. I have a job and money to spend. I have good friends. I am fortunate enough to be in school, which gives me the opportunity to better myself and earn a better living for my family. I am truly lucky.
But, life is complicated... It's not about "he has it tougher than me" or "my issues are more severe than that person's problems" or "this happened to me, so I am entitled to this". That's not the way life works.
Each of our problems are just as significant. We all have battles to fight and lose. We all have heartbreak and love. We all have obstacles that seem impossible to overcome. We all have moments where it's hard to place ourselves in another's shoes. Each of our emotions and struggles are valid.
Which is while even though that video touched me and made me feel grateful for all I have in my life, I still had a rough day. I am still experiencing situations that have no "one right answer". Even though I am not homeless and even though I have a great family, I still think life is complicated.
I feel...frustrated.
There are some situations in my life that I have absolutely no control over. It's impossible to watch someone you love struggle with everyday functions. It's heartbreaking to know that they cannot feed themselves or that they don't understand what is happening around them. It's difficult to know how quickly someone's personality and physical state have changed over the course of a few short years. Where you once remember them as lively, interactive individuals and now see them as people who are listless and have defeated spirits. It's so hard to put into words what you want to give them. You want them to remember who they are. You want them to be able to get up and walk out the door so they can experience independence on a different level. You want them to stop hurting. But, you can't take it away or change their circumstance.
You can't give them their strength back. You can't help them remember what they used to be like. You can't watch them walk out the door. You can't bring love into their lives when others aren't willing to look past their "differences". You can't breathe for them. You can't take away their pain. You can't walk for them. You can't help them understand when that function is gone. And you can't make others understand what they fight so hard to ignore.
I think that's even more frustrating. You see this person struggle day in and day out and some people just don't understand it. They aren't there to see the good and bad moments. They aren't there to see how little moments become huge struggles. They aren't there to see you pick someone up off the floor. They aren't there to see how someone has changed after a "setback". They take it all for granted. They don't understand how precious each good moment is or how the tough moments make you grateful for all you have. They don't understand how influential their phone calls, visits, or kind words can be.
I feel frustrated because I can't help others the way I want to and I can't make someone see how their actions are affecting those in their life.
I feel...hurt
I have always wanted to be a teacher. I used to collect worksheets and books from my elementary school teachers at the end of the year, so I could "play school" all summer long. I babysat growing up because I loved children and enjoyed seeing their faces light up when they learned something new. I observed the qualities of my favorite teachers to see how they became so qualified and beloved by their students. I applied to several teaching colleges and enrolled in a school that got me into a classroom my first semester of college. I volunteered at after school programs and in elementary classrooms as a teacher aide working with autistic students. I earned my Associates in Early Childhood Education. I applied for a part-time position and got a full-time position for the first teaching job I ever applied to. I went back to school for my Bachelors in Child Studies and will have my degree and early childhood/kindergarten certification in a few short months. I have a 3.98 GPA and recently got accepted to the Alpha Chi Honor Society. I attend professional development workshops to learn new teaching techniques. I truly love what I do and feel as though I can learn from every experience in my life: good or bad.
But, lately I am struggling to find my place. I feel as though one conversation and one person shifted my entire career and I feel...stuck. Every day I put in a 100%, I remain flexible, and I try so hard to bring new ideas and experiences into what I do. But, there are still people who take advantage of what I do and I feel like I have taken a huge step back. There are still people who have unfair opinions of who I am as a person and who don't consider what I have to say. There are still people who express their indifference towards me until they need a favor. I am trying to make the best of the situation that I was given, but it's hard when you fight every day to overcome opinions and judgements and instability. I feel hurt that I do what I can and it is still met with skepticism or unfair criticism.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let other people define who I am. And I don't. I speak up for myself more now than I ever did before and that has helped with some of the situations that I have faced. But, it still hurts that it's not good enough.
I feel...angry.
There are so many people who take advantage of the situations they are placed in. They don't realize how lucky they are to have that stability in their lives. They don't realize that they were placed into a situation for a reason and they are hurting those around them by not meeting expectations. They don't realize that everything from their attire to their demeanor to their expressions are interpreted by those around them; their actions have consequences. They go through life assuming they are owed something without putting the effort in to earn what they are seeking. They don't problem solve and they simply don't care. It makes me so angry that they don't see the opportunity that they are given and they take advantage of every situation. It makes me angry that there are a million people fighting for their position and they are throwing away what they are given.
Life is complicated. There are situations we cannot control. There are circumstances that have no "right answer". There are emotions that we struggle to define and understand. Life is not black and white; people are not good or bad. You don't know what others are struggling with and you don't know what motivates them to act a certain way. Their problems are not insignificant or more important than yours, they are just different. Each person has their own struggles and their own way of dealing with whatever life hands them. Life is complicated and so are human emotions.
Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so complicated...
And so is this blog post. If you are easily offended, stop reading. I am brutally honest about how I feel and I don't need any more judgements. So take this post with a grain of salt and I will do the same with your opinion.
Today I was watching a video about this young man who bought over $100 of McDonald's food and handed it out to homeless people in the area. When he ran out of food, he went to Rite Aid and purchased more food and drinks and handed them out too. It was a short video, but I was sobbing by the end of it. Not only for the man's kindness and how grateful those who received food were, but because I was astounded by the sheer amount of homeless people he found in the area. Young, old, men, women, children, various ages and races. I'm not naive, I know that there are homeless people in every state and in every country, but still, it makes you think.
What circumstances brought those individuals to live on the streets? How did they get to where they are now? How do they survive the elements and hunger? Will their lives change? Do they have family or friends?
It also makes me feel extremely blessed. I have a roof over my head, food on my table every night, and a family who loves and supports me. I have a job and money to spend. I have good friends. I am fortunate enough to be in school, which gives me the opportunity to better myself and earn a better living for my family. I am truly lucky.
But, life is complicated... It's not about "he has it tougher than me" or "my issues are more severe than that person's problems" or "this happened to me, so I am entitled to this". That's not the way life works.
Each of our problems are just as significant. We all have battles to fight and lose. We all have heartbreak and love. We all have obstacles that seem impossible to overcome. We all have moments where it's hard to place ourselves in another's shoes. Each of our emotions and struggles are valid.
Which is while even though that video touched me and made me feel grateful for all I have in my life, I still had a rough day. I am still experiencing situations that have no "one right answer". Even though I am not homeless and even though I have a great family, I still think life is complicated.
I feel...frustrated.
There are some situations in my life that I have absolutely no control over. It's impossible to watch someone you love struggle with everyday functions. It's heartbreaking to know that they cannot feed themselves or that they don't understand what is happening around them. It's difficult to know how quickly someone's personality and physical state have changed over the course of a few short years. Where you once remember them as lively, interactive individuals and now see them as people who are listless and have defeated spirits. It's so hard to put into words what you want to give them. You want them to remember who they are. You want them to be able to get up and walk out the door so they can experience independence on a different level. You want them to stop hurting. But, you can't take it away or change their circumstance.
You can't give them their strength back. You can't help them remember what they used to be like. You can't watch them walk out the door. You can't bring love into their lives when others aren't willing to look past their "differences". You can't breathe for them. You can't take away their pain. You can't walk for them. You can't help them understand when that function is gone. And you can't make others understand what they fight so hard to ignore.
I think that's even more frustrating. You see this person struggle day in and day out and some people just don't understand it. They aren't there to see the good and bad moments. They aren't there to see how little moments become huge struggles. They aren't there to see you pick someone up off the floor. They aren't there to see how someone has changed after a "setback". They take it all for granted. They don't understand how precious each good moment is or how the tough moments make you grateful for all you have. They don't understand how influential their phone calls, visits, or kind words can be.
I feel frustrated because I can't help others the way I want to and I can't make someone see how their actions are affecting those in their life.
I feel...hurt
I have always wanted to be a teacher. I used to collect worksheets and books from my elementary school teachers at the end of the year, so I could "play school" all summer long. I babysat growing up because I loved children and enjoyed seeing their faces light up when they learned something new. I observed the qualities of my favorite teachers to see how they became so qualified and beloved by their students. I applied to several teaching colleges and enrolled in a school that got me into a classroom my first semester of college. I volunteered at after school programs and in elementary classrooms as a teacher aide working with autistic students. I earned my Associates in Early Childhood Education. I applied for a part-time position and got a full-time position for the first teaching job I ever applied to. I went back to school for my Bachelors in Child Studies and will have my degree and early childhood/kindergarten certification in a few short months. I have a 3.98 GPA and recently got accepted to the Alpha Chi Honor Society. I attend professional development workshops to learn new teaching techniques. I truly love what I do and feel as though I can learn from every experience in my life: good or bad.
But, lately I am struggling to find my place. I feel as though one conversation and one person shifted my entire career and I feel...stuck. Every day I put in a 100%, I remain flexible, and I try so hard to bring new ideas and experiences into what I do. But, there are still people who take advantage of what I do and I feel like I have taken a huge step back. There are still people who have unfair opinions of who I am as a person and who don't consider what I have to say. There are still people who express their indifference towards me until they need a favor. I am trying to make the best of the situation that I was given, but it's hard when you fight every day to overcome opinions and judgements and instability. I feel hurt that I do what I can and it is still met with skepticism or unfair criticism.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let other people define who I am. And I don't. I speak up for myself more now than I ever did before and that has helped with some of the situations that I have faced. But, it still hurts that it's not good enough.
I feel...angry.
There are so many people who take advantage of the situations they are placed in. They don't realize how lucky they are to have that stability in their lives. They don't realize that they were placed into a situation for a reason and they are hurting those around them by not meeting expectations. They don't realize that everything from their attire to their demeanor to their expressions are interpreted by those around them; their actions have consequences. They go through life assuming they are owed something without putting the effort in to earn what they are seeking. They don't problem solve and they simply don't care. It makes me so angry that they don't see the opportunity that they are given and they take advantage of every situation. It makes me angry that there are a million people fighting for their position and they are throwing away what they are given.
Life is complicated. There are situations we cannot control. There are circumstances that have no "right answer". There are emotions that we struggle to define and understand. Life is not black and white; people are not good or bad. You don't know what others are struggling with and you don't know what motivates them to act a certain way. Their problems are not insignificant or more important than yours, they are just different. Each person has their own struggles and their own way of dealing with whatever life hands them. Life is complicated and so are human emotions.
Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so complicated...
Sunday, January 24, 2016
These are a Few of My Favorite Things
Baking. Listening to Music. Blogging. Scrapbooking. These are a few of my favorite things. I'm not much of a cook, but I love to bake; my blueberry muffins and strawberry shortcakes are food-gasm worthy. Adele and Rascal Flatts speak to my soul. Writing is my favorite way to vent and organize my thoughts. Scrapbooking is how my creative talents emerge and how I preserve my memories. These are a few of my favorite things. However, there is something that I love more than all of these hobbies. Something that makes me feel like a world traveler, a teenager experiencing love for the first time, or a bystander with their heart ripped out because of some life-altering decision. Reading makes me feel like I do all of these things and more.
Reading is truly one of my passions; one that I wish I could have for a permanent job. In fact, I get insanely jealous of those people who make money and get free books from writing book blogs or making vlogs about their most recent reads. Reading opens the world to so many possibilities; depending on the type of book, stories can empower you, make you change your view of the world, laugh, cry, and everything in between. Sometimes when I am reading, the world just drifts away. It's my way to relax. It's how I fall asleep at night. It's how I gain insight into a world that, sometimes, makes no sense.
In fact, I love reading so much, that I have written about it on my blog before. I have met my favorite author, Jodi Picoult, and her daughter Samantha van Leer, at a book signing (with a picture to prove it)! I have communicated on Facebook with Colleen Hoover, Jennifer L. Armentrout, and G.A. McKevett. I have entered several book giveaways on goodreads and even won two books! I follow several book blogs and I am constantly looking for new books to add to my never-ending "to-be-read" list. I love to read! Which is why I have decided to combine two of my favorite things, reading and blogging, to create my "FAVORITE BOOKS of 2015 List"!
I read, and viewed videos, from book bloggers and authors alike, who created year-end favorite book lists and I decided to create one of my own. Although I read 60 "new books" (I reread several books as well) last year, there are a few that I felt incredibly passionate about. I narrowed the list down to four books; some of which released last year and some of which have been previously released and I just read them this past year. I should also go on the record saying that none of these authors have paid me to write these reviews; I just honestly love them and feel like the whole world should know about them!
The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah was one of my favorite books last year and it spent several weeks on the New York Times Best Sellers List. I picked up this book for two reasons; first, I won it in a giveaway on goodreads and second, the cover was too stunning to not enter the giveaway for! It's literally a beautiful book inside and out.
The Nightingale is a story of war, family, love, passion, courage, strength, and oppression. It draws you in from the moment you read the first page and keeps your attention with it's heartbreaking descriptions, witty language, and relatable tales. This story follows two sisters, Vianne and Isabelle, who became young women in France during World War II at the time of Hitler's reign. Although neither woman was a Jew, their lives were greatly intertwined with the Nazi regime; their father went to war and came back a changed man, the Nazi's invaded their home town, Vianne's best friend was Jewish, and Isabelle followed her passion and became a hero. Although both sister's personalities, and lives, went in opposite directions, they both found a way to cope with the war and become strong, independent women.
This book made me laugh, cry, and remember the bonds that I have with my own family and sister. I just couldn't put it down! In fact, I want to write so much more about this book, but then I would spoil it for you. But if you are interested in historical fiction or if you love to read about complex family dynamics and passionate love, then The Nightingale is the perfect book for you! If you do like a few spoilers, or if you have read the story already, then I do have a more indepth review on goodreads.
In continuing with the historical fiction theme, I would also like to write about The Book Thief by Markus Zusak which was actually released in 2006 and became a movie in 2013. Just as The Nightingale took place during World War II, this novel follows the Nazi's reign in Germany. Unlike the citizen of France, who had no choice but to follow Hitler's Mein Kampf, the citizens of Germany (like the ones of this story), were mostly proud to follow Hitler's doctrine. Everyone except for Liesel and her accordion-playing foster father. Liesel worships the ground her father walks on; she admires his passion, his dedication to his family, and his ability to speak his mind. With her father's strength, Liesel goes against the Nazi's regime in order to steal books. She bonds with her father over learning to read, she finds strength in their pages, and begins to realize that there is so much more to the war than what's beyond her front door. Liesel's present, and her father's past, soon start to entwine to create an intricate story of stolen books, heart-wrenching moments, and actions that cannot be forgotten.
This story's incredibly hard to describe because of its overall theme and its heartbreaking content. I feel in love with Liesel, her foster father, and her best friend Rudy. This book made me feel so many things and it made me cry. I think I honestly cried while reading the story, but I also cried for days after I completed reading it. It's heartbreaking for me to read anything related to the Holocaust because my family members lived it; my great great aunt was a survivor of a concentration camp who later lived with my father. I have spent my life hearing about stories of the survivors from Lithuania, reading historical fiction related to the war, and watching videos about the heartbreaking events from this time period. It fascinates me, but at the same time horrifies me. This book, and The Nightingale, capture all the heartbreak and courage of these countries and individuals and I cannot praise them enough!
Switching gears, another book that spent months on the Best Sellers List and is going to be turned into a movie, is The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. This psychological thriller follows the uneventful life of the perpetually drunk and bitter Rachel. Everyday Rachel drives the commuter train to and from work focusing on one particular house; that of a lovely couple who she has named "Jess and Jason". She imagines what their lives would be like; their passionate embraces, their beautiful faces, and their immaculate home. In fact, their house is located on the street where she once lived. One day though, Rachel sees something that changes the course of her life, and her thinking. Rachel becomes the center of a missing-person-turned-murder-investigation that involves the life of her ex husband, Tom, his new wife, Anna, and the mysterious "Jess/Jason" whose real names turn out to be Scott and Megan.
Honestly, I was reluctant to read this story because of its' comparisons to Gone Girl (which I am sorry to say, I HATED), but I read it as part of my "26 Book Challenge" because it was the "book everyone has read but me". It was slow to start, but the deplorable character drew me in. They were just average people; they were cheaters and drunks and liars. That could be a number of people that many of us know in real life. Their lives were interwoven in a way that kept me guessing right until the very end. Even though none of the characters "redeemed" themselves, it was a fascinating read and a much better psychological thriller than Gone Girl (which dragged on for me and whose ending was very anti-climactic). It's definitely worth picking up if you are a Law and Order or CSI fan.
The last book that I want to review is another thriller of sorts with a mysterious edge to it. Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight is a young adult novel full of intrigue, complex family relationships, and friendships that are impossible to understand. Reconstructing Amelia tells the tale of high school student Amelia who turns up dead on her private-high school's property. Her mother, Kate, is stunned after the police rule her death a suicide. Even though her and her daughter's relationship had become increasingly strained, she knows that her daughter would never commit such an act after being caught cheating. Her grief, along with an anonymous text about her daughter's death, leads her on a whirlwind investigation into her daughter's life that connects past relationships, high school bullies, and stunning revelations. This tale of the complexities of mother-daughter relationships and vicious rumors makes for an interesting, relatable read.
Although this book is aimed at young adult readers, I feel as though many people can relate to its' underlying issues. There were many secrets that I kept from my own mother during my teenage years that put various strains on our relationship. I experienced first hand how fast rumors could spread in high school and how vicious bullies could be. I knew what it was like to want to be part of the "in-crowd" and wanting to feel accepted. High school is a complex, sometime vicious, environment and I felt like this story highlighted the "all-too-real" truth of what its' inner-workings can be. It was well-written and definitely worth your time!
Those are my top books of 2015. Even though the list is incredibly short, I feel like each of these stories evoked strong emotions in myself and are stunning to read. They made me laugh, cry, and they made me mad; they literally took my breath away and I couldn't recommend them anymore. Please take a little time to read; maybe not these books. But anything. Reading is a great escape, a valuable learning tool, and incredibly important to our youth!
As a little side note, I would love to give a shout out to a person that I recently met and admire already. She is a published author and very kindly linked my blog on her page. Please take a moment to check out Monica Fowler! She is humble and an author that is next on my reading list. Here I come, More Than One!
Reading is truly one of my passions; one that I wish I could have for a permanent job. In fact, I get insanely jealous of those people who make money and get free books from writing book blogs or making vlogs about their most recent reads. Reading opens the world to so many possibilities; depending on the type of book, stories can empower you, make you change your view of the world, laugh, cry, and everything in between. Sometimes when I am reading, the world just drifts away. It's my way to relax. It's how I fall asleep at night. It's how I gain insight into a world that, sometimes, makes no sense.
In fact, I love reading so much, that I have written about it on my blog before. I have met my favorite author, Jodi Picoult, and her daughter Samantha van Leer, at a book signing (with a picture to prove it)! I have communicated on Facebook with Colleen Hoover, Jennifer L. Armentrout, and G.A. McKevett. I have entered several book giveaways on goodreads and even won two books! I follow several book blogs and I am constantly looking for new books to add to my never-ending "to-be-read" list. I love to read! Which is why I have decided to combine two of my favorite things, reading and blogging, to create my "FAVORITE BOOKS of 2015 List"!
I read, and viewed videos, from book bloggers and authors alike, who created year-end favorite book lists and I decided to create one of my own. Although I read 60 "new books" (I reread several books as well) last year, there are a few that I felt incredibly passionate about. I narrowed the list down to four books; some of which released last year and some of which have been previously released and I just read them this past year. I should also go on the record saying that none of these authors have paid me to write these reviews; I just honestly love them and feel like the whole world should know about them!
The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah was one of my favorite books last year and it spent several weeks on the New York Times Best Sellers List. I picked up this book for two reasons; first, I won it in a giveaway on goodreads and second, the cover was too stunning to not enter the giveaway for! It's literally a beautiful book inside and out.
The Nightingale is a story of war, family, love, passion, courage, strength, and oppression. It draws you in from the moment you read the first page and keeps your attention with it's heartbreaking descriptions, witty language, and relatable tales. This story follows two sisters, Vianne and Isabelle, who became young women in France during World War II at the time of Hitler's reign. Although neither woman was a Jew, their lives were greatly intertwined with the Nazi regime; their father went to war and came back a changed man, the Nazi's invaded their home town, Vianne's best friend was Jewish, and Isabelle followed her passion and became a hero. Although both sister's personalities, and lives, went in opposite directions, they both found a way to cope with the war and become strong, independent women.
This book made me laugh, cry, and remember the bonds that I have with my own family and sister. I just couldn't put it down! In fact, I want to write so much more about this book, but then I would spoil it for you. But if you are interested in historical fiction or if you love to read about complex family dynamics and passionate love, then The Nightingale is the perfect book for you! If you do like a few spoilers, or if you have read the story already, then I do have a more indepth review on goodreads.
In continuing with the historical fiction theme, I would also like to write about The Book Thief by Markus Zusak which was actually released in 2006 and became a movie in 2013. Just as The Nightingale took place during World War II, this novel follows the Nazi's reign in Germany. Unlike the citizen of France, who had no choice but to follow Hitler's Mein Kampf, the citizens of Germany (like the ones of this story), were mostly proud to follow Hitler's doctrine. Everyone except for Liesel and her accordion-playing foster father. Liesel worships the ground her father walks on; she admires his passion, his dedication to his family, and his ability to speak his mind. With her father's strength, Liesel goes against the Nazi's regime in order to steal books. She bonds with her father over learning to read, she finds strength in their pages, and begins to realize that there is so much more to the war than what's beyond her front door. Liesel's present, and her father's past, soon start to entwine to create an intricate story of stolen books, heart-wrenching moments, and actions that cannot be forgotten.
This story's incredibly hard to describe because of its overall theme and its heartbreaking content. I feel in love with Liesel, her foster father, and her best friend Rudy. This book made me feel so many things and it made me cry. I think I honestly cried while reading the story, but I also cried for days after I completed reading it. It's heartbreaking for me to read anything related to the Holocaust because my family members lived it; my great great aunt was a survivor of a concentration camp who later lived with my father. I have spent my life hearing about stories of the survivors from Lithuania, reading historical fiction related to the war, and watching videos about the heartbreaking events from this time period. It fascinates me, but at the same time horrifies me. This book, and The Nightingale, capture all the heartbreak and courage of these countries and individuals and I cannot praise them enough!
Switching gears, another book that spent months on the Best Sellers List and is going to be turned into a movie, is The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. This psychological thriller follows the uneventful life of the perpetually drunk and bitter Rachel. Everyday Rachel drives the commuter train to and from work focusing on one particular house; that of a lovely couple who she has named "Jess and Jason". She imagines what their lives would be like; their passionate embraces, their beautiful faces, and their immaculate home. In fact, their house is located on the street where she once lived. One day though, Rachel sees something that changes the course of her life, and her thinking. Rachel becomes the center of a missing-person-turned-murder-investigation that involves the life of her ex husband, Tom, his new wife, Anna, and the mysterious "Jess/Jason" whose real names turn out to be Scott and Megan.
Honestly, I was reluctant to read this story because of its' comparisons to Gone Girl (which I am sorry to say, I HATED), but I read it as part of my "26 Book Challenge" because it was the "book everyone has read but me". It was slow to start, but the deplorable character drew me in. They were just average people; they were cheaters and drunks and liars. That could be a number of people that many of us know in real life. Their lives were interwoven in a way that kept me guessing right until the very end. Even though none of the characters "redeemed" themselves, it was a fascinating read and a much better psychological thriller than Gone Girl (which dragged on for me and whose ending was very anti-climactic). It's definitely worth picking up if you are a Law and Order or CSI fan.
The last book that I want to review is another thriller of sorts with a mysterious edge to it. Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight is a young adult novel full of intrigue, complex family relationships, and friendships that are impossible to understand. Reconstructing Amelia tells the tale of high school student Amelia who turns up dead on her private-high school's property. Her mother, Kate, is stunned after the police rule her death a suicide. Even though her and her daughter's relationship had become increasingly strained, she knows that her daughter would never commit such an act after being caught cheating. Her grief, along with an anonymous text about her daughter's death, leads her on a whirlwind investigation into her daughter's life that connects past relationships, high school bullies, and stunning revelations. This tale of the complexities of mother-daughter relationships and vicious rumors makes for an interesting, relatable read.
Although this book is aimed at young adult readers, I feel as though many people can relate to its' underlying issues. There were many secrets that I kept from my own mother during my teenage years that put various strains on our relationship. I experienced first hand how fast rumors could spread in high school and how vicious bullies could be. I knew what it was like to want to be part of the "in-crowd" and wanting to feel accepted. High school is a complex, sometime vicious, environment and I felt like this story highlighted the "all-too-real" truth of what its' inner-workings can be. It was well-written and definitely worth your time!
Those are my top books of 2015. Even though the list is incredibly short, I feel like each of these stories evoked strong emotions in myself and are stunning to read. They made me laugh, cry, and they made me mad; they literally took my breath away and I couldn't recommend them anymore. Please take a little time to read; maybe not these books. But anything. Reading is a great escape, a valuable learning tool, and incredibly important to our youth!
As a little side note, I would love to give a shout out to a person that I recently met and admire already. She is a published author and very kindly linked my blog on her page. Please take a moment to check out Monica Fowler! She is humble and an author that is next on my reading list. Here I come, More Than One!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Bottling Happiness
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines happiness as "a state of well-being and contentment or a pleasurable or satisfying experience" (n.d.). Happiness But, a state of well-being or contentment or even a pleasurable or satisfying experience can be different for everyone.
Happiness can be a phone call with your mom or a heartfelt-conversation with your sister about your past experiences. It can be laughing with co-workers about a ridiculous statement that someone said. It can be watching your child reach an important milestone. It can be starting or ending school (at any year or grade). It can be a date night with your significant other. It can be getting recognition from your boss. It can be nailing an essential interview or landing your dream job. It can be sitting down at the end of the night with a glass of wine and a good book. It can be laughing at your favorite comedian after discovering their new t.v. special. It can be finally seeing that show on Broadway that you have been wanting to see for over a year.
Happiness can be something different for everyone. I also think happiness can be small things that many people take for granted.
Happiness can be taking a breath in the morning. It can be walking down the street. Speaking "Hello" to a neighbor. Heading off to your job each morning. Eating a full meal three times a day. Taking a warm shower each day. Having enough food in your pantry. Having your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa (or any relative) around to call on the phone or visit every once in awhile. Drinking clean water. Having a place to rest your head at the end of a long day. Clothes on your back. Being able to kiss your loved ones whenever you see them. Being good health. It can also be as simple as opening your eyes in the morning and closing them each night.
Happiness is something that is special to each person. It is something that cannot be taken for granted. And sometimes we fall into that grove of unhappiness.
We have long days at a job where we are not respected for our integrity or our opinions. We have health issues that beat us down and never seem to go away. We aren't able to get enough sleep. We get into arguments with our loved ones and find it impossible to find a solution. We are frustrated over our children not listening to us. We get mad about our roommates or family members not cleaning up after themselves. We forget to set the alarm (or hit the snooze button) and run late for an important meeting. We run into traffic. We are served burnt coffee from the coffee shop. We have migraines. We have cramps. We don't get along with our co-workers. We don't get any alone time.
It's easy to feel unhappy. Some days are hard. Some days are just OK. Some days are heartbreaking. Some days it doesn't seem like it's really worth it.
Life isn't always easy. In fact, no one said it would be. We have to deal with the good and bad; sometimes there is more good than bad and sometimes there is more bad than good. But, there is always happiness. There is always one moment that we can recall from the day that will make it seem worth it.
And that is why I started a Happiness Jar for 2016.
What is a Happiness Jar? Well, I honestly have never heard of one before, but apparently they are a thing. Who knew?! One of my friends on Facebook posted the idea on New Years Day and I fell in the love with the concept and since it was the beginning of the year, I decided to start a new tradition for myself. While I don't have the link for the page that I saw on Facebook (it was some random person's picture), I did do a little research on Pinterest and found a great link for the explanation of a Happiness Jar and even a cute description about how to make your own jar. The Happiness Jar
Basically a Happiness Jar is a jar (duh!) of all your happy moments from the entire year. You take a scrap piece of paper (or any paper really) and write down a quick thought or memory from the day that made you happy. Fold up the paper and add it to the jar. At the end of the year, you read all your happy memories and reflect on your accomplishments, your successes, and your feelings. Some people do a little spin on the jar and read thoughts throughout the year when they are feeling down or they burn them at the end of the year to make way for new happy thoughts. Either way, it's a collection of all the moments that make you happy; it's a way to remember.
I haven't gotten a jar yet, but so far I have written down a happy note for each day. I know it's only the 6th of January and the year has just begun, but it's honestly a peaceful practice. It's nice to sit down for a few seconds to remember what made me laugh or smile that day. It's a great way to end my night or pull myself together right after the kids go to bed. But the best part of the happiness jar (so far) is that I will always have a happy moment to write about.
The Happiness Jar has made me realize just how lucky I am. Every day I wake up surrounded by people I love. I have my two kids who make my life complete and my husband who is always there for me. I live with two old and cranky, but completely loveable uncles who I am grateful for. I have a job in the field I love and went to school for; and even though it's a struggle to do everyday, for multiple reasons, I still earn money doing what I love. Not many people can say that. Each day I have food on my table, a warm home to come back to, a pillow to rest my head on, and pretty decent clothes to wear on my back. I am able to walk, talk, and breath on my own. I can think for myself and other than this really disturbing swollen gland that I am currently battling, I am in good health. I have a loving family (and an amazing extended family) who supports me in all I do and don't do (thanks for all the rides for my license-less self). I have friends who are there for me through thick and thin even though I suck at texting back. I have made new friends who make me laugh and helped me become a better teacher and person.
As long as I have all of these things, I have a happy moment each and every day to write about and for that I am truly grateful.
Happiness can be a phone call with your mom or a heartfelt-conversation with your sister about your past experiences. It can be laughing with co-workers about a ridiculous statement that someone said. It can be watching your child reach an important milestone. It can be starting or ending school (at any year or grade). It can be a date night with your significant other. It can be getting recognition from your boss. It can be nailing an essential interview or landing your dream job. It can be sitting down at the end of the night with a glass of wine and a good book. It can be laughing at your favorite comedian after discovering their new t.v. special. It can be finally seeing that show on Broadway that you have been wanting to see for over a year.
Happiness can be something different for everyone. I also think happiness can be small things that many people take for granted.
Happiness can be taking a breath in the morning. It can be walking down the street. Speaking "Hello" to a neighbor. Heading off to your job each morning. Eating a full meal three times a day. Taking a warm shower each day. Having enough food in your pantry. Having your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa (or any relative) around to call on the phone or visit every once in awhile. Drinking clean water. Having a place to rest your head at the end of a long day. Clothes on your back. Being able to kiss your loved ones whenever you see them. Being good health. It can also be as simple as opening your eyes in the morning and closing them each night.
Happiness is something that is special to each person. It is something that cannot be taken for granted. And sometimes we fall into that grove of unhappiness.
We have long days at a job where we are not respected for our integrity or our opinions. We have health issues that beat us down and never seem to go away. We aren't able to get enough sleep. We get into arguments with our loved ones and find it impossible to find a solution. We are frustrated over our children not listening to us. We get mad about our roommates or family members not cleaning up after themselves. We forget to set the alarm (or hit the snooze button) and run late for an important meeting. We run into traffic. We are served burnt coffee from the coffee shop. We have migraines. We have cramps. We don't get along with our co-workers. We don't get any alone time.
It's easy to feel unhappy. Some days are hard. Some days are just OK. Some days are heartbreaking. Some days it doesn't seem like it's really worth it.
Life isn't always easy. In fact, no one said it would be. We have to deal with the good and bad; sometimes there is more good than bad and sometimes there is more bad than good. But, there is always happiness. There is always one moment that we can recall from the day that will make it seem worth it.
And that is why I started a Happiness Jar for 2016.
What is a Happiness Jar? Well, I honestly have never heard of one before, but apparently they are a thing. Who knew?! One of my friends on Facebook posted the idea on New Years Day and I fell in the love with the concept and since it was the beginning of the year, I decided to start a new tradition for myself. While I don't have the link for the page that I saw on Facebook (it was some random person's picture), I did do a little research on Pinterest and found a great link for the explanation of a Happiness Jar and even a cute description about how to make your own jar. The Happiness Jar
Basically a Happiness Jar is a jar (duh!) of all your happy moments from the entire year. You take a scrap piece of paper (or any paper really) and write down a quick thought or memory from the day that made you happy. Fold up the paper and add it to the jar. At the end of the year, you read all your happy memories and reflect on your accomplishments, your successes, and your feelings. Some people do a little spin on the jar and read thoughts throughout the year when they are feeling down or they burn them at the end of the year to make way for new happy thoughts. Either way, it's a collection of all the moments that make you happy; it's a way to remember.
I haven't gotten a jar yet, but so far I have written down a happy note for each day. I know it's only the 6th of January and the year has just begun, but it's honestly a peaceful practice. It's nice to sit down for a few seconds to remember what made me laugh or smile that day. It's a great way to end my night or pull myself together right after the kids go to bed. But the best part of the happiness jar (so far) is that I will always have a happy moment to write about.
The Happiness Jar has made me realize just how lucky I am. Every day I wake up surrounded by people I love. I have my two kids who make my life complete and my husband who is always there for me. I live with two old and cranky, but completely loveable uncles who I am grateful for. I have a job in the field I love and went to school for; and even though it's a struggle to do everyday, for multiple reasons, I still earn money doing what I love. Not many people can say that. Each day I have food on my table, a warm home to come back to, a pillow to rest my head on, and pretty decent clothes to wear on my back. I am able to walk, talk, and breath on my own. I can think for myself and other than this really disturbing swollen gland that I am currently battling, I am in good health. I have a loving family (and an amazing extended family) who supports me in all I do and don't do (thanks for all the rides for my license-less self). I have friends who are there for me through thick and thin even though I suck at texting back. I have made new friends who make me laugh and helped me become a better teacher and person.
As long as I have all of these things, I have a happy moment each and every day to write about and for that I am truly grateful.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Lessons Learned
It's been a long time since I've written a blog, but something has been weighing on my mind so here goes nothing...
Social media outlets, friends, family, and countless other sources have been talking nonstop about the new year. They are recounting the biggest music hits (and misses), the best red carpet moments, the stars who have passed and those who were born (hello Charlotte of Whales and Saint West), and the most talked about media stories. They are looking onto the new year with speculation over the next presidential candidates, who will win an Emmy or Oscar, what will happen to ISIS and Syrian refugees, and what stars will pop out a baby next. There are many media advertisements for gyms and weight loss programs to meet your New Years Resolution of losing weight. People are discussing what and how they are going to change in 2016 and what they are waving goodbye to in 2015. The New Year is apparently a big thing.
It also makes me reflect on the changes in my life this past year, but every year I refuse to make a New Years Resolution. People should constantly be working towards bettering themselves and if I am going to be honest, most people don't change. They say they will be nicer, lose weight, stop drinking or smoking, etc..., but most of the time it's just that: talk. Making a change is hard work. It requires dedication and motivation and it's a constant battle. It never ends. You don't just change one thing about your lifestyle and suddenly you are a different person; it's an everyday struggle and most people don't have that kind of will power. No offense to anyone reading this, but these are my feelings. If you don't like reading how I feel then maybe this isn't the blog post for you...
Either way, there will be no New Years Resolution for me this year, but I have learned some important lessons that I will apply moving forward in 2016.
2015 was the year I really worked towards bettering myself. I went back to school to work on my Bachelors Degree (and will be done in July of 2016!!!). I became a better teacher because I had a whole year of experience behind me. I found a way to manage full time work, full time Mommyhood, a house, my family, and my late-night school work. I am proud of myself.
But I learned that on the way to becoming who you want to be and the position that you deserve, there will always be people who will step on you on your way up. They will find a way to tear you down just when you think you are standing up. They will make you doubt yourself and your new found abilities in a way that makes you rethink your purpose in life. They will put you into positions that make you feel like a failure and like you aren't worthy of the things that you have achieved. They will place other people on pedestals who have kissed their way there in order to make you feel like hard work, dedication, and determination are unworthy characteristics. They will think their experience and their time are more important and more worthy than the ideas you bring to the table. They will try to define who you are.
I am ashamed to say that I let them win this year. I let a few people make me feel like I wasn't good enough at what I was doing or the effort that I was putting in. I let them talk to me in a way that was degrading and unfounded. I sat back while they took over my life and the little control that I had. I let them win. I let them define who I am. And everyday I think back on that.
Everyday I think about something I could've done differently. I think about something I could've said differently. I let it eat away at me. I am so mad at myself (and them) for winning. I am so mad that I let them define who I am and what I have accomplished in such a short period of time and put it into such a narrow box. Oddly enough the person who taught me that I cannot let someone define who I am is the one who brought me down the most. Life is full of irony. But I'm no longer willing to let that irony lead my life.
In 2016, I am going to be proud of my accomplishments. I will speak my mind. I will voice my opinion. And I will do it all with a sense of pride and determination because I know that I have learned so much and that I have come so far. Maybe I only have a little bit of experience and maybe my education isn't the same thing as others, but that doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't define who I am. I will no longer let someone define who I am. Lesson Learned.
2015 was also the year that I worked towards bettering my relationship with my husband. I truly believe that those couples who never fight and who always agree with one another are those who are truly suffering. By just saying, "Yes, " all the time, or by not saying anything at all, you aren't fighting for your relationship. You are taking the easy way out; it's easier to say, "Yes," and agree with someone else than go through the effort of voicing your opinion and coming to a compromise. Anyone who knows me or my husband, know that we aren't that couple. We are the ones who fight so loud the neighbors complain. And we fight often. We both feel so passionate (and are so stubborn) about certain issues that we refuse to compromise and we refuse to acknowledge the other's opinion. But that isn't healthy either.
Relationships are hard work. And anyone who tells you differently is either delusional or they don't want others to know that their life isn't perfect. You have to learn to compromise about parenting (if you have kids), how to manage your money, social issues, friendship and family commitments, chores around the house, jobs, and countless other issues. You make mistakes; sometimes mistakes that are so bad that you find it impossible to overcome them. You say things that are ugly and that can't be taken back. You start to doubt the purpose and direction of your relationship. You are with someone for so long that you start to fall into a routine; a routine of when you have sex, how you parent, when you have date nights, who does the dishes and who cleans up. You start going through the motions. Little things become big things and big things turn into resentment. Your family starts to feel the friction. Your parenting is affected. Everyday becomes a struggle and routine suddenly isn't appealing anymore. My husband and I faced this the hard way and had to fight our way back to who we are as people, who we are as parents, and who we are as a couple.
In 2016, I am going to remember to argue with purpose. There is a difference between yelling and holding onto your hurt and voicing your opinion and hearing others' in return. It's ok to walk away and take a moment when it all becomes too much because then you save your hurtful words and come back with reasonable ones. It's ok to not say what's wrong when you can't figure out the right words to say; you can take a moment or a few hours and figure out the best way to move forward. It's necessary to find time to spend together; maybe it's not a date night at a fancy restaurant (or hell, Olive Garden), but it can be time set aside after the kids go to bed to watch your favorite tv shows. You don't have to say, "Yes," or agree all the time and you don't have to make every disagreement into a fight. It's ok to compromise and speak your mind. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok if relationships are tough because they are worth fighting for. Lesson Learned.
Finally, 2015 was a year for me to remember the importance of family. As the years go by there are so many people in my life that I have lost and who I miss with an ache that hurts so much sometimes that it makes me curl up in a ball and want to stop life. I wish with all my heart that I could taste my grandma's brownies and deviled eggs one more time. I wish everyday that I could smell my grandfather's cigar smoke from my mom's front porch. I wish so hard that my kids could've met both of them and that they could've shared summers in New York just like I used to. I wish I could walk through my husband's grandma's and aunt's house one more time and hear Amelia say, "GG" or "Aunt Dor-Dor". I wish I could listen to my Uncle Tracy's detailed stories of his past one more time. I wish so many things were different. Because life is short and we often take little moments and conversations for granted. But missing isn't just for the ones you have lost; it's for the ones who are still here.
This year for a few weeks, I missed the sound of my brother's voice. I missed walking into my mom's house and hearing him prattle on about some random fact he learned on a tv show or what food he tried this week or what came in his "Nerd" packages. I missed it because for a while he couldn't speak. He couldn't eat. He couldn't even stay awake for brief moments. For a while it seemed like everything was wrong and those words and sounds wouldn't even be a possibility anymore. I am not really a praying person, but I prayed every second of every minute of every hour of every day for him to speak, and eat, and breathe. And it worked. But it also reminded me of something.
Life is too short. Moments can't be taken for granted. People need to be kissed and hugged and told that you love them as often as possible because it could be the last time you get to do that. Moments with family and friends need to be cherished as often as you possibly can because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Take that silly picture. Remember old times. Share stories and random facts. Play that song one more time. Schedule one more family dinner. You don't know what tomorrow can bring or what it can take away. Lesson Learned.
2016 will be the year that I remember who I am and who I am not. It will be the year that I fight a little less and love a little more. It will be the year I say, "I love you," every chance I get. 2016 won't be a new me, it will just be the me that I already am and who deserves to show through a little more.
What will 2016 be for you?
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Ice Bucket Social Media
So, I originally started this as a status posted on Facebook, but then it got far too long so here I am turning to my blog. This post isn't going to be as long as my other ones, but I feel like it is significant none-the-less.
I was recently nominated by one of my best friends to do the ALS ice bucket challenge and while I understand the "terms" of this, I have let the 24 hour deadline pass and will not nominate anyone in return. This is not because I don't think ALS is an unworthy cause or because I am "no fun". I choose not to pour a bucket of ice over my head because I think a lot of people are doing this for the wrong reasons.
I know that the ALS foundation has earned a lot of money from this challenge and I think that is an AMAZING thing. It's a terrible, crippling disease and research needs to be done to find a cure, or at least find a way to better manage the progression of the disease. I know a lot of celebrities and even some "regular" individuals have donated a lot, or a little bit, of money to this cause and have done all they can to raise large sums of money.
But, the fact of the matter is a lot of people are doing this to simply "jump on the bandwagon". They think, "Hey! I was just nominated to dump a bucket of ice over my head, so I'm gonna make a video that all my friends and people on Facebook can see and then make more people do it so I don't have to raise money,". "It will be fun," they say. So, they make their video, they post it online using whatever social media they prefer and then they don't think twice about it.
That is the WRONG reason to do the ice bucket challenge.
This challenge was started by the ALS foundation to raise awareness for their cause and to raise money to be used towards research and anything else that would help people see how terrible this disease is and how many people are affected by it each year. It is a great idea. I have seen several social media posts about it, watched segments on the national and local news, and read articles in newspapers about how this is sweeping the nation. It's great to see people doing this for the right reasons... Dumping a bucket of ice over their heads and then raising/donating money for a great organization.
It was NOT started to become a social media "bandwagon" phase, similar to planking and the cinnamon challenge.
Even though I will not be donating money to the ALS foundation (like I said before, it's a great cause and I have nothing against the organization), that doesn't mean I won't be donating money. In fact, I donate money every year to a charity that is near and dear to me.
My brother was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy at a young age. This male affected neuromuscular disease is a process of muscle degeneration where muscles turn to fat as the disease progresses and muscle use is no longer possible. Usually by the age of twelve, boys with Duchenne are confined to a wheelchair because calf and thigh muscles have begun to degenerate into a fatty mass. Talipes sets in, which means the soles of the feet turn inward, and contractures of the knees and elbows are common. Contractures are the shortening of muscles due to prolonged immobility, in the case of Duchenne, from sitting in a wheelchair with no muscle use in the legs. Slowly joints become fixed and arms and legs are no longer able to be stretched out to their full length. As the person progresses into their teenage years, many Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy patients develop scoliosis, which is the curvature of the spine, because back muscles no longer support the body in an upright position. A spine straightening procedure may be used to correct the curvature by inserting metal rods with hooks into the spine. This is a relatively common surgery among those with the disease and the recovery time is just a few weeks. In addition to muscle limbs having degeneration, heart muscles also lack necessary dystrophin and they begin to degenerate as well.
The diaphragm and other muscles in the lung also begin to weaken. Symptoms of weakening lungs include difficulty breathing, headaches, and trouble concentrating and staying awake. With the weakened lung muscles comes a greater chance for infection and the common cold can easily lead to pneumonia. Males affected by this disease usually live until their mid twenties, possibly their early thirties, with a cause of death being heart or lung failure.
I was recently nominated by one of my best friends to do the ALS ice bucket challenge and while I understand the "terms" of this, I have let the 24 hour deadline pass and will not nominate anyone in return. This is not because I don't think ALS is an unworthy cause or because I am "no fun". I choose not to pour a bucket of ice over my head because I think a lot of people are doing this for the wrong reasons.
I know that the ALS foundation has earned a lot of money from this challenge and I think that is an AMAZING thing. It's a terrible, crippling disease and research needs to be done to find a cure, or at least find a way to better manage the progression of the disease. I know a lot of celebrities and even some "regular" individuals have donated a lot, or a little bit, of money to this cause and have done all they can to raise large sums of money.
But, the fact of the matter is a lot of people are doing this to simply "jump on the bandwagon". They think, "Hey! I was just nominated to dump a bucket of ice over my head, so I'm gonna make a video that all my friends and people on Facebook can see and then make more people do it so I don't have to raise money,". "It will be fun," they say. So, they make their video, they post it online using whatever social media they prefer and then they don't think twice about it.
That is the WRONG reason to do the ice bucket challenge.
This challenge was started by the ALS foundation to raise awareness for their cause and to raise money to be used towards research and anything else that would help people see how terrible this disease is and how many people are affected by it each year. It is a great idea. I have seen several social media posts about it, watched segments on the national and local news, and read articles in newspapers about how this is sweeping the nation. It's great to see people doing this for the right reasons... Dumping a bucket of ice over their heads and then raising/donating money for a great organization.
It was NOT started to become a social media "bandwagon" phase, similar to planking and the cinnamon challenge.
Even though I will not be donating money to the ALS foundation (like I said before, it's a great cause and I have nothing against the organization), that doesn't mean I won't be donating money. In fact, I donate money every year to a charity that is near and dear to me.
My brother was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy at a young age. This male affected neuromuscular disease is a process of muscle degeneration where muscles turn to fat as the disease progresses and muscle use is no longer possible. Usually by the age of twelve, boys with Duchenne are confined to a wheelchair because calf and thigh muscles have begun to degenerate into a fatty mass. Talipes sets in, which means the soles of the feet turn inward, and contractures of the knees and elbows are common. Contractures are the shortening of muscles due to prolonged immobility, in the case of Duchenne, from sitting in a wheelchair with no muscle use in the legs. Slowly joints become fixed and arms and legs are no longer able to be stretched out to their full length. As the person progresses into their teenage years, many Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy patients develop scoliosis, which is the curvature of the spine, because back muscles no longer support the body in an upright position. A spine straightening procedure may be used to correct the curvature by inserting metal rods with hooks into the spine. This is a relatively common surgery among those with the disease and the recovery time is just a few weeks. In addition to muscle limbs having degeneration, heart muscles also lack necessary dystrophin and they begin to degenerate as well.
The diaphragm and other muscles in the lung also begin to weaken. Symptoms of weakening lungs include difficulty breathing, headaches, and trouble concentrating and staying awake. With the weakened lung muscles comes a greater chance for infection and the common cold can easily lead to pneumonia. Males affected by this disease usually live until their mid twenties, possibly their early thirties, with a cause of death being heart or lung failure.
In other words, the disease sucks and it honestly heartbreaking to watch someone so close to you go through something so terrible. It sucks to know that no matter what you do, you can't make it better or go away. It's a terrible, crippling disease and I HATE that my brother, and others like him, have to go through all this pain.
But, that being said, it has made me a more compassionate person because you never know what someone is going through or facing in their everyday life. You can't judge a book by it's cover. It has also let me get to know about an incredible organization; the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA).
Ever since I was a little girl, my family was involved in various MDA fundraising benefits, Christmas parties, and other events to raise money and awareness of neuromuscular diseases. I have gotten to know many families and individuals who are affected by terrible muscles diseases, but still find a reason to smile and keep pursuing their dreams. It's truly amazing how much this organization really cares about those that they are trying to help.
I'm sure people have seen the "Fill a Boot" fundraisers done by local firefighters. I'm sure people have watched, or at least known about, the annual Labor Day MDA "Show of Strength" telethon. I'm sure people have at least heard the name Jerry Lewis in passing. These are all people or fundraising feats done in support of the MDA.
Because of my brother and this wonderful organization, I have an "Ice Bucket Challenge" to complete each and every year....
Besides from the fact that I help to "Fill the Boot" whenever I see one or the fact that I always donate a few dollars everytime I see one of those Shamrocks that stores post on their walls, I have made a personal donation to MDA every single year for as long as I have remembered. It may not always be a lot of money, but each year I make my donation. I fully believe in the MDA foundation and the research they are doing every year. I watch the Telethon, which usually makes me sob like a baby when I watch the stories of those affected by muscle disease, and I donate whatever I can at the time. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be when my brother can see the benefits, but I truly hope that one day, there will be a cure for neuromuscular disease.
But, none of this research can be done if no one is watching and listening and donating. Research is expensive and it needs donations, no matter how big or small.
So, this is my challenge to you. Pick something you are passionate about. Do you know someone that has passed away from cancer? Do you have a family member who is facing a disease that doesn't have a cure? Do you love the fact that a certain hospital let's patients attend without facing any medical costs, like St. Jude's? Has Robin Williams' death affected you so much that you don't want anyone facing depression to go unnoticed? What makes you passionate?
Decide this and then go out and donate. Maybe it's just buying a pink ribbon for breast cancer that goes to support research. Maybe it's throwing a few coins into a local collection bin. Maybe it's taking matters into your own hands and raising money from friends and family to donate a large sum. Maybe it's running/walking in a Pancreatic Cancer 5k or Heart Walk. Anything is better than nothing.
Don't just jump on the bandwagon and complete a challenge because social media asked you. Question why they are doing this. Where the "craze" started. How you can learn more. Why they need your help. Challenge yourself because you want to. Not because you want your friends to see you post a video.
*I also just want to say that I'm not knocking anyone for completing this challenge. By re-posting videos and nominating others, you are keeping the awareness going and that's always a good thing. And I know sometimes life sucks and money is tight and it's not always possible to donate. This is just my take on how I think some people are doing this for the wrong reason... It's so much more than dumping a bucket of ice on your head. It's a foundation and a movement that will benefit so many people. It's something to be passionate about. It's something to learn from.
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