Dear Jenifer

Write the Words You Need to Hear:

Dear Jenifer,
As I sit here and listen to "Nobody Knows" by the Lumineers, I am struck by the closing lyrics:

"Nobody knows how the story ends. Live the day doing what you can. This is only where it began. Nobody knows how the story ends. Nobody knows how the story ends."

This is one of my favorite songs and one of my favorite bands. I have sung these lyrics out loud and inside my head so many times before. But today, I cannot get those last words from repeating over and over in my mind.

Nobody knows how the story ends. 

Here you are on Day Seven of Mindfulness. You have taken the time every day to express how you truly feel living with anxiety and depression. You have written about the ways in which you can take time for yourself; to lessen the anxiety, to halt the obsessive thoughts, and to remind yourself of all the good you get to experience. You didn't do this for attention or for blog views or to even to force views of anxiety and depression on others. You did this for you. This week was a good week. But, not every week is a good one. Who knew that this is where your story would lead you.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

There are so many moments that you experienced growing up and I can tell you about all the moments where you could have faced your anxiety. In elementary school, you could have worn that dress with the frilly edges, the one that had a matching top and shorts in a pretty silk material; it was beautiful and it didn't matter what anyone would say when they saw you wearing it. But instead, you cried at home, in the car all the way to school, and made yourself so sick that your mom had no choice but to take you home and to change your clothes. In middle school, you didn't have to hide your emotions for so long about the boy who was inappropriate on the bus; you didn't have to feel shameful or obsess over what everyone was going to think of you. You could have told sooner. In high school, your cheeks didn't have to turn red when someone "confronted" you about wearing sandals from Walmart; you didn't have to lie about it. You could have just said, "Yes" and walked away. In college, you could have stayed longer and ventured out of your room more often; you didn't have to cry in your dorm room and feel so "lost". When you got older, you didn't have to let your anxiety prevent you from making new friends, from becoming a teacher sooner, from setting boundaries.

Live the day doing what you can.

But, all those moments did happen. You, we, survived them by "doing what you can". Each moment of anxiety and depression and indecision has led you to the person who you are today. You have made friends with the kindest, most gentle-hearted human beings who have supported you through all life's ups and downs; who have proved that you don't have to face anything alone. You made it through six years of college; you have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and are four classes away from a Masters degree. You have your dream job, despite the fact that you took a different direction to get there; everyday you teach children to be kinder people, some of them who see you as their only source of stability. You have two beautiful children who make you laugh until you cry, who put all their effort into school and developing their personalities, who make your life fuller and brighter. You have experienced a love that takes your breathe away, causes lighting to strike, and makes you realize the importance of effort. You did all of that and so much more.

Live the day doing what you can.

Each day you wake up trying to be a better person; proving how strong you truly can be. You have taken all the steps required to become smarter, be more passionate, and more self-aware. You have learned to set boundaries and have become more firm on saying, "no". You have proven to be a leader instead of being complacent. You have found creative outlets that allow you to write what you feel and show how much talent you possess. You have learned to "inhale" and "exhale" and that "everything happens for a reason". You have survived great loss; one that still takes you by surprise at times. You have overcome so much.

This is only where it began. 

There are so many things I would write to your younger self. I could write about boyfriends who would hurt you, or about how you should have chosen the local community college instead of the $40,000 college where you were miserable, or how you should've been wiser about spending your money. But, instead I would tell your younger self about honesty; living with it, feeling it, and understanding how honesty can lead to healing. I would tell your younger self about relationships; about distinguishing the real ones from the fake, about solidifying them by answering more phone calls, about understanding the effort required for making and keeping them. I would tell your younger self about expression; the importance of using expression to speak up for those who cannot, being mindful of how words and expressions are two very different things, about using expression to influence those around you in positive ways. I would tell your younger self about bravery; that there are all sorts of heroes and ways to be brave, that sometimes you are the brave one, and sometimes it's okay to let others be brave for you. I would tell your younger self everything that I am telling my current self.

Nobody knows how the story ends.

Right now, your new journey is mindfulness. You started this week with good intentions and you are finishing it in the same way; with the best of intentions. To make yourself know your own worth. To lift yourself up after a really tough time. To acknowledge the good that exists alongside the overwhelming. To remind yourself to be careful of your thoughts. To live in the moment. To focus on self-care. To practice mindfulness every single day.

You don't know how the story ends. But up until this point, you did a great job of being true to who you are as a person. You completed Seven Days of Mindfulness. And possibly helped others along the way.

Write the words you need to hear.

Well, Jenifer. You just did. For the past seven days.

Love always,
You

Thankful

Every year (typically in the United States), most people gather around the table for Thanksgiving and discuss why they are thankful. They might be thankful for their family, for their friends, or for their career paths. Sometimes it is easy to say what we are thankful for but sometimes the answers are not as easy to come by; perhaps we are struggling in the moment or frustrated at the card of hands we are dealt. But for the most part, we give thanks.

But being thankful is more than celebrating one day. It is about being thankful for each day we are dealt.

Therefore, Day Six of Mindful is a thankfulness post. Each day we have something to be thankful for, despite the fact that each day may be hard. At the very least, we can be thankful we are alive.

Write About Ten Things For Which You are Thankful:

• National Margarita Day and sharing it with friends.
• Coworkers who are more than; more than people who I share 40 hours. People who I genuinely value and trust and care about.
• Children who make me laugh, cry, and realize the value of life.
• A warm home and cooked food to come home to.
• Money to spend on the necessities; food, shelter, clothing, water.
• Books; I am not sure what I would do if I could not read.
• A career that I went to school for and one that I value, even if there are those who do not value me in the same way.
• Family; friends who become family and extended family that I could not imagine my life without.
• Free will; the freedom to choose my career, schooling, and the way in which I represent myself. In many countries and cultures, this is frowned upon and I am truly thankful I have a "voice".
• Time; there are individuals who breathe their last breathe before they truly get to live their life. I know how precious time can be; how much it can make a difference. I am truly thankful for having more time to love, to live, and to breathe.

What are the things for which you are thankful?

Just Remember

When things seem tough, I want to remember...

• ...my kid's smiles that make it worth it.
• ...walks around the town green and Star Wars marathons.
• ...the feeling of having co-workers who make me laugh constantly and are there to support me.
• ...😍 and "star-shaped cookie cutters".
• ...it is what it is.
• ...margaritas and a "sprinkle/cakepop graveyard" on the kitchen floor.
• ...the laughter in my nephew's voice when we first saw the sign into Disney.
• ...all day bookstore and Olive Garden runs.
• ..."stakeouts" with my best friend and the flower petals during low tide.
• ...how the rain and thunderstorms make me feel.
• ...the smell of a good book and a strong cup of coffee.
• ...my brother saying, "I love you Jen" and "it will be okay".
• ...Melanie's Mall escapades and last night "therapy" sessions.
• ...the taste of boxed brownies and deviled eggs (not together).
• ...rolling down a grassy, upstate New York hill.
• ...the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies a degree earned, a position taken, and a step-up the career ladder.
• ...messages "just because".
• ...little victories.
• ...being stronger than expected.
• ...progress.

Day Five of Mindfulness is a short one, but a necessary one. It is what gets us through love and loss, happiness and sadness, relaxation and anxiety, stress and easy-going times. It is unique to all of us and represents times that we experienced true happiness and bliss.

Just being able to remember a good thought, moment, and person proves that there has been a handful of good times. That true happiness is possible.

Sometimes, it's about choosing happiness. While it can be hard to consciously do that, it is possible. Remembering all the good in everyday, helps making remembering the good during the difficult times, more manageable. 

What do you want to remember during the tough times?

Awareness

Being mindful is the simple act of living in the moment: understanding and accepting your emotions and/or experiences and knowing what you can do to either change them or move forward with the moment. Mindfulness is a practice that must occur daily. Individuals need to be able to really understand how they are feeling; what are your triggers, what emotions make you feel anxious or harmful, what experiences lead to doubt or success, what are the ways that make you want to leave a situation or remain fully present in the moment? Sometimes understanding yourself (deep down knowing what you body, heart, and mind really want) requires creative methods (i.e. journaling, artistic expression, or meditation) or sometimes it might require outside forces (i.e. therapy, accepting constructive criticism, or learning from past experiences).

Mindfulness is a continuous process. One that is really hard to practice. One that I had never heard of until last year.

Last year, I started therapy; talk therapy with a clinical social worker. While she was ultimately not the best fit for me, some of the concepts she discussed really helped me recognize my own self-worth and my own self-induced reservations. She brought to light a lot of past experiences that helped shape me into the person I am today and helped me talk through current situations that were weighing on my mind. I cried a lot in her office and I cried a lot on the way home sometimes. Because part of being mindful is recognizing your "flaws" and acknowledging your triggers.

Acknowledging your "darkest parts" is really difficult. It requires a lot of personal growth. Which ultimately, takes time.

In our sessions, I realized how much of a perfectionist I turn myself into. I don't just write papers for school, I write novels complete with the best language, research ideas, and grammar possible; getting a grade lower than 90 (and even that is low) is unacceptable for me. It makes me feel worthless. At work, I don't just write learning experience plans, I have to write detailed descriptions with activities that are planned with individualization, minute details, and the best ideas. Anything less makes me feel unaccomplished. The idea of being less than perfect, actually triggers a lot of anxiety and stress for me; it causes me to create self-doubt, it causes me to have heart palpitations and agitate and makes me want to cry.

Being "less" and "imperfect" are one of my triggers. I can accept that now.

Over the year, I have worked a lot on recognizing my need for perfection and while I still hate getting less than a certain score on a paper or assignment, I have learned to write it and let it go. I don't let myself worry about it over time and I don't tell myself I am a bad student, teacher or mother. I started leaving notes near my computer at home that build up my self-esteem and confidence and that has helped. It's a constant struggle, but one that I am actively working towards.

But, that's not the only thing that causes me to break out in a sweat, doubt my abilities, or creates obsessive thoughts.

Being mindful is about recognizing your emotions, and essentially your triggers, and finding a way to overcome them. So Day Four of Mindfulness is about recognition and change.

Choose One Thing That Triggers Anxiety or Depression and Write About a Few Ways That You Can Control This Trigger:

One trigger for my anxiety is unplanned changes in my schedule.

• Because I am a perfectionist, and because I have OCD (the "obsessive thought" kind not the "wash you hands a million times until they bleed because germs are bad" kind), I actively plan out how my days go. I am a person who relies on routine and I crave that consistency. I wake up at the same time everyday (kids make it so I rarely sleep-in), follow the same get-ready morning routine, do the same activities and motions at work, and come home to do the same dinner-homework-play time-bed time routines. On the weekends, I feel more comfortable in my scheduling and I am generally more flexible, but even then, there's habit.
• A few weeks ago, I came into work and there were simply too many people in my classroom. I planned on only having one extra person for support that day. But then suddenly there were 4 extra people, plus extra students and everything went down hill from there. First, my senses went into overdrive; all I could hear was how loud it was, how everyone was calling out for my name, how much chaos resulted from the extra bodies. Next came the demands; this teacher wanted to meet for a meeting, that teacher wanted to know what her responsibilities for the day were, and another teacher wanted to know when she could set-up. The kids wanted me to sit with them, talk with them, and help them use the bathroom. Demand after demand came quick. Finally my body went into overdrive; I dealt with the kiddos who needed extra attention, made sure I scheduled a meeting for another time, and guided the other teacher about our typical schedule and where she was best needed. There were still a lot of bodies, but instinct kicked in and it all worked out. But the rest of the day was a mess for me; I teared up, ranted to a coworker, felt on edge, and needed to ultimately take time away from the situation.
• While I know I am a great teacher and that all those responsibilities are mine; it's the aftermath of the chaotic situation that's hard for me. It was the idea of my schedule and routine being different. It was the overabundance of individuals that sent my senses into overdrive. It was the outside factors that made my room so frustrating at the time. It was a lot I simply could not control and for someone with OCD and perfectionist-tendencies, that was too much to handle.

Schedule changes/routines are one of my triggers. But, I acknowledge that and therefore, I can make it better.

How I Can Make It Better:

• Take a deep breath: In my classroom, we do a lot of controlled breathing; it helps to reset the nervous systems and allows your body to come into focus in the moment so you can recognize how you are feeling. I have tried meditation through the Headspace app and through yoga before and there is a lot of meaning behind controlling your breathing. Sometimes the easiest thing to do for yourself is to simply breathe.
• Remove myself from the situation: In an ideal world, I would be able to do this whenever I know I am reaching that point of sensory overload. In a realistic world, it is not always easy to walk away from a situation. But, I can sit down. I can take a moment to breathe and think. I can just "get through" until there comes a time when I can just walk away. Recognizing when you need to remove yourself from a situation (a heated moment with a lover, a family spat, or even a tense staff meeting) is so important for mental health.
• Acknowledge that sometimes, it's okay to just let it go: This year (and a little bit of last year), my coworkers and I really embraced the mantra, "It is what it is". Short staffed: "It is what it is". Denied a day off from work while your coworker got it approved: "It is what it is". Encounter an administrator who is inappropriate and has mood swings: "It is what it is". Get pooped or peed on by a kiddo who you know should've been home sick: "It is what it is". A lot of times in life, we simply cannot change the circumstances; we can come up with a hundred ideal scenarios but it won't change what is realistically happening. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and perfect moments; it's heartbreak and tears and frustration and biased opinions. It's also about accepting that no one, and I mean no one (even you Becky with the good hair and shit attitude) is perfect. Things go wrong. Schedules change. And moments are ruined. And it is okay to just move on and let it go. "It is what it is".

What triggers you and what can you do to make it better?

Victories

Each day is filled with challenges. Mental, physical, emotional, and academic challenges. For each individual, the challenge is personal. Perhaps there is so much physical pain that walking the short distance from the bedroom to the bathroom causes sweat and tears. Or maybe overwhelming depression keeps someone locked in their room because getting out of bed presents the biggest challenge. Or maybe today is the day someone says goodbye to a loved one for the very last time. Everyone's struggles and challenges are unique.

There is a saying that goes along the lines of, "Each person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" (author unknown). I believe this to be true.

While some face large challenges that take months and years to overcome, others face smaller challenges. A frustrating coworker. A house full of laundry, dishes, and dust. Balancing hectic after school schedules. The thought of not being able to take a family vacation. Shoveling snow. Even coming home to cook dinner. Although each daily task is seemingly small, it is still a challenge to work out.

Even the smallest of tasks present their own set of struggles and complications.

As humans, we are so quick to think of all the struggles we face and the challenges we cannot overcome. We are so quick to play the "victim" card and to share our sadness with others. It is so easy to unburden ourselves of the daily, and larger, issues we face that we often forget to celebrate the victories.

Even victories range from small to great. Significant to just being able to breathe a little easier.

Victories are those moments where we are able to overcome the challenges; where we rise up despite the pain, despite the heartache, despite the weariness. Victories are those small moments where all seems right in the world; where the long hours worked equal the promotion, where the crippling student loans and all-nighters earn the dream job, where the moments of penny pinching earn debt free status. They are the moments that we work for all our lives.

Sometimes, though, victories are about being able to accomplish just one task at a time.

In my anxiety (and subsequently, my depression), the littlest moments are worth celebrating victories. Victories when my anxiety is the worst include being able to get out of bed despite wanting to sleep and call in sick. Being able to answer an e-mail back and pick up my phone when all I want to do is hit ignore. The ability to take five seconds to breathe and center myself so I can be in the moment. Victories when I am anxious are not easily recognizable to others, but so important to myself.

Today, I will celebrate the victories. The small and big ones that help me put life in perspective.

Write About Your Victories This Week

• Going to the doctor. My anxiety is always present. Some days it's worse than others, while at times, it is easy to hide and make myself "appear" normal. But my anxiety is always present when I have to schedule doctor's appointments. I find it so difficult to get over the sound of my voice (I think everyone is constantly judging me for sounding like a "valley girl" and therefore, cannot take me seriously). It is increasingly difficult for me to multi-manage all the themes of scheduling a doctor's appointment; thinking about timing, getting my wording right so I can discuss why I am scheduling the visit, knowing the medical jargon needed for explaining my insurance, answering the questions needed for confirming all the "basics". It's a lot and I always, always feel like I am "not good enough" on the phone. I am celebrating the fact that I scheduled my doctor's appointment, went to the office, and got the "all-clear" for my health. 
• Going back to school. Last year, right after I lost my brother, I had a really hard time. I unexpectedly helped plan for my brother's wake and some of the little details after he passed. I was asked to change positions in my job; a welcome change that would lead to a better position. But it happened quickly and I struggled in my new classroom. My daughter was diagnosed with social anxiety and ADD and seeing her answer questions about her mental health broke my heart; I felt overwhelming guilty for her mental health issues because I thought they were a direct cause of my own challenges. And I was going to school; classes went consistently for 8 weeks with three to four papers and assignments due each week, along with daily discussions and no breaks in between each new class. I basically had a mental breakdown and stopped everything. I pushed away all my friends, spent a lot of time in bed, and quit school. I was broken and decided to work on me. I went to therapy, learned about mindfulness and finally realized the importance of facing my past and understanding my own worth. Today, I finally made the appropriate calls. I re-registered for school. I secured more financial aid and fixed the problems I left in the wake of dropping out last year. I am finally ready to go back and have a course of action for the next several months so I can graduate in the fall. I am celebrating my decision to go back to school and my ability to figure out the correct means to do it.
• I turned 32! In theory, birthdays are just a number. A date to mark the passage of time. I don't usually celebrate with cake or gifts. I love the messages from friends and family. But for me, birthdays are simple. Today, I spent time home: resting, snuggling with my kids, making appointments, and watching a movie. I ordered dinner out and didn't have to cook. It was a simple day, but a good one. In a year, I have made a lot of progress in my career, my mental health, and towards finding answers for my physical health questions. I am celebrating my birthday because I am worth it and I am so lucky to be alive.

What victories did you celebrate this week? 

Music and Lyrics

"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you are feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can't."

-Unknown 

Music and lyrics. There are so many ways to compose them, to convey them, to hear them, to feel them. Music takes on many forms; classical to rock to rap to country to r&b to pop to punk and everything in between. Lyrics are written to express what words cannot; scorned lovers, feel-good-moments, deep sadness, heartache, even politics. Music and lyrics are created to inspire, to move people to take a stand, to help people feel less alone.

Music and lyrics soothe the soul. Or at least they do that for me.

My first year of college, I took an advanced writing course and to this day, it was by far the best class I have ever taken. The theme was "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll". We were given writing assignments based on themes of sex (contraception and the controversies of sex education), drugs (should they be legalized and how do they influence music), and rock and roll (how sex and drugs combine to create music and in what ways does music influence people in general). We watched Pink Floyd's The Wall in class and analyzed its' hidden meanings. But the best assignment was one of our two finals: we had to compile a list of our musical tastes over the years, create a playlist of the songs, and document how music made us feel and why it was influential to us. I learned so much about my classmates; the quirky kid who listened to techno was bullied when he was younger until he started going to raves with his friends while the quiet, "boho-chic" girl found herself through writing and composing her own songs. But most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

Music was an outlet for me. A living, breathing entity that said what I simply could not.

I learned that music was closely related to my emotions and personality development; my tastes evolved as I grew up. My final presentation sectioned my "musical life" into three separate eras: Disney/Pop music, "Emo/Punk" music, and "Country". When I was younger, I was incredibly family oriented; we watched a lot of movies together, kept to ourselves, and relished our once upon a time Disney trip. We lived and breathed family time and subsequently my favorite genres were Disney songs and then gradually pop songs. "Can't Wait to Be King" from the Lion King lifted my spirits while the soundtrack to Beauty and the Beast gave me visions of a future me exploring Paris and having my own library (still waiting for that btw). As I transitioned to middle and high school, I became "less" family oriented. I was angry at my mom for being too strict, for my dad being too absent, for my sister for being the one who got away with everything, for always having to be the responsible one. I experienced a lot of rebellion, got into a lot of trouble, and found solace in bands like Sum 41 and Simple Plan. "Welcome to My Life" spoke to me about feeling different while "Fat Lip" gave me a reason to be angry and rock out; I still remember how those songs made me feel and how I loved to listen to them laying on my bedroom floor feeling angry at the world. Then my senior year, I finally figured out who my "fake" friends were and how far I had reached to "try to fit in"; it was also the year I fell in love. I met my (now) husband and he showed me exactly what adoration felt like; he showered me in gifts, terms of endearment, and provided me with a sense of freedom. He also reintroduced me to country music; soon "Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy became my anthem (Chris sang it for me after spending our first night together) and "Friends in Low Places" was my favorite song to sing and dance to at the bar. 

Music became my solace in those years. And it never stopped being a way to express myself.

Today, I listen to everything. I still belt out the lyrics to country songs, I have been to Fall Out Boy concerts, the pop-country station is one of my favorites, and jazz music helps me relax while I do school work. I still am not a fan of "screaming" music, rap, or classical. I don't have a specific category of songs that I listen to, but music is still one of my favorite outlets. I have a playlist for when I blog, I have Saturday dance parties in my room while I get ready, music is always blaring when I bake, and when I am feeling sad, I listen to songs that make me cry. It is the easiest way for me to feel connected to others.

Music and lyrics are so important to me.

Therefore, Day Two of Mindfulness, will revolve around music for me. I have a running playlist on YouTube that I titled "Feeling Up" and it just so happens to have 15 songs on it, which makes today's writing prompt perfect. Feel free to look up these songs on your own or to access my playlist by clicking the link attached above (click on "Feeling Up").

Build a List of 15 Songs that Can Help Change Your Mood

1. "High Hopes" - Panic at the Disco (I know, "played out", but it always makes me want to shout the lyrics)
2. "Most Girls" - Hailee Steinfeld (A great feel-good anthem that never fails to make me feel good about myself)
3. "Renegades" - X Ambassadors (I guess I still feel a little rebellion inside)
4. "Gives You Hell" - The All American Rejects (If you don't shout these lyrics, then we cannot be friends 😉)
5. "Shut Up and Dance" - Walk the Moon (Such a fun song and I love to dance)
6. "One Foot" - Walk the Moon (Love this band and they always make the best songs to sing along to)
7. "Jumpin' Jumpin" - Destiny's Child (Because you cannot take the 90s out of the girl)
8. "Semi-Charmed Life" - Third Eye Blind (See above. Also, no explanation needed)
9. "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" - Nine Days (Something about tragically different and beautifully broken always gets to me)
10. "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" - Fall Out Boy (This band will always have a special place in my heart - they were my first concert and their original sound was so much better than everything else at the time)
11. "Good Girls Go Bad" - Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester (The ultimate "club" song and also, Cobra Starship performed with Fall Out Boy at my first concert)
12. "1985" - Bowling for Soup (Honestly, one of the most underrated bands out there. This song is pure gold and perfect for anyone who loves the 80s)
13. "Party People" - Florida Georgia Line (A great song to sing to and this band has the ultimate blend of thoughtful and party songs)
14. "(I'm Gonna) Party Like a Rockstar" - JTX (Probably a one-hit wonder but this song is brilliant and makes me want to be a rockstar who smashes things in my hotel room)
15. "Timber" - Pitbull ft. Kesha ("It's going down, I'm yelling tiiiiimmmber" - don't you already want to dance and rap to all of Pitbull's lyrics?!)

Music and lyrics are magical. What songs make you feel alive?!

Mindfulness

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with someone who said she used to believe anxiety was an overrated concept; she thought that people with anxiety just over reacted to their stress. She simply didn't get "it". Until, she had a panic attack; she said she was dealing with some personal life issues and was feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts for a while and then suddenly she couldn't catch her breath, she felt like her chest was being crushed, she said it was the worst feeling of her life. Now, she understands how crippling anxiety can be and feels remorse for what she used to believe.

Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well. For me, anxiety is part of my daily life.

Anxiety, for me, is more than being stressed out. It is more than "dreading" a work assignment or thinking about the loads of housework I have to do. It is more than juggling motherhood, family relationships and personal growth. It is more than stress. It is definitely NOT an excuse for not wanting to dealing with life.

Anxiety is the crippling, overwhelming feeling of being out of control. It is the hesitation to jump into social situations that place me out of my comfort zone. It is the heart palpitations and the agitate in my stomach. It is the tightening of my jaw. It is the dread of getting out of bed to go to work some days. It is the sense of unexplained panic and dread that accompanies the simplest of tasks.

More often than not, I know exactly where it stems from. However, sometimes, it hits me out of the blue and throws me through a loop.

Lately, I haven't been feeling "myself" and this is usually the first sign that my anxiety is at its' worst. In fact, winter is always the hardest season for me... for many reasons. But a few weeks ago, everything set me on edge. There was an over abundance of teachers in my classroom one day (6 to be exact) with the addition of 20 kids (2 extra students visiting/helping for the day). I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in my room and it made me feel anxious. Someone was chewing too loudly and I felt anxious (I have a sound aversion that pretty much consumes my senses). I came home and saw piles of paperwork on the table, loads of laundry over flowing in baskets, and a note from my son's teacher saying he was struggling with the content at school and needed intervention services. I felt anxious.

I started questioning my life choices and my ability to serve my job and children sufficiently.

Was I a good mother? Why was it so hard to stay on top of paperwork and balance out "mom-life"? I have taught children school-readiness skills for kindergarten all day long for the past four years, why couldn't I help my son succeed in these same area? I am a lead teacher, why couldn't I balance out the number of people in my room and help my students with their individual needs? Why did I feel overwhelmed by the clutter and why couldn't I just clean it up? Why does chewing (the simplest of life tasks, and the most necessary) set me on edge? Why wasn't I good enough?

This is anxiety for me. 

It is more than stress. It is dread. It is the feeling of being incompetent and questioning my worth. It is the overwhelming need for balance and the sense of not being able to achieve life in the exact way I imagine it. For me, anxiety is crippling. It is unexpected at times and easily manageable at others. It is an awful feeling. One that I have struggled with for a long time.

And yet, I continue to cope. I know deep down inside, I am a good mom. I do help my children with their homework and read to them each night. I know I am able to keep track of school events, I hand back the right paperwork on time, and even coordinate fun play dates. I know I am a good teacher. I am constantly trying new strategies to reach all my learners as a whole and on individual levels. I attend countless professional development opportunities inside, and out, of school. I have worked hard to become the teacher I am and know the value in the work that I do.

I just find it hard to remind myself of that sometimes. Especially lately. That's why, it's so important to make conscious decisions to focus on the good of each day, which is why I focus on mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the simple act of taking the time to remember what is good about yourself and life. It is the process of introspection; taking a minute to soak in a luxurious bath just because you deserve it, taking a walk in the fresh air with nothing to worry about except keeping pace with your music, writing just for the good of it. It is there to help you to see the value in who you are, as well as the value in those that surround you. 

But it takes time and practice. It is a continuous process.

Therefore, for the next week, starting today, I am going to work hard on reminding myself of the good. I will be blogging everyday using simple mindfulness prompts that help me find my balance again. And Pinterest is going to help me out just a bit.

This is one of the prompts I found and it is where I will start my mindfulness journey.

List Twenty Things That Make You Smile:

1. Seeing my kid's faces in the morning.
2. Freshly painted nails.
3. Going into work and hearing, "Mrs. Popolizio" and being surrounded by 5 smiling faces that rush to give me hugs.
4. Laughing with my coworkers.
5. Bingo nights with friends.
6. Talking to my mom once a week on the phone.
7. Daily conversations on my ride to and from work with my mother-in-law.
8. Biting into a freshly baked chocolate pecan cookie (right from the oven).
9. Baking.
10. Secret Valentines who know me so well.
11. Getting sweet treats from the most considerate families.
12. Random messages on Facebook from friends who remind me they care just because.
13. Invitations to baby showers (for a first time mama).
14. Having a good hair day.
15. Surprises from my husband.
16. Watching a movie on the couch with my family.
17. Hearing my kids "Suck and Sweet" during dinner.
18. My 95 year old Uncle making unexpected jokes at the dinner table.
19. Taking a warm shower after being cold all day.
20. Snacking on junk food.

These were just from the past few days. Imagine how many things I could add to that list if I just remembered the good every day?

What makes you smile?

Meant to Be

Meant to Be

You and I were meant to be,

Faltered steps shifting into an uneasy friendship.

Laughs shared over new experiences,

Walks taken in the crisp air.

Promises made and broken,

New territories explored.

You and I were meant to be.

From the first kiss that struck like lightening,

To watching stars dance across the skies.

And taking midnight train rides to magical cities.

Saying "yes" as we revisited those first magical walks together,

Planning a new tomorrow.

You and I were meant to be.

Leaping into creating life,

And struggling to balance what was right for all thing new.

Suddenly, the questions were asked,

The stories were told.

The trust was forgotten as the past was revealed.

You and I were meant to be.

We tried so hard through the good times and bad,

But the moments that were so sweet turned into something else.

Differences were too great to bear,

And stolen moments weren't ours to share anymore.

But we weren't done just yet.

You and I were meant to be.

We shared more laughter and light,

We created more life and learned to be twice as happy.

But still the hateful words fell from your lips,

Still the judgments grew into mountains.

The emotional atmosphere no longer built worth.

And suddenly, you and I were meant to be,

But we did it all wrong.

Apologize...

"The best apology is changed behavior."

-Unknown 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about apologies. The reasons we give them. The reasons they are said to us. The language that is used to summarize them. The attitudes that surround them. The behavior for which they manifest and relay meaning. The way society expects them and believes they should be shared.

Apologies in today's society are either too few or over used. There are some people who should be apologizing for their behaviors, their words, their intentions. And there are still more who use apologies like drinking water; desperate for the taste on their tongue but without understanding where is comes from and how hard it is earned in some situations. Governments apologize...or don't. Celebrities apologize...or don't. Lovers apologize... or don't. Apologies are thrown around in the sincerest of ways, in the most casual of circumstances, or ignored completely.

Sometimes apologies are intended to smooth over a situation; they are done because they are expected and to divert further attention to an escalating situation. Sometimes apologies are given with the deepest of meanings and intentions because the giver is honestly regretful of their oversight; their ignorance to a situation because they simply did not understand. Sometimes apologies are spit out because they are an automatic response and a learned behavior. 

But mostly apologies are just language. Language wrapped in beautiful, summarized packages. Words said or written, dictated or whispered. 

While I love language...written, read, communicated... often language is not enough when it comes to apologies. Apologies are words. Beautiful, but often without meaning in situations. Because apologies should be accompanied by behavior.

Behavior that is more than beautiful flowers or hand written cards. Gifts or tokens. Behavior that is more than a kiss or a hug or a tissue given. More than make-sex or moments spent crying out the rest of the anguish. Behavior that lasts more than one hour, one day, one week, or even one month.

Although I do not know who owns the voice to the quote above, I believe it's simple language summarizes how apologies should follow. Apologies should accompany changed behavior.

Think about all the times an apology was needed. Maybe it was a situation where a child hurt another. Or it was a heated conversation between lovers where hurtful words were flung like ping pong balls on a tennis table. Or the looks and behaviors from a youth who taunted another who was unlike himself at a rally where there was supposed to be unity. Or even during moments where allegations came to light and reputations were put to shame; where actions hurt more than words ever could. Perhaps it was the time where a daughter disagreed with her mother and did what she wanted to anyway. Whether the situations were words said, intended actions, or passive conversations, there were harmful consequences and behaviors that were simply unacceptable.

In my preschool classroom, I never ask children to say, "I'm sorry". Instead they ask a peer and/or adult if they are okay, they ask how they can make it better, they perform a good act (i.e. get a tissue, provide a hug, apply an ice pack, clean up a mess), and then they have a discussion about how the situation could go differently. They learn how their words or behaviors can be changed in the future or what they can do differently.

As adults, shouldn't we do the same? Admitting when we are wrong and then engaging in the process of changing our behavior? Learning the simple act of treating others with kindness, educating ourselves in understanding what we do not know, changing our words and attitudes to reflect human decency? Changing our behaviors to match the words that are written and spoken during apologies. That is the key to a true apology. Changed behavior.

But if we must use words, which ones would you choose?

"I'm sorry".

"I was wrong".

"What I said was hurtful".

"How do I show you how much I regret what happened?"

"What can I do to make it better?".

"I did something that won't happen again."

"I didn't mean what I said or did".

"I apologize".

Which are the words that you would choose? An automatic response? A general statement that was forced out by guilt? A blanket of words that are said to halt an uncomfortable situation? Words spread so casually that they could refer to any set of words said or behaviors doled out? Written comments that shower the receiver in compliments? Words that are meant to pacify rather than clarify?

Or would they be words that express a wrong doing? A heartfelt response that was never uttered before? A statements that comes from deep inside intended to soothe wounds that shouldn't be there in the first place? A blanket of words that declare a clear intention to not only try to do better, but to never repeat what occurred? Words spread carefully with no room for interpretation? Written comments that show the depth of emotion felt for the receiver and the deepest of understandings of wrong doing? Words meant with the best of intentions and the honest of details?

Because choosing words for apologies matter. Even if they accompany changed behaviors. It's a relationship... words and behaviors have meaning and intention. 

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't".

-Louis C.K.

If My Bed Could Talk...

As part of a new foray into writing, to expand my horizons, I have decided to write more often. I also decided to write with more diversity. I found a writing prompt that simply said, "If your bed could talk, what would it say?". So I wrote a poem.

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

Would it talk about all the sleepless nights spent thinking spiraling thoughts that haunt me to the early morning hours?

Would it describe how gets sick it gets of seeing me on the dark days when I am tucked away hiding from the world?

Would it discuss all the early morning snuggles and late night giggles from little visitors?

Would it just squeak in imitation of the nights where love was found over and over?

Would it describe the moments I was too weak to get out of bed and cried because I was tired of being sick?

Would it wring out months and years of shed tears over loves lost, people missed and hard days fought?

Would it tremble with the weight of the world that slips off my shoulders as I sleep?

Would it tell tall tales of the moments I was too weak to admit the truth and too ignorant to accept it?

Would it ring my praises for thousands of loads of laundry done and still more conquered each day?

Would it whisper back the songs that soothed my soul and then shout out the lyrics to songs that caused early Saturday morning dance parties?

Would it recite my favorite books and speak of the hundreds of words read each night?

Would it tell my darkest secrets and would it keep my sweetest prayers?

If my bed could talk, what would it say?

I hope it would say, "Here lies an ordinary, but brave little soul. One who sleeps and lives and breaths. A girl who persists despite what she endures".

A Transition

2018 was the year that ripped everyone apart and gave gifts that many people did not want. It was the year that brought gun violence... Beginning with a car wash shooting in January in Pennsylvania where 4 people were killed and 1 was injured following through to countless other mass shootings which rounded out the year at a California bar in November where 12 were killed and 11 were injured. These numbers don't include the countless police shootings and violent crime shootings in urban and suburban counties and cities over petty theft, anger, and alt-right views.

It was the year that brought turbulent weather... Tropical storms, hurricanes, and tornados raged across the U.S. bringing billions of dollars in destruction to the Carolinas, Panama City in Florida, and my hometown of Hamden, CT. The California wildfires that raged across the area ruined countless homes, left destruction in its' path, and left numerous people dead and injured, while volcanic eruptions tore through Hawaii leaving many homeless and force to flee the areas they loved.

It was the year of movements... The words #metoo were splashed across social media, news outlets, and arrived in homes across the U.S. Countless women, and some men, came forward to talk about years of sexual assault and Hollywood took the hardest hit; many influential actors, news anchors, and prominent figures were put in the spotlight to talk about past indiscretions and defend themselves publicly. Political movements got ugly and heated as well with the 2018 election that saw a torrent of new policies, territory lost for Republicans, and what some called a "rainbow wave" of new figureheads; minorities, transgender individuals, and women alike took to office for the first time and caused an "uproar" for some or huge breath of triumph for others. Meanwhile, the rest of the country took argumentative stances over the Kavanaugh trail which tied both the political and #metoo movements together.

And these are just the "main" stories of 2018. The rest of the world fell apart too... Natural disasters, political riots and fighting, and territory wars struck all over the world just as much as they hit the U.S. Immigration became a subject of contempt for some and wholehearted passion for others. Alliances were forged and lost. Wars were considered and airstrikes were made.

Add all of these headlines, world news, and real situations to personal strife and 2018 was the year that many wanted to see gone. People became afraid of turning on their tvs, stopped wanting to send their children to school, and felt bereft in a world where nothing seemed to go right. Many began to wish for a New Year and a new chance.

Although these news stories ripped at my heart and I was terrified of sending my children to school some days, I found a way to become more. 2017 was a year of deep loss, profound self ignorance and experiences that tested my strength of character. I wanted 2018 to be the year I embraced self-care, the year I recognized that both mental and physical well-being are important and the year I stood up to injustices... I wanted to be Brave. Sometimes I was and sometimes I was not.

I stopped going to school even though I was just 5 classes away from completing my Masters Degree. I realized that I was a perfectionist in all that I did, which can be great, but it can also lead to hysterics if I got a grade less than an A, it could lead to countless sleepless nights, building anxiety and frustration, and the need to complete a degree in an unreasonable amount of time. Taking a step back from school made me take more time for myself, more time for my children, and more time to really realize what I want to do in life. As I move onto 2019, I will be looking into a pursuing a degree in Special Education. I have learned a lot through my job this year and feel like this is the move that will help me grow as an individual and as an educator.

I started therapy this past year as well. I realized that it wasn't normal to agonize over going to work the next day to the point where it made me feel physically ill. I realized that it wasn't okay to want to sleep and "check-out" of the world for hours on end. I realized that grief took a larger toll on me than I thought possible. I realized that life was about balances and I had been out of balance for a long time. Although I had mixed feelings about therapy, and especially my therapist, I did learn the importance of self-care; how it's important not to be everything to everyone. I realized that life is more about enjoying yourself and being honest with those around you; setting boundaries, even with loved ones, is a key part of succeeding in this task. I also realized that it's okay to say "no"; "no" to a position you don't want, "no" to hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself, "no" to social situations that don't provide any enrichment or benefit to your well-being, "no" to dropping everything to help others. Because of these lessons, I learned how much I love to write, how part of my self-care is to express myself through words, how I can use my passion for life and equal passion for reading to help myself and perhaps help others. As I move onto 2019, I will be starting to blog more, creatively and artistically, and I will be beginning a new special project where I can truly be myself while writing.

I started to listen more in 2018 too. I listened to my gut; I thought about what truly made me happy, as well as what made me unhappy. I listened to the news; I tried to educate myself more about politics (local and otherwise) so I could take an educated stance and help my children understand their ever-evolving world. I listened to the words (written and spoken) of others; I learned how one person's father started a spark that led his children to lead incredible lives and spread passion to others. I listened to another writer and beautiful soul speak about the anguish of depression and anxiety alongside the joys of life and friendship. I listened to the silence of those around me; I learned to navigate through the silence that was meaningful. Sometimes the silence of others is significant in the fact that they need help, while sometimes that silence is the indication that they were just a passing ship in your waters. I listened to love and hate and kindness and silence and education and resilience and everything in-between and it taught me so much. As I move onto 2019, I will be using these newfound listening skills to focus on kindness for others. 

Although 2018 brought a lot of fear, hate, and doubt, it taught me that there is always more than the pressing issues. While it's important to be passionate and educated and fight for what we believe in, what we often overlook is the importance of true kindness. 

There is an author who I adore... she is a gifted writer who bares her soul in every single one of her books and writes words that are both dark and inspiring. As a person, she is passionate and honest, which I admire so much. She talks about anxiety and depression living alongside the daily joys of her life with her kids, her friendships, her relationship, and her artistic lifestyle. I follow her on Facebook, Instagram, through her blog, and landed in her Facebook "fan page" called Tarryn Fisher's Passionate Little Nutcases.

On this page her devote followers, along with Tarryn herself, discuss her books, writing, and so much more. Tarryn is all about empowerment for women and each other. Each year, all year long, fellow Passionate Little Nutcases (PLNs) reach out to one another seeking support; through kind words, acts of selflessness, and through Tuesdays with Tarryn (life advice from Tarryn). They also pack backpacks at the start of each school year for those in need, "adopt a child" to sponsor them for Christmas, and randomly donate gifts and books for one another when they need it the most. Every year they/we decide on a color for New Years as a way to be united. This year our color was black (like our souls 😉). And we also wore a red thread to connect us together (a line/ideal from one of Tarryn's books, Mud Vein). But, Tarryn took it one step further. She asked us to be united in 2019. Here is what she wrote:

"Let’s have our New Years resolutions be an inward thing. To be friends to lonely people. To learn to like yourself and criticize yourself less. To stop ourselves from thinking mean things about other people and seeing them through a lens of compassion and understanding. Almost ten thousand strong, we have the number and power to make a difference in this world. Love starts here. Colleen (Hoover) always compares the PLNs to Robin Hood. So let’s steal back our self worth from the Society that took it, and help other women see theirs. Let 2019 be the year of acceptance and grace; for yourself and others. Love thy flaws. Do good to those who don’t necessarily deserve it. Use your gifts to serve and heal. This world needs our help."

This is what 2019 will be about for me and all the other wonderful PLNs. Let's be kind.

In this quest, I am not choosing to follow the path of others who are much different than my own; others who bring me down mentally or cause hurt to people for no reason. Also, in the past I was not unkind to others; I never intentionally hurt someone physically or mentally and I never showed indifference to others who needed more. Instead, this year, I want to do exactly what Tarryn asks; I want to smile at people more (random people on the street so they can pass on a smile too), I want to consider compassion and understanding for people who don't show the same to me, I want to dwell less on others flaws and learn to move on despite them. I want to be more kind. 

2018 was the year I was kind to myself (or at least learned how to be more kind to myself) and 2019 will be the year where I show more compassion to others. Let's forget about the whole "New Year, New Me". Let's instead learn to love ourselves and others more. Let's become more passionate about life, adventures, inner growth, and understanding. Let 2019 become the year where the good outweighs the bad. Where love grows instead of hate. Where kindness is more important than hurt.

Welcome 2019 and Happy New Year!

Want to be inspired more:

• Check out the PLNs by clicking the link above or visit Tarryn Fisher's website
• Follow this app on Instagram