Awareness

Being mindful is the simple act of living in the moment: understanding and accepting your emotions and/or experiences and knowing what you can do to either change them or move forward with the moment. Mindfulness is a practice that must occur daily. Individuals need to be able to really understand how they are feeling; what are your triggers, what emotions make you feel anxious or harmful, what experiences lead to doubt or success, what are the ways that make you want to leave a situation or remain fully present in the moment? Sometimes understanding yourself (deep down knowing what you body, heart, and mind really want) requires creative methods (i.e. journaling, artistic expression, or meditation) or sometimes it might require outside forces (i.e. therapy, accepting constructive criticism, or learning from past experiences).

Mindfulness is a continuous process. One that is really hard to practice. One that I had never heard of until last year.

Last year, I started therapy; talk therapy with a clinical social worker. While she was ultimately not the best fit for me, some of the concepts she discussed really helped me recognize my own self-worth and my own self-induced reservations. She brought to light a lot of past experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today and helped me talk through current situations that were weighing on my mind. I cried a lot in her office and I cried a lot on the way home sometimes. Because part of being mindful is recognizing your "flaws" and acknowledging your triggers.

Acknowledging your "darkest parts" is really difficult. It requires a lot of personal growth. Which ultimately, takes time.

In our sessions, I realized how much of a perfectionist I turn myself into. I don't just write papers for school, I write novels complete with the best language, research ideas, and grammar possible; getting a grade lower than 90 (and even that is low) is unacceptable for me. It makes me feel worthless. At work, I don't just write learning experience plans, I have to write detailed descriptions with activities that are planned with individualization, minute details, and the best ideas. Anything less makes me feel unaccomplished. The idea of being less than perfect, actually triggers a lot of anxiety and stress for me; it causes me to create self-doubt, it causes me to have heart palpitations and agitate and makes me want to cry.

Being "less" and "imperfect" are one of my triggers. I can accept that now.

Over the year, I have worked a lot on recognizing my need for perfection and while I still hate getting less than a certain score on a paper or assignment, I have learned to write it and let it go. I don't let myself worry about it over time and I don't tell myself I am a bad student, teacher or mother. I started leaving notes near my computer at home that build up my self-esteem and confidence and that has helped. It's a constant struggle, but one that I am actively working towards.

But, that's not the only thing that causes me to break out in a sweat, doubt my abilities, or creates obsessive thoughts.

Being mindful is about recognizing your emotions, and essentially your triggers, and finding a way to overcome them. So Day Four of Mindfulness is about recognition and change.

Choose One Thing That Triggers Anxiety or Depression and Write About a Few Ways That You Can Control This Trigger:

One trigger for my anxiety is unplanned changes in my schedule.

• Because I am a perfectionist, and because I have OCD (the "obsessive thought" kind not the "wash you hands a million times until they bleed because germs are bad" kind), I actively plan out how my days go. I am a person who relies on routine and I crave that consistency. I wake up at the same time everyday (kids make it so I rarely sleep-in), follow the same get-ready morning routine, do the same activities and motions at work, and come home to do the same dinner-homework-play time-bed time routines. On the weekends, I feel more comfortable in my scheduling and I am generally more flexible, but even then, there's habit.
• A few weeks ago, I came into work and there were simply too many people in my classroom. I planned on only having one extra person for support that day. But then suddenly there were 4 extra people, plus extra students and everything went down hill from there. First, my senses went into overdrive; all I could hear was how loud it was, how everyone was calling out for my name, how much chaos resulted from the extra bodies. Next came the demands; this teacher wanted to meet for a meeting, that teacher wanted to know what her responsibilities for the day were, and another teacher wanted to know when she could set-up. The kids wanted me to sit with them, talk with them, and help them use the bathroom. Demand after demand came quick. Finally my body went into overdrive; I dealt with the kiddos who needed extra attention, made sure I scheduled a meeting for another time, and guided the other teacher about our typical schedule and where she was best needed. There were still a lot of bodies, but instinct kicked in and it all worked out. But the rest of the day was a mess for me; I teared up, ranted to a coworker, felt on edge, and needed to ultimately take time away from the situation.
• While I know I am a great teacher and that all those responsibilities are mine; it's the aftermath of the chaotic situation that's hard for me. It was the idea of my schedule and routine being different. It was the overabundance of individuals that sent my senses into overdrive. It was the outside factors that made my room so frustrating at the time. It was a lot I simply could not control and for someone with OCD and perfectionist-tendencies, that was too much to handle.

Schedule changes/routines are one of my triggers. But, I acknowledge that and therefore, I can make it better.

How I Can Make It Better:

• Take a deep breath: In my classroom, we do a lot of controlled breathing; it helps to reset the nervous systems and allows your body to come into focus in the moment so you can recognize how you are feeling. I have tried meditation through the Headspace app and through yoga before and there is a lot of meaning behind controlling your breathing. Sometimes the easiest thing to do for yourself is to simply breathe.
• Remove myself from the situation: In an ideal world, I would be able to do this whenever I know I am reaching that point of sensory overload. In a realistic world, it is not always easy to walk away from a situation. But, I can sit down. I can take a moment to breathe and think. I can just "get through" until there comes a time when I can just walk away. Recognizing when you need to remove yourself from a situation (a heated moment with a lover, a family spat, or even a tense staff meeting) is so important for mental health.
• Acknowledge that sometimes, it's okay to just let it go: This year (and a little bit of last year), my coworkers and I really embraced the mantra, "It is what it is". Short staffed: "It is what it is". Denied a day off from work while your coworker got it approved: "It is what it is". Encounter an administrator who is inappropriate and has mood swings: "It is what it is". Get pooped or peed on by a kiddo who you know should've been home sick: "It is what it is". A lot of times in life, we simply cannot change the circumstances; we can come up with a hundred ideal scenarios but it won't change what is realistically happening. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and perfect moments; it's heartbreak and tears and frustration and biased opinions. It's also about accepting that no one, and I mean no one (even you Becky with the good hair and shit attitude) is perfect. Things go wrong. Schedules change. And moments are ruined. And it is okay to just move on and let it go. "It is what it is".

What triggers you and what can you do to make it better?

Victories

Each day is filled with challenges. Mental, physical, emotional, and academic challenges. For each individual, the challenge is personal. Perhaps there is so much physical pain that walking the short distance from the bedroom to the bathroom causes sweat and tears. Or maybe overwhelming depression keeps someone locked in their room because getting out of bed presents the biggest challenge. Or maybe today is the day someone says goodbye to a loved one for the very last time. Everyone's struggles and challenges are unique.

There is a saying that goes along the lines of, "Each person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" (author unknown). I believe this to be true.

While some face large challenges that take months and years to overcome, others face smaller challenges. A frustrating coworker. A house full of laundry, dishes, and dust. Balancing hectic after school schedules. The thought of not being able to take a family vacation. Shoveling snow. Even coming home to cook dinner. Although each daily task is seemingly small, it is still a challenge to work out.

Even the smallest of tasks present their own set of struggles and complications.

As humans, we are so quick to think of all the struggles we face and the challenges we cannot overcome. We are so quick to play the "victim" card and to share our sadness with others. It is so easy to unburden ourselves of the daily, and larger, issues we face that we often forget to celebrate the victories.

Even victories range from small to great. Significant to just being able to breathe a little easier.

Victories are those moments where we are able to overcome the challenges; where we rise up despite the pain, despite the heartache, despite the weariness. Victories are those small moments where all seems right in the world; where the long hours worked equal the promotion, where the crippling student loans and all-nighters earn the dream job, where the moments of penny pinching earn debt free status. They are the moments that we work for all our lives.

Sometimes, though, victories are about being able to accomplish just one task at a time.

In my anxiety (and subsequently, my depression), the littlest moments are worth celebrating victories. Victories when my anxiety is the worst include being able to get out of bed despite wanting to sleep and call in sick. Being able to answer an e-mail back and pick up my phone when all I want to do is hit ignore. The ability to take five seconds to breathe and center myself so I can be in the moment. Victories when I am anxious are not easily recognizable to others, but so important to myself.

Today, I will celebrate the victories. The small and big ones that help me put life in perspective.

Write About Your Victories This Week

• Going to the doctor. My anxiety is always present. Some days it's worse than others, while at times, it is easy to hide and make myself "appear" normal. But my anxiety is always present when I have to schedule doctor's appointments. I find it so difficult to get over the sound of my voice (I think everyone is constantly judging me for sounding like a "valley girl" and therefore, cannot take me seriously). It is increasingly difficult for me to multi-manage all the themes of scheduling a doctor's appointment; thinking about timing, getting my wording right so I can discuss why I am scheduling the visit, knowing the medical jargon needed for explaining my insurance, answering the questions needed for confirming all the "basics". It's a lot and I always, always feel like I am "not good enough" on the phone. I am celebrating the fact that I scheduled my doctor's appointment, went to the office, and got the "all-clear" for my health. 
• Going back to school. Last year, right after I lost my brother, I had a really hard time. I unexpectedly helped plan for my brother's wake and some of the little details after he passed. I was asked to change positions in my job; a welcome change that would lead to a better position. But it happened quickly and I struggled in my new classroom. My daughter was diagnosed with social anxiety and ADD and seeing her answer questions about her mental health broke my heart; I felt overwhelming guilty for her mental health issues because I thought they were a direct cause of my own challenges. And I was going to school; classes went consistently for 8 weeks with three to four papers and assignments due each week, along with daily discussions and no breaks in between each new class. I basically had a mental breakdown and stopped everything. I pushed away all my friends, spent a lot of time in bed, and quit school. I was broken and decided to work on me. I went to therapy, learned about mindfulness and finally realized the importance of facing my past and understanding my own worth. Today, I finally made the appropriate calls. I re-registered for school. I secured more financial aid and fixed the problems I left in the wake of dropping out last year. I am finally ready to go back and have a course of action for the next several months so I can graduate in the fall. I am celebrating my decision to go back to school and my ability to figure out the correct means to do it.
• I turned 32! In theory, birthdays are just a number. A date to mark the passage of time. I don't usually celebrate with cake or gifts. I love the messages from friends and family. But for me, birthdays are simple. Today, I spent time home: resting, snuggling with my kids, making appointments, and watching a movie. I ordered dinner out and didn't have to cook. It was a simple day, but a good one. In a year, I have made a lot of progress in my career, my mental health, and towards finding answers for my physical health questions. I am celebrating my birthday because I am worth it and I am so lucky to be alive.

What victories did you celebrate this week? 

Music and Lyrics

"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you are feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can't."

-Unknown 

Music and lyrics. There are so many ways to compose them, to convey them, to hear them, to feel them. Music takes on many forms; classical to rock to rap to country to r&b to pop to punk and everything in between. Lyrics are written to express what words cannot; scorned lovers, feel-good-moments, deep sadness, heartache, even politics. Music and lyrics are created to inspire, to move people to take a stand, to help people feel less alone.

Music and lyrics soothe the soul. Or at least they do that for me.

My first year of college, I took an advanced writing course and to this day, it was by far the best class I have ever taken. The theme was "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll". We were given writing assignments based on themes of sex (contraception and the controversies of sex education), drugs (should they be legalized and how do they influence music), and rock and roll (how sex and drugs combine to create music and in what ways does music influence people in general). We watched Pink Floyd's The Wall in class and analyzed its' hidden meanings. But the best assignment was one of our two finals: we had to compile a list of our musical tastes over the years, create a playlist of the songs, and document how music made us feel and why it was influential to us. I learned so much about my classmates; the quirky kid who listened to techno was bullied when he was younger until he started going to raves with his friends while the quiet, "boho-chic" girl found herself through writing and composing her own songs. But most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

Music was an outlet for me. A living, breathing entity that said what I simply could not.

I learned that music was closely related to my emotions and personality development; my tastes evolved as I grew up. My final presentation sectioned my "musical life" into three separate eras: Disney/Pop music, "Emo/Punk" music, and "Country". When I was younger, I was incredibly family oriented; we watched a lot of movies together, kept to ourselves, and relished our once upon a time Disney trip. We lived and breathed family time and subsequently my favorite genres were Disney songs and then gradually pop songs. "Can't Wait to Be King" from the Lion King lifted my spirits while the soundtrack to Beauty and the Beast gave me visions of a future me exploring Paris and having my own library (still waiting for that btw). As I transitioned to middle and high school, I became "less" family oriented. I was angry at my mom for being too strict, for my dad being too absent, for my sister for being the one who got away with everything, for always having to be the responsible one. I experienced a lot of rebellion, got into a lot of trouble, and found solace in bands like Sum 41 and Simple Plan. "Welcome to My Life" spoke to me about feeling different while "Fat Lip" gave me a reason to be angry and rock out; I still remember how those songs made me feel and how I loved to listen to them laying on my bedroom floor feeling angry at the world. Then my senior year, I finally figured out who my "fake" friends were and how far I had reached to "try to fit in"; it was also the year I fell in love. I met my (now) husband and he showed me exactly what adoration felt like; he showered me in gifts, terms of endearment, and provided me with a sense of freedom. He also reintroduced me to country music; soon "Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy became my anthem (Chris sang it for me after spending our first night together) and "Friends in Low Places" was my favorite song to sing and dance to at the bar. 

Music became my solace in those years. And it never stopped being a way to express myself.

Today, I listen to everything. I still belt out the lyrics to country songs, I have been to Fall Out Boy concerts, the pop-country station is one of my favorites, and jazz music helps me relax while I do school work. I still am not a fan of "screaming" music, rap, or classical. I don't have a specific category of songs that I listen to, but music is still one of my favorite outlets. I have a playlist for when I blog, I have Saturday dance parties in my room while I get ready, music is always blaring when I bake, and when I am feeling sad, I listen to songs that make me cry. It is the easiest way for me to feel connected to others.

Music and lyrics are so important to me.

Therefore, Day Two of Mindfulness, will revolve around music for me. I have a running playlist on YouTube that I titled "Feeling Up" and it just so happens to have 15 songs on it, which makes today's writing prompt perfect. Feel free to look up these songs on your own or to access my playlist by clicking the link attached above (click on "Feeling Up").

Build a List of 15 Songs that Can Help Change Your Mood

1. "High Hopes" - Panic at the Disco (I know, "played out", but it always makes me want to shout the lyrics)
2. "Most Girls" - Hailee Steinfeld (A great feel-good anthem that never fails to make me feel good about myself)
3. "Renegades" - X Ambassadors (I guess I still feel a little rebellion inside)
4. "Gives You Hell" - The All American Rejects (If you don't shout these lyrics, then we cannot be friends 😉)
5. "Shut Up and Dance" - Walk the Moon (Such a fun song and I love to dance)
6. "One Foot" - Walk the Moon (Love this band and they always make the best songs to sing along to)
7. "Jumpin' Jumpin" - Destiny's Child (Because you cannot take the 90s out of the girl)
8. "Semi-Charmed Life" - Third Eye Blind (See above. Also, no explanation needed)
9. "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" - Nine Days (Something about tragically different and beautifully broken always gets to me)
10. "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" - Fall Out Boy (This band will always have a special place in my heart - they were my first concert and their original sound was so much better than everything else at the time)
11. "Good Girls Go Bad" - Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester (The ultimate "club" song and also, Cobra Starship performed with Fall Out Boy at my first concert)
12. "1985" - Bowling for Soup (Honestly, one of the most underrated bands out there. This song is pure gold and perfect for anyone who loves the 80s)
13. "Party People" - Florida Georgia Line (A great song to sing to and this band has the ultimate blend of thoughtful and party songs)
14. "(I'm Gonna) Party Like a Rockstar" - JTX (Probably a one-hit wonder but this song is brilliant and makes me want to be a rockstar who smashes things in my hotel room)
15. "Timber" - Pitbull ft. Kesha ("It's going down, I'm yelling tiiiiimmmber" - don't you already want to dance and rap to all of Pitbull's lyrics?!)

Music and lyrics are magical. What songs make you feel alive?!

Mindfulness

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with someone who said she used to believe anxiety was an overrated concept; she thought that people with anxiety just over reacted to their stress. She simply didn't get "it". Until, she had a panic attack; she said she was dealing with some personal life issues and was feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts for a while and then suddenly she couldn't catch her breath, she felt like her chest was being crushed, she said it was the worst feeling of her life. Now, she understands how crippling anxiety can be and feels remorse for what she used to believe.

Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well. For me, anxiety is part of my daily life.

Anxiety, for me, is more than being stressed out. It is more than "dreading" a work assignment or thinking about the loads of housework I have to do. It is more than juggling motherhood, family relationships and personal growth. It is more than stress. It is definitely NOT an excuse for not wanting to dealing with life.

Anxiety is the crippling, overwhelming feeling of being out of control. It is the hesitation to jump into social situations that place me out of my comfort zone. It is the heart palpitations and the agitate in my stomach. It is the tightening of my jaw. It is the dread of getting out of bed to go to work some days. It is the sense of unexplained panic and dread that accompanies the simplest of tasks.

More often than not, I know exactly where it stems from. However, sometimes, it hits me out of the blue and throws me through a loop.

Lately, I haven't been feeling "myself" and this is usually the first sign that my anxiety is at its' worst. In fact, winter is always the hardest season for me... for many reasons. But a few weeks ago, everything set me on edge. There was an over abundance of teachers in my classroom one day (6 to be exact) with the addition of 20 kids (2 extra students visiting/helping for the day). I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in my room and it made me feel anxious. Someone was chewing too loudly and I felt anxious (I have a sound aversion that pretty much consumes my senses). I came home and saw piles of paperwork on the table, loads of laundry over flowing in baskets, and a note from my son's teacher saying he was struggling with the content at school and needed intervention services. I felt anxious.

I started questioning my life choices and my ability to serve my job and children sufficiently.

Was I a good mother? Why was it so hard to stay on top of paperwork and balance out "mom-life"? I have taught children school-readiness skills for kindergarten all day long for the past four years, why couldn't I help my son succeed in these same area? I am a lead teacher, why couldn't I balance out the number of people in my room and help my students with their individual needs? Why did I feel overwhelmed by the clutter and why couldn't I just clean it up? Why does chewing (the simplest of life tasks, and the most necessary) set me on edge? Why wasn't I good enough?

This is anxiety for me. 

It is more than stress. It is dread. It is the feeling of being incompetent and questioning my worth. It is the overwhelming need for balance and the sense of not being able to achieve life in the exact way I imagine it. For me, anxiety is crippling. It is unexpected at times and easily manageable at others. It is an awful feeling. One that I have struggled with for a long time.

And yet, I continue to cope. I know deep down inside, I am a good mom. I do help my children with their homework and read to them each night. I know I am able to keep track of school events, I hand back the right paperwork on time, and even coordinate fun play dates. I know I am a good teacher. I am constantly trying new strategies to reach all my learners as a whole and on individual levels. I attend countless professional development opportunities inside, and out, of school. I have worked hard to become the teacher I am and know the value in the work that I do.

I just find it hard to remind myself of that sometimes. Especially lately. That's why, it's so important to make conscious decisions to focus on the good of each day, which is why I focus on mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the simple act of taking the time to remember what is good about yourself and life. It is the process of introspection; taking a minute to soak in a luxurious bath just because you deserve it, taking a walk in the fresh air with nothing to worry about except keeping pace with your music, writing just for the good of it. It is there to help you to see the value in who you are, as well as the value in those that surround you. 

But it takes time and practice. It is a continuous process.

Therefore, for the next week, starting today, I am going to work hard on reminding myself of the good. I will be blogging everyday using simple mindfulness prompts that help me find my balance again. And Pinterest is going to help me out just a bit.

This is one of the prompts I found and it is where I will start my mindfulness journey.

List Twenty Things That Make You Smile:

1. Seeing my kid's faces in the morning.
2. Freshly painted nails.
3. Going into work and hearing, "Mrs. Popolizio" and being surrounded by 5 smiling faces that rush to give me hugs.
4. Laughing with my coworkers.
5. Bingo nights with friends.
6. Talking to my mom once a week on the phone.
7. Daily conversations on my ride to and from work with my mother-in-law.
8. Biting into a freshly baked chocolate pecan cookie (right from the oven).
9. Baking.
10. Secret Valentines who know me so well.
11. Getting sweet treats from the most considerate families.
12. Random messages on Facebook from friends who remind me they care just because.
13. Invitations to baby showers (for a first time mama).
14. Having a good hair day.
15. Surprises from my husband.
16. Watching a movie on the couch with my family.
17. Hearing my kids "Suck and Sweet" during dinner.
18. My 95 year old Uncle making unexpected jokes at the dinner table.
19. Taking a warm shower after being cold all day.
20. Snacking on junk food.

These were just from the past few days. Imagine how many things I could add to that list if I just remembered the good every day?

What makes you smile?

Meant to Be

Meant to Be

You and I were meant to be,

Faltered steps shifting into an uneasy friendship.

Laughs shared over new experiences,

Walks taken in the crisp air.

Promises made and broken,

New territories explored.

You and I were meant to be.

From the first kiss that struck like lightening,

To watching stars dance across the skies.

And taking midnight train rides to magical cities.

Saying "yes" as we revisited those first magical walks together,

Planning a new tomorrow.

You and I were meant to be.

Leaping into creating life,

And struggling to balance what was right for all thing new.

Suddenly, the questions were asked,

The stories were told.

The trust was forgotten as the past was revealed.

You and I were meant to be.

We tried so hard through the good times and bad,

But the moments that were so sweet turned into something else.

Differences were too great to bear,

And stolen moments weren't ours to share anymore.

But we weren't done just yet.

You and I were meant to be.

We shared more laughter and light,

We created more life and learned to be twice as happy.

But still the hateful words fell from your lips,

Still the judgments grew into mountains.

The emotional atmosphere no longer built worth.

And suddenly, you and I were meant to be,

But we did it all wrong.

Apologize...

"The best apology is changed behavior."

-Unknown 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about apologies. The reasons we give them. The reasons they are said to us. The language that is used to summarize them. The attitudes that surround them. The behavior for which they manifest and relay meaning. The way society expects them and believes they should be shared.

Apologies in today's society are either too few or over used. There are some people who should be apologizing for their behaviors, their words, their intentions. And there are still more who use apologies like drinking water; desperate for the taste on their tongue but without understanding where is comes from and how hard it is earned in some situations. Governments apologize...or don't. Celebrities apologize...or don't. Lovers apologize... or don't. Apologies are thrown around in the sincerest of ways, in the most casual of circumstances, or ignored completely.

Sometimes apologies are intended to smooth over a situation; they are done because they are expected and to divert further attention to an escalating situation. Sometimes apologies are given with the deepest of meanings and intentions because the giver is honestly regretful of their oversight; their ignorance to a situation because they simply did not understand. Sometimes apologies are spit out because they are an automatic response and a learned behavior. 

But mostly apologies are just language. Language wrapped in beautiful, summarized packages. Words said or written, dictated or whispered. 

While I love language...written, read, communicated... often language is not enough when it comes to apologies. Apologies are words. Beautiful, but often without meaning in situations. Because apologies should be accompanied by behavior.

Behavior that is more than beautiful flowers or hand written cards. Gifts or tokens. Behavior that is more than a kiss or a hug or a tissue given. More than make-sex or moments spent crying out the rest of the anguish. Behavior that lasts more than one hour, one day, one week, or even one month.

Although I do not know who owns the voice to the quote above, I believe it's simple language summarizes how apologies should follow. Apologies should accompany changed behavior.

Think about all the times an apology was needed. Maybe it was a situation where a child hurt another. Or it was a heated conversation between lovers where hurtful words were flung like ping pong balls on a tennis table. Or the looks and behaviors from a youth who taunted another who was unlike himself at a rally where there was supposed to be unity. Or even during moments where allegations came to light and reputations were put to shame; where actions hurt more than words ever could. Perhaps it was the time where a daughter disagreed with her mother and did what she wanted to anyway. Whether the situations were words said, intended actions, or passive conversations, there were harmful consequences and behaviors that were simply unacceptable.

In my preschool classroom, I never ask children to say, "I'm sorry". Instead they ask a peer and/or adult if they are okay, they ask how they can make it better, they perform a good act (i.e. get a tissue, provide a hug, apply an ice pack, clean up a mess), and then they have a discussion about how the situation could go differently. They learn how their words or behaviors can be changed in the future or what they can do differently.

As adults, shouldn't we do the same? Admitting when we are wrong and then engaging in the process of changing our behavior? Learning the simple act of treating others with kindness, educating ourselves in understanding what we do not know, changing our words and attitudes to reflect human decency? Changing our behaviors to match the words that are written and spoken during apologies. That is the key to a true apology. Changed behavior.

But if we must use words, which ones would you choose?

"I'm sorry".

"I was wrong".

"What I said was hurtful".

"How do I show you how much I regret what happened?"

"What can I do to make it better?".

"I did something that won't happen again."

"I didn't mean what I said or did".

"I apologize".

Which are the words that you would choose? An automatic response? A general statement that was forced out by guilt? A blanket of words that are said to halt an uncomfortable situation? Words spread so casually that they could refer to any set of words said or behaviors doled out? Written comments that shower the receiver in compliments? Words that are meant to pacify rather than clarify?

Or would they be words that express a wrong doing? A heartfelt response that was never uttered before? A statements that comes from deep inside intended to soothe wounds that shouldn't be there in the first place? A blanket of words that declare a clear intention to not only try to do better, but to never repeat what occurred? Words spread carefully with no room for interpretation? Written comments that show the depth of emotion felt for the receiver and the deepest of understandings of wrong doing? Words meant with the best of intentions and the honest of details?

Because choosing words for apologies matter. Even if they accompany changed behaviors. It's a relationship... words and behaviors have meaning and intention. 

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't".

-Louis C.K.

If My Bed Could Talk...

As part of a new foray into writing, to expand my horizons, I have decided to write more often. I also decided to write with more diversity. I found a writing prompt that simply said, "If your bed could talk, what would it say?". So I wrote a poem.

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

Would it talk about all the sleepless nights spent thinking spiraling thoughts that haunt me to the early morning hours?

Would it describe how gets sick it gets of seeing me on the dark days when I am tucked away hiding from the world?

Would it discuss all the early morning snuggles and late night giggles from little visitors?

Would it just squeak in imitation of the nights where love was found over and over?

Would it describe the moments I was too weak to get out of bed and cried because I was tired of being sick?

Would it wring out months and years of shed tears over loves lost, people missed and hard days fought?

Would it tremble with the weight of the world that slips off my shoulders as I sleep?

Would it tell tall tales of the moments I was too weak to admit the truth and too ignorant to accept it?

Would it ring my praises for thousands of loads of laundry done and still more conquered each day?

Would it whisper back the songs that soothed my soul and then shout out the lyrics to songs that caused early Saturday morning dance parties?

Would it recite my favorite books and speak of the hundreds of words read each night?

Would it tell my darkest secrets and would it keep my sweetest prayers?

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

I hope it would say, "Here lies an ordinary, but brave little soul. One who sleeps and lives and breaths. A girl who persists despite what she endures".